Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 8)

[Muntu]

Russian Troll Bot said:

Muntu said:

Alex@POD said:

HairyPoppins said:

Believe it or not there was a call for Sleeping Beauty to be banned in primary schools precisely for that reason - it depicts non-consensual kissing.

I kid you not.

At least they don't tell the tale the way it was first told in 1634... It went a touch further than kissing back then!

Did involve The Beast With Two Backs?

Yes, but since she was asleep he didn't ask for permission first.......

Speaking of which, I asked the current GF if she wanted to play a rape game

"No I fking don't" she shrieked

"that's the spirit!" I replied

[MartG]

Ok I just NEED to vent . I’m mad as eff!!! I have had ENOUGH! I will never help anyone again. EVER!! Either I'm too kindhearted, too stupid, or too gullible!! Out of the kindness of my heart and because it was so cold out yesterday, i took a man into my home. Felt so sorry for him. Poor thing was trembling out in the cold. This morning he just vanished. Not a word, not even "goodbye" or "thank you" for sheltering him!! The last straw? I realized he had peed all over the living room floor!
Like SERIOUSLY 😡😡😡 That's the "thank you" I get for being good to people?
Now I'm going to warn my lovely friends/family to watch out for this man! He is heavy set, and he's wearing nothing but a scarf. He has a nose that looks like a carrot, 2 black eyes and his arms are so skinny they look like sticks!! Don't bring him into your house! What a huge mess he made on our floor but he did leave me his scarf!

[rayny]

MartG and Vipers - My weekend commences on Thursday evening, and you between you both you always make it a good start
Thank you both

[glenrobbo]

The best weekends start on a Monday.

[boobles]

YankeePorker said:

Don't think that will work on radiators.

[Halmyre]

YankeePorker said:

But what do you do with the empty boxes...?

[EvoDelta]

Halmyre said:

But what do you do with the empty boxes...?

[Nom de ploom]

leave it vic...

[MartG]

I learned two interesting facts today:
It's not as easy as you'd think, having a dump on a moving train.
And my ban covers ALL Hornby shops.

[MartG]

[Ayahuasca]

MartG said:

I learned two interesting facts today:
It's not as easy as you'd think, having a dump on a moving train.
And my ban covers ALL Hornby shops.

Hornby does not manage any shops.

[sc0tt]

Ayahuasca said:

Hornby does not manage any shops.

Funnier than the "joke".

[ApOrbital]

Plenty of Stockist though.

[MartG]

Ayahuasca said:

MartG said:

I learned two interesting facts today:
It's not as easy as you'd think, having a dump on a moving train.
And my ban covers ALL Hornby shops.

Hornby does not manage any shops.

Kitten killer !

[MartG]

Smirnoff have just released an Oscar Pistorius advent calendar.

A shot behind every door...

[B'stard Child]

MartG said:

Smirnoff have just released an Oscar Pistorius advent calendar.

A shot behind every door...

Why Smirnoff?

[K12beano]

MartG said:

Smirnoff have just released an Oscar Pistorius advent calendar.

A shot behind every door...

...you’d be legless after that....

[MartG]

B'stard Child said:

MartG said:

Smirnoff have just released an Oscar Pistorius advent calendar.

A shot behind every door...

Why Smirnoff?

Because listing every brand of liquor would spoil the joke

[sc0tt]

MartG said:

B'stard Child said:

MartG said:

A Vodka manufacturer have just released an Oscar Pistorius advent calendar.

A shot behind every door...

Why Smirnoff?

Because listing every brand of liquor would spoil the joke

Fixed

[Ayahuasca]

sc0tt said:

MartG said:

B'stard Child said:

MartG said:

A Vodka manufacturer have just released an Oscar Pistorius advent calendar.

A shot behind every door...

Why Smirnoff?

Because listing every brand of liquor would spoil the joke

Fixed

It should be a vodka distiller, not manufacturer.