Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 8)
Discussion
Police have arrested a woman for stealing a sign reading;
"& Emergency".
She claimed she found it by Accident
There was this little 9 year old blind kid, and one day he said to his mom, "Mom, All I've ever wanted was to see."
His mom said, "Well son it's your lucky day, today is the last day of March, and if you pray your hardest, your prayers will be answered."
So the little boy goes to bed 2 hours early and starts praying himself to sleep. He wakes up half way through the night and realizes that the night isn't over, so he prays another hour before he falls asleep again. He finally wakes up the next morning and yells, "Mom, Mom, get in here fast!"
His mom comes running in and says, "What is it son?"
The boy says, "Mom I did just what you said I prayed and prayed harder than anyone else ever has, but I woke up this morning and I'm still blind!"
And his mom says.......
"April Fools!!"
What's a foot long, made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A shoe.
Two guys get pulled over while drinking and driving.
The driver tells his friend, "Peel the labels off these beer bottles, and we'll each stick one on our forehead. Now, shove all of the bottles under the front seat. Just let me do all the talking."
The cop walks up and shines his flashlight into the car. "Have you been drinking?" he asks.
"No, sir," the drunk answers. "We haven't had a thing to drink tonight."
"Then what on earth are those beer labels doing on your foreheads?"
"We're both alcoholics," says the drunk. "We're on the patch."
As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”
Apparently, I’m still lost…
A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!"
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.
She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
Two men debate whether Hawaii is pronounced "HaVaii" or "HaWaii."
They ask a passerby, who answers "Havaii."
"Thank you," says the satisfied first man.
"You're velcome," replies the passerby.
Indian Cricket team are suffering from Ebatsman disease,.............
Its sort of like Ebowla, it knocks you off your wicket!
Well, I don't know! They say "it's good to Talk"....
But all the people I've rung up so far seem quite unfriendly and I have nearly 4 million on this list to ring up and Talk Talk to.....
A programmer's wife is giving birth. As soon as the baby is out the doctor hands it to the father. The mother asks "Is it a boy or a girl?" - he answers "yes".
When they get home, she asks him to go to the shop and get a loaf of bread. She adds "If they have eggs, get a dozen". He comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
Eventually they've used up all the bread so once again she asks him to go and get a loaf. She's more careful this time, though: "Just get one loaf of bread! And while you're there, pick up some eggs."
He was never seen again.
"& Emergency".
She claimed she found it by Accident
There was this little 9 year old blind kid, and one day he said to his mom, "Mom, All I've ever wanted was to see."
His mom said, "Well son it's your lucky day, today is the last day of March, and if you pray your hardest, your prayers will be answered."
So the little boy goes to bed 2 hours early and starts praying himself to sleep. He wakes up half way through the night and realizes that the night isn't over, so he prays another hour before he falls asleep again. He finally wakes up the next morning and yells, "Mom, Mom, get in here fast!"
His mom comes running in and says, "What is it son?"
The boy says, "Mom I did just what you said I prayed and prayed harder than anyone else ever has, but I woke up this morning and I'm still blind!"
And his mom says.......
"April Fools!!"
What's a foot long, made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A shoe.
Two guys get pulled over while drinking and driving.
The driver tells his friend, "Peel the labels off these beer bottles, and we'll each stick one on our forehead. Now, shove all of the bottles under the front seat. Just let me do all the talking."
The cop walks up and shines his flashlight into the car. "Have you been drinking?" he asks.
"No, sir," the drunk answers. "We haven't had a thing to drink tonight."
"Then what on earth are those beer labels doing on your foreheads?"
"We're both alcoholics," says the drunk. "We're on the patch."
As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”
Apparently, I’m still lost…
A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!"
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.
She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
Two men debate whether Hawaii is pronounced "HaVaii" or "HaWaii."
They ask a passerby, who answers "Havaii."
"Thank you," says the satisfied first man.
"You're velcome," replies the passerby.
Indian Cricket team are suffering from Ebatsman disease,.............
Its sort of like Ebowla, it knocks you off your wicket!
Well, I don't know! They say "it's good to Talk"....
But all the people I've rung up so far seem quite unfriendly and I have nearly 4 million on this list to ring up and Talk Talk to.....
A programmer's wife is giving birth. As soon as the baby is out the doctor hands it to the father. The mother asks "Is it a boy or a girl?" - he answers "yes".
When they get home, she asks him to go to the shop and get a loaf of bread. She adds "If they have eggs, get a dozen". He comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
Eventually they've used up all the bread so once again she asks him to go and get a loaf. She's more careful this time, though: "Just get one loaf of bread! And while you're there, pick up some eggs."
He was never seen again.
Doofus said:
People said It would never be funny to tell Mary's Litte Lamb, or Somebody's Daughter jokes.
Well, they're not laughing now.
Mary had a little lamb,Well, they're not laughing now.
some thought it was her daughter.
Because that wicked Mary did,
something she shouldn'ta oughta.
Kittens on the left, please take one.
Edited by davhill on Sunday 4th June 05:36
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