The best insult you've ever heard

[V40Vinnie]

Someone once said to me 'F**k Me! It's one of them undateables'. I was to busy laughing at the comment to be offended

[blindswelledrat]

V40Vinnie said:

Someone once said to me 'F**k Me! It's one of them undateables'. I was to busy laughing at the comment to be offended

I want to use that one.

[lord trumpton]

A mate insulted some loud mouthed tart in a nightclub once..

'If you stuck a cigar in your mouth you'd look like a doberman having a st'

He got a slap for that one

[Tyre Tread]

Asshole says: "There's no I in Team"
Retort: "True, but there's a u in fk off!"

[grumpy52]

Said to a guy who thought he was gods gift while sucking on a fat cigar .
You look like a film star !
Yeah ?
Yeah ! Lassie having a dump !

[crossy67]

Me to work mate; I shagged your mum last night
He replied; You sure it wasn't my dad.
Me; Not sure, does he have a mustache too.

[NoNeed]

Tyre Tread said:

Asshole says: "There's no I in Team"
Retort: "True, but there's a u in fk off!"

I prefer the response "there is an M and an E"

[Martin350]

Not me, but my dad once told me of a meeting he was in at work which got slightly heated.

One man stood up and started a rant with "I've had fifteen years experience doing this...", before being interrupted by someone standing up and saying "No, you've had one year experience fifteen times!".

[48k]

"I can explain it to you, but I can't comprehend it for you."

[e21Mark]

Disastrous said:

blindswelledrat said:

e21Mark said:

"If you're waiting for my comeback it's all over your Mums teeth"


Only kidding.

She swallowed every drop!

Doesn't make sense.

Pretty sure he means that somehow his comeback manifested itself as some sort of physical substance rather than the typically expected words, which his insulter's mum then swallowed. I'm not sure why her teeth are relevant or what the point of it all is but I wouldn't feel deeply insulted somehow.

I shouldn't have been so lazy and posted the link where I heard it.

https://youtu.be/zFktLjdHjno

[IAN1967]

Tyre Tread said:

Asshole says: "There's no I in Team"
Retort: "True, but there's a u in fk off!"

Ive used similair before but answered with "theres a U in c*&t"

[AstonZagato]

48k said:

"I can explain it to you, but I can't comprehend it for you."

'I could agree with you but then we'd both be wrong"

[yellowjack]

I haven't read the whole thread, so don't know if it's already been mentioned, but some old favourite of mine...

"a face like he's been chasing parked cars"

"looks like a bulldog licking ps off a thistle"

[Skii]

fu*kety-bye

[Alex_225]

Was in a meeting with my boss discussing a third party and their service. Referred to one of their team as, "useless on a cellular level" which ticked me.

"I'm no gynaecologist but I know a c*** when I see one"

"It's not that I don't like him but if he was on life support, I'd unplug him to charge my phone"

Can't recall where I heard/read them but certainly stuck in my mind.

[blindswelledrat]

Skii said:

fu*kety-bye

THis is one of those special type of phrases that the person who uses (someone like Gareth from the office) thinks is really hilarious and will walk out of the room with a casual "fu*kety-bye", wink and finger pistol the people in the room, laughing away to himself while the rest of the room just looks blankly and a bit stunned.

[Trophy Husband]

An old foreman balling out a guy that was lazy.

"If work was in the bed you'd sleep on the floor"

More from him....

You are about as useful as a one legged ar5e kicker.

Send that man to hospital for an X-Ray just to check if there's any work in him.

My favourite from school in the 80's. Holding two fingers up to somebody's nose and saying "Smell yer mam!"

[blindspot]

"Your face looks like you tried to put a chip pan fire out with it"

[blindspot]

A chum to a bouncer, who was less than enthusiastic about letting him in:

"get your wking spanners off me, you spazztard"

pretty sure this was pinched from Viz or similar.

[Tuvra]

Probably been said in the 33 pages but:-

• Your dad should have shot you over the curtains
• The best part of you dribbled down your mums leg
• Head like a Police Horse
• Could eat an apple through a tennis racket
• More neck than a mini bus full of ET's
• Body like a melted ice cream/welly