Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)
Discussion
At the pearly gates, Fagin is detained by the recording angel. St. Peter reads out the charge...
"That you, Fagin, did wantonly rape a nurse who was outside the hospital, protesting over the pitiful wage she and her colleagues were paid.
On pain of being banished to rot eternally in hellfire you are so charged. Have you anything to say in your defence?"
Fagin said, "You gotta pork a picket or two."
R.I.P. Ron Moody
"That you, Fagin, did wantonly rape a nurse who was outside the hospital, protesting over the pitiful wage she and her colleagues were paid.
On pain of being banished to rot eternally in hellfire you are so charged. Have you anything to say in your defence?"
Fagin said, "You gotta pork a picket or two."
R.I.P. Ron Moody
gowmonster said:
I can't think of any Christopher lee Jokes 
the man was quite incredible though. http://listverse.com/2014/12/14/10-reasons-christo...
Sometimes it's only when someone dies that you find out what other things they've achieved apart from being famous. the man was quite incredible though. http://listverse.com/2014/12/14/10-reasons-christo...
Anyway what better way to commemorate the death of someone you respect in a thread like this than to quote one of their jokes, so here goes.
Christopher Lee said:
(on doing Military Intelligence in World War II) When people say to me, you know, were you in this? Were you in that? Did you work in this? Did you work in that? I always used to say "Can you keep a secret?". And they would say "Yes, yes" and I would say "So can I".
Edited by Caruso on Thursday 11th June 14:26
Edited by Caruso on Thursday 11th June 14:26
gowmonster said:
I can't think of any Christopher lee Jokes
the man was quite incredible though. http://listverse.com/2014/12/14/10-reasons-christo...
There was a good bit in his memoirs, about his army service. They had a sergeant-major with a really bad stammer. After a while, he was nicknamed R.R. Phuckett.the man was quite incredible though. http://listverse.com/2014/12/14/10-reasons-christo...
1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.
2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably pissed.
4. Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.
6. I don't like making plans for the day. Because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
7. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 1,500 days in a row.
8. I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
9. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers. If you find one, what 's your plan?
10. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege.
Must be a roasty pea but...
Bono on AIDS:
Bono, a world-wide pop star with the band U2, is known for his views on AIDS in Africa. He is considered by those who have dealt with him as a little more than just a little self-righteous.
At a recent concert in Belfast, Ireland, he
asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he
started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds. Holding
the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone, "Every
time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies from AIDS."
A heavily Irish brogue, slightly slurred,
from the front of the crowd pierced the quiet. "Well, stop clapping then, you fookin' evil b*stard!"
Bono on AIDS:
Bono, a world-wide pop star with the band U2, is known for his views on AIDS in Africa. He is considered by those who have dealt with him as a little more than just a little self-righteous.
At a recent concert in Belfast, Ireland, he
asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he
started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds. Holding
the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone, "Every
time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies from AIDS."
A heavily Irish brogue, slightly slurred,
from the front of the crowd pierced the quiet. "Well, stop clapping then, you fookin' evil b*stard!"
Paddy walks into murphys living room, only to be met with the highest ceiling he's ever seen - all the way up to the roof of the house! 'Crikey!' Exclaims paddy, 'it's one hell of a room, so it is!'
'T'is, right enough, Paddy' replies Murphy, 'but I can't take the credit, the wife said she'd seen fellas on TV making their rooms bigger by knocking two into one'.
'T'is, right enough, Paddy' replies Murphy, 'but I can't take the credit, the wife said she'd seen fellas on TV making their rooms bigger by knocking two into one'.
Woman goes into a fishmongers, and the conversation goes like this.
"A pound of cod please"
"There won't be any cod in until tomorrow"
"Thank you", and she leaves.
She returns in an hour.
"A pound of cod please"
"There won't be any cod in until tomorrow"
"Thank you", and she leaves.
She returns in an hour.
"A pound of cod please"
"There won't be any "C. O. F. D. " until tomorrow"
She says "There is no "f" in cod"
He says "That's what I am trying to tell you"
"A pound of cod please"
"There won't be any cod in until tomorrow"
"Thank you", and she leaves.
She returns in an hour.
"A pound of cod please"
"There won't be any cod in until tomorrow"
"Thank you", and she leaves.
She returns in an hour.
"A pound of cod please"
"There won't be any "C. O. F. D. " until tomorrow"
She says "There is no "f" in cod"
He says "That's what I am trying to tell you"
twing said:
Must be a roasty pea but...
Bono on AIDS:
Bono, a world-wide pop star with the band U2, is known for his views on AIDS in Africa. He is considered by those who have dealt with him as a little more than just a little self-righteous.
At a recent concert in Belfast, Ireland, he
asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he
started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds. Holding
the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone, "Every
time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies from AIDS."
A heavily Irish brogue, slightly slurred,
from the front of the crowd pierced the quiet. "Well, stop clapping then, you fookin' evil b*stard!"
Might have been seen on here a lot now.Bono on AIDS:
Bono, a world-wide pop star with the band U2, is known for his views on AIDS in Africa. He is considered by those who have dealt with him as a little more than just a little self-righteous.
At a recent concert in Belfast, Ireland, he
asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he
started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds. Holding
the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone, "Every
time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies from AIDS."
A heavily Irish brogue, slightly slurred,
from the front of the crowd pierced the quiet. "Well, stop clapping then, you fookin' evil b*stard!"
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