Discussion
Today saw me lose my closest mate - my Dad.
He has been my hero all my life. Protective of me, my siblings and my Mum. Provider of not just a good lifestyle, but the provider with my mum of the best childhood and start to life anyone could have. He had a good life by doing the things he enjoyed and for those he loved - his family. Married to my mum from 18 to nearly 81, a loyal and good man with all the time in the world for his kids and grandkids (and everyone in his extended family to be fair). Totally selfless. The guy (and mum) who we loved having around our house as we got older as often as we could.
A self-made man in his business (motor repair trade hence my addiction to cars), my teacher, my mentor and advisor.
The man who bought my first Kart when I was 4. The builder of my first proper race cars - the winningest and safest I ever had the privilege to have major accidents in. 2 full engine rebuilds a fortnight after a 12 hour day building engines all day at work. Not just putting the bits together, but fitting them - manually gapping rings for optimum compression etc - calipers, micrometers, knowledge and skill - lucky he was an engineer before starting his business. Building "scrutineer proof" long throw engines from different components from 3 existing blocks and bottom ends. Tuning a top half and fuelling it right to overcome the long stroke rise and fall. You could have put a monkey behind the wheel and it would have won its class, and the scruitineers never found the extra CC as hard as they looked.
The bloke that could ear tune a flat 12 Boxer carb engine. The guy that would hear a car go out of the workshop sounding rough (to his ears - nobody else's), set it back by pure skill, and put it back on the computer to see how far out the Crypton was.
They guy that got me out of all my bad racing habits when I turned 17 and got me through my driving test in 4 weeks (the earliest I could get an appointment).
The man who has provided advice all my life (and every time I didn't take it I screwed up) and has stood by me through thick and thin. The rock who was always there when I needed help.
I sat with him today as he passed peacefully on to different things following a difficult few weeks. It was his time, had he survived, he would not have been a shadow of the man I knew, he was that poorly. I see the positive in his passing as not having a poor quality of life extended, but I am gonna miss him. I will celebrate his life and try to not focus on his final weeks of torture.
I could go on for hours, but I would be bound to make a spelling mistake...
If your folks are still around, make sure that you tell them what they mean to you before it is too late. Fortunately I got the chance. Do it yourself today.
He has been my hero all my life. Protective of me, my siblings and my Mum. Provider of not just a good lifestyle, but the provider with my mum of the best childhood and start to life anyone could have. He had a good life by doing the things he enjoyed and for those he loved - his family. Married to my mum from 18 to nearly 81, a loyal and good man with all the time in the world for his kids and grandkids (and everyone in his extended family to be fair). Totally selfless. The guy (and mum) who we loved having around our house as we got older as often as we could.
A self-made man in his business (motor repair trade hence my addiction to cars), my teacher, my mentor and advisor.
The man who bought my first Kart when I was 4. The builder of my first proper race cars - the winningest and safest I ever had the privilege to have major accidents in. 2 full engine rebuilds a fortnight after a 12 hour day building engines all day at work. Not just putting the bits together, but fitting them - manually gapping rings for optimum compression etc - calipers, micrometers, knowledge and skill - lucky he was an engineer before starting his business. Building "scrutineer proof" long throw engines from different components from 3 existing blocks and bottom ends. Tuning a top half and fuelling it right to overcome the long stroke rise and fall. You could have put a monkey behind the wheel and it would have won its class, and the scruitineers never found the extra CC as hard as they looked.
The bloke that could ear tune a flat 12 Boxer carb engine. The guy that would hear a car go out of the workshop sounding rough (to his ears - nobody else's), set it back by pure skill, and put it back on the computer to see how far out the Crypton was.
They guy that got me out of all my bad racing habits when I turned 17 and got me through my driving test in 4 weeks (the earliest I could get an appointment).
The man who has provided advice all my life (and every time I didn't take it I screwed up) and has stood by me through thick and thin. The rock who was always there when I needed help.
I sat with him today as he passed peacefully on to different things following a difficult few weeks. It was his time, had he survived, he would not have been a shadow of the man I knew, he was that poorly. I see the positive in his passing as not having a poor quality of life extended, but I am gonna miss him. I will celebrate his life and try to not focus on his final weeks of torture.
I could go on for hours, but I would be bound to make a spelling mistake...
If your folks are still around, make sure that you tell them what they mean to you before it is too late. Fortunately I got the chance. Do it yourself today.
Thanks folks.
Yes he was the best. I focused on the motor related things as this is PH. In reality, this was a fraction of the whole guy. He really was amazing.
The loss I feel is huge even after having a couple of weeks to prepare for the inevitable. Trying to focus on the positive aspects of sharing his life, and in reality, the positives of his passing - peaceful, no struggle or fight, the timely ending a bout of poor health from which he would not have made anything like a successful recovery, means that I have been avoiding the feelings I had when he drew his last breath.
It has been a busy day today, with lots of people to prop up with those positives. The reality set in immediately, and it hurt like I could not have imagined. My mum had just gone for a cup of tea - I just know that the sneaky sod waited for her to leave the room as he would not have wanted her to see his passing. He opened his eyes, I told him that she had just gone for a cuppa and 30 seconds later he was gone.
The wierd thing is that even people who have come into contact with him infrequently are devastated. I have had calls from people in floods of tears all day - my mates, neighbours, previous employees - all sorts. Maybe having to be so positive to help others who were in bits has helped me get through today. I just know that I am gonna have a huge hit sometime soon when it gets quiet.
I am off to bed I think. A couple of very important days at work coming to focus the mind.
Make that call tomorrow. Visit your Dad who is having tests. Have them round for Christmas and any excuse you can find to spend time with them.
Yes he was the best. I focused on the motor related things as this is PH. In reality, this was a fraction of the whole guy. He really was amazing.
The loss I feel is huge even after having a couple of weeks to prepare for the inevitable. Trying to focus on the positive aspects of sharing his life, and in reality, the positives of his passing - peaceful, no struggle or fight, the timely ending a bout of poor health from which he would not have made anything like a successful recovery, means that I have been avoiding the feelings I had when he drew his last breath.
It has been a busy day today, with lots of people to prop up with those positives. The reality set in immediately, and it hurt like I could not have imagined. My mum had just gone for a cup of tea - I just know that the sneaky sod waited for her to leave the room as he would not have wanted her to see his passing. He opened his eyes, I told him that she had just gone for a cuppa and 30 seconds later he was gone.
The wierd thing is that even people who have come into contact with him infrequently are devastated. I have had calls from people in floods of tears all day - my mates, neighbours, previous employees - all sorts. Maybe having to be so positive to help others who were in bits has helped me get through today. I just know that I am gonna have a huge hit sometime soon when it gets quiet.
I am off to bed I think. A couple of very important days at work coming to focus the mind.
Make that call tomorrow. Visit your Dad who is having tests. Have them round for Christmas and any excuse you can find to spend time with them.
bennyboydurham said:
I'm sorry for your loss. In true big girl fashion, your post has actually made me somewhat tearful. You will bawl your eyes out at the funeral but you'll be stronger for it. Deliver a eulogy at the funeral and say what you've told us as that too will give you strength. Good luck pal.
Thanks for that. Yup, as the youngest member of the family who knows where the pen is (or actually, being more used to public speaking than the others) it will fall to me to deliver that eulogy. It probably will not have too much of the above text, but will have elements and reminders for many at the event.
I am actually looking forward to it in a wierd way. Not just cathartic for me, but it may help others. To me it came as no surprise he has gone being with him at the hospital every day and watching him deteriorate. For those that have not seen that, his passing will have been much more shocking - as has been proven in the contacts today, and they will need some support.
They need to know it was right, timely and that he was at peace to add to the memories that will be raised in the short time that I will have whilst holding it all together on the day.
Thanks to all for your good wishes and support. Sorry if I triggered some sad memories in the original post for some of you.
I am not doing bad, but mainly because I have to be positive for others that are a bit crumbly and the fact that I am off my feet at work. I managed to sing along with Tears in Heaven on the radio on the way back from the hospital without breaking down, so I guess I will be ok whilst remaining positive. The quiet moments are the worst - going to bed last night was not the greatest, and I think Friday night could be a bit grim - we tended to catch up at the end of each week at least, wherever in the world I was. It will hit me hard at some stage, but at the moment I am dealing with it.
Funeral is next Thursday. That will be a toughy. I will be writing a eulogy, but I have to consider that even though I have special moments with him, others will have too, including my two older brothers and mum. At present, one is in floods of tears all the time, and the other permanently pissed, so I guess I will have to speak for them. Each to their own I guess.
Weekend will be over to mums and get the order of service booklet built to her wishes and off to the printers, and the music CD for the service. He had a very varied taste in music, so it could be anything from Hoagy Charmichael to Queen or Adele when I dig the paperwork out of the safe!
I hope it is the Birdy Song or Agadoo rather than Bet Bloody Midler again!.
Cheers all, remembering the good times...
I am not doing bad, but mainly because I have to be positive for others that are a bit crumbly and the fact that I am off my feet at work. I managed to sing along with Tears in Heaven on the radio on the way back from the hospital without breaking down, so I guess I will be ok whilst remaining positive. The quiet moments are the worst - going to bed last night was not the greatest, and I think Friday night could be a bit grim - we tended to catch up at the end of each week at least, wherever in the world I was. It will hit me hard at some stage, but at the moment I am dealing with it.
Funeral is next Thursday. That will be a toughy. I will be writing a eulogy, but I have to consider that even though I have special moments with him, others will have too, including my two older brothers and mum. At present, one is in floods of tears all the time, and the other permanently pissed, so I guess I will have to speak for them. Each to their own I guess.
Weekend will be over to mums and get the order of service booklet built to her wishes and off to the printers, and the music CD for the service. He had a very varied taste in music, so it could be anything from Hoagy Charmichael to Queen or Adele when I dig the paperwork out of the safe!
I hope it is the Birdy Song or Agadoo rather than Bet Bloody Midler again!.
Cheers all, remembering the good times...
ctsdave said:
Really sorry for your loss OP - the words here have me in tears! I lost my dad last November to cancer - he was only 52 and was my best friend. Like you, he taught me so much, was a self made man (I'm now continuing his business) and taught me pretty much everything I know. One thing I will say is, don't try to be strong for others - look after yourself (I'm finding this out the hard way!!) and try to visit your mam as often as possible! My parents were together 30+ years and to say my mam is lost is somewhat of an understatement - so your mam will no doubt be the same or worse!
Take joy from the good memories, try not to dwell on the bad. If there's anything you can keep as good reminders - keep them. I've sold my race car to race dads - couldn't bare to sell it in the end! Make the funeral a celabration of his life - I'm sure he'd rather everyone remember the good times!
Oh, and raise a glass to him on Friday when you'd normally see him, I'm sure he'll look down with a smile as he's supping his glass upstairs!
Sincere condolences, Dave.
Nasty illness, and way too young. I feel for you.Take joy from the good memories, try not to dwell on the bad. If there's anything you can keep as good reminders - keep them. I've sold my race car to race dads - couldn't bare to sell it in the end! Make the funeral a celabration of his life - I'm sure he'd rather everyone remember the good times!
Oh, and raise a glass to him on Friday when you'd normally see him, I'm sure he'll look down with a smile as he's supping his glass upstairs!
Sincere condolences, Dave.
By the way, my dad didn't drink. He gave up when he started his business before the money started coming in properly. And the reason?...
He couldn't afford to drink and put petrol in the car to take his family out, so he didn't drink any more.
About a week before he died, we were in the hospital and he said "I could murder a brown ale" and he meant it. I said I would take him one in, but he said no, we could all go to the pub with the nursing staff when he got out. The worst part of that was, I knew by then he wasn't coming out.
One night, still knowing he was not gonna make it, I sat with him for an hour, with him struggling to breathe and talking to me through a two sources of oxygen and all sorts of other intravenous kit, listening to him planning for the future, and my lying through my teeth to try to keep him positive. If you want a lesson in holding it all together, give that a go. It was a bit of a mess in the car park later I can tell you...
Tomorrow's the day at 1:45.
I have been celebrating his entire life rather than focusing on my loss, and it seems to work. Sure, I have been very busy at work with 3 shows in 5 days at different venues, and a lot of other stuff. I have visited him twice in the chapel of rest for a natter in the 5 days he has been available there (which is quite a way from me or it would have been a bit more often), and to update him on how Mum is doing. I have been doing quite a bit with her too.
The odd thing is, all has been ok with the old emotions so far. Tomorrow is the big test at the crematorium. I have a 7 minute eulogy to read, but frankly I do not see it being a problem. I have written it, edited and re-edited it, rehearsed and rehearsed over the last week, and I am having no problems - but it is a pretty positive and supportive speech I guess.
It is not that it has not hit home - it did that straight away when he stopped breathing. Perhaps it is because I have absolutely no guilt or regrets that we could have done it better together - maybe unlike my brothers who may well have regrets, and have either climbed into a bottle, or are bursting into tears every 5 minutes. I had some tears when he had just died, and I had to say goodbye when I left his room. I had a couple more (stifled) visiting him at the chapel of rest with my daughters who were in bits and their grief affected me - but I needed to be strong for them, which was hard, but I think I got away with it.
But I feel kind of "guilty" after the brilliant life we shared, and the fact that I am not beside myself with grief and missing him. It's bloody odd, not at all what I have feared for years.
Guess there is still time, but there is absolutely no sign. I can talk about him in any way I want with anyone who will listen and be ok - I am not in denial - far from it, everyone must be pissed off with me going on about him. I know what happened, I know that it was his time, and probably the best for him not to continue. But I just don't understand not being devastated - everyone else is.
Wierd.
I have been celebrating his entire life rather than focusing on my loss, and it seems to work. Sure, I have been very busy at work with 3 shows in 5 days at different venues, and a lot of other stuff. I have visited him twice in the chapel of rest for a natter in the 5 days he has been available there (which is quite a way from me or it would have been a bit more often), and to update him on how Mum is doing. I have been doing quite a bit with her too.
The odd thing is, all has been ok with the old emotions so far. Tomorrow is the big test at the crematorium. I have a 7 minute eulogy to read, but frankly I do not see it being a problem. I have written it, edited and re-edited it, rehearsed and rehearsed over the last week, and I am having no problems - but it is a pretty positive and supportive speech I guess.
It is not that it has not hit home - it did that straight away when he stopped breathing. Perhaps it is because I have absolutely no guilt or regrets that we could have done it better together - maybe unlike my brothers who may well have regrets, and have either climbed into a bottle, or are bursting into tears every 5 minutes. I had some tears when he had just died, and I had to say goodbye when I left his room. I had a couple more (stifled) visiting him at the chapel of rest with my daughters who were in bits and their grief affected me - but I needed to be strong for them, which was hard, but I think I got away with it.
But I feel kind of "guilty" after the brilliant life we shared, and the fact that I am not beside myself with grief and missing him. It's bloody odd, not at all what I have feared for years.
Guess there is still time, but there is absolutely no sign. I can talk about him in any way I want with anyone who will listen and be ok - I am not in denial - far from it, everyone must be pissed off with me going on about him. I know what happened, I know that it was his time, and probably the best for him not to continue. But I just don't understand not being devastated - everyone else is.
Wierd.
Thanks for all the thoughts and good wishes folks. Sorry about not replying earlier, it's been a bit mental with the funeral, work commitments and my wife's birthday yesterday.
Thursday went as well as could be expected, packed chapel, not a dry eye in the house etc. Got something in my eye a couple of times, but no drama or floods. Lots from others. Did a SEVEN minute eulogy on his life, and trying to help people focus on his life rather than his passing which seemed to lift people. then straight onto Psalm 23, which kind of spoiled the moment... It wasn't difficult to keep it all together, maybe as I do a lot of public speaking, the lack of nerves helped.
I have been thinking about this lack of emotion compared to the mess I thought I would be when dreading his passing for years. I don't feel numb, and I fully realise that he has gone - it registered when I saw him stop breathing. It seems that I was probably closest to my dad than anyone - doing stuff for each other through our whole lives together. Whether with my previous wife, or current wife, our parents have spent more times with us than anyone. They came to us for Christmases, Easters, gatherings during the year (BBQs parties, birthdays etc) and we got on holiday together at times too. If they needed stuff doing, we did it etc. I think this is why I am feeling the way I do - there is no guilt that I could have done more.
When I look at some of the people who are not in control of their grief, it seems that they all have regrets that they could have done more, spent more time with him, shared a little more rather than taking all the time. Everyone will miss him and feel sad, but I think that personally, I can feel that we shared our lives together, and not just the time when he was giving me my start in life. I can take strength from that, and understand that we had the best times and there was not a lot more we could have done together - no guilt, just happy memories.
Now I need to focus on my Mum. She is coping, but having had him around for 65 years of her 80, it is gonna be really hard for her. Lots of people are visiting during the day, but the evenongs are lonely for her. It's her birthday next weekend, which is not going to be too good. My wife has only known my dad for 10 years, but even when she was making tea at the funeral, she was getting his sorted out first, and generally looking for him during the day. That is how close he became to people in a very short time.
Thursday went as well as could be expected, packed chapel, not a dry eye in the house etc. Got something in my eye a couple of times, but no drama or floods. Lots from others. Did a SEVEN minute eulogy on his life, and trying to help people focus on his life rather than his passing which seemed to lift people. then straight onto Psalm 23, which kind of spoiled the moment... It wasn't difficult to keep it all together, maybe as I do a lot of public speaking, the lack of nerves helped.
I have been thinking about this lack of emotion compared to the mess I thought I would be when dreading his passing for years. I don't feel numb, and I fully realise that he has gone - it registered when I saw him stop breathing. It seems that I was probably closest to my dad than anyone - doing stuff for each other through our whole lives together. Whether with my previous wife, or current wife, our parents have spent more times with us than anyone. They came to us for Christmases, Easters, gatherings during the year (BBQs parties, birthdays etc) and we got on holiday together at times too. If they needed stuff doing, we did it etc. I think this is why I am feeling the way I do - there is no guilt that I could have done more.
When I look at some of the people who are not in control of their grief, it seems that they all have regrets that they could have done more, spent more time with him, shared a little more rather than taking all the time. Everyone will miss him and feel sad, but I think that personally, I can feel that we shared our lives together, and not just the time when he was giving me my start in life. I can take strength from that, and understand that we had the best times and there was not a lot more we could have done together - no guilt, just happy memories.
Now I need to focus on my Mum. She is coping, but having had him around for 65 years of her 80, it is gonna be really hard for her. Lots of people are visiting during the day, but the evenongs are lonely for her. It's her birthday next weekend, which is not going to be too good. My wife has only known my dad for 10 years, but even when she was making tea at the funeral, she was getting his sorted out first, and generally looking for him during the day. That is how close he became to people in a very short time.
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