Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 11)

Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 11)

Author
Discussion

Vipers

33,091 posts

234 months

Saturday 12th February 2022
quotequote all
Jonboy_t said:
Trenchard said:
AstonZagato said:
Or a panic in a doomed submarine.
As useless as...

A chocolate teapot.
A chocolate mantlepiece.
A one-legged man in an arse-kicking contest.
A thalidomide kid in a Mexican wave.
A parachute that opens on impact.
A cordless kite.
Patio doors on a submarine.

All yours, folks...
Anne Franks drum kit
Hair net in a force nine.

Teddy Lop

8,301 posts

73 months

Saturday 12th February 2022
quotequote all
paua said:
Jonboy_t said:
Trenchard said:
AstonZagato said:
Or a panic in a doomed submarine.
As useless as...

A chocolate teapot.
A chocolate mantlepiece.
A one-legged man in an arse-kicking contest.
A thalidomide kid in a Mexican wave.
A parachute that opens on impact.
A cordless kite.
Patio doors on a submarine.

All yours, folks...
Anne Franks drum kit
Tits on a bull.
Ashtray on a motorbike.
Airtex condom.

Monkeylegend

27,123 posts

237 months

Saturday 12th February 2022
quotequote all
Teddy Lop said:
paua said:
Jonboy_t said:
Trenchard said:
AstonZagato said:
Or a panic in a doomed submarine.
As useless as...

A chocolate teapot.
A chocolate mantlepiece.
A one-legged man in an arse-kicking contest.
A thalidomide kid in a Mexican wave.
A parachute that opens on impact.
A cordless kite.
Patio doors on a submarine.

All yours, folks...
Anne Franks drum kit
Tits on a bull.
Ashtray on a motorbike.
Airtex condom.
A pun on the joke thread.

Doofus

28,179 posts

179 months

Saturday 12th February 2022
quotequote all

Speed Badger

2,923 posts

123 months

Saturday 12th February 2022
quotequote all
Monkeylegend said:
Teddy Lop said:
paua said:
Jonboy_t said:
Trenchard said:
AstonZagato said:
Or a panic in a doomed submarine.
As useless as...

A chocolate teapot.
A chocolate mantlepiece.
A one-legged man in an arse-kicking contest.
A thalidomide kid in a Mexican wave.
A parachute that opens on impact.
A cordless kite.
Patio doors on a submarine.

All yours, folks...
Anne Franks drum kit
Tits on a bull.
Ashtray on a motorbike.
Airtex condom.
A pun on the joke thread.
A two-legged cat trying to bury a turd on a frozen lake.

Doofus

28,179 posts

179 months

Saturday 12th February 2022
quotequote all
Speed Badger said:
A two-legged cat trying to bury a turd on a frozen lake.
To be fair, the number of legs would seem to be irrelevant.

anonymous-user

60 months

Saturday 12th February 2022
quotequote all
Doofus said:
Speed Badger said:
A two-legged cat trying to bury a turd on a frozen lake.
To be fair, the number of legs would seem to be irrelevant.
Also a cat isn’t an ‘object’ that’s useless, per se, it’s like saying ‘about as useless as a donkey on wet lino’ thus losing the comic edge. Unlike the Anne Frank drum kit one which was frankly so hilarious a bit of wee came out.


CourtAgain

3,770 posts

70 months

Sunday 13th February 2022
quotequote all
Speed Badger said:
Monkeylegend said:
Teddy Lop said:
paua said:
Jonboy_t said:
Trenchard said:
AstonZagato said:
Or a panic in a doomed submarine.
As useless as...

A chocolate teapot.
A chocolate mantlepiece.
A one-legged man in an arse-kicking contest.
A thalidomide kid in a Mexican wave.
A parachute that opens on impact.
A cordless kite.
Patio doors on a submarine.

All yours, folks...
Anne Franks drum kit
Tits on a bull.
Ashtray on a motorbike.
Airtex condom.
A pun on the joke thread.
A two-legged cat trying to bury a turd on a frozen lake.
Kurt Zouma volunteering at an Animal Shelter getmecoat

Jenny Tailor

1,727 posts

43 months

Sunday 13th February 2022
quotequote all
A sweating priest in a playground.

Skyedriver

18,741 posts

288 months

Sunday 13th February 2022
quotequote all
Doofus said:
after all the years, finally an explanation!

Kenty

5,082 posts

181 months

Sunday 13th February 2022
quotequote all
Last year a guy took his Blonde girl friend to the Superbowl
They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked it.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the
tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't
understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you
mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was...
'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'
I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!"

hairy v

1,295 posts

150 months

Sunday 13th February 2022
quotequote all

Speed Badger

2,923 posts

123 months

Sunday 13th February 2022
quotequote all
Why do women and children get evacuated first in a disaster?

So the men can sit and think of a solution in silence.

Skyedriver

18,741 posts

288 months

Sunday 13th February 2022
quotequote all
Kenty said:
Last year a guy took his Blonde girl friend to the Superbowl
They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked it.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the
tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't
understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you
mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was...
'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'
I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!"
Very topical

Skyedriver

18,741 posts

288 months

Sunday 13th February 2022
quotequote all
Speed Badger said:
Why do women and children get evacuated first in a disaster?

So the men can sit and think of a solution in silence.
Or have a quiet pint

Doofus

28,179 posts

179 months

Sunday 13th February 2022
quotequote all
A chicken and a dog are talking.

Chicken: "How come everyone doesn't eat you lot?"
Dog: "We don't know, but they appear to be harvesting our poos for something."

john2443

6,387 posts

217 months

Sunday 13th February 2022
quotequote all
Recycled from a long time ago!

The police told Boris Johnson that he needed to fill in a questionnaire so he went and beat up a doorman outside the Dorchester.

MartG

21,166 posts

210 months

Monday 14th February 2022
quotequote all

Pixelpeep 135

8,600 posts

148 months

Monday 14th February 2022
quotequote all
Just told the missus i've booked us a table tonight.

She was really excited. Really shocked me her reaction though, i had no idea she enjoyed snooker that much.

Pixelpeep 135

8,600 posts

148 months

Monday 14th February 2022
quotequote all
my mate got blessed with a 10" penis.

The priest got 15 years.