Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 8)

[Yex 450]

Fer said:

And long the same lines - what is the difference between an Essex girl and a bowling ball?

You can't get an Essex Girl inside a bowling ball.

You can only get 3 fingers in a bowling ball

[Muntu]

Where's the best place to witness a 3-legged race?

Sports Day at Chernobyl Primary.

[Muntu]

I told my friend people keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them
He said, “By mistake?”
I said, “Oh fk off, not you as well!”

[Ayahuasca]

Old one...

A Scot, a Welshman and an Englishman are captured by ISIS.


Jihady John: 'Any last request before we chop your heads off?'


Scot: Please can I sing 'Flower of Scotland' one last time?

Welshman: Please can I sing 'The Green Green Grass of Home one last time?

Englishman: Please can I be executed first?

[Halmyre]

Ayahuasca said:

Old one...

A Scot, a Welshman and an Englishman are captured by ISIS.


Jihady John: 'Any last request before we chop your heads off?'


Scot: Please can I sing 'Flower of Scotland' one last time?

Welshman: Please can I sing 'The Green Green Grass of Home one last time?

Englishman: Please can I be executed first?

Obviously wanting to spare his companions further atrocity (Jerusalem, Rule Brittania, Swing Low Sweet Chariot, Land of Hope and Glory, etc).

[familyguy1]

Why do Russians wear pants?...............to prevent Chernobyl fall out.

[S6PNJ]

What's pink,wrinkly and hangs out your y-fronts?
Your wife/Mother-in-Law/Mother (delete as appropriate!)

Edited by S6PNJ on Monday 15th May 22:03

[Quickmoose]

familyguy1 said:

Why do Russians wear pants?...............to prevent Chernobyl fall out.

no...no

Why should you avoid wearing Russian underpants?
Because Chernobyl fall out.

[Frimley111R]

Quickmoose said:

familyguy1 said:

Why do Russians wear pants?...............to prevent Chernobyl fall out.

no...no

Why should you avoid wearing Russian underpants?
Because Chernobyl fall out.

The 1980s want their joke back!

[PoleDriver]

Frimley111R said:

The 1980s want their joke back!

I thought this was their archive?

[grumpy52]

Whats pink and hard every morning ?
The Financial Times crossword .

[grumpy52]

Put my smartphone under my pillow last night.
Woke this morning no phone just a £1 coin .

Bl@@dy Bluetooth fairy !

[Vipers]

I got a new stick deodorant today.

The instructions said "Remove cap and push up bottom".

I can barely walk, but whenever I fart, the room smells lovely.

[Muntu]

I caught the wife masturbating during a Rowan Atkinson movie earlier.

She loves a good Bean flick.

[Muntu]

I've just seen an advert in my local newspaper.

ACCOUNTANT NEEDED!
£35,000 - £40,000

So I rang them and said, "The answer is -£5,000"

[Moonhawk]

Muntu said:

I've just seen an advert in my local newspaper.

ACCOUNTANT NEEDED!
£35,000 - £40,000

So I rang them and said, "The answer is -£5,000"

I guess you didn't get the job then - most banks and big firms like Tesco seem to want accountants that would get the answer +£1 million

[Muntu]

Played 'guess the condom flavour' with the girlfriend last night

She shouted 'Cheese & Onion?'

'Hang on', I said. 'I ain't put one on yet'

[Laurel Green]

Muntu said:

Played 'guess the condom flavour' with the girlfriend last night

She shouted 'Cheese & Onion?'

'Hang on', I said. 'I ain't put one on yet'

The old 'uns are the best.

[MartG]

Laurel Green said:

Muntu said:

Played 'guess the condom flavour' with the girlfriend last night

She shouted 'Cheese & Onion?'

'Hang on', I said. 'I ain't put one on yet'

The old 'uns are the best.

That's what he told her

[FredClogs]

Irish female weight lifter goes to the doctor and says...

"Doctor, I've been taking these steroids for my performance and they've made me grow a penis"

Doctor says "anabolic?"

"No just a penis"