Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 8)
Discussion
Vipers said:
Monkeylegend said:
MartG said:
What lies on the ground 100 feet up in the air ?
A dead centipede
I think you will find that they have odd nos of pairs legs so no centipede has 100 legs, in fact they have from 30 to 354 and either 98 or 102 legs but not 100 A dead centipede
I had to google that
Reflections on Age
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds.
People get out of the way much faster now.
Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers.
Now they drink like their fathers.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone?
That's common sense leaving your body.
I decided to stop calling the loo the 'bog' and renamed it the 'Jim'.
I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
Old age is coming at a really bad time.
When I was a child I thought 'Nap Time' was a punishment.
Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small holiday.
The biggest lie I tell myself is...
"I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
I don't have grey hair; I have "wisdom highlights." I'm very wise.
I didn't make it to the gym today.
That makes five years in a row.
If God had wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees.
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.
Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?
Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice.
At my age 'Getting lucky' means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds.
People get out of the way much faster now.
Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers.
Now they drink like their fathers.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone?
That's common sense leaving your body.
I decided to stop calling the loo the 'bog' and renamed it the 'Jim'.
I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
Old age is coming at a really bad time.
When I was a child I thought 'Nap Time' was a punishment.
Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small holiday.
The biggest lie I tell myself is...
"I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
I don't have grey hair; I have "wisdom highlights." I'm very wise.
I didn't make it to the gym today.
That makes five years in a row.
If God had wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees.
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.
Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?
Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice.
At my age 'Getting lucky' means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre. Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we really didn't want to leave them unchaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again.
Because I didn't want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, I explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother. A few minutes later he got into the cab all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away.
"Sorry it took so long but the stupid b
h was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her arse with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn't scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat arse down the stairs and threw her into the backyard....she had better not st in the vegetable garden again."
The silence in the taxi was deafening.....
Because I didn't want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, I explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother. A few minutes later he got into the cab all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away.
"Sorry it took so long but the stupid b
h was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her arse with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn't scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat arse down the stairs and threw her into the backyard....she had better not st in the vegetable garden again." The silence in the taxi was deafening.....
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