Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)

[Vaud]

Vipers said:

A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunchtime.....

My 2yr old daughter was in the supermarket the other day and was pointing at the milk and saying "moo".

We went around the corner and there was a very large lady (wider than the trolley). My daughter stood there pointing at her going "MOOO MOOO MOOO".

[MartG]

Vaud said:

My 2yr old daughter was in the supermarket the other day and was pointing at the milk and saying "moo".

We went around the corner and there was a very large lady (wider than the trolley). My daughter stood there pointing at her going "MOOO MOOO MOOO".

Some of the things kids come out with are classic - my young niece once misheard 'coniferous hedge' as 'carnivorous hedge' and was scared to go out into the garden in case the hedge ate her She also misunderstood when a TV programme mentioned the 'precession of the equinoxes' and wanted to know if the equinoxes rode horses in their procession

Her best ever was when driving through Barnard Castle I said to her "look at the ruined castle" to be met by an aghast look and the question "Who ruined it ?"

[Vaud]

MartG said:

Some of the things kids come out with are classic

It's a great antidote to work stress.

[GBGaffer]

Vipers said:

Absolutely right, but when I am on emergency call out I carry a phone and pager. If the phone isn't answered in a few mins it diverts to a paging service, and of course living where I do, some areas are not covered by my network.

But generally a thing of the past.

I carry a pager all the time!

G

[tomsugden]

It's taken me bloody ages to print out that Green Party manifesto.

[K12beano]

tomsugden said:

It's taken me bloody ages to print out that Green Party manifesto.

Similarly:

It's lucky I've got a <insert nationality of your choice> to print out my copy of the UKIP manifesto - I wouldn't know what to do without him....

[Mermaid]

The man can't love a woman no more

[Laurel Green]

I loved that song. RIP, Percy.

[Shuvi McTupya]

rudecherub said:

bencollins said:

awesome.
ps can someone explain the sodium joke.

NA NA NA NA NA NA Batman,

[vx220]

Vaud said:

It's a great antidote to work stress.

Not when you work with them! (it is actually...)

[MartG]

I put my foot down hard on the pedal to impress a girl........but she said she'd seen the bin open like that before

[marshalla]

MartG said:

I put my foot down hard on the pedal to impress a girl........but she said she'd seen the bin open like that before

Milton Jones wants a word with you.

[soad]

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

[CambsBill]

Vaud said:

My 2yr old daughter was in the supermarket the other day and was pointing at the milk and saying "moo".

We went around the corner and there was a very large lady (wider than the trolley). My daughter stood there pointing at her going "MOOO MOOO MOOO".

The innocence of youth My own daughter at the age of three spotted a fat woman in a supermarket and, loud & clear, came out with "Is that lady having a baby?"

[Hooli]

soad said:

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

[McAndy]

CambsBill said:

Vaud said:

My 2yr old daughter was in the supermarket the other day and was pointing at the milk and saying "moo".

We went around the corner and there was a very large lady (wider than the trolley). My daughter stood there pointing at her going "MOOO MOOO MOOO".

The innocence of youth My own daughter at the age of three spotted a fat woman in a supermarket and, loud & clear, came out with "Is that lady having a baby?"

In a supermarket as a child in Brighton, a transvestite was doing their weekly shop. A local was giving them lip and it looked as though it was about to kick off when, after the abused uttered "F**k off" to the abuser, a child smaller than I who had been watching piped up to his mother, "Mummy, that lady has a really deep voice!" Tensions immediately eased and even the abuser/abused shared a chuckle.

My own daughter kindly stitched me up in New Look a few months ago. "Daddy, everybody in here has vaginas", very loudly and matter of factly. What could I say? "Yes dear, they all do. Very observant." I could feel the mix of shock and giggling as we continued shopping for Mummy's present.

[Quickmoose]

McAndy said:

My own daughter kindly stitched me up in New Look a few months ago. "Daddy, everybody in here has vaginas", very loudly and matter of factly. What could I say? "Yes dear, they all do. Very observant." I could feel the mix of shock and giggling as we continued shopping for Mummy's present.

teenagers eh...tut/sigh

[BrabusMog]

Quickmoose said:

McAndy said:

My own daughter kindly stitched me up in New Look a few months ago. "Daddy, everybody in here has vaginas", very loudly and matter of factly. What could I say? "Yes dear, they all do. Very observant." I could feel the mix of shock and giggling as we continued shopping for Mummy's present.

teenagers eh...tut/sigh

When I was 12 or 13 I remember asking my mum, really loudly, "what is cunnilingus?" I didn't know that shade of red existed.

[McAndy]

Quickmoose said:

teenagers eh...tut/sigh

Not quite...

[Vaud]

CambsBill said:

The innocence of youth My own daughter at the age of three spotted a fat woman in a supermarket and, loud & clear, came out with "Is that lady having a baby?"

Brilliant. This may need it's own thread, unless there is one already.