Any other expectant Dads?
Discussion
fiatpower said:
Really sorry to hear that news, terrible thing to go through. I went through similar 8 weeks ago although my wife was at 12 weeks and not 20.
We basically kept ourselves to ourselves for a week to help us process what had happened before we saw friends and family. I went back to work after a week but that helped me as it turned out a couple in the office had been through the same so was good to chat about it.
Went through it about 18 months ago at about 8 weeks and that was bad enough. Don't want to imagine going to the 20 weeks (2 weeks ago) and seeing the heart beat but knowing it's not too be. We basically kept ourselves to ourselves for a week to help us process what had happened before we saw friends and family. I went back to work after a week but that helped me as it turned out a couple in the office had been through the same so was good to chat about it.
Yep. It's a toughy.
We had two scans today. First one with the sonographer who didn't put the screen on for obvious reasons. We kinda felt it wasnt going to be all peachy since the trip to A&E on Tuesday night but everyone lives in hope
Then later on with the specialist consultant who asked us if we wanted to see the screen and he could talk is through what was happening. We did.
Everyone knows what a typical baby scan looks like.
As soon as the screen was on it was clear all was not well in the world.
When there's no fluid there's no dark/black background. Like at all. It's so hard to see what's going on. The doc did a good job of showing us everything he could make out. Essentially it looked like baby was all pretty perfect. He could make out the stomach, kidneys, heart was ticking away nicely, bone structure all there.
The elephant in the room was the lack of any fluid surrounding the baby.
At 20wks the chance of a miscarriage is pretty small. Less than 1% I think. At 24wks theres a chance of survival but that's very premature. We're sort of in that no man's land where theres no hope no matter what happens.
We had two scans today. First one with the sonographer who didn't put the screen on for obvious reasons. We kinda felt it wasnt going to be all peachy since the trip to A&E on Tuesday night but everyone lives in hope
Then later on with the specialist consultant who asked us if we wanted to see the screen and he could talk is through what was happening. We did.
Everyone knows what a typical baby scan looks like.
As soon as the screen was on it was clear all was not well in the world.
When there's no fluid there's no dark/black background. Like at all. It's so hard to see what's going on. The doc did a good job of showing us everything he could make out. Essentially it looked like baby was all pretty perfect. He could make out the stomach, kidneys, heart was ticking away nicely, bone structure all there.
The elephant in the room was the lack of any fluid surrounding the baby.
At 20wks the chance of a miscarriage is pretty small. Less than 1% I think. At 24wks theres a chance of survival but that's very premature. We're sort of in that no man's land where theres no hope no matter what happens.
Ambleton said:
Yep. It's a toughy.
We had two scans today. First one with the sonographer who didn't put the screen on for obvious reasons. We kinda felt it wasnt going to be all peachy since the trip to A&E on Tuesday night but everyone lives in hope
Then later on with the specialist consultant who asked us if we wanted to see the screen and he could talk is through what was happening. We did.
Everyone knows what a typical baby scan looks like.
As soon as the screen was on it was clear all was not well in the world.
When there's no fluid there's no dark/black background. Like at all. It's so hard to see what's going on. The doc did a good job of showing us everything he could make out. Essentially it looked like baby was all pretty perfect. He could make out the stomach, kidneys, heart was ticking away nicely, bone structure all there.
The elephant in the room was the lack of any fluid surrounding the baby.
At 20wks the chance of a miscarriage is pretty small. Less than 1% I think. At 24wks theres a chance of survival but that's very premature. We're sort of in that no man's land where theres no hope no matter what happens.
Nothing to say sorry but can only offer a virtual (manly hug).We had two scans today. First one with the sonographer who didn't put the screen on for obvious reasons. We kinda felt it wasnt going to be all peachy since the trip to A&E on Tuesday night but everyone lives in hope
Then later on with the specialist consultant who asked us if we wanted to see the screen and he could talk is through what was happening. We did.
Everyone knows what a typical baby scan looks like.
As soon as the screen was on it was clear all was not well in the world.
When there's no fluid there's no dark/black background. Like at all. It's so hard to see what's going on. The doc did a good job of showing us everything he could make out. Essentially it looked like baby was all pretty perfect. He could make out the stomach, kidneys, heart was ticking away nicely, bone structure all there.
The elephant in the room was the lack of any fluid surrounding the baby.
At 20wks the chance of a miscarriage is pretty small. Less than 1% I think. At 24wks theres a chance of survival but that's very premature. We're sort of in that no man's land where theres no hope no matter what happens.
Thanks for all the love. I think we're just going to take a gentle drive around the countryside today as a bit of a refresh. Phones off.
Can't be in the house being upset all day, we did that yesterday and it's exhausting. I can't stare at the same walls anymore, but we can't really do anything else either.
Messaging family and friends, people saying sorry, people giving pearls of wisdom, people wanting to pile in to "help", other people saying "I've been on Google that they said".... Sometimes it's just not helpful.
Can't be in the house being upset all day, we did that yesterday and it's exhausting. I can't stare at the same walls anymore, but we can't really do anything else either.
Messaging family and friends, people saying sorry, people giving pearls of wisdom, people wanting to pile in to "help", other people saying "I've been on Google that they said".... Sometimes it's just not helpful.
Wishing you all the best.Ambleton I’ve just come on here to vent / post something extremely similar to you. I’m sorry you’re going through this it feels like a cruel world indeed sometimes.
Wife had some bleeds early in January and then a lot of discharge at 18 weeks so much she thought she had miscarried. After going to hospital they told us it’s just thrush.
In hindsight they should have scanned then.
Had our 20 week scan Wednesday and they were very sheepish, told us baby’s right leg was getting slightly bent due to lack of space and low / almost no amniotic fluid, just a tiny pocket next to the head.
Referred us to UCL yesterday and wasn’t good news.
2 options, and keeping baby is going to be extremely risky for mother and baby, I think a 16% chance of baby making it out of hospital with no major issues they are telling us - based on a study of 102 babies.
20 weeks ish is the period of lung development and basically telling us if we carry on there is no way to know if baby can breathe once it’s born.
We’ve been yo yo up and down toiling over it all and our brains are fried.
We’re very blessed to already have an 18 month old son already and to be honest the glue for our life right now.
UCL are checking in Tuesday with us to see our thoughts and we haven’t a clue what to do.
Wife had some bleeds early in January and then a lot of discharge at 18 weeks so much she thought she had miscarried. After going to hospital they told us it’s just thrush.
In hindsight they should have scanned then.
Had our 20 week scan Wednesday and they were very sheepish, told us baby’s right leg was getting slightly bent due to lack of space and low / almost no amniotic fluid, just a tiny pocket next to the head.
Referred us to UCL yesterday and wasn’t good news.
2 options, and keeping baby is going to be extremely risky for mother and baby, I think a 16% chance of baby making it out of hospital with no major issues they are telling us - based on a study of 102 babies.
20 weeks ish is the period of lung development and basically telling us if we carry on there is no way to know if baby can breathe once it’s born.
We’ve been yo yo up and down toiling over it all and our brains are fried.
We’re very blessed to already have an 18 month old son already and to be honest the glue for our life right now.
UCL are checking in Tuesday with us to see our thoughts and we haven’t a clue what to do.
Edited by six port on Saturday 1st April 20:17
Very sorry to hear, more man hugs from a random internet stranger.
You’re not alone - we had two last year (7 and 12 weeks), it’s awful and not talked about - but much more common than people realise. especially when you start to talk about it with others. Tough gig as the guy in this situation too as you have to keep everyone else together!
Our best wishes to you in difficult times, sounds like you’re doing the right things to take a break, and process.
A note for later - please do reach out to discuss if any of our miscarriage treatment (not ivf, in our case) experience is relevant or could be of assistance - many many hours of research, consultants and thousands spent on miscarriage clinics and associated harley st specialists. Knowledge i hope to never ever need again.
You’re not alone - we had two last year (7 and 12 weeks), it’s awful and not talked about - but much more common than people realise. especially when you start to talk about it with others. Tough gig as the guy in this situation too as you have to keep everyone else together!
Our best wishes to you in difficult times, sounds like you’re doing the right things to take a break, and process.
A note for later - please do reach out to discuss if any of our miscarriage treatment (not ivf, in our case) experience is relevant or could be of assistance - many many hours of research, consultants and thousands spent on miscarriage clinics and associated harley st specialists. Knowledge i hope to never ever need again.
I'm so sorry to hear that Six Port. It's just s
te isn't it. Proper ste. It's so hard to know what to do. All roads lead to pain and anguish.
Fluid loss seems so unpredictable. My other half is still losing fluids/blood and it's got to the point where going to the loo is just an awful experience.
For us, our primary concern now is on the wellbeing of my wife. We've sort of come to terms that we're losing one little life, there's no way we can put ANY risk on my wife too. I cant even contemplate the prospect of losing her too in this whole disaster.
Every time my wife goes to sleep she forgets, then wakes up and remembers and goes through it all again. It's just horrendous and I imagine it'll go on for a few weeks yet.
Because there's no fluid around the baby, when it moves she can feel it more, but it hasn't really moved much in the last 24hrs or so.
10days ago she had quite a belly and she'd stand in front of the mirror like Winnie the Pooh rubbing it with a big grin on her face.
There's virtually nothing there now.
Sorry to be a Debbie Downer on this thread, it's supposed to a be a place of joy and happiness for expectant dad's.
te isn't it. Proper ste. It's so hard to know what to do. All roads lead to pain and anguish. Fluid loss seems so unpredictable. My other half is still losing fluids/blood and it's got to the point where going to the loo is just an awful experience.
For us, our primary concern now is on the wellbeing of my wife. We've sort of come to terms that we're losing one little life, there's no way we can put ANY risk on my wife too. I cant even contemplate the prospect of losing her too in this whole disaster.
Every time my wife goes to sleep she forgets, then wakes up and remembers and goes through it all again. It's just horrendous and I imagine it'll go on for a few weeks yet.
Because there's no fluid around the baby, when it moves she can feel it more, but it hasn't really moved much in the last 24hrs or so.
10days ago she had quite a belly and she'd stand in front of the mirror like Winnie the Pooh rubbing it with a big grin on her face.
There's virtually nothing there now.
Sorry to be a Debbie Downer on this thread, it's supposed to a be a place of joy and happiness for expectant dad's.
Ambleton said:
Sorry to be a Debbie Downer on this thread, it's supposed to a be a place of joy and happiness for expectant dad's.
I have nothing to say that will make any positive impact on either of you chaps. That being said, I will say that this couldn't be further from the truth. It's a place for expectant dads to share the downs as well as the ups in a neutral setting.If it's cathartic, you can be 100% sure that anything you write is read and many chaps here have your back...even if there are no replies.
The Moose said:
Ambleton said:
Sorry to be a Debbie Downer on this thread, it's supposed to a be a place of joy and happiness for expectant dad's.
I have nothing to say that will make any positive impact on either of you chaps. That being said, I will say that this couldn't be further from the truth. It's a place for expectant dads to share the downs as well as the ups in a neutral setting.If it's cathartic, you can be 100% sure that anything you write is read and many chaps here have your back...even if there are no replies.
Six port sorry to read your update too - best wishes to you both.
The Moose said:
I have nothing to say that will make any positive impact on either of you chaps. That being said, I will say that this couldn't be further from the truth. It's a place for expectant dads to share the downs as well as the ups in a neutral setting.
If it's cathartic, you can be 100% sure that anything you write is read and many chaps here have your back...even if there are no replies.
This.If it's cathartic, you can be 100% sure that anything you write is read and many chaps here have your back...even if there are no replies.
It wouldn't have helped me but my partner finds/ found 'the worst girl gang ever' to be useful in trying to deal with it.
Edited by mcdjl on Sunday 2nd April 06:43
Thanks chaps.
Tbh I'm finding it really helpful just writing it all down here. It's easier than talking because you have to concentrate when typing out what you're saying.
Also, because it's the internet, It's like opening up a door into a random void and muttering away knowing there's probably at least one other person out there that's going/gone through similar.... Turns out there rather a lot.
Which doesn't help the situation directly, does help the feeling of not being alone.
Family and friends get emotional and go off and do their own research, which is rather counter productive and not what we need right now.
Tbh I'm finding it really helpful just writing it all down here. It's easier than talking because you have to concentrate when typing out what you're saying.
Also, because it's the internet, It's like opening up a door into a random void and muttering away knowing there's probably at least one other person out there that's going/gone through similar.... Turns out there rather a lot.
Which doesn't help the situation directly, does help the feeling of not being alone.
Family and friends get emotional and go off and do their own research, which is rather counter productive and not what we need right now.
Edited by Ambleton on Sunday 2nd April 07:41
Mark83 said:
Really sorry to hear that awful news. We lost a pregnancy two years ago and it still hurts.
We held off trying again for over six months but we tried again when we were ready. We welcomed our first child into the world on Thursday night.
That's mega news. Congratulations Mark. All the best to you and your good lady!We held off trying again for over six months but we tried again when we were ready. We welcomed our first child into the world on Thursday night.
It's odd how the whole lot balances on a razors edge and can so easily go one way or the other.
Ambleton said:
Update from me. Terrible news I'm afraid.
we do have fellow members that have posted in here from time to time with devastating news like this. I know what deep and long term psychological harm can be done by letting the child pass naturally.
I would choose an abortion, assuming the risks to the mother are low.
Carl_Manchester said:
Ambleton said:
Update from me. Terrible news I'm afraid.
we do have fellow members that have posted in here from time to time with devastating news like this. I know what deep and long term psychological harm can be done by letting the child pass naturally.
I would choose an abortion, assuming the risks to the mother are low.
Just to say, really sorry to hear that news, I wouldn't know where to start. I do know that venting to a forum of seemingly strangers isn't as daft as it might seem, getting it out, in any form, can be a good starting point for processing/releasing.
I hope there's some good fortune on the horizon for you, and wishing you every strength through this tough time.
I hope there's some good fortune on the horizon for you, and wishing you every strength through this tough time.
If there's one other piece of advice from experience I can give, its that while it may feel ghoulish at the time, when doctors offer biopsies / autopsies I would take them.
At the time, we wanted nothing more than to let things be and it just sounded like another trauma, so we opted not to - however, a proper understanding of why can be very important in the long run.
We had further miscarriages down the line and not knowing exactly why we had a loss so late on was a real source of stress.
At the time, we wanted nothing more than to let things be and it just sounded like another trauma, so we opted not to - however, a proper understanding of why can be very important in the long run.
We had further miscarriages down the line and not knowing exactly why we had a loss so late on was a real source of stress.
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