Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 8)
Discussion
It was midnight, lock up time at the old country pub. As the staff cashed up and put the money into the safe, they washed the glasses and restocked the bar, Then, they heard a terrible sound. A chilling caterwauling could be heard echoing through the bar. As the dying fire made the polished horse brasses glint, glasses were shattering in the racks above the bar. Corks popped from bottles, released champagne gushed...and then, they saw it.
A ghostly cat was stalking along the bar. It glowed white in the half light and details of the background could be made out through its insubstantial form. It continued to yowl and turned to the barman.
"I am the ghost of Tiddles, the pub cat," it said forlornly. "In 1857, my master was drunk. He became angry because I knocked a glass off the bar. He got a carving knife form the kitchen and cut off my tail." It continued, with tears in its voice. "Then, he chased me into the cellar. I ran into the old dumb waiter and he closed the shutter. Then he walled me up and left me to die. As I starved to death I was soooo thirsty...I swore to get my tail back and get my revenge on my cruel master.Having my tail will let me go back and scare him to death Please, please, can you help me...?"
The barman was moved and even he had to hold back the tears as he said...
"Sorry, we don't re-tail spirits after closing time."
A ghostly cat was stalking along the bar. It glowed white in the half light and details of the background could be made out through its insubstantial form. It continued to yowl and turned to the barman.
"I am the ghost of Tiddles, the pub cat," it said forlornly. "In 1857, my master was drunk. He became angry because I knocked a glass off the bar. He got a carving knife form the kitchen and cut off my tail." It continued, with tears in its voice. "Then, he chased me into the cellar. I ran into the old dumb waiter and he closed the shutter. Then he walled me up and left me to die. As I starved to death I was soooo thirsty...I swore to get my tail back and get my revenge on my cruel master.Having my tail will let me go back and scare him to death Please, please, can you help me...?"
The barman was moved and even he had to hold back the tears as he said...
"Sorry, we don't re-tail spirits after closing time."
Edited by davhill on Wednesday 27th September 02:22
Let's not faucet. davhill said:
It was midnight, lock up time at the old country pub. As the staff cashed up and put the money into the safe, they washed the glasses and restocked the bar, Then, they heard a terrible sound. A chilling caterwauling could be heard echoing through the bar. As the dying fire made the polished horse brasses glint, glasses were shattering in the racks above the bar. Corks popped from bottles, released champagne gushed...and then, they saw it.
A ghostly cat was stalking along the bar. It glowed white in the half light and details of the background could be made out through its insubstantial form. It continued to yowl and turned to the barman.
"I am the ghost of Tiddles, the pub cat," it said forlornly. "In 1857, my master was drunk. He became angry because I knocked a glass off the bar. He got a carving knife form the kitchen and cut off my tail." It continued, with tears in its voice. "Then, he chased me into the cellar. I ran into the old dumb waiter and he closed the shutter. Then he walled me up and left me to die. As I starved to death I was soooo thirsty...I swore to get my tail back and get my revenge on my cruel master.Having my tail will let me go back and scare him to death Please, please, can you help me...?"
The barman was moved and even he had to hold back the tears as he said...
"Sorry, we don't re-tail spirits after closing time."
God, that's terrible, I can't believe I just wasted two minutes of my life reading that A ghostly cat was stalking along the bar. It glowed white in the half light and details of the background could be made out through its insubstantial form. It continued to yowl and turned to the barman.
"I am the ghost of Tiddles, the pub cat," it said forlornly. "In 1857, my master was drunk. He became angry because I knocked a glass off the bar. He got a carving knife form the kitchen and cut off my tail." It continued, with tears in its voice. "Then, he chased me into the cellar. I ran into the old dumb waiter and he closed the shutter. Then he walled me up and left me to die. As I starved to death I was soooo thirsty...I swore to get my tail back and get my revenge on my cruel master.Having my tail will let me go back and scare him to death Please, please, can you help me...?"
The barman was moved and even he had to hold back the tears as he said...
"Sorry, we don't re-tail spirits after closing time."
Muntu said:
Was that the same one who went to sleep thinking about a maths problem? He woke up with a square root and a sticky solution
It was the rabbit with the dicky ticker that fell into the vat of peeled vegetables where one was so sharp it cut him in the neck. The Death Certificate Simply said “carotid artery”....
Two terrorists having discussion in a bar.
The waiter asks them what the discussion was about?
Terrorist :- We are planning to kill 14 thousand people and a donkey..
Waiter :- Why a donkey?
Then one terrorist says to the other, "See I told you nobody will care about the 14 thousand people".
The waiter asks them what the discussion was about?
Terrorist :- We are planning to kill 14 thousand people and a donkey..
Waiter :- Why a donkey?
Then one terrorist says to the other, "See I told you nobody will care about the 14 thousand people".
Urgent help required to re-home some bunnies. The elderly owner has passed away and due to the property deal the house is sold without the bunnies putting them all at risk. Just £100,000 a month will help the bunnies live the life they deserve. If you can help and re home a bunny call 1-800-PLAYBOY now!
Fluffsri said:
Urgent help required to re-home some bunnies. The elderly owner has passed away and due to the property deal the house is sold without the bunnies putting them all at risk. Just £100,000 a month will help the bunnies live the life they deserve. If you can help and re home a bunny call 1-800-PLAYBOY now!
Good job I heard the news earlier, 
Now Heff is gone, wonder if the Hoff is worried
News just in
Air Traffic Control have had a sighting of a single strange unknown object in the skies above Europe.
They’re currently treating it as a UFO
It’s believed that there’s just a single occurrence of this object and the public are asked not to worry unduly.
A spokesmen said they believe this UFO has some strange writing down the outside, and if anyone can help, could they get in touch, with identifying a long cigar-shaped object like an ordinary passenger jet with pictures down the side equating closely to the following letters: Ryanair
Air Traffic Control have had a sighting of a single strange unknown object in the skies above Europe.
They’re currently treating it as a UFO
It’s believed that there’s just a single occurrence of this object and the public are asked not to worry unduly.
A spokesmen said they believe this UFO has some strange writing down the outside, and if anyone can help, could they get in touch, with identifying a long cigar-shaped object like an ordinary passenger jet with pictures down the side equating closely to the following letters: Ryanair
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