Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 9)

[Vipers]

Might be a repost, can't remember where I saw it.

Friend of mine had a Christmas card and when he opened the envelope, some rice fell out.

I said "Whose that from".

He said "Uncle Ben".

[MartG]

Recent studies show that 43% of women have used vibrators.

From this we can conclude that the other 57% bought theirs new.

[Muntu]

A bloke goes to the doctor's and the doctor asks "What seems to be the problem?"

"I think I'm a goat"

"Really? And how long have you felt like that"

"Since I was a kid....."

[Ultra Sound Guy]

I’ve recently taken up wildlife photography.


I’d quite like it if a few of you could please appraise this picture of some colourful Bearded Tits taken recently in Shoreditch!

[CanAm]

I hope the one on the right had just borrowed that umbrella!

[Halmyre]

Ultra Sound Guy said:

I’ve recently taken up wildlife photography.


I’d quite like it if a few of you could please appraise this picture of some colourful Bearded Tits taken recently in Shoreditch!

ZZ Top tribute bands never really took off did they?

[A993LAD]

Looks like someone won't be driving Home For Christmas

[Evangelion]

A993LAD said:

Looks like someone won't be driving Home For Christmas

?????????????

[mybrainhurts]

Vipers said:

Might be a repost, can't remember where I saw it.

Friend of mine had a Christmas card and when he opened the envelope, some rice fell out.

I said "Whose that from".

He said "Uncle Ben".

See, see, I keep telling people we need the death penalty back....

[GloverMart]

Evangelion said:

A993LAD said:

Looks like someone won't be driving Home For Christmas

?????????????

Chris Rea collapsed on stage tonight and was rushed to hospital.

[MartG]

Evangelion said:

A993LAD said:

Looks like someone won't be driving Home For Christmas

?????????????

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2017/12/09/driving-home-christmas-star-chris-rea-collapses-stage/

[TorqueVR]

I hope he's not on the road to hell.

[Evangelion]

TorqueVR said:

I hope he's not on the road to hell.

I've heard him, he's bound to be.

[cookmysock]

What did the Swedish dog say?


Bjark!

[Vipers]

cookmysock said:

What did the Swedish dog say?


Bjark!

I suppose when they are tired they Bjorn.

[Doofus]

cookmysock said:

What did the Swedish dog say?


Bjark!

Wöof?

[MartG]

Don't you just hate that situation when you're picking up your bags at the airport, and everyone's luggage is better than yours.

A real worst case scenario.

[MartG]

Does anyone know if the Arachnophobia Helpline has a website?

[Kenty]

Word is Chris Rea has signed up to work with Max Clifford........

[Ultra Sound Guy]

When I was young the Dead Sea was only sick!