I just sneezed and...
Discussion
Friend of mine ran into the back of the car in front in London traffic. Was only a gentle bump, but when she got out to see driver of car she'd hit, she found him covered in blood.
Turns out, he'd been picking his nose whilst driving and the impact had forced his finger further up with some force.....
He was so embarassed he just drove off, caring little for any damage to his car!
Turns out, he'd been picking his nose whilst driving and the impact had forced his finger further up with some force.....
He was so embarassed he just drove off, caring little for any damage to his car!
thank god ive got the office to myself this afternoon as i havent laughed this much in a long long time, superb reading!
have done the patio door thing, although i was fully dressed, managed to get myself a night in hospital as when i bounced i managed to smash a big ole concrete plant pot and knocked myself out
or theres the time i decided to jump off the sea wall on my bike, only for the rear heel to fall off where i hadnt done it up properly so i stacked it big time, main problem with that was it was the height of summer
have done the patio door thing, although i was fully dressed, managed to get myself a night in hospital as when i bounced i managed to smash a big ole concrete plant pot and knocked myself out
or theres the time i decided to jump off the sea wall on my bike, only for the rear heel to fall off where i hadnt done it up properly so i stacked it big time, main problem with that was it was the height of summer
KingRichard said:
Famous Graham said:
Washing my hair in a sink once (long story involving a knackered shower, no bath and having to wash bits of me at a time), I lent a little too far forward and bumped my nose on the porcelain. The natural reaction from which was to jerk uo a bit, thereby impaling the back of my head on the tap, before yelping, pulling backwards, hitting the toilet and falling onto my arse with shampoo running into my eyes.
Not my finest moment
Not my finest moment
I feel your pain brother!
I once sneezed so hard a little bit of poo came out
I was so proud...
TonyHetherington said:
I bought a new beard trimmer grooming thing yesterday. Last night trying to use it, and it says first thing to do is oil the blades slightly with the supplied tube of oil. So, I open top and squeeze. Nothing comes out the spout. I squeeze harder, still nothing, so really go for it on this tiny weak plastic bottle. The top shoots off and squirts oil all over the tiles, the towels, the whole bloody bathroom.
Why didn't I check to see if the end was blocked?
You do wonder how someone can be quite so dumb.
Brilliant Why didn't I check to see if the end was blocked?
You do wonder how someone can be quite so dumb.
Back when I worked in engineering me and a workmate lowered a colleague down a shaft in a cooling tower so he could flame cut the bolts on the flange of a large water pipe we were removing. This was before the days that H&S kicked in properly and he just had his foot in a sling hanging from the hook, although we did rig it up on a snatch block.
When he got to the required height we held him there while he wrapped his legs around the pipe to steady himself and started to cut the bolts off. One of the near molten pieces dropped neatly into his lap and started to burn it's way through to his nads.
You could barely hear his screams over our laughter, laughter that took hold to such an extent that we couldn't pull him up and then promtly let go causing the snatch block to kick in and lock him firmly where he was. Shear panic allowed him to force himself upright and knock it of before it did any damage.
On another occassion we were dispatched to cut down and old water tower. Rather than take it down bit by bit from the top as we had been told, and as the tower was at the edge of a field, we decided to tie a rope to it and the back of our little Bradshaw truck (like a mini milk float) and cut the legs off. My mate got in the truck and started pulling while I cut the legs off. As it started to drop we realised the rope wasn't long enough and the tower was going to drop on the truck. The doofus kept going straight until the very last second, when his brain finally kicked into gear and he swerved to the side, the tower missing him by inches.
Oh, and I got home early today and decided to have a bath. Walked into the bathroom, turned the taps on, then took my pants off and threw them in the toilet rather than the washing basket. Mrs Crikey is yet to find them where they now sit soaking everything else in the washing basket...
ETA MRS Crikey
When he got to the required height we held him there while he wrapped his legs around the pipe to steady himself and started to cut the bolts off. One of the near molten pieces dropped neatly into his lap and started to burn it's way through to his nads.
You could barely hear his screams over our laughter, laughter that took hold to such an extent that we couldn't pull him up and then promtly let go causing the snatch block to kick in and lock him firmly where he was. Shear panic allowed him to force himself upright and knock it of before it did any damage.
On another occassion we were dispatched to cut down and old water tower. Rather than take it down bit by bit from the top as we had been told, and as the tower was at the edge of a field, we decided to tie a rope to it and the back of our little Bradshaw truck (like a mini milk float) and cut the legs off. My mate got in the truck and started pulling while I cut the legs off. As it started to drop we realised the rope wasn't long enough and the tower was going to drop on the truck. The doofus kept going straight until the very last second, when his brain finally kicked into gear and he swerved to the side, the tower missing him by inches.
Oh, and I got home early today and decided to have a bath. Walked into the bathroom, turned the taps on, then took my pants off and threw them in the toilet rather than the washing basket. Mrs Crikey is yet to find them where they now sit soaking everything else in the washing basket...
ETA MRS Crikey
Edited by crikey on Thursday 10th January 16:31
crikey said:
Oh, and I got home early today and decided to have a bath. Walked into the bathroom, turned the taps on, then took my pants off and threw them in the toilet rather than the washing basket. Mr Crikey is yet to find them where they now sit soaking everything else in the washing basket...
The other night in the gym I was using the cross trainer. My glasses started slipping so rather than take my hands off the handles (and thus "lose" the heart-rate readout 
) I decided it was a better idea to lean towards one hand and sort of straighten them. Only I didn't take into account the movement of the handles, leaned towards the hand that was going away from me, and then punched myself in the head when the handle came back the other way. Doh!
Many years ago I had a chavalier which developed a miss-fire. Leaving the engine running, I opened the bonnet and gave each HT lead a tug in turn. And then nearly pissed myself when I got a belt off of the lead that had worn insulation from where it rubbed on the manifold, and was shorting out. Ouch!
Arc eye and welder's suntan have also been suffered as part of taking short-cuts to get cars back into some sort of shape for MOTs.
) I decided it was a better idea to lean towards one hand and sort of straighten them. Only I didn't take into account the movement of the handles, leaned towards the hand that was going away from me, and then punched myself in the head when the handle came back the other way. Doh!Many years ago I had a chavalier which developed a miss-fire. Leaving the engine running, I opened the bonnet and gave each HT lead a tug in turn. And then nearly pissed myself when I got a belt off of the lead that had worn insulation from where it rubbed on the manifold, and was shorting out. Ouch!
Arc eye and welder's suntan have also been suffered as part of taking short-cuts to get cars back into some sort of shape for MOTs.
I remeber years ago on my TZR 125, was trying to impress a young lady, as you do at the tender age of 17.
I though, if I try really hard I may be able to pull a really big wheelie here.
So I got on the bike, started her up, dumped the clutch & BINGO, I'd left the steering lock on!!!!!!!!
I though, if I try really hard I may be able to pull a really big wheelie here.
So I got on the bike, started her up, dumped the clutch & BINGO, I'd left the steering lock on!!!!!!!!
When I was younger I went conker collecting, but decided it would be clever to throw sticks at ones that hadn't fallen from the trees just yet. Well, I was successful, got one complete in shell, shame I was looking up watching it fall at the time. I managed to take the hit from the spiked shell square in my eyeball, needless to say it smarted a little and caused blood. I've no idea why i didn't shut my eye. Still have trouble with vision from that eye best part of 20 years later.
Another time I'd been out on the beers and managed to drink ALL of the vodka in the world, my dad had directed me in the direction of the bathroom to sort myself out, I was finished toilet hugging and stood up to leave the bathroom, somehow managing to trip over the toilet, landing nose first on the protruding bath taps and ending up in a heap in the bath. Didn't feel a thing until the morning when I woke up with the worst hangover in the world, to my confusion it was ALL in my nose. Turned out i'd knocked it almost 30 degrees out of place.
Another time I'd been out on the beers and managed to drink ALL of the vodka in the world, my dad had directed me in the direction of the bathroom to sort myself out, I was finished toilet hugging and stood up to leave the bathroom, somehow managing to trip over the toilet, landing nose first on the protruding bath taps and ending up in a heap in the bath. Didn't feel a thing until the morning when I woke up with the worst hangover in the world, to my confusion it was ALL in my nose. Turned out i'd knocked it almost 30 degrees out of place.
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