Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)
Discussion
RJO said:
Vipers said:
Monkeylegend said:
Vipers said:
A man and a woman Are lying in bed naked.
She is resting her head on his torso looking down to the wedding tackle.
She says "I love you".
He says "Lower".
Dropping a couple of octaves to her best bass voice says "I love you".
My Grandma told me this one, she was born in 1895 She is resting her head on his torso looking down to the wedding tackle.
She says "I love you".
He says "Lower".
Dropping a couple of octaves to her best bass voice says "I love you".
, she is doing well for 119 
Must come clean, sitting here this joke just came to the forefront, so I googled it for the full version.
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold; the bird froze up and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!
The morals of this story are:
Not everyone who drops s
t on you is your enemy.
Not everyone who gets you out of st is your friend.
And when you're in deep st, keep your mouth shut!
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold; the bird froze up and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!
The morals of this story are:
Not everyone who drops s
t on you is your enemy.Not everyone who gets you out of s
t is your friend.And when you're in deep s
t, keep your mouth shut!Ray, Mick and Paddy were inseparable; they went everywhere together. So, as you can imagine, Mick and Paddy were devastated to learn one day that Ray was dead, killed in a house fire. He was so badly burned the Police asked them to go to the mortuary to identify the body. Mick went in first. Ray's face was so badly burned it was unrecognisable.
"Could you turn him over?" he asked.
The pathologist and mortuary attendant turned Ray's body over.
"No, that's not him," said Mick and walked out. Confused, the pathologist and mortuary attendant turned the body back over and asked Paddy to come in. They were even more confused when same thing happened and Paddy couldn't recognise him by his face and asked for him to turned over.
"No, that's not him," said Paddy.
"How can you be so sure?" asked the pathologist. "Your friend asked us to turn him over as well."
"Well," said Paddy. "Ray had two aholes and as you can see this body has one ahole and so it can't be him. To be honest, Mick and I never saw him naked but wherever we went people used to say, "There's Ray with the two aholes." "
"Could you turn him over?" he asked.
The pathologist and mortuary attendant turned Ray's body over.
"No, that's not him," said Mick and walked out. Confused, the pathologist and mortuary attendant turned the body back over and asked Paddy to come in. They were even more confused when same thing happened and Paddy couldn't recognise him by his face and asked for him to turned over.
"No, that's not him," said Paddy.
"How can you be so sure?" asked the pathologist. "Your friend asked us to turn him over as well."
"Well," said Paddy. "Ray had two a
holes and as you can see this body has one ahole and so it can't be him. To be honest, Mick and I never saw him naked but wherever we went people used to say, "There's Ray with the two aholes." "
Vipers said:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold; the bird froze up and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!
The morals of this story are:
Not everyone who drops st on you is your enemy.
Not everyone who gets you out of st is your friend.
And when you're in deep st, keep your mouth shut!
Thanks for that. What do I do when the sA passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!
The morals of this story are:
Not everyone who drops s
t on you is your enemy.Not everyone who gets you out of s
t is your friend.And when you're in deep s
t, keep your mouth shut!t hits the fan?
Man: “So That’s ‘Movember’ gone.”
Moustache: “And?”
Man: “We’ve had some good times haven’t we?”
Moustache: “I don’t like the sound of this.”
I’m amazed that sheeps’ clothing is even made in wolf sizes. That’s just asking for trouble.
“Welcome to secret agent training. First lesson. Trust no one.”
“How do we know that’s ‘really’ the first lesson?”
“Oh, you’re good.”
Why does everybody just accept that a stork delivered Dumbo? Nobody ever mentions the elephant in the womb.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“THE LATEST COMPILATION ALBUM!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
“NOW 89!”
“How much is that doggie in the window?” I asked the Korean butcher.
Me: “Forgive me father for I have sinned.”
Priest: “What are your sins.”
Me: “I didn’t rewind a video I borrowed in 1986.”
Priest: “ROT IN HELL!”
My cure for gullibility is now available online at an incredible 90% off. Enter discount code SUCKER.
The DJ said “Shake what your mama gave ya!” So I did, but the lid came off the Tupperware and now I’m covered in shepherd’s pie.
“We WOULD NOT walk 500 miles.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more”
- The Disclaimers
I went to see the doctor about my compulsive voyeurism. He told me to pіss off from his bedroom window and go to the surgery in the morning.
“Who was the F1 driver who suffered the terrible burns?”
“Lauda?”
“WHO WAS THE F1 DRIVER WHO SUFFERED THE TERRIBLE BURNS?”
Overheard on the Tube: “Let’s move away from that prіck who’s listening to our conversation.
Someone just threw some Omega 3 capsules at me. Luckily, I only received super fish oil injuries.
People on this train are giggling because someone called out for his mummy in his sleep. Wish I’d seen it but I was taking a nap at the time.
“My girlfriend got a boοb job in East London.”
“Wapping?”
“Well, they’re certainly bigger but I wouldn’t go that far.”
So, Jack the Ripper has finally been identified. At last, we can all sleep safely in our beds.
“I take the arrow out. Now I bite the apple & munch it thoroughly – 32 times per mouthful.” – William Tell Over Chewer.
My main weakness is that I can never remember names. It’s my Whatshisname’s heel.
I cut my hand on a margarine tub yesterday. I can’t believe it’s not better.
It’s hard work eating this Lion Bar. It’s no Picnic.
My Chinese mate designed the machine that puts liquid centres into cough sweets. He says it’s not Locket science.
WANTED: Chefs who use herbs and spices sparingly. No thyme wasters please.
We call ourselves civilised, yet here we are in 2014, and I still have to empty the dishwasher BY HAND. - LIKE AN ANIMAL!!
I just got a free meal in Pizza Hut. They do it for everyone who jumps out of the toilet window and runs away.
I’ve had issues with mixing my metaphors in the past, but I think I can finally see the carrot at the end of the tunnel.
The dog is now completely bald but I still feel sicker than ever. I won’t be trying that hangover cure again.
ME: “I fancy coming home at lunchtime for a quickie.”
WIFE: “Fine. Incidentally, it’s pronounced ‘Quiche’”.
Mozart’s parents were idiots. Everybody knows it’s a pack of wolves, not a bloody Wolfgang!
POLICE OFFICERS WANTED for public enforcement duties. Interviews tomorrow. Come early and beat the crowd.
IKEA are rebranding their flatpack furniture ‘The Suppository Range’....because you put it up yourself.
I hate it when my Korean girlfriend shows me those big puppy dog eyes. In fact most of her cooking is pretty disgusting.
The Freudian Slip Society meeting has been cancelled due to unforeskin circumstances.
It still upsets me that my hamster stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking drugs.
Mirror, mirror on the floor
What did I buy cheap wallplugs for?
“Thank you for calling Abseiling Advice. Please hold the line.”
I’ve only got a fiver left. I can either buy a Nicholas Cage DVD or some frozen fish for tea. I’m stuck between ‘The Rock’ and a hard plaice.
I woke up with a caramel stuck to my head, so I’m feeling a bit under the Werther.
What’s that Bruce Willis movie where he plays a wise-cracking action guy against the odds? Oh yes, I remember. All of them.
To whoever stole my broken scales: you won’t get a weigh with it.
My wife doesn’t understand me. Still, it’s her own silly fault if she refuses to learn Klingon.
“My plans for tonight are on the back burner.” – a sadomasochist.
I applied for a job in PC World but they gave it to a one-legged lеsbian.
My car’s at a main dealer garage having a bit of work done. Related news: I’m online trying to sell one of my kidneys.
“Knock knock”
“Sir, this is the police. Open the door immediately.”
“But I’m having a poo.”
“We know sir, this phone box has glass sides.”
I see Tesco are struggling financially these days. Well, if they hadn’t stopped selling extra large condoms, they’d still have my custom!
I was never a very committed shoplifter. I could take it or leave it.
It pains me to say this, but I’ve got laryngitis.
I’ve got a picture of my dad with his grand piano, - (my great-grand piano).
I made the mistake of asking Dynamo ‘How’s tricks?’. That’s five hours I’ll never get back.
They’ve caught a morgue attendant nipping the digits off corpses’ feet and taking them home. Bloody clip toe maniac.
I used some underwear to repair a tear in the wing of my hang-glider. Now I’m flying by the seat of my pants.
My tailor’s always having a go at me. I wish he’d cut me some slacks.
My dying wish would be: “I wish I wasn’t dying.”
I hate it when I think I’m buying organic vegetables and when I get them home I discover they’re just regular doughnuts.
“..♫♪ Shіttin’ on the dock of the bay... ♫♪ - Sean Connery sings Otis Redding.
My uncle died doing what he loved most in life – his mistress.
On my birthday my new girlfriend gave me the bumps, or as they’re more commonly known, - genital warts.
“I just got back from holiday in Saudi Arabia. Now I can’t do my jeans up.”
“Eat a lot, did you?”
“No, I got caught shoplifting.”
I’m glad the Tories have agreed to crack down on extreme mists. I hate fog too.
My wife installed a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.
My ambition is to open a flying maths school, although it’s probably just pi in the sky.
SILNCE
I’ve taken a vowel off silence.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me that a chicken fried this rice.
Boil in the bag haddock revolutionised cooking. It was a whole different kettle of fish.
Wish me luck on Dragons’ Den. I’m confident that they’ll be blown away by my hurricane making device.
I’ve just been told I have xenophobia. I bet I caught it off some bloody foreigner.
Today is National Poetry Day
And dear followers I must confess
That I struggled to tweet a poem
In a hundred and forty characters or le
Efficient toilet attendants mind their pees and queues.
Still no word from Mastermind. Maybe I need to change my specialist subject from ‘Dogging sites of the South East’.
I’ve decided to release my diet book in America first. I think it deserves a wider audience.
This week on Embarrassing Bodies: - FIFA.
So now the Ryder Cup is over we can go back to using golf balls for useful things like describing hailstones and tumours.
Thanks to autocorrect I’ve been reported to the RSPCA for joining the War On Terriers.
I’ve just found out it’s not called the ‘hymen lick manoeuvre’. Related news: I’m barred from Pizza Hut, Sunbury.
Moustache: “And?”
Man: “We’ve had some good times haven’t we?”
Moustache: “I don’t like the sound of this.”
I’m amazed that sheeps’ clothing is even made in wolf sizes. That’s just asking for trouble.
“Welcome to secret agent training. First lesson. Trust no one.”
“How do we know that’s ‘really’ the first lesson?”
“Oh, you’re good.”
Why does everybody just accept that a stork delivered Dumbo? Nobody ever mentions the elephant in the womb.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“THE LATEST COMPILATION ALBUM!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
“NOW 89!”
“How much is that doggie in the window?” I asked the Korean butcher.
Me: “Forgive me father for I have sinned.”
Priest: “What are your sins.”
Me: “I didn’t rewind a video I borrowed in 1986.”
Priest: “ROT IN HELL!”
My cure for gullibility is now available online at an incredible 90% off. Enter discount code SUCKER.
The DJ said “Shake what your mama gave ya!” So I did, but the lid came off the Tupperware and now I’m covered in shepherd’s pie.
“We WOULD NOT walk 500 miles.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more”
- The Disclaimers
I went to see the doctor about my compulsive voyeurism. He told me to pіss off from his bedroom window and go to the surgery in the morning.
“Who was the F1 driver who suffered the terrible burns?”
“Lauda?”
“WHO WAS THE F1 DRIVER WHO SUFFERED THE TERRIBLE BURNS?”
Overheard on the Tube: “Let’s move away from that prіck who’s listening to our conversation.
Someone just threw some Omega 3 capsules at me. Luckily, I only received super fish oil injuries.
People on this train are giggling because someone called out for his mummy in his sleep. Wish I’d seen it but I was taking a nap at the time.
“My girlfriend got a boοb job in East London.”
“Wapping?”
“Well, they’re certainly bigger but I wouldn’t go that far.”
So, Jack the Ripper has finally been identified. At last, we can all sleep safely in our beds.
“I take the arrow out. Now I bite the apple & munch it thoroughly – 32 times per mouthful.” – William Tell Over Chewer.
My main weakness is that I can never remember names. It’s my Whatshisname’s heel.
I cut my hand on a margarine tub yesterday. I can’t believe it’s not better.
It’s hard work eating this Lion Bar. It’s no Picnic.
My Chinese mate designed the machine that puts liquid centres into cough sweets. He says it’s not Locket science.
WANTED: Chefs who use herbs and spices sparingly. No thyme wasters please.
We call ourselves civilised, yet here we are in 2014, and I still have to empty the dishwasher BY HAND. - LIKE AN ANIMAL!!
I just got a free meal in Pizza Hut. They do it for everyone who jumps out of the toilet window and runs away.
I’ve had issues with mixing my metaphors in the past, but I think I can finally see the carrot at the end of the tunnel.
The dog is now completely bald but I still feel sicker than ever. I won’t be trying that hangover cure again.
ME: “I fancy coming home at lunchtime for a quickie.”
WIFE: “Fine. Incidentally, it’s pronounced ‘Quiche’”.
Mozart’s parents were idiots. Everybody knows it’s a pack of wolves, not a bloody Wolfgang!
POLICE OFFICERS WANTED for public enforcement duties. Interviews tomorrow. Come early and beat the crowd.
IKEA are rebranding their flatpack furniture ‘The Suppository Range’....because you put it up yourself.
I hate it when my Korean girlfriend shows me those big puppy dog eyes. In fact most of her cooking is pretty disgusting.
The Freudian Slip Society meeting has been cancelled due to unforeskin circumstances.
It still upsets me that my hamster stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking drugs.
Mirror, mirror on the floor
What did I buy cheap wallplugs for?
“Thank you for calling Abseiling Advice. Please hold the line.”
I’ve only got a fiver left. I can either buy a Nicholas Cage DVD or some frozen fish for tea. I’m stuck between ‘The Rock’ and a hard plaice.
I woke up with a caramel stuck to my head, so I’m feeling a bit under the Werther.
What’s that Bruce Willis movie where he plays a wise-cracking action guy against the odds? Oh yes, I remember. All of them.
To whoever stole my broken scales: you won’t get a weigh with it.
My wife doesn’t understand me. Still, it’s her own silly fault if she refuses to learn Klingon.
“My plans for tonight are on the back burner.” – a sadomasochist.
I applied for a job in PC World but they gave it to a one-legged lеsbian.
My car’s at a main dealer garage having a bit of work done. Related news: I’m online trying to sell one of my kidneys.
“Knock knock”
“Sir, this is the police. Open the door immediately.”
“But I’m having a poo.”
“We know sir, this phone box has glass sides.”
I see Tesco are struggling financially these days. Well, if they hadn’t stopped selling extra large condoms, they’d still have my custom!
I was never a very committed shoplifter. I could take it or leave it.
It pains me to say this, but I’ve got laryngitis.
I’ve got a picture of my dad with his grand piano, - (my great-grand piano).
I made the mistake of asking Dynamo ‘How’s tricks?’. That’s five hours I’ll never get back.
They’ve caught a morgue attendant nipping the digits off corpses’ feet and taking them home. Bloody clip toe maniac.
I used some underwear to repair a tear in the wing of my hang-glider. Now I’m flying by the seat of my pants.
My tailor’s always having a go at me. I wish he’d cut me some slacks.
My dying wish would be: “I wish I wasn’t dying.”
I hate it when I think I’m buying organic vegetables and when I get them home I discover they’re just regular doughnuts.
“..♫♪ Shіttin’ on the dock of the bay... ♫♪ - Sean Connery sings Otis Redding.
My uncle died doing what he loved most in life – his mistress.
On my birthday my new girlfriend gave me the bumps, or as they’re more commonly known, - genital warts.
“I just got back from holiday in Saudi Arabia. Now I can’t do my jeans up.”
“Eat a lot, did you?”
“No, I got caught shoplifting.”
I’m glad the Tories have agreed to crack down on extreme mists. I hate fog too.
My wife installed a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.
My ambition is to open a flying maths school, although it’s probably just pi in the sky.
SILNCE
I’ve taken a vowel off silence.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me that a chicken fried this rice.
Boil in the bag haddock revolutionised cooking. It was a whole different kettle of fish.
Wish me luck on Dragons’ Den. I’m confident that they’ll be blown away by my hurricane making device.
I’ve just been told I have xenophobia. I bet I caught it off some bloody foreigner.
Today is National Poetry Day
And dear followers I must confess
That I struggled to tweet a poem
In a hundred and forty characters or le
Efficient toilet attendants mind their pees and queues.
Still no word from Mastermind. Maybe I need to change my specialist subject from ‘Dogging sites of the South East’.
I’ve decided to release my diet book in America first. I think it deserves a wider audience.
This week on Embarrassing Bodies: - FIFA.
So now the Ryder Cup is over we can go back to using golf balls for useful things like describing hailstones and tumours.
Thanks to autocorrect I’ve been reported to the RSPCA for joining the War On Terriers.
I’ve just found out it’s not called the ‘hymen lick manoeuvre’. Related news: I’m barred from Pizza Hut, Sunbury.
scorcher said:
Man: “So That’s ‘Movember’ gone.”
Moustache: “And?”
Man: “We’ve had some good times haven’t we?”
Moustache: “I don’t like the sound of this.”
I’m amazed that sheeps’ clothing is even made in wolf sizes. That’s just asking for trouble.
“Welcome to secret agent training. First lesson. Trust no one.”
“How do we know that’s ‘really’ the first lesson?”
“Oh, you’re good.”
Why does everybody just accept that a stork delivered Dumbo? Nobody ever mentions the elephant in the womb.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“THE LATEST COMPILATION ALBUM!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
“NOW 89!”
“How much is that doggie in the window?” I asked the Korean butcher.
Me: “Forgive me father for I have sinned.”
Priest: “What are your sins.”
Me: “I didn’t rewind a video I borrowed in 1986.”
Priest: “ROT IN HELL!”
My cure for gullibility is now available online at an incredible 90% off. Enter discount code SUCKER.
The DJ said “Shake what your mama gave ya!” So I did, but the lid came off the Tupperware and now I’m covered in shepherd’s pie.
“We WOULD NOT walk 500 miles.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more”
- The Disclaimers
I went to see the doctor about my compulsive voyeurism. He told me to p?ss off from his bedroom window and go to the surgery in the morning.
“Who was the F1 driver who suffered the terrible burns?”
“Lauda?”
“WHO WAS THE F1 DRIVER WHO SUFFERED THE TERRIBLE BURNS?”
Overheard on the Tube: “Let’s move away from that pr?ck who’s listening to our conversation.
Someone just threw some Omega 3 capsules at me. Luckily, I only received super fish oil injuries.
People on this train are giggling because someone called out for his mummy in his sleep. Wish I’d seen it but I was taking a nap at the time.
“My girlfriend got a bo?b job in East London.”
“Wapping?”
“Well, they’re certainly bigger but I wouldn’t go that far.”
So, Jack the Ripper has finally been identified. At last, we can all sleep safely in our beds.
“I take the arrow out. Now I bite the apple & munch it thoroughly – 32 times per mouthful.” – William Tell Over Chewer.
My main weakness is that I can never remember names. It’s my Whatshisname’s heel.
I cut my hand on a margarine tub yesterday. I can’t believe it’s not better.
It’s hard work eating this Lion Bar. It’s no Picnic.
My Chinese mate designed the machine that puts liquid centres into cough sweets. He says it’s not Locket science.
WANTED: Chefs who use herbs and spices sparingly. No thyme wasters please.
We call ourselves civilised, yet here we are in 2014, and I still have to empty the dishwasher BY HAND. - LIKE AN ANIMAL!!
I just got a free meal in Pizza Hut. They do it for everyone who jumps out of the toilet window and runs away.
I’ve had issues with mixing my metaphors in the past, but I think I can finally see the carrot at the end of the tunnel.
The dog is now completely bald but I still feel sicker than ever. I won’t be trying that hangover cure again.
ME: “I fancy coming home at lunchtime for a quickie.”
WIFE: “Fine. Incidentally, it’s pronounced ‘Quiche’”.
Mozart’s parents were idiots. Everybody knows it’s a pack of wolves, not a bloody Wolfgang!
POLICE OFFICERS WANTED for public enforcement duties. Interviews tomorrow. Come early and beat the crowd.
IKEA are rebranding their flatpack furniture ‘The Suppository Range’....because you put it up yourself.
I hate it when my Korean girlfriend shows me those big puppy dog eyes. In fact most of her cooking is pretty disgusting.
The Freudian Slip Society meeting has been cancelled due to unforeskin circumstances.
It still upsets me that my hamster stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking drugs.
Mirror, mirror on the floor
What did I buy cheap wallplugs for?
“Thank you for calling Abseiling Advice. Please hold the line.”
I’ve only got a fiver left. I can either buy a Nicholas Cage DVD or some frozen fish for tea. I’m stuck between ‘The Rock’ and a hard plaice.
I woke up with a caramel stuck to my head, so I’m feeling a bit under the Werther.
What’s that Bruce Willis movie where he plays a wise-cracking action guy against the odds? Oh yes, I remember. All of them.
To whoever stole my broken scales: you won’t get a weigh with it.
My wife doesn’t understand me. Still, it’s her own silly fault if she refuses to learn Klingon.
“My plans for tonight are on the back burner.” – a sadomasochist.
I applied for a job in PC World but they gave it to a one-legged l?sbian.
My car’s at a main dealer garage having a bit of work done. Related news: I’m online trying to sell one of my kidneys.
“Knock knock”
“Sir, this is the police. Open the door immediately.”
“But I’m having a poo.”
“We know sir, this phone box has glass sides.”
I see Tesco are struggling financially these days. Well, if they hadn’t stopped selling extra large condoms, they’d still have my custom!
I was never a very committed shoplifter. I could take it or leave it.
It pains me to say this, but I’ve got laryngitis.
I’ve got a picture of my dad with his grand piano, - (my great-grand piano).
I made the mistake of asking Dynamo ‘How’s tricks?’. That’s five hours I’ll never get back.
They’ve caught a morgue attendant nipping the digits off corpses’ feet and taking them home. Bloody clip toe maniac.
I used some underwear to repair a tear in the wing of my hang-glider. Now I’m flying by the seat of my pants.
My tailor’s always having a go at me. I wish he’d cut me some slacks.
My dying wish would be: “I wish I wasn’t dying.”
I hate it when I think I’m buying organic vegetables and when I get them home I discover they’re just regular doughnuts.
“..?? Sh?ttin’ on the dock of the bay... ?? - Sean Connery sings Otis Redding.
My uncle died doing what he loved most in life – his mistress.
On my birthday my new girlfriend gave me the bumps, or as they’re more commonly known, - genital warts.
“I just got back from holiday in Saudi Arabia. Now I can’t do my jeans up.”
“Eat a lot, did you?”
“No, I got caught shoplifting.”
I’m glad the Tories have agreed to crack down on extreme mists. I hate fog too.
My wife installed a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.
My ambition is to open a flying maths school, although it’s probably just pi in the sky.
SILNCE
I’ve taken a vowel off silence.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me that a chicken fried this rice.
Boil in the bag haddock revolutionised cooking. It was a whole different kettle of fish.
Wish me luck on Dragons’ Den. I’m confident that they’ll be blown away by my hurricane making device.
I’ve just been told I have xenophobia. I bet I caught it off some bloody foreigner.
Today is National Poetry Day
And dear followers I must confess
That I struggled to tweet a poem
In a hundred and forty characters or le
Efficient toilet attendants mind their pees and queues.
Still no word from Mastermind. Maybe I need to change my specialist subject from ‘Dogging sites of the South East’.
I’ve decided to release my diet book in America first. I think it deserves a wider audience.
This week on Embarrassing Bodies: - FIFA.
So now the Ryder Cup is over we can go back to using golf balls for useful things like describing hailstones and tumours.
Thanks to autocorrect I’ve been reported to the RSPCA for joining the War On Terriers.
I’ve just found out it’s not called the ‘hymen lick manoeuvre’. Related news: I’m barred from Pizza Hut, Sunbury.
At least I do need to go and see Tin Vine's new gig then! Moustache: “And?”
Man: “We’ve had some good times haven’t we?”
Moustache: “I don’t like the sound of this.”
I’m amazed that sheeps’ clothing is even made in wolf sizes. That’s just asking for trouble.
“Welcome to secret agent training. First lesson. Trust no one.”
“How do we know that’s ‘really’ the first lesson?”
“Oh, you’re good.”
Why does everybody just accept that a stork delivered Dumbo? Nobody ever mentions the elephant in the womb.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“THE LATEST COMPILATION ALBUM!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
“NOW 89!”
“How much is that doggie in the window?” I asked the Korean butcher.
Me: “Forgive me father for I have sinned.”
Priest: “What are your sins.”
Me: “I didn’t rewind a video I borrowed in 1986.”
Priest: “ROT IN HELL!”
My cure for gullibility is now available online at an incredible 90% off. Enter discount code SUCKER.
The DJ said “Shake what your mama gave ya!” So I did, but the lid came off the Tupperware and now I’m covered in shepherd’s pie.
“We WOULD NOT walk 500 miles.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more”
- The Disclaimers
I went to see the doctor about my compulsive voyeurism. He told me to p?ss off from his bedroom window and go to the surgery in the morning.
“Who was the F1 driver who suffered the terrible burns?”
“Lauda?”
“WHO WAS THE F1 DRIVER WHO SUFFERED THE TERRIBLE BURNS?”
Overheard on the Tube: “Let’s move away from that pr?ck who’s listening to our conversation.
Someone just threw some Omega 3 capsules at me. Luckily, I only received super fish oil injuries.
People on this train are giggling because someone called out for his mummy in his sleep. Wish I’d seen it but I was taking a nap at the time.
“My girlfriend got a bo?b job in East London.”
“Wapping?”
“Well, they’re certainly bigger but I wouldn’t go that far.”
So, Jack the Ripper has finally been identified. At last, we can all sleep safely in our beds.
“I take the arrow out. Now I bite the apple & munch it thoroughly – 32 times per mouthful.” – William Tell Over Chewer.
My main weakness is that I can never remember names. It’s my Whatshisname’s heel.
I cut my hand on a margarine tub yesterday. I can’t believe it’s not better.
It’s hard work eating this Lion Bar. It’s no Picnic.
My Chinese mate designed the machine that puts liquid centres into cough sweets. He says it’s not Locket science.
WANTED: Chefs who use herbs and spices sparingly. No thyme wasters please.
We call ourselves civilised, yet here we are in 2014, and I still have to empty the dishwasher BY HAND. - LIKE AN ANIMAL!!
I just got a free meal in Pizza Hut. They do it for everyone who jumps out of the toilet window and runs away.
I’ve had issues with mixing my metaphors in the past, but I think I can finally see the carrot at the end of the tunnel.
The dog is now completely bald but I still feel sicker than ever. I won’t be trying that hangover cure again.
ME: “I fancy coming home at lunchtime for a quickie.”
WIFE: “Fine. Incidentally, it’s pronounced ‘Quiche’”.
Mozart’s parents were idiots. Everybody knows it’s a pack of wolves, not a bloody Wolfgang!
POLICE OFFICERS WANTED for public enforcement duties. Interviews tomorrow. Come early and beat the crowd.
IKEA are rebranding their flatpack furniture ‘The Suppository Range’....because you put it up yourself.
I hate it when my Korean girlfriend shows me those big puppy dog eyes. In fact most of her cooking is pretty disgusting.
The Freudian Slip Society meeting has been cancelled due to unforeskin circumstances.
It still upsets me that my hamster stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking drugs.
Mirror, mirror on the floor
What did I buy cheap wallplugs for?
“Thank you for calling Abseiling Advice. Please hold the line.”
I’ve only got a fiver left. I can either buy a Nicholas Cage DVD or some frozen fish for tea. I’m stuck between ‘The Rock’ and a hard plaice.
I woke up with a caramel stuck to my head, so I’m feeling a bit under the Werther.
What’s that Bruce Willis movie where he plays a wise-cracking action guy against the odds? Oh yes, I remember. All of them.
To whoever stole my broken scales: you won’t get a weigh with it.
My wife doesn’t understand me. Still, it’s her own silly fault if she refuses to learn Klingon.
“My plans for tonight are on the back burner.” – a sadomasochist.
I applied for a job in PC World but they gave it to a one-legged l?sbian.
My car’s at a main dealer garage having a bit of work done. Related news: I’m online trying to sell one of my kidneys.
“Knock knock”
“Sir, this is the police. Open the door immediately.”
“But I’m having a poo.”
“We know sir, this phone box has glass sides.”
I see Tesco are struggling financially these days. Well, if they hadn’t stopped selling extra large condoms, they’d still have my custom!
I was never a very committed shoplifter. I could take it or leave it.
It pains me to say this, but I’ve got laryngitis.
I’ve got a picture of my dad with his grand piano, - (my great-grand piano).
I made the mistake of asking Dynamo ‘How’s tricks?’. That’s five hours I’ll never get back.
They’ve caught a morgue attendant nipping the digits off corpses’ feet and taking them home. Bloody clip toe maniac.
I used some underwear to repair a tear in the wing of my hang-glider. Now I’m flying by the seat of my pants.
My tailor’s always having a go at me. I wish he’d cut me some slacks.
My dying wish would be: “I wish I wasn’t dying.”
I hate it when I think I’m buying organic vegetables and when I get them home I discover they’re just regular doughnuts.
“..?? Sh?ttin’ on the dock of the bay... ?? - Sean Connery sings Otis Redding.
My uncle died doing what he loved most in life – his mistress.
On my birthday my new girlfriend gave me the bumps, or as they’re more commonly known, - genital warts.
“I just got back from holiday in Saudi Arabia. Now I can’t do my jeans up.”
“Eat a lot, did you?”
“No, I got caught shoplifting.”
I’m glad the Tories have agreed to crack down on extreme mists. I hate fog too.
My wife installed a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.
My ambition is to open a flying maths school, although it’s probably just pi in the sky.
SILNCE
I’ve taken a vowel off silence.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me that a chicken fried this rice.
Boil in the bag haddock revolutionised cooking. It was a whole different kettle of fish.
Wish me luck on Dragons’ Den. I’m confident that they’ll be blown away by my hurricane making device.
I’ve just been told I have xenophobia. I bet I caught it off some bloody foreigner.
Today is National Poetry Day
And dear followers I must confess
That I struggled to tweet a poem
In a hundred and forty characters or le
Efficient toilet attendants mind their pees and queues.
Still no word from Mastermind. Maybe I need to change my specialist subject from ‘Dogging sites of the South East’.
I’ve decided to release my diet book in America first. I think it deserves a wider audience.
This week on Embarrassing Bodies: - FIFA.
So now the Ryder Cup is over we can go back to using golf balls for useful things like describing hailstones and tumours.
Thanks to autocorrect I’ve been reported to the RSPCA for joining the War On Terriers.
I’ve just found out it’s not called the ‘hymen lick manoeuvre’. Related news: I’m barred from Pizza Hut, Sunbury.
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