Being told " I don't love you anymore"
Discussion
QJumper said:
Harry Flashman said:
A friend of mine is going through this. She cheated on him, because frankly he neglected her quite a lot. Partner at a big law firm, insane work/travel schedule, him doing it to build a financially secure life for his
Is family. She is at home, 3 kids, all with learning difficulties. She was isolated and lonely. She cheated,
I agree with a lot of what you say, but this is probably the bit that gets me the most. Cleary she married him, at least in part, because of the benefits his career could bring. Is family. She is at home, 3 kids, all with learning difficulties. She was isolated and lonely. She cheated,
Edited by Harry Flashman on Sunday 31st December 10:25
This appllies to men as much as women, but we seem to be living in a society that encourages people to look to the benefits they might receive, whilst allowing no room for people to consider, understand, or accept the downsides too. As a result, when the real world conquences hit, they feel it's ok to act badly, and then justify it by saying things weren't going their way anymore. There no longer seems to be any desire to teach people to consider the long term implications of their choices, and accept responsibility when tnings pan out that way. Instead peope seem to feel that once the short term gratification stops, then they're absolved from any responsibility for their actions.
It's not just about trust either. A marriage, or relationship, has implied terms. Probably the most fundamental of those terms is sexual exclusivity between two people. To me, the emotional implications of cheating put it on a par with abuse. To then try and excuse, or worse, imply that the blame lies with the other party, only adds insult to injury. With any other form of abuse it would be called gaslighting.
Yes, we can all understand how it can happen, but equally there's nothing stopping anyone from saying that they're not happy with how things are, and that they'll leave if things don't change. Cheating is simply deceptively keeping your options open, or having your cake and eating it, which is both inherently selfish and inexcusable..
And he did well. And became pretty materialistic - she is not. So he worked harder and harder, bought the 5m house in Richmond, bought the supercars and the holidays. She wanted to stay in their house in Streatham, raise the kids and be happy. He spent more and more time away from home, travelling for work, living in the office. The kids were all diagnosed with special needs (ADHD mostly). He felt that earning more money was the answer, she wanted him at home more.
She felt abandoned, isolated, not listened to. She cheated. He feels lied to, betrayed. He will cheat.
He is one of my best friends from school, and she is a onetime ex of mine (we were law school together) and today is an old, close friend. I love them both. This is horrid.
Edited by Harry Flashman on Sunday 31st December 19:30
Harry Flashman said:
Actually, it's more complex than that in this particular case. They met at the firm. They decided that one of them would give up career to bring the cash in. His prospects for senior partnership were stronger at the time.
And he did well. And became pretty materialistic - she is not. So he worked harder and harder, bought the 5m house in Richmond, bought the supercars and the holidays. She wanted to stay in their house in Streatham, raise the kids and be happy. He spent more and more time away from home, travelling for work, living in the office. The kids were all diagnosed with special needs (ADHD mostly). He felt that earning more money was the answer, she wanted him at home more.
She felt abandoned, isolated, not listened to. She cheated. He feels lied to, betrayed. He will cheat.
He is one of my best friends from school, and she is a onetime ex of mine (we were law school together) and today is an old, close friend. I love them both. This is horrid.
It does sound horrid, and your post shows just how complex things can be, as well the nuances of individual situations.And he did well. And became pretty materialistic - she is not. So he worked harder and harder, bought the 5m house in Richmond, bought the supercars and the holidays. She wanted to stay in their house in Streatham, raise the kids and be happy. He spent more and more time away from home, travelling for work, living in the office. The kids were all diagnosed with special needs (ADHD mostly). He felt that earning more money was the answer, she wanted him at home more.
She felt abandoned, isolated, not listened to. She cheated. He feels lied to, betrayed. He will cheat.
He is one of my best friends from school, and she is a onetime ex of mine (we were law school together) and today is an old, close friend. I love them both. This is horrid.
Edited by Harry Flashman on Sunday 31st December 19:30
It also shows how the aftermath can lead to unresolved feelings, and destructive behaviours, that do no favours for either party.
It's very sad indeed.
Darkslider said:
Once again thanks very much everyone for your replies, from both sides of the fence. It's a shame my post has created so much ill feeling however this is naturally an emotional and divisive topic I suppose so not unexpected.
I was in two minds about whether I could or should give her another chance I'll admit. But to bring some closure to this I've made up my mind.
She changed phones recently and her old one has been lying on the bedstand plugged in for a few months now. It's been unattended all that time and she still uses a few social media apps on it etc if she's in bed, I think because the screen on her new phone is a bit smaller possibly. On a whim I went through it, her PIN was her date of birth jumbled up which I assume she didn't remember telling me years ago.
In her photo album I found plenty of evidence from much further than than she admitted to. Nude photos in our bathroom, shower and bedroom, her wearing underwear and outfits I don't think I've ever seen, lots of other seductive selfies and poses that weren't intended for me, and a few screenshots of sexting conversations with a few gym selfies and a dick pic from the other guy thrown in for good measure.
None of this was a surprise really it's all exactly what I had imagined had gone on, but seeing it played out in front of me and not in my head made my mind up for me. I can't possibly take her back after this level of betrayal, and even though she says the words I don't think she can possibly have had any kind of love for me left if she was able to do what she did. As hard as it is to swallow I'm better off without her and I know now for sure I'd never be able to have the same trust again, and I think I deserve better than spending the rest of my days in permanent suspicion.
That's awful, and I'm sorry to hear it. There's no coming back from that I don't think. I was in two minds about whether I could or should give her another chance I'll admit. But to bring some closure to this I've made up my mind.
She changed phones recently and her old one has been lying on the bedstand plugged in for a few months now. It's been unattended all that time and she still uses a few social media apps on it etc if she's in bed, I think because the screen on her new phone is a bit smaller possibly. On a whim I went through it, her PIN was her date of birth jumbled up which I assume she didn't remember telling me years ago.
In her photo album I found plenty of evidence from much further than than she admitted to. Nude photos in our bathroom, shower and bedroom, her wearing underwear and outfits I don't think I've ever seen, lots of other seductive selfies and poses that weren't intended for me, and a few screenshots of sexting conversations with a few gym selfies and a dick pic from the other guy thrown in for good measure.
None of this was a surprise really it's all exactly what I had imagined had gone on, but seeing it played out in front of me and not in my head made my mind up for me. I can't possibly take her back after this level of betrayal, and even though she says the words I don't think she can possibly have had any kind of love for me left if she was able to do what she did. As hard as it is to swallow I'm better off without her and I know now for sure I'd never be able to have the same trust again, and I think I deserve better than spending the rest of my days in permanent suspicion.
Onwards and upwards. Although it'll be a while before you feel that I think. Good luck chum.
I personally wouldn't stay with any partner who cheated on me.
It isn't only about the physical act of cheating, it's the complete lack of respect, empathy and trust you expect from a partner. Even if you could forgive/forget the physical side, you'll never regain the trust for them, they'll likely not respect you, and they've already demonstrated how they behave.
Expecting a leopard to change it's spots isn't usually a winning strategy.
Plenty of lovely ladies out there. Get through the self pity phase as quickly as possible. Get out there, make friends, have fun, be happy and meet someone who has something better to offer.
It isn't only about the physical act of cheating, it's the complete lack of respect, empathy and trust you expect from a partner. Even if you could forgive/forget the physical side, you'll never regain the trust for them, they'll likely not respect you, and they've already demonstrated how they behave.
Expecting a leopard to change it's spots isn't usually a winning strategy.
Plenty of lovely ladies out there. Get through the self pity phase as quickly as possible. Get out there, make friends, have fun, be happy and meet someone who has something better to offer.
Darkslider said:
Once again thanks very much everyone for your replies, from both sides of the fence. It's a shame my post has created so much ill feeling however this is naturally an emotional and divisive topic I suppose so not unexpected.
I was in two minds about whether I could or should give her another chance I'll admit. But to bring some closure to this I've made up my mind.
She changed phones recently and her old one has been lying on the bedstand plugged in for a few months now. It's been unattended all that time and she still uses a few social media apps on it etc if she's in bed, I think because the screen on her new phone is a bit smaller possibly. On a whim I went through it, her PIN was her date of birth jumbled up which I assume she didn't remember telling me years ago.
In her photo album I found plenty of evidence from much further than than she admitted to. Nude photos in our bathroom, shower and bedroom, her wearing underwear and outfits I don't think I've ever seen, lots of other seductive selfies and poses that weren't intended for me, and a few screenshots of sexting conversations with a few gym selfies and a dick pic from the other guy thrown in for good measure.
None of this was a surprise really it's all exactly what I had imagined had gone on, but seeing it played out in front of me and not in my head made my mind up for me. I can't possibly take her back after this level of betrayal, and even though she says the words I don't think she can possibly have had any kind of love for me left if she was able to do what she did. As hard as it is to swallow I'm better off without her and I know now for sure I'd never be able to have the same trust again, and I think I deserve better than spending the rest of my days in permanent suspicion.
Painful, likely nauseating, but something you needed to do to see through the lies. I was in two minds about whether I could or should give her another chance I'll admit. But to bring some closure to this I've made up my mind.
She changed phones recently and her old one has been lying on the bedstand plugged in for a few months now. It's been unattended all that time and she still uses a few social media apps on it etc if she's in bed, I think because the screen on her new phone is a bit smaller possibly. On a whim I went through it, her PIN was her date of birth jumbled up which I assume she didn't remember telling me years ago.
In her photo album I found plenty of evidence from much further than than she admitted to. Nude photos in our bathroom, shower and bedroom, her wearing underwear and outfits I don't think I've ever seen, lots of other seductive selfies and poses that weren't intended for me, and a few screenshots of sexting conversations with a few gym selfies and a dick pic from the other guy thrown in for good measure.
None of this was a surprise really it's all exactly what I had imagined had gone on, but seeing it played out in front of me and not in my head made my mind up for me. I can't possibly take her back after this level of betrayal, and even though she says the words I don't think she can possibly have had any kind of love for me left if she was able to do what she did. As hard as it is to swallow I'm better off without her and I know now for sure I'd never be able to have the same trust again, and I think I deserve better than spending the rest of my days in permanent suspicion.
Good luck with it all
Darkslider said:
Once again thanks very much everyone for your replies, from both sides of the fence. It's a shame my post has created so much ill feeling however this is naturally an emotional and divisive topic I suppose so not unexpected.
I was in two minds about whether I could or should give her another chance I'll admit. But to bring some closure to this I've made up my mind.
She changed phones recently and her old one has been lying on the bedstand plugged in for a few months now. It's been unattended all that time and she still uses a few social media apps on it etc if she's in bed, I think because the screen on her new phone is a bit smaller possibly. On a whim I went through it, her PIN was her date of birth jumbled up which I assume she didn't remember telling me years ago.
In her photo album I found plenty of evidence from much further than than she admitted to. Nude photos in our bathroom, shower and bedroom, her wearing underwear and outfits I don't think I've ever seen, lots of other seductive selfies and poses that weren't intended for me, and a few screenshots of sexting conversations with a few gym selfies and a dick pic from the other guy thrown in for good measure.
None of this was a surprise really it's all exactly what I had imagined had gone on, but seeing it played out in front of me and not in my head made my mind up for me. I can't possibly take her back after this level of betrayal, and even though she says the words I don't think she can possibly have had any kind of love for me left if she was able to do what she did. As hard as it is to swallow I'm better off without her and I know now for sure I'd never be able to have the same trust again, and I think I deserve better than spending the rest of my days in permanent suspicion.
Sorry to hear that, I can't imagine how awful it must feel. It's a timely reminder to others though, that often there's a lot more going on than you've been told, no matter how sincerely it appears to have been expressed.I was in two minds about whether I could or should give her another chance I'll admit. But to bring some closure to this I've made up my mind.
She changed phones recently and her old one has been lying on the bedstand plugged in for a few months now. It's been unattended all that time and she still uses a few social media apps on it etc if she's in bed, I think because the screen on her new phone is a bit smaller possibly. On a whim I went through it, her PIN was her date of birth jumbled up which I assume she didn't remember telling me years ago.
In her photo album I found plenty of evidence from much further than than she admitted to. Nude photos in our bathroom, shower and bedroom, her wearing underwear and outfits I don't think I've ever seen, lots of other seductive selfies and poses that weren't intended for me, and a few screenshots of sexting conversations with a few gym selfies and a dick pic from the other guy thrown in for good measure.
None of this was a surprise really it's all exactly what I had imagined had gone on, but seeing it played out in front of me and not in my head made my mind up for me. I can't possibly take her back after this level of betrayal, and even though she says the words I don't think she can possibly have had any kind of love for me left if she was able to do what she did. As hard as it is to swallow I'm better off without her and I know now for sure I'd never be able to have the same trust again, and I think I deserve better than spending the rest of my days in permanent suspicion.
In an attempt to see a silver lining, it at least removes any doubt, and gives you only one clear path forwards.
Good luck, and I sincerely wish you happy new year and a brighter 2024.
Darkslider said:
Once again thanks very much everyone for your replies, from both sides of the fence. It's a shame my post has created so much ill feeling however this is naturally an emotional and divisive topic I suppose so not unexpected.
I was in two minds about whether I could or should give her another chance I'll admit. But to bring some closure to this I've made up my mind.
She changed phones recently and her old one has been lying on the bedstand plugged in for a few months now. It's been unattended all that time and she still uses a few social media apps on it etc if she's in bed, I think because the screen on her new phone is a bit smaller possibly. On a whim I went through it, her PIN was her date of birth jumbled up which I assume she didn't remember telling me years ago.
In her photo album I found plenty of evidence from much further than than she admitted to. Nude photos in our bathroom, shower and bedroom, her wearing underwear and outfits I don't think I've ever seen, lots of other seductive selfies and poses that weren't intended for me, and a few screenshots of sexting conversations with a few gym selfies and a dick pic from the other guy thrown in for good measure.
None of this was a surprise really it's all exactly what I had imagined had gone on, but seeing it played out in front of me and not in my head made my mind up for me. I can't possibly take her back after this level of betrayal, and even though she says the words I don't think she can possibly have had any kind of love for me left if she was able to do what she did. As hard as it is to swallow I'm better off without her and I know now for sure I'd never be able to have the same trust again, and I think I deserve better than spending the rest of my days in permanent suspicion.
Ouch. I'm sorry.I was in two minds about whether I could or should give her another chance I'll admit. But to bring some closure to this I've made up my mind.
She changed phones recently and her old one has been lying on the bedstand plugged in for a few months now. It's been unattended all that time and she still uses a few social media apps on it etc if she's in bed, I think because the screen on her new phone is a bit smaller possibly. On a whim I went through it, her PIN was her date of birth jumbled up which I assume she didn't remember telling me years ago.
In her photo album I found plenty of evidence from much further than than she admitted to. Nude photos in our bathroom, shower and bedroom, her wearing underwear and outfits I don't think I've ever seen, lots of other seductive selfies and poses that weren't intended for me, and a few screenshots of sexting conversations with a few gym selfies and a dick pic from the other guy thrown in for good measure.
None of this was a surprise really it's all exactly what I had imagined had gone on, but seeing it played out in front of me and not in my head made my mind up for me. I can't possibly take her back after this level of betrayal, and even though she says the words I don't think she can possibly have had any kind of love for me left if she was able to do what she did. As hard as it is to swallow I'm better off without her and I know now for sure I'd never be able to have the same trust again, and I think I deserve better than spending the rest of my days in permanent suspicion.
I categorise people who use the term "beta male" about other men (the implication of course being that they themselves are some sort of "apex male") as i do those who use the term "snowflake" to describe anyone who isn't as neanderthal as themselves; i.e. as being intellectually sub-par.
Edited by Harry Flashman on Sunday 31st December 21:55
Darkslider said:
Once again thanks very much everyone for your replies, from both sides of the fence. It's a shame my post has created so much ill feeling however this is naturally an emotional and divisive topic I suppose so not unexpected.
I was in two minds about whether I could or should give her another chance I'll admit. But to bring some closure to this I've made up my mind.
She changed phones recently and her old one has been lying on the bedstand plugged in for a few months now. It's been unattended all that time and she still uses a few social media apps on it etc if she's in bed, I think because the screen on her new phone is a bit smaller possibly. On a whim I went through it, her PIN was her date of birth jumbled up which I assume she didn't remember telling me years ago.
In her photo album I found plenty of evidence from much further than than she admitted to. Nude photos in our bathroom, shower and bedroom, her wearing underwear and outfits I don't think I've ever seen, lots of other seductive selfies and poses that weren't intended for me, and a few screenshots of sexting conversations with a few gym selfies and a dick pic from the other guy thrown in for good measure.
None of this was a surprise really it's all exactly what I had imagined had gone on, but seeing it played out in front of me and not in my head made my mind up for me. I can't possibly take her back after this level of betrayal, and even though she says the words I don't think she can possibly have had any kind of love for me left if she was able to do what she did. As hard as it is to swallow I'm better off without her and I know now for sure I'd never be able to have the same trust again, and I think I deserve better than spending the rest of my days in permanent suspicion.
So so sorry to hear its come to this.I was in two minds about whether I could or should give her another chance I'll admit. But to bring some closure to this I've made up my mind.
She changed phones recently and her old one has been lying on the bedstand plugged in for a few months now. It's been unattended all that time and she still uses a few social media apps on it etc if she's in bed, I think because the screen on her new phone is a bit smaller possibly. On a whim I went through it, her PIN was her date of birth jumbled up which I assume she didn't remember telling me years ago.
In her photo album I found plenty of evidence from much further than than she admitted to. Nude photos in our bathroom, shower and bedroom, her wearing underwear and outfits I don't think I've ever seen, lots of other seductive selfies and poses that weren't intended for me, and a few screenshots of sexting conversations with a few gym selfies and a dick pic from the other guy thrown in for good measure.
None of this was a surprise really it's all exactly what I had imagined had gone on, but seeing it played out in front of me and not in my head made my mind up for me. I can't possibly take her back after this level of betrayal, and even though she says the words I don't think she can possibly have had any kind of love for me left if she was able to do what she did. As hard as it is to swallow I'm better off without her and I know now for sure I'd never be able to have the same trust again, and I think I deserve better than spending the rest of my days in permanent suspicion.
You're in state of total disbelief & shock right now , she behaved abominably & deserves no consideration at all. There is no excuse to abusing your love & trust. At the moment please take time value yourself , eventually come to realise you will be so much happier , calmer with this untrustworthy wretch out of your life. Take time to enjoy your own company & if,when you meet someone new never let that feeling of self worth leave you.
Good Luck...
Yes very few people could get over that level of infidelity. A drunken one night stand maybe but not something like that.
First step now is to protect yourself financially. Do that before any more conversations and you show your hand.
Good luck. Never great but a particularly bad time for it to happen.
First step now is to protect yourself financially. Do that before any more conversations and you show your hand.
Good luck. Never great but a particularly bad time for it to happen.
Obviously it was very tough for you to find those photos but at least you know the truth now. Far from the "she made a mistake, give her another chance" rubbish spouted by some on this thread, this was cold and calculated from her.
I know I am frequently rubbished by some in this thread by my "tingles" and "edorphine" theories but this is exactly what this was. She was getting off massively in the excitement of this, especially having to sneak around behind your back. How interesting that she was buying lingerie for the new guy, but not for you.
You know the truth, she isn't one in a million and you can send her back to the streets where she belongs now.
You did nothing wrong, and suggestion by her that you did is just her trying to shift the blame.
I am guessing her and the ex will not get back together and she will be begging you to take her back. Hopefully you haven't told her what you have discovered and can use this as the trump card if she suggests you should get back together and that she made a "mistake'
I know I am frequently rubbished by some in this thread by my "tingles" and "edorphine" theories but this is exactly what this was. She was getting off massively in the excitement of this, especially having to sneak around behind your back. How interesting that she was buying lingerie for the new guy, but not for you.
You know the truth, she isn't one in a million and you can send her back to the streets where she belongs now.
You did nothing wrong, and suggestion by her that you did is just her trying to shift the blame.
I am guessing her and the ex will not get back together and she will be begging you to take her back. Hopefully you haven't told her what you have discovered and can use this as the trump card if she suggests you should get back together and that she made a "mistake'
Harry Flashman said:
Fermit said:
@ Mr Flashman. Doesn't being tunnel buddies with a friend come with it's own sets of complications? Actually, you mention high school, so you possibly didn't do the deed with her!
No. Why should it?Fermit said:
Harry Flashman said:
Fermit said:
@ Mr Flashman. Doesn't being tunnel buddies with a friend come with it's own sets of complications? Actually, you mention high school, so you possibly didn't do the deed with her!
No. Why should it?I’ve got a whole host of now friends that I’ve bumped uglies with in the distant past and we are all adults about it. Cannot see why you couldn’t remain friends because once upon a time you slept together.
Gassing Station | The Lounge | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff