Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 8)

[Vipers]

Fluffsri said:

MartG said:

Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.

brilliant

And we have numbers, not enough to warrant bar codes

[MartG]

I've found a chip shop that serves its fish on photocopier paper.

It's a little plaice on the A4.

[mickk]

MartG said:

I've found a chip shop that serves its fish on photocopier paper.

It's a little plaice on the A4.

Been to that one, open every day barramundi

[glenrobbo]

mickk said:

MartG said:

I've found a chip shop that serves its fish on photocopier paper.

It's a little plaice on the A4.

Been to that one, open every day barramundi

Very clever, pla kapong!

[WilliamWoollard]

My dwarf girlfriend has been a bit down recently because people keep remarking on her size.
So to cheer her up when she gets home from work, I've got her flowers, chocolates, wine and I'm going to run her a nice hot sink.

[Laurel Green]

It's nice to splash out on the girlfriend occasionally.

[PoleDriver]

mickk said:

MartG said:

I've found a chip shop that serves its fish on photocopier paper.

It's a little plaice on the A4.

Been to that one, open every day barramundi

He's a liar and I'm not sure about you!

[MartG]

[Wacky Racer]

grumpy52 said:

I slipped my finger in her hole and soon it was wet .
I pulled my finger out and she started going down on me straight away.











I really need a new boat .

[B.J.W]

Two tramps sat on park bench enjoying a can of strong lager and each others' company.

"Where did you get to last night Fred?"

"You'll never believe me if I told you", Fred replied

"Go on, try me"

"Well, I took a walk along the train tracks and I came across a beautiful woman. She'd been tied to the tracks and couldn't move. I heard a train approaching in the distance, so I ran down to her, untied her as quickly as I could and carried her off into an adjacent field. To say she was grateful was an understatement. We had sex in every conceivable position. It was fantastic!"

"Bloody hell, Fred. You are a lucky bugger. Did she give you a blow job as well?"

"Nope", Fred answered.

"How come?"

Fred took a long swig from his can of lager.....

"I couldn't find her head"

[schmunk]

B.J.W said:

To say she was grateful was an understatement.

B.J.W said:

"I couldn't find her head"

[glenrobbo]

schmunk said:

Why is that poor kitten stuck to the corner of the wall?

[schmunk]

glenrobbo said:

Why is that poor kitten stuck to the corner of the wall?

It's awaiting its dissection...

[glenrobbo]

schmunk said:

glenrobbo said:

Why is that poor kitten stuck to the corner of the wall?

It's awaiting its dissection...

Fair enough.
Before you dissect it, could you please rotate the picture to the correct orientation so that the socket is the right way up?

[Usget]

schmunk said:

B.J.W said:

To say she was grateful was an understatement.

B.J.W said:

"I couldn't find her head"

Never heard of the grateful dead?

[MartG]

What lies on the ground 100 feet up in the air ?

A dead centipede

[Monkeylegend]

MartG said:

What lies on the ground 100 feet up in the air ?

A dead centipede

I think you will find that they have odd nos of pairs legs so no centipede has 100 legs, in fact they have from 30 to 354 and either 98 or 102 legs but not 100

I had to google that

[Vipers]

Monkeylegend said:

MartG said:

What lies on the ground 100 feet up in the air ?

A dead centipede

I think you will find that they have odd nos of pairs legs so no centipede has 100 legs, in fact they have from 30 to 354 and either 98 or 102 legs but not 100

I had to google that

That one was probably tied on the track next to woman that Fred found

[MartG]

Monkeylegend said:

MartG said:

What lies on the ground 100 feet up in the air ?

A dead centipede

I think you will find that they have odd nos of pairs legs so no centipede has 100 legs, in fact they have from 30 to 354 and either 98 or 102 legs but not 100

I had to google that

You go to extraordinary lengths to kill kittens

[Monkeylegend]

MartG said:

Monkeylegend said:

MartG said:

What lies on the ground 100 feet up in the air ?

A dead centipede

I think you will find that they have odd nos of pairs legs so no centipede has 100 legs, in fact they have from 30 to 354 and either 98 or 102 legs but not 100

I had to google that

You go to extraordinary lengths to kill kittens

Nope, 10 secs to type in google and centipedes and it's before your very eyes.

Takes you a lot longer to find your jokes I suspect

You also assume they die lying on their backs which might not be the case