Being told " I don't love you anymore"
Discussion
Darkslider said:
None of this was a surprise really it's all exactly what I had imagined had gone on, but seeing it played out in front of me and not in my head made my mind up for me. I can't possibly take her back after this level of betrayal, and even though she says the words I don't think she can possibly have had any kind of love for me left if she was able to do what she did. As hard as it is to swallow I'm better off without her and I know now for sure I'd never be able to have the same trust again, and I think I deserve better than spending the rest of my days in permanent suspicion.
Sorry to hear about the recent findings/development.Made the right decision IMO.
Darkslider said:
I get that maybe you were wronged in the past and to your mind there's some terrible advice being given by some of the guys in here who have perhaps been able to forgive and forget, when you couldn't. . But this thread is full of people that have had their hearts broken one way or another, and personal insults just aren't helpful. On my level I'm feeling exceptionally fragile right now, I've taken the tough decision to get rid of her as per your camps advice, and this thread is one of very few life lines I'm clinging on to for support. I just don't want to see people arguing over my situation it's not helping me.
I had a terrible night last night, I've only been eating a slice of toast a day because I'm so sick, and I've had about 4 hours sleep in 4 days. Once my mate left at around 1am I was on my own, and tried to sleep but despite my entire body feeling fatigued I just can't switch my brain off.
Am sure I speak for all to say that despite some of the 'differences of opinion', we're all here to support you.I had a terrible night last night, I've only been eating a slice of toast a day because I'm so sick, and I've had about 4 hours sleep in 4 days. Once my mate left at around 1am I was on my own, and tried to sleep but despite my entire body feeling fatigued I just can't switch my brain off.
This is essentially a 'bereavement reaction'. What you are describing is normal. It will pass with time. Focus on one day at a time.
Two things will now come into play, first is how you purchased the property, was it as "tenants in common" or joint tenants, google both terms as this will decide what happens with the house. If you do not know then download the house deeds from the land registry website, it is only a couple of quid and will state which applies.
Secondly, was her salary factored into the mortgage offer? if so the lender may decide without such you no longer meet the lending threshold on your own, and as such if she is coming off the mortgage you will need to find another lender, find a way to reduce the loan amount or be forced to sell the house.
As mentioned, you had just outed her as further lying about the facts, face to face she is going to feel guilty, however once people get in her ear and she has slept on it then the entitlement will then surface and she may well go back on her word, it had no legal binding.
Secondly, was her salary factored into the mortgage offer? if so the lender may decide without such you no longer meet the lending threshold on your own, and as such if she is coming off the mortgage you will need to find another lender, find a way to reduce the loan amount or be forced to sell the house.
As mentioned, you had just outed her as further lying about the facts, face to face she is going to feel guilty, however once people get in her ear and she has slept on it then the entitlement will then surface and she may well go back on her word, it had no legal binding.
DS
Yes I was wronged significantly. After losing two kids during pregnancy, the last resulting in her being rushed in for emergency surgery and spending 4 weeks in ITU. To find out on the week of our daughter’s birthday she was pregnant (and had an abortion booked for the day before said birthdays) I’m a little less forgiving now.
I’d done the flashman approach years earlier with her, worked out great
You’re doing the right thing. You will go through dark times but it will get easier and better as soon as one or the other moves out.
Trust once broken can never be recovered. I’d spent the best years of my life fighting that and lost.
Get her out sooner than later, her parents/friends who we will take her.
Because of the previous losses during pregnancy and thanks to her (now husband) having nowhere to put her up, I let her stay at ours and that was a huge mistake. It destroyed me and my daughter
Your first relationship after this will seem amazing and you’ll overlook any faults in it. Get a few rebounds out the way before venturing back into the long term game
Pornhub is not your friend
Yes I was wronged significantly. After losing two kids during pregnancy, the last resulting in her being rushed in for emergency surgery and spending 4 weeks in ITU. To find out on the week of our daughter’s birthday she was pregnant (and had an abortion booked for the day before said birthdays) I’m a little less forgiving now.
I’d done the flashman approach years earlier with her, worked out great
You’re doing the right thing. You will go through dark times but it will get easier and better as soon as one or the other moves out.
Trust once broken can never be recovered. I’d spent the best years of my life fighting that and lost.
Get her out sooner than later, her parents/friends who we will take her.
Because of the previous losses during pregnancy and thanks to her (now husband) having nowhere to put her up, I let her stay at ours and that was a huge mistake. It destroyed me and my daughter
Your first relationship after this will seem amazing and you’ll overlook any faults in it. Get a few rebounds out the way before venturing back into the long term game
Pornhub is not your friend
TwigtheWonderkid said:
Everyone does some things wrong in a relationship.
That's very true, and it's how you handle it that matters.Perhaps the OP did things wrong in being neglecftul, but the correct response is to raise that, so that he has the opportunity to address it. A poor response is to just cheat, made all the poorer by not taking full responsibility for it, and blaming it on the OPs neglect. At most the OPs neglect can only make someone feel a certain way, how they choose to act on that is 100% down to them.
Seeing the full story though, my guess is that would have happened anyway, and that anything else was just aan excuse to justify it.
That doesn't absolve the OP from addressing any neglectful behaviour if he feels there's some truth to that, and learning from it to become a better person. But what it does mean is that it will be any new partner that benefits from that lesson, and not the one who threw away that opportunity.
Maybe she'll learn from it too, and become a better person from learning that there are consequences to the choices one makes.
Unreal said:
OK this is experience based advice not opinion.
On a strictly psychological level, and see my caveat below, if the deal is advantageous and acceptable to you, act quickly to get it legally tied up. This is because some of her offer is based on guilt. Guilt fades, conversations are had with friends and family, peeps into the future are had and suddenly being generous comes off the table and self-interest becomes the priority.
.
This thought had already crossed my mind. Unfortunately I just don't have the money right now to be able to buy her out and take on the mortgage by myself, I think that's going to take me a few months to come by at best, possibly up to a year at worst. I suppose the logical next step is to take some advice from our mortgage broker and a conveyancing solicitor to find out our options.On a strictly psychological level, and see my caveat below, if the deal is advantageous and acceptable to you, act quickly to get it legally tied up. This is because some of her offer is based on guilt. Guilt fades, conversations are had with friends and family, peeps into the future are had and suddenly being generous comes off the table and self-interest becomes the priority.
.
PAUL.S. said:
Two things will now come into play, first is how you purchased the property, was it as "tenants in common" or joint tenants, google both terms as this will decide what happens with the house. If you do not know then download the house deeds from the land registry website, it is only a couple of quid and will state which applies.
Secondly, was her salary factored into the mortgage offer? if so the lender may decide without such you no longer meet the lending threshold on your own, and as such if she is coming off the mortgage you will need to find another lender, find a way to reduce the loan amount or be forced to sell the house.
Joint tenants, and her salary was factored in yes as she was working full time when we bought the house, but shortly after she went back to uni and has been doing one shift a week in her job for the last 3 years whilst studying. We've been living hand to mouth since, and I admit I haven't been the most sensible with my money, I've got less than £1k in the bank and £5k credit card debt, on a £28k salary. We've £140k left on the loan and my lender, if I were a new customer would only lend me £132k today according to their online calculator. Basically I need to raise £16k unless there's other mortgage options I'm not aware of, such as going interest only for now perhaps.Secondly, was her salary factored into the mortgage offer? if so the lender may decide without such you no longer meet the lending threshold on your own, and as such if she is coming off the mortgage you will need to find another lender, find a way to reduce the loan amount or be forced to sell the house.
I'll be ridiculed for this but I think she's realised what a huge mistake she's made, and I think her remorse at how much she's hurt me is genuine enough to keep her promise when it comes to this. And if I'm wrong and it turns out her mind changes before I can raise the money quick enough, well then I'm no worse off than I am at this moment in time when my only option was to sell the house anyway.
I think I know what I need to do now, just get through this initial super-grief period until I can function somewhat normally again, and then I need to pull out all the stops to raise enough cash to save my home.
It will either work out or it won't, either way I'll get through it.
Thanks again for all your support.
Secret lemonade drinker said:
DS
Yes I was wronged significantly. After losing two kids during pregnancy, the last resulting in her being rushed in for emergency surgery and spending 4 weeks in ITU. To find out on the week of our daughter’s birthday she was pregnant (and had an abortion booked for the day before said birthdays) I’m a little less forgiving now.
I’d done the flashman approach years earlier with her, worked out great
I'm still unsure why some of you people seem incapable of basic reading comprehension! Yes I was wronged significantly. After losing two kids during pregnancy, the last resulting in her being rushed in for emergency surgery and spending 4 weeks in ITU. To find out on the week of our daughter’s birthday she was pregnant (and had an abortion booked for the day before said birthdays) I’m a little less forgiving now.
I’d done the flashman approach years earlier with her, worked out great
. For the (third?) time, I did not recommend taking her back. Try. Reading. Properly.We had a bloke in our NCT leave his wife 6 weeks after the baby's birth for a woman who he'd been having an affair with at work.
He came back a year later. She didn't take him back. Some things cannot be forgiven, I think.
Edited by Harry Flashman on Monday 1st January 18:41
QJumper said:
TwigtheWonderkid said:
Everyone does some things wrong in a relationship.
That's very true, and it's how you handle it that matters.Perhaps the OP did things wrong in being neglecftul, but the correct response is to raise that, so that he has the opportunity to address it. A poor response is to just cheat, made all the poorer by not taking full responsibility for it, and blaming it on the OPs neglect.
Good to read you have already done your homework on the house, as it comes as a shock to most.
You still have a roof over your head for some time regardless and a way of paying the mortgage in the interim, which is the main thing now.
She cannot turf you out, but equally neither can you do the same to her, with no kids on the scene there is no reason for her to try to get a non mol, which is the usual trick when they are part of the equation, and the exes want you to simply be ancient history in their new fun life.
You still have a roof over your head for some time regardless and a way of paying the mortgage in the interim, which is the main thing now.
She cannot turf you out, but equally neither can you do the same to her, with no kids on the scene there is no reason for her to try to get a non mol, which is the usual trick when they are part of the equation, and the exes want you to simply be ancient history in their new fun life.
romeogolf said:
Honestly thank you all for the replies. Weirdly more than any sense of loss of the relationship it's the overwhelming sense of approaching loneliness which seems to be getting to me.
No Christmas presents - We've never been a gift-giving type couple, more of a "buy something which they'll like when we see it" rather than birthday/xmas type thing.
Yes, gay couple. Not married, no plans for it. Many friends would jokingly ask if/when we'd do it and I'd always joke "when he asks me", to which he'd joke about being too unromantic to ever do that.
Emotions keep swinging back and forth between the loss of what we had, the years of memories now to be consigned to the "once upon a time", and the logistics of the future. Weirdly things like "who's going to keep the nice sauce pans?" and "is it fair that he's moved into the guest room and not me?" are in my mind more than anything else. I expect it's shock and I'll get more upset/crying type emotions as things settle. Only briefly had tears yesterday evening post-bombshell when walking to friends who live down the road just for the company. Again fear of being alone/that they'll choose him over me type stuff.
Anyone else found their thoughts different to what they'd expect like that? Really thought if/when this happened it would be lots of crying and heartbreak, but despite loving him deeply they're all fears and anxieties over the "other" stuff right now. Almost makes me feel cold and guilty.
How are you doing bud? your predicament has been a bit overshadowed.......vent awayNo Christmas presents - We've never been a gift-giving type couple, more of a "buy something which they'll like when we see it" rather than birthday/xmas type thing.
Yes, gay couple. Not married, no plans for it. Many friends would jokingly ask if/when we'd do it and I'd always joke "when he asks me", to which he'd joke about being too unromantic to ever do that.
Emotions keep swinging back and forth between the loss of what we had, the years of memories now to be consigned to the "once upon a time", and the logistics of the future. Weirdly things like "who's going to keep the nice sauce pans?" and "is it fair that he's moved into the guest room and not me?" are in my mind more than anything else. I expect it's shock and I'll get more upset/crying type emotions as things settle. Only briefly had tears yesterday evening post-bombshell when walking to friends who live down the road just for the company. Again fear of being alone/that they'll choose him over me type stuff.
Anyone else found their thoughts different to what they'd expect like that? Really thought if/when this happened it would be lots of crying and heartbreak, but despite loving him deeply they're all fears and anxieties over the "other" stuff right now. Almost makes me feel cold and guilty.
romeogolf said:
Honestly thank you all for the replies. Weirdly more than any sense of loss of the relationship it's the overwhelming sense of approaching loneliness which seems to be getting to me.
No Christmas presents - We've never been a gift-giving type couple, more of a "buy something which they'll like when we see it" rather than birthday/xmas type thing.
Yes, gay couple. Not married, no plans for it. Many friends would jokingly ask if/when we'd do it and I'd always joke "when he asks me", to which he'd joke about being too unromantic to ever do that.
Emotions keep swinging back and forth between the loss of what we had, the years of memories now to be consigned to the "once upon a time", and the logistics of the future. Weirdly things like "who's going to keep the nice sauce pans?" and "is it fair that he's moved into the guest room and not me?" are in my mind more than anything else. I expect it's shock and I'll get more upset/crying type emotions as things settle. Only briefly had tears yesterday evening post-bombshell when walking to friends who live down the road just for the company. Again fear of being alone/that they'll choose him over me type stuff.
Anyone else found their thoughts different to what they'd expect like that? Really thought if/when this happened it would be lots of crying and heartbreak, but despite loving him deeply they're all fears and anxieties over the "other" stuff right now. Almost makes me feel cold and guilty.
The rollercoaster ride is only to be expected. The lows get less low, and the highs more persistent, over time as things level out. The flip can occur without warning or obvious reason, and will relate to him (or her), the relationship, or practicalities, both are normal. It's not you being cold.No Christmas presents - We've never been a gift-giving type couple, more of a "buy something which they'll like when we see it" rather than birthday/xmas type thing.
Yes, gay couple. Not married, no plans for it. Many friends would jokingly ask if/when we'd do it and I'd always joke "when he asks me", to which he'd joke about being too unromantic to ever do that.
Emotions keep swinging back and forth between the loss of what we had, the years of memories now to be consigned to the "once upon a time", and the logistics of the future. Weirdly things like "who's going to keep the nice sauce pans?" and "is it fair that he's moved into the guest room and not me?" are in my mind more than anything else. I expect it's shock and I'll get more upset/crying type emotions as things settle. Only briefly had tears yesterday evening post-bombshell when walking to friends who live down the road just for the company. Again fear of being alone/that they'll choose him over me type stuff.
Anyone else found their thoughts different to what they'd expect like that? Really thought if/when this happened it would be lots of crying and heartbreak, but despite loving him deeply they're all fears and anxieties over the "other" stuff right now. Almost makes me feel cold and guilty.
Loneliness won't necessarily do an overtake. Being alone/single and being lonely are different. At some point, having time and space to do things not done for some time can be surprisingly agreeable. Friends, neighbours, social media inc PH are still there, and there's no particular reason for one half of a former relationship to be 'deselected', some of those around you may well have been through it themselves and 'know the feeling'. At other times, something as banal as keeping a radio on, or keeping busy with chores and then finding some more (therapeutic, certainly for me) can help.
Shift happens. How about some new clothes, new toy(s), within reason but they're entirely reasonable anyway. Such are some of the ways to remain positive about yourself, to promote positive thoughts while riding the rollercoaster. Above all, take it as easy on yourself as you possibly can.
Do you earn enough to be able to take on the mortgage in your name only? If not then I suspect the idea of buying her out is a non starter and the only option will be to sell.
I don't think the mortgage company will allow for her to be still named on the mortgage yet not have her name on the deeds. Also if she is still named on the mortgage for the marital home she will find it impossible to get another mortgage in future which is another issue waiting to bite you in future.
As for the not being able to eat or sleep, this is 100% normal in situations like this. Your body is in full fight or flight mode at the moment. My advice is to try and eat and try not to stay awake all night replaying the situation in your head wondering what you could have done differently. Easier said than done I know, but it will get better with time.
One day you will wake up and realise it is all going to be OK. Eventually you will realise you are better off without her, and finally looking back, wonder what you were so worried about.
I don't think the mortgage company will allow for her to be still named on the mortgage yet not have her name on the deeds. Also if she is still named on the mortgage for the marital home she will find it impossible to get another mortgage in future which is another issue waiting to bite you in future.
As for the not being able to eat or sleep, this is 100% normal in situations like this. Your body is in full fight or flight mode at the moment. My advice is to try and eat and try not to stay awake all night replaying the situation in your head wondering what you could have done differently. Easier said than done I know, but it will get better with time.
One day you will wake up and realise it is all going to be OK. Eventually you will realise you are better off without her, and finally looking back, wonder what you were so worried about.
Darkslider said:
I'll be ridiculed for this but I think she's realised what a huge mistake she's made, and I think her remorse at how much she's hurt me is genuine enough to keep her promise when it comes to this. And if I'm wrong and it turns out her mind changes before I can raise the money quick enough, well then I'm no worse off than I am at this moment in time when my only option was to sell the house anyway.
I think I know what I need to do now, just get through this initial super-grief period until I can function somewhat normally again, and then I need to pull out all the stops to raise enough cash to save my home.
It will either work out or it won't, either way I'll get through it.
Thanks again for all your support.
Remorseful when caught out but not so much when the wool was pulled over your eyes… don’t forget that.I think I know what I need to do now, just get through this initial super-grief period until I can function somewhat normally again, and then I need to pull out all the stops to raise enough cash to save my home.
It will either work out or it won't, either way I'll get through it.
Thanks again for all your support.
Good luck. Nobody deserves ridicule for contemplating as you are.
One thing I will advocate for is going to the docs and getting help. Meds can help even for a brief period.
I had it happen to me and was so angry and mind fogged I couldn't think straight. Went to the docs, did mild anti depressants, a few counselling sessions and helped me think clearly and make smart decisions i.e easily able to tell her to f
k off when she wanted back.
Best thing I did.
I had it happen to me and was so angry and mind fogged I couldn't think straight. Went to the docs, did mild anti depressants, a few counselling sessions and helped me think clearly and make smart decisions i.e easily able to tell her to f
k off when she wanted back.Best thing I did.
Darkslider said:
I get that maybe you were wronged in the past and to your mind there's some terrible advice being given by some of the guys in here who have perhaps been able to forgive and forget, when you couldn't. . But this thread is full of people that have had their hearts broken one way or another, and personal insults just aren't helpful. On my level I'm feeling exceptionally fragile right now, I've taken the tough decision to get rid of her as per your camps advice, and this thread is one of very few life lines I'm clinging on to for support. I just don't want to see people arguing over my situation it's not helping me.
I had a terrible night last night, I've only been eating a slice of toast a day because I'm so sick, and I've had about 4 hours sleep in 4 days. Once my mate left at around 1am I was on my own, and tried to sleep but despite my entire body feeling fatigued I just can't switch my brain off.
I told her soon after that I'd looked through the phone and that it had cemented my decision that I couldn't take her back. To her credit, we had a chat about what happens now and I said I didn't want to lose my home as well in all this, but that I can't afford to buy her out as the house has probably increased in value by £25-30k since we bought it 4 years ago.
She's agreed to just take her half of the deposit and half of the capital that we've paid off so far to buy her out, which amounts to something like £8k rather than £15-20k. I'm probably going to need a further £9k to make up the shortfall in what the bank would re mortgage for just myself alone, but I'm hoping if I sell off a few vehicles and maybe the mini digger I bought for landscaping the garden I can raise that much before too long.
Any advice on the above if we have any mortgage experts in the house would be appreciated, I can't imagine it's a very common situation for one party to accept a lesser figure than they were entitled to, so I don't know how the bank will view it. Will they even let her sign it over to me just like that? You'd assume they would have anti coercion practices etc that they have to adhere to? I don't know I'm just thinking out loud here it's probably going to be months before I can raise that kind of cash anyway.
mortgage lenders aren't too concerned about the actual breakdown of the figures for this type of split. Their only concern is that you are able to afford the new mortgage (however much that ends up at) on your own income. I had a terrible night last night, I've only been eating a slice of toast a day because I'm so sick, and I've had about 4 hours sleep in 4 days. Once my mate left at around 1am I was on my own, and tried to sleep but despite my entire body feeling fatigued I just can't switch my brain off.
I told her soon after that I'd looked through the phone and that it had cemented my decision that I couldn't take her back. To her credit, we had a chat about what happens now and I said I didn't want to lose my home as well in all this, but that I can't afford to buy her out as the house has probably increased in value by £25-30k since we bought it 4 years ago.
She's agreed to just take her half of the deposit and half of the capital that we've paid off so far to buy her out, which amounts to something like £8k rather than £15-20k. I'm probably going to need a further £9k to make up the shortfall in what the bank would re mortgage for just myself alone, but I'm hoping if I sell off a few vehicles and maybe the mini digger I bought for landscaping the garden I can raise that much before too long.
Any advice on the above if we have any mortgage experts in the house would be appreciated, I can't imagine it's a very common situation for one party to accept a lesser figure than they were entitled to, so I don't know how the bank will view it. Will they even let her sign it over to me just like that? You'd assume they would have anti coercion practices etc that they have to adhere to? I don't know I'm just thinking out loud here it's probably going to be months before I can raise that kind of cash anyway.
It seems a nice gesture from her at this stage but when the dust settles I'd not be surprised if she takes advice and asks for her correct share. Try and get that sorted and keep things as amicable as possible; the more you pish her off the less likely that offer will hold.
romeogolf said:
Honestly thank you all for the replies. Weirdly more than any sense of loss of the relationship it's the overwhelming sense of approaching loneliness which seems to be getting to me.
Anyone else found their thoughts different to what they'd expect like that? Really thought if/when this happened it would be lots of crying and heartbreak, but despite loving him deeply they're all fears and anxieties over the "other" stuff right now. Almost makes me feel cold and guilty.
hope you got through the Xmas period ok. Can be a negative period for some at the best of times but dealing with that news can make it worse with time on your hands.Anyone else found their thoughts different to what they'd expect like that? Really thought if/when this happened it would be lots of crying and heartbreak, but despite loving him deeply they're all fears and anxieties over the "other" stuff right now. Almost makes me feel cold and guilty.
hopefully you've found some of the friend circle that you can talk to or at lest spend some time with. Trying to keep active was one of the main things for me whilst all of the rest of the fallout occurred.
there is no 'right' way for the emotions to react and it can be very weird, making you question yourself. But we really aren't wired to be able to process this stuff in any particular way and try not to judge yourself if you feel that you should be reacting differently
Harry Flashman said:
bhstewie said:
hstewie said: Do you chaps talk like this in real life?
Wimp simp alpha beta cuckold what the hell do you lot watch or read that makes you speak like that
Exactly. It's the language of men who have never actually had any real experience with a partner. It's the language of those self help books for weak-minded men who have trouble relating. It's the language that Andrew Tate and his pathetic ilk use to prey on such men and turn them into unreconstructed cavemen. It's the language of misogynistic, incel idiots.Wimp simp alpha beta cuckold what the hell do you lot watch or read that makes you speak like that
Edited by Harry Flashman on Monday 1st January 11:44
Just accept that things are different to when you guys were young, being judgemental hypocrites is not a good look.
vetrof said:
Harry Flashman said:
bhstewie said:
hstewie said: Do you chaps talk like this in real life?
Wimp simp alpha beta cuckold what the hell do you lot watch or read that makes you speak like that
Exactly. It's the language of men who have never actually had any real experience with a partner. It's the language of those self help books for weak-minded men who have trouble relating. It's the language that Andrew Tate and his pathetic ilk use to prey on such men and turn them into unreconstructed cavemen. It's the language of misogynistic, incel idiots.Wimp simp alpha beta cuckold what the hell do you lot watch or read that makes you speak like that
Edited by Harry Flashman on Monday 1st January 11:44
Just accept that things are different to when you guys were young, being judgemental hypocrites is not a good look.
Gassing Station | The Lounge | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff