Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)
Discussion
A young midshipman straight from Dartmouth Naval College joins his first ship, HMS Trout bridge. He walks over the gangway and is taken down to meet the Captain.
The conversation goes like this:-
Midshipman, “Good morning sir, my name is Midshipman Caruthers”
Captain, “Welcome to HMS Troutbridge Caruthers, before I show you around, I will just outline the weekly entertainment on board for you. Monday evenings we play bridge”
Midshipman, “Oh I am sorry sir, I don’t actually play bridge, so I wouldn’t enjoy that”
Captain, “Don’t worry, Tuesday evenings is film night”
Midshipman, “Oh I am sorry sir, I prefer to read a good book, so I wouldn’t enjoy that”
Captain, “Oh well, on Wednesday evening is quiz night”
Midshipman, “Oh sorry sir, I am not awfully good at quiz, so I wouldn’t enjoy that”
Captain, “Well then, on Thursdays the WRNS visit the ship, and we have some cocktails and a bit of a dance”
Midshipman, “Oh sorry sir, I can’t dance to save my life, so I wouldn’t enjoy that”
Captain, “Caruthers, you’re not gay are you”
Midshipman, “Good god sir no”
Captain, “Hmm, you won’t enjoy Friday evenings either then”
The conversation goes like this:-
Midshipman, “Good morning sir, my name is Midshipman Caruthers”
Captain, “Welcome to HMS Troutbridge Caruthers, before I show you around, I will just outline the weekly entertainment on board for you. Monday evenings we play bridge”
Midshipman, “Oh I am sorry sir, I don’t actually play bridge, so I wouldn’t enjoy that”
Captain, “Don’t worry, Tuesday evenings is film night”
Midshipman, “Oh I am sorry sir, I prefer to read a good book, so I wouldn’t enjoy that”
Captain, “Oh well, on Wednesday evening is quiz night”
Midshipman, “Oh sorry sir, I am not awfully good at quiz, so I wouldn’t enjoy that”
Captain, “Well then, on Thursdays the WRNS visit the ship, and we have some cocktails and a bit of a dance”
Midshipman, “Oh sorry sir, I can’t dance to save my life, so I wouldn’t enjoy that”
Captain, “Caruthers, you’re not gay are you”
Midshipman, “Good god sir no”
Captain, “Hmm, you won’t enjoy Friday evenings either then”
Took me a couple of seconds.Vipers said:
A young midshipman straight from Dartmouth Naval College joins his first ship, HMS Trout bridge. He walks over the gangway and is taken down to meet the Captain.
The conversation goes like this:-
Midshipman, “Good morning sir, my name is Midshipman Caruthers”
Captain, “Welcome to HMS Troutbridge Caruthers, before I show you around, I will just outline the weekly entertainment on board for you. Monday evenings we play bridge”
Midshipman, “Oh I am sorry sir, I don’t actually play bridge, so I wouldn’t enjoy that”
Captain, “Don’t worry, Tuesday evenings is film night”
Midshipman, “Oh I am sorry sir, I prefer to read a good book, so I wouldn’t enjoy that”
Captain, “Oh well, on Wednesday evening is quiz night”
Midshipman, “Oh sorry sir, I am not awfully good at quiz, so I wouldn’t enjoy that”
Captain, “Well then, on Thursdays the WRNS visit the ship, and we have some cocktails and a bit of a dance”
Midshipman, “Oh sorry sir, I can’t dance to save my life, so I wouldn’t enjoy that”
Captain, “Caruthers, you’re not gay are you”
Midshipman, “Good god sir no”
Captain, “Hmm, you won’t enjoy Friday evenings either then”
sure I've heard it before, but haha it's a good oneThe conversation goes like this:-
Midshipman, “Good morning sir, my name is Midshipman Caruthers”
Captain, “Welcome to HMS Troutbridge Caruthers, before I show you around, I will just outline the weekly entertainment on board for you. Monday evenings we play bridge”
Midshipman, “Oh I am sorry sir, I don’t actually play bridge, so I wouldn’t enjoy that”
Captain, “Don’t worry, Tuesday evenings is film night”
Midshipman, “Oh I am sorry sir, I prefer to read a good book, so I wouldn’t enjoy that”
Captain, “Oh well, on Wednesday evening is quiz night”
Midshipman, “Oh sorry sir, I am not awfully good at quiz, so I wouldn’t enjoy that”
Captain, “Well then, on Thursdays the WRNS visit the ship, and we have some cocktails and a bit of a dance”
Midshipman, “Oh sorry sir, I can’t dance to save my life, so I wouldn’t enjoy that”
Captain, “Caruthers, you’re not gay are you”
Midshipman, “Good god sir no”
Captain, “Hmm, you won’t enjoy Friday evenings either then”
That was the same ship a junior rating joined and in the Mess enquired what the entertainment was
Well its a bit monotomous but on Mondays we get the barrel out and shove our dicks through the bunghole for a shag
Tuesdays the same
Wednesdays the same
Fridays the same
Saturdays the same
Hold on says the Junior rate What about Thursdays?'
Ah says the AB, 'Its your turn in the barrel'
Well its a bit monotomous but on Mondays we get the barrel out and shove our dicks through the bunghole for a shag
Tuesdays the same
Wednesdays the same
Fridays the same
Saturdays the same
Hold on says the Junior rate What about Thursdays?'
Ah says the AB, 'Its your turn in the barrel'
Vipers said:
We'll I left the R.N., in 75, and had allready heard it, so must be yonks old.
Reminds me of this one-->The new Marine Captain was assigned to a recon company in a remote post in the desert. During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.
He asks the First Sergeant why the camel is kept there. Well, sir," is the reply, "as you know, there are 250 men here and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have ... urges. That's why we have the camel,sir."
"The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay."
About a month later, the Captain starts having a real problem with his own urges, and asks the First Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent . Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stands on it, pulls down his pants, and has sex with the camel. When he is done, he asks the First Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"
"No sir," the First Sergeant replies. "They usually just ride the camel into town."
. 
marshalla said:
ThunderSpook said:
Would make more sense if the batman theme actually went na na na na when everyone know it's dinner dinner dinner dinner!
8 sodium atoms walk into bar followed by Helium, Yttrium, Helium and Yttrium
A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunchtime.
They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager.
After waiting patiently for a few minutes, the little boy said loudly,
"Wow, She's fat!”
The mother bent down and whispered in the little boy's ear to be quiet..
A couple more minutes passed by and the little boy stretched his arms out as far as they would go and announced; "I'll bet her bum is this wide!"
The fat woman turned around and glared at the little boy.
The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet.
After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the queue.
Just then her pager began to emit a "beep, beep, beep"
The little boy yelled out, "Run for your f*****g life, she's reversing!!"
They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager.
After waiting patiently for a few minutes, the little boy said loudly,
"Wow, She's fat!”
The mother bent down and whispered in the little boy's ear to be quiet..
A couple more minutes passed by and the little boy stretched his arms out as far as they would go and announced; "I'll bet her bum is this wide!"
The fat woman turned around and glared at the little boy.
The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet.
After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the queue.
Just then her pager began to emit a "beep, beep, beep"
The little boy yelled out, "Run for your f*****g life, she's reversing!!"
K12beano said:
At least the reference to a "pager" allows better carbon-dating of the classics....
Absolutely right, but when I am on emergency call out I carry a phone and pager. If the phone isn't answered in a few mins it diverts to a paging service, and of course living where I do, some areas are not covered by my network.But generally a thing of the past.
Vipers said:
A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunchtime.
They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager.
After waiting patiently for a few minutes, the little boy said loudly,
"Wow, She's fat!”
The mother bent down and whispered in the little boy's ear to be quiet..
A couple more minutes passed by and the little boy stretched his arms out as far as they would go and announced; "I'll bet her bum is this wide!"
The fat woman turned around and glared at the little boy.
The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet.
After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the queue.
Just then her pager began to emit a "beep, beep, beep"
The little boy yelled out, "Run for your f*****g life, she's reversing!!"
They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager.
After waiting patiently for a few minutes, the little boy said loudly,
"Wow, She's fat!”
The mother bent down and whispered in the little boy's ear to be quiet..
A couple more minutes passed by and the little boy stretched his arms out as far as they would go and announced; "I'll bet her bum is this wide!"
The fat woman turned around and glared at the little boy.
The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet.
After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the queue.
Just then her pager began to emit a "beep, beep, beep"
The little boy yelled out, "Run for your f*****g life, she's reversing!!"
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