Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 8)

[GuitarTech]

Vipers said:

Woman goes into a dry cleaners, pulls a dress out of a bag and says

"Can you get these stains out for me"

The woman behind the counter didn't quite catch what she said, so she asked

"Come again"

Woman says, "No it's salad cream"

I think it works better as a picture:

[familyguy1]

how can you tell how heavy your chili pepper is?

you give it a weigh give it a weigh give it a weigh now.

[ABZ RS6]

Vipers said:

Only a few will appreciate this.

---

What's the difference between a Torry Quine and a bowling ball.

You can only get three fingers into a bowling ball.

[Craigyp79]

ABZ RS6 said:

Vipers said:

Only a few will appreciate this.

---

What's the difference between a Torry Quine and a bowling ball.

You can only get three fingers into a bowling ball.

Long time since I heard the that joke!

[silverfoxcc]

Is that the new version of

Whats the difference between Christine Keeler and the M1

not everyone has been up the M1


Delete M1 rewrite with KIt Kat

You only get four fingers in a KIt Kat

[PoleDriver]

Vipers said:

Only a few will appreciate this.

---

True dat!

[SidJames]

El Guapo said:

Muntu said:

I went for my first prostrate examination today.

The doc gave me the thumbs up.

Thank heavens you weren't having a prostate examination.

like it!

[Fer]

Craigyp79 said:

ABZ RS6 said:

Vipers said:

Only a few will appreciate this.

---

What's the difference between a Torry Quine and a bowling ball.

You can only get three fingers into a bowling ball.

Long time since I heard the that joke!

And long the same lines - what is the difference between an Essex girl and a bowling ball?

You can't get an Essex Girl inside a bowling ball.

[gmaz]

El Guapo said:

Thank heavens you weren't having a prostate examination.

I just had mine. The doctor got out the latex glove and lube and said "Its quite normal to get an erection during the examination". I said "But I don't have an erection!". He replied "I know, but I have!"

[davhill]

SidJames said:

like it!

On the trail of the lonesome supine?

[alorotom]

familyguy1 said:

how can you tell how heavy your chili pepper is?

you give it a weigh give it a weigh give it a weigh now.

chortled at that, mrs asks, tell her it, she reckons I'm a "saddo" lol

[McAndy]

familyguy1 said:

how can you tell how heavy your chili pepper is?

you give it a weigh give it a weigh give it a weigh now.

Chuckle.

[PoleDriver]

I bought a toilet brush 5 days ago.
Long story short...
I'm going back to toilet paper....!!!

[Laurel Green]

PoleDriver said:

I bought a toilet brush 5 days ago.
Long story short...
I'm going back to toilet paper....!!!

Harsh!

[PoleDriver]

Laurel Green said:

PoleDriver said:

I bought a toilet brush 5 days ago.
Long story short...
I'm going back to toilet paper....!!!

Harsh!

It was!

[Caruso]

Funkycoldribena said:

Women, no sense of humour

My wife shares my sense of humour - she has to as she doesn't have one of her own.

[Vipers]

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.

He proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon, he asks the drunk, “Are you ready to find Jesus?”

The drunk shouts, “Yes, I am!”

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him back and asks, “Brother, have you found Jesus?”

The drunk replies, “No, I haven’t found Jesus.”

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks, “Have you found Jesus, brother?”

The drunk answers, “No, I haven’t found Jesus!”

By this time, the preacher is at his wit’s end and dunks the drunk again – but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, “For the love of God, have you found Jesus?!”

The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher, “Are you sure this is where he fell in?”

[AstonZagato]

PoleDriver said:

Laurel Green said:

PoleDriver said:

I bought a toilet brush 5 days ago.
Long story short...
I'm going back to toilet paper....!!!

Harsh!

It was!

Reminds me of the old joke:

Prince Charles is visiting a military hospital.

He is introduced to the first patient.
"What's your name soldier?"
"Corporal McAllister, sir"
"What are you in here for?"
"Piles, sir"
"Ah, what treatment are they giving you?"
"Wire brush and Dettol, sir."
"Dear God! You poor man. Is there anything that you'd like to have?"
"No sir, all I want is to get out of here and serve my country again."
"Good man."

He moves on to the next patient.
"What's your name soldier?"
"Private Gordon, sir"
"What are you in here for?"
"Gonorrhoea , sir"
"Ah, what treatment are they giving you?"
"Wire brush and Dettol, sir."
Charles winces.
"Dear God! You poor man. Is there anything that you'd like to have?"
"No sir, all I want is to get out of here and serve my country again."
"Good man."

He moves on to the next patient.
"What's your name soldier?"
[whispering]"Lance Corporal McDonald, sir"
"What are you in here for?"
[whispering]"Laryngitis, sir"
"Ah, what treatment are they giving you?"
[whispering]"Wire brush and Dettol, sir."
Charles winces.
"Dear God! You poor man. Is there anything that you'd like to have?"
[whispering]"Yes sir. I want to have the wire brush and Dettol before those two filthy bds."

[elanfan]

A bloke I know some years ago whispered to me:

If you woke up one morning with a used condom hanging out of your arse and had green knees, would you tell the Police?

I thought about it and said probably not.

His reply - do you want to come camping?

[skeggysteve]

Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office - I will track you down.

You have my Word.