Growing the family - with a large(ish) age gap
Discussion
I won't go into too many details, we have two already, 12 & 10. OH has a number of times mentioned she doesn't feel 'finished', so we have discussed adding a third. She is 41, so certainly not old by today's standards, we know several other mothers who had children much older than that, but that is still one concern. Another is whether there will ever be much of a bond with the older siblings, or if the youngest will always feel like an only child, and conversely, how much interest teenagers will show towards a toddler. I'm sure there must be more than a few on PH who have gone through this, either by accident or design. Any input would be welcome. Personally, I loved (and still do) bringing up children, but my rational brain is a little torn on the subject.
I can't speak from direct experience, but I know a family who have 8 children spread across 5-19 years old. The eldest loves to take the youngest (both boys) shopping and buy him trainers and stuff. I guess it will depend on their individual personalities, but I don't think you would have anything to worry about.
We had our third when the older two were 8 and 10.
Although they bonded, they never really have much in common as they grow older, and it's not long before the older ones want to be out with their friends anyway, and the younger is way too young to join them.
In hindsight, we would have had a fourth so that they could grow up together, like the older ones did.
With such a gap, i think they end up partly feeling like an only child if they have to amuse themselves.
Although they bonded, they never really have much in common as they grow older, and it's not long before the older ones want to be out with their friends anyway, and the younger is way too young to join them.
In hindsight, we would have had a fourth so that they could grow up together, like the older ones did.
With such a gap, i think they end up partly feeling like an only child if they have to amuse themselves.
My wife’s brother has four kids
Two when he was in his mid twenties and they are currently 32 (girl)and 30 (boy)
He then had two more, (with the same wife) that are currently 17 (boy)and 18 (girl)
He describes it as effectively having two families and only this year are they free of the school run having been at it for twenty plus years yet still have the 18yo in uni and all the costs associated with that
As a family they are great but you can see the differences in the kids as they are different generations really and whilst they get on really well as a family I wouldn’t describe the kids as close if that makes sense (there’s 14 years between the two sisters)
The eldest daughter (32) left home for uni when the youngest lad was maybe 4 and then went travelling before taking a job abroad for a couple of years
The 2nd born has lived in the US for the last 6 years when his brother would have been 11 but he’d previously been away at Uni before that and lived away a couple of years before going to the US
So whilst they are siblings the younger ones didn’t really have much contact with the elder ones as they went through their formative years
I think it’s also been hard on them as parents
Her other brother has 5 kids but there’s only 7 years between the eldest and youngest so whilst they had a torrid few years they are coming out the other side with a really lovely close knit family and as they hit their 50’s getting their independence back
Two when he was in his mid twenties and they are currently 32 (girl)and 30 (boy)
He then had two more, (with the same wife) that are currently 17 (boy)and 18 (girl)
He describes it as effectively having two families and only this year are they free of the school run having been at it for twenty plus years yet still have the 18yo in uni and all the costs associated with that
As a family they are great but you can see the differences in the kids as they are different generations really and whilst they get on really well as a family I wouldn’t describe the kids as close if that makes sense (there’s 14 years between the two sisters)
The eldest daughter (32) left home for uni when the youngest lad was maybe 4 and then went travelling before taking a job abroad for a couple of years
The 2nd born has lived in the US for the last 6 years when his brother would have been 11 but he’d previously been away at Uni before that and lived away a couple of years before going to the US
So whilst they are siblings the younger ones didn’t really have much contact with the elder ones as they went through their formative years
I think it’s also been hard on them as parents
Her other brother has 5 kids but there’s only 7 years between the eldest and youngest so whilst they had a torrid few years they are coming out the other side with a really lovely close knit family and as they hit their 50’s getting their independence back
Edited by Earthdweller on Friday 24th May 11:54
The important thing is that you love bringing up kids, and that is the important part IMO.
If both you and your wife want it, I would say yes, got for it. I know a couple of people who have got kids ranging from 3-20 and they seem to all get on fine as a family. I think you'll be fine.
Personally speaking, you couldn't pay me enough to have another child! We have one, who we love, cherish, and enjoy like nothing else on earth, but the thought of going back to bottles, nappies, potty training, prams, and sleepless nights is absolutely incomprehensible to me. Both me and my wife would never do it again!
Another thing that we factored in was the question of 'can we provide'? I don't mean the regular baby/child/teen things, I mean stuff like: Can we pay all the costs of them to go to university? Can we buy them a car? Can we help them get on the property ladder by either buying a house for them, or at least giving a big deposit? All the 'big stuff' really.
With one child we felt we could do all that and not suffer financially. But with 2 or more, it would be too tight.
If both you and your wife want it, I would say yes, got for it. I know a couple of people who have got kids ranging from 3-20 and they seem to all get on fine as a family. I think you'll be fine.
Personally speaking, you couldn't pay me enough to have another child! We have one, who we love, cherish, and enjoy like nothing else on earth, but the thought of going back to bottles, nappies, potty training, prams, and sleepless nights is absolutely incomprehensible to me. Both me and my wife would never do it again!
Another thing that we factored in was the question of 'can we provide'? I don't mean the regular baby/child/teen things, I mean stuff like: Can we pay all the costs of them to go to university? Can we buy them a car? Can we help them get on the property ladder by either buying a house for them, or at least giving a big deposit? All the 'big stuff' really.
With one child we felt we could do all that and not suffer financially. But with 2 or more, it would be too tight.
Edited by Mont Blanc on Friday 24th May 13:31
ThingsBehindTheSun said:
50 here, my children are 15 and nearly 17. Would I have more? f
k that.
Imagine having children still living at home when you are well in your 60s. Personally I love the fact that I am getting my life back, no way could I go through having babies again.
Taking the children to school and people thinking you are the grand father.
56 here, 2 from a previous relationship 34 and 29, 2 with the wife 20 and 16. k that.Imagine having children still living at home when you are well in your 60s. Personally I love the fact that I am getting my life back, no way could I go through having babies again.
Taking the children to school and people thinking you are the grand father.
In the current climate I'd be pleasantly surprised if both of the younger ones are able to move out before i'm well into my 60s.
Oldest lives with his uncle, younger moved out as soon as he could but had to move back in with his mother as he couldn't afford to rent.
I'd doubt my younger 2 have the mobile numbers for the older 2 although they all get on well on the odd occasion we are all together, we're not the sort of family who lives in each others pockets, usually big birthdays and weddings are the only time we all meet up (my sisters, nieces, mum and all my family)
Wife's family live 250 miles away so rarely meet up with them and it's a lottery about who's talking to who at any moment in time.
My siblings are 18, 17 and 15 years older than me where I only exist due to it being my dad's birthday and my mum being on the pill but taking antibiotics...
I was spoiled as a child I guess and spent loads of time with my mum, two sisters and had a great childhood. I grew up with my niece and nephew but did get lonely as by the time I was 5 everyone had moved out.
My brother doesn't really get on with any of us and I try and keep the peace with him which is awkward. By the time I came around he was busy chasing girls and getting drunk to take an interest in me.
Im 41 and the girlfriend is 37 and I have a 13 year old son while her boy starts school soon. She says she's not really maternal and pretty much got nagged into it by her son's dad. I get broody AF sometimes especially when I see her holding babies but while she hasn't ruled out the possibility she says she's not sure she wants to do the whole newborn thing. I've said she has till I'm 45 then I'm getting the snip but would do asap if we had another.
I was spoiled as a child I guess and spent loads of time with my mum, two sisters and had a great childhood. I grew up with my niece and nephew but did get lonely as by the time I was 5 everyone had moved out.
My brother doesn't really get on with any of us and I try and keep the peace with him which is awkward. By the time I came around he was busy chasing girls and getting drunk to take an interest in me.
Im 41 and the girlfriend is 37 and I have a 13 year old son while her boy starts school soon. She says she's not really maternal and pretty much got nagged into it by her son's dad. I get broody AF sometimes especially when I see her holding babies but while she hasn't ruled out the possibility she says she's not sure she wants to do the whole newborn thing. I've said she has till I'm 45 then I'm getting the snip but would do asap if we had another.
I'm 45, we have 4, between 14 and 2. It's fine. The littlest one has advanced far faster than the others because he is constantly trying to keep up. Other than needed a bigger house and a 7 seater car, there are few downsides. He's keeping me young, I feel no different now than I did when the oldest was a babe. And as I WFH on non-site days, I get to see the little one grow, play, learn etc. It's great. Would have another but the additional bedroom would be a real challenge to find!
(I'm 1 of 6 so no stranger to big families)
(I'm 1 of 6 so no stranger to big families)
I have a 9 and an 8 year old who are my world. I could imagine anything worse than having another though. They’re at the age where we can get out and do virtually anything without thinking about it. The idea of a boot full of baby stuff again and fitting around nap times makes me shudder.
Looking forward to grandkids in the future though! Whilst mine see their grandparents irregularly, we’ll be fully involved in helping out.
Looking forward to grandkids in the future though! Whilst mine see their grandparents irregularly, we’ll be fully involved in helping out.
My dad remarried and essentially had another family.
I'm the oldest. 17 year age gap between me and the youngest.
While we were not close growing up, I was off before the youngest started school. Now we're all adults the gap is much less pronounced. I notice a generational difference but that doesn't stop us having similar interests. I met up with the second youngest just last week for a bike ride.
As the youngest hasn't left home yet it does mean he's been parenting for 41 years straight and counting.
I'm the oldest. 17 year age gap between me and the youngest.
While we were not close growing up, I was off before the youngest started school. Now we're all adults the gap is much less pronounced. I notice a generational difference but that doesn't stop us having similar interests. I met up with the second youngest just last week for a bike ride.
As the youngest hasn't left home yet it does mean he's been parenting for 41 years straight and counting.
Mont Blanc said:
The important thing is that you love bringing up kids, and that is the important part IMO.
If both you and your wife want it, I would say yes, got for it. I know a couple of people who have got kids ranging from 3-20 and they seem to all get on fine as a family. I think you'll be fine.
Personally speaking, you couldn't pay me enough to have another child! We have one, who we love, cherish, and enjoy like nothing else on earth, but the thought of going back to bottles, nappies, potty training, prams, and sleepless nights is absolutely incomprehensible to me. Both me and my wife would never do it again!
Another thing that we factored in was the question of 'can we provide'? I don't mean the regular baby/child/teen things, I mean stuff like: Can we pay all the costs of them to go to university? Can we buy them a car? Can we help them get on the property ladder by either buying a house for them, or at least giving a big deposit? All the 'big stuff' really.
With one child we felt we could do all that and not suffer financially. But with 2 or more, it would be too tight.
All the people I know that were only children have developed into slightly odd adults. Have another one. Give your child a sibling so they have someone when you’re dead. If both you and your wife want it, I would say yes, got for it. I know a couple of people who have got kids ranging from 3-20 and they seem to all get on fine as a family. I think you'll be fine.
Personally speaking, you couldn't pay me enough to have another child! We have one, who we love, cherish, and enjoy like nothing else on earth, but the thought of going back to bottles, nappies, potty training, prams, and sleepless nights is absolutely incomprehensible to me. Both me and my wife would never do it again!
Another thing that we factored in was the question of 'can we provide'? I don't mean the regular baby/child/teen things, I mean stuff like: Can we pay all the costs of them to go to university? Can we buy them a car? Can we help them get on the property ladder by either buying a house for them, or at least giving a big deposit? All the 'big stuff' really.
With one child we felt we could do all that and not suffer financially. But with 2 or more, it would be too tight.
Edited by Mont Blanc on Friday 24th May 13:31
A relative in law is the youngest by 12 years or so. The others above are all fairly close together in age.
He's pally with some of them but it's not what I'd call a normal sibling relationship. They would've been largely absent by the time he didn't have mush for brains.
I think they regarded him as a strange arrival from nowhere and it never really progressed much beyond that.
Everyone develops a different dynamic though.
He's pally with some of them but it's not what I'd call a normal sibling relationship. They would've been largely absent by the time he didn't have mush for brains.
I think they regarded him as a strange arrival from nowhere and it never really progressed much beyond that.
Everyone develops a different dynamic though.
After our first was born someone mentioned that, if we're hoping to have any more, not to have a gap without nappies, bottles, sleepless nights, tons of baby paraphernalia etc, as the longer the gap the harder it is to go back to nappies, bottles etc.
Best bit of advice we've ever received. We had 3 within the space of 4 years...hard work for sure but we were young. I can't imagine going back to all the baby stuff after 10 years (ish).
Best bit of advice we've ever received. We had 3 within the space of 4 years...hard work for sure but we were young. I can't imagine going back to all the baby stuff after 10 years (ish).
You really both need to want it IMO. It's an extra level of hassle just as the older ones are really starting to find their feet but still need ferrying about. Baby car seats are huge so you're looking at an MPV, hotel rooms become a pain, taxis are often not big enough, three schools, so 3 school runs and just as the older ones might need taking places in the evening you need one at home sleeping.
Seems like a massive ball ache to me!
Seems like a massive ball ache to me!
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