Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 8)

[Doofus]

Evangelion said:

What did the Mexican say when his house blew down?
"Hacienda that."

[silverfoxcc]

Then there were the two prostitutes with complerely different career result

The Mexican one was very rich .she never let a day go by

Whilst the Japanese one had to give the job up.. nobody had a yen for her

[Vipers]

Where were you yesterday? There was nobody to cover your shift!

I'm sorry, I was becoming a father yesterday.

Oh really, I'm happy for you, boy or girl?

I'll let you know in 9 months.

You're fired.

[kowalski655]

And did no one hear the shot that was fired?

[arguti]

[cookmysock]

Vipers said:

Where were you yesterday? There was nobody to cover your shift!

I'm sorry, I was becoming a father yesterday.

Oh really, I'm happy for you, boy or girl?

I'll let you know in 9 months.

You're fired.

Arrrgggghh - must you continue to do this? Please, please, please, edit your posts and don't use the excuse you are just the messenger.
You will be named and shamed in the things that annoy beyond reason thread.
We, the populace of PH have had enough and an uprising is in progress. Burning torches and pitchforks will be involved.
Lots of Love,
Cookmysock.

[glenrobbo]

cookmysock said:

Arrrgggghh - must you continue to do this? Please, please, please, edit your posts and don't use the excuse you are just the messenger.
You will be named and shamed in the things that annoy beyond reason thread.
We, the populace of PH have had enough and an uprising is in progress. Burning torches and pitchforks will be involved.
Lots of Love,
Cookmysock.

Nope.
I'm sorry, l may be due a parrot, but I just don't get it...



I prefer Viper's jokes.

[silverfoxcc]

I think this should be in a 'good reply thread'

But to honour Vipers efforts


There was a really fat bloke( and by fat i mean he had to find his dick by guesswork) waddling along the road

A rather bumptoious woman saw him and remarked

'If that belly had been on a woman she would be pregnant'

Without breaking step, he replied

'it has been ,and she is'

[Ayahuasca]

Why did the elderly woman fall into the well?










She didn't see well.

[Vipers]

glenrobbo said:

cookmysock said:

Arrrgggghh - must you continue to do this? Please, please, please, edit your posts and don't use the excuse you are just the messenger.
You will be named and shamed in the things that annoy beyond reason thread.
We, the populace of PH have had enough and an uprising is in progress. Burning torches and pitchforks will be involved.
Lots of Love,
Cookmysock.

Nope.
I'm sorry, l may be due a parrot, but I just don't get it...



I prefer Viper's jokes.

I didn't get it either.

[Vipers]

The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.

She said "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just take several stops and stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

She looked at the men in the room, "and Gentlemen, remember... you're in this together... it wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her."

The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.

"Yes,” answered the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”

[louiebaby]

Vipers][snip said:

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”

When my eldest was born, it was the end of November, and he came by emergency C-section.

The guidance was for my wife to not lift anything heavier than him for the next 8 weeks.

I genuinely asked if he would weigh the same as a goose by Christmas.

No one else laughed. I was not particularly popular.

[Vipers]

louiebaby said:

Vipers][snip said:

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”

When my eldest was born, it was the end of November, and he came by emergency C-section.

The guidance was for my wife to not lift anything heavier than him for the next 8 weeks.

I genuinely asked if he would weigh the same as a goose by Christmas.

No one else laughed. I was not particularly popular.

My sense of humour.

[Vaud]

Vipers said:

My sense of humour.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jdmSvoNVt2Q

[Ayahuasca]

Young sailor to elderly pirate: 'Is it true you are very, very old?'

Old pirate: 'Aye, matey.'

Edited by Ayahuasca on Monday 2nd October 18:10

[davhill]

louiebaby said:

When my eldest was born, it was the end of November, and he came by emergency C-section.

Snippe

... and now, he/she always gets out of the sunroof?

[Muntu]

What do you call a Spanish football player with no legs?

Gracias

[Muntu]

Q: What's a Bloody Nicole?

A: Same as a Bloody Mary, but you add OJ instead of tomato juice.

[Robbo 27]

80% of the women who read PH dont like their arse

10% of women PH readers quite like their arse.

The remaining 10% say they dont care either way because he is rich.

[alorotom]

Muntu said:

Q: What's a Bloody Nicole?

A: Same as a Bloody Mary, but you add OJ instead of tomato juice.

JOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSSS