Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 8)
Discussion
I booked an appointment with my GP.
"Come in, sit down," He said, "What's the trouble?"
"Well, look at those curtains," I said, "This carpet clashes terribly and just look at the muck on that stethoscope."
He replied instantly. "You're in a critical condition."
"Come in, sit down," He said, "What's the trouble?"
"Well, look at those curtains," I said, "This carpet clashes terribly and just look at the muck on that stethoscope."
He replied instantly. "You're in a critical condition."
Edited by davhill on Monday 5th June 23:17
glenrobbo said:
It's wonderful to be taken back in time to revisit all those jokes again.
Meanwhile, I wonder how Mary's little lamb is doing?
It should be almost done by now, l'll put the new potatoes on...
Mary cooked a little lambMeanwhile, I wonder how Mary's little lamb is doing?
It should be almost done by now, l'll put the new potatoes on...
along with the potatoes
solider come, rape Mary
take potato
is sad
Moral for the week......
The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
"May I help you sir?" she asked.
"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam.
"No, I must see Valerie," he replied.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, as she was so expensive. There were no discounts. The price was still £5000.
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"
The man replied, " Edinburgh .."
"Really", she said. "I have family in Edinburgh .."
"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I'm her solicitor. I was instructed to deliver your £15,000 inheritance in person ..............."
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain ...................
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
"May I help you sir?" she asked.
"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam.
"No, I must see Valerie," he replied.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, as she was so expensive. There were no discounts. The price was still £5000.
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"
The man replied, " Edinburgh .."
"Really", she said. "I have family in Edinburgh .."
"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I'm her solicitor. I was instructed to deliver your £15,000 inheritance in person ..............."
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain ...................
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course.
Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.
She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”
He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request. She said, “I’m on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole.”
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.
He finished his round and went to the clubhouse, where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.
The bartender said that she was a saleswoman and played the course often.
He approached her and said, “Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I’m in sales, also. What do you sell?”
She replied, “If I tell you, you’ll laugh.”
“No, I won’t.”
“Well, if you must know,” she answered, “I work for Tampax.”
With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.
She said, “See? I knew you would laugh.”
“That’s not what I’m laughing at,” he replied. “I’m a salesman for Preparation H. So I’m still a hole behind you!”
Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.
She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”
He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request. She said, “I’m on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole.”
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.
He finished his round and went to the clubhouse, where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.
The bartender said that she was a saleswoman and played the course often.
He approached her and said, “Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I’m in sales, also. What do you sell?”
She replied, “If I tell you, you’ll laugh.”
“No, I won’t.”
“Well, if you must know,” she answered, “I work for Tampax.”
With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.
She said, “See? I knew you would laugh.”
“That’s not what I’m laughing at,” he replied. “I’m a salesman for Preparation H. So I’m still a hole behind you!”
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