How do you deal with messy drawn out situations?

[LeeThr]

This is a bit of a long drawn out messy story, but just wondered if anybody has any similar experiences/advice.

I'm currently in the middle of taking my ex partner to court to find out if I have a daughter or not. She's turned into a real nasty piece of work.

We were together up until July when she was around 7 & a half months pregnant, when in the space of 4 days we went from being perfectly happy & fine to her being with some other lad within the space of about 4 days. Didn't even tell me it was over, just ignored me for a few days then all of a sudden on Facebook it was "in a relationship with dhead" suddenly blocked on everything to the point I couldn't even phone her unless I put my number on withheld. It's just gotten worse & worse since. After thinking about things and from what I knew & what I found out, the dates don't add up for the baby to be mine by nearly 3 weeks & there's potentially 4 different dad's to the little girl in question, at the time she got pregnant me & her wernt together so she was free to do as she wished but from what I found out sounds like she became the village bike. However up until this point I hadn't clicked, and she was adamant the baby was mine, and had told the entire world so.

About 3 weeks before she was due I was unblocked on whatsapp and had a message asking what my plan was once the baby was born. My reply was I wanted a DNA test due to dates not adding up etc, and she took great offence to this, started coming out with all sorts, "it didn't matter what the dates where, the baby is defiantly mine", "she knew I wasn't going to step up and be a father" and "I couldn't accept the baby being mine so I had to make all this st up about a DNA test". She turned around and said "I was going to get nothing & like it" and she'd given me plenty of chances but now I wasn't going to be involved at all. And suddenly I was blocked again.

Baby was born 2 weeks premature on the 28th of August, and one of her friends really angered me that night, I found out she was going around telling everybody that the baby was mine but i'd said I wanted nothing to do with her at all. Had a solicitor involved pretty much straight away, and she received the first letter from him about a week & a half after she was born, and I got a nasty phone call asking "what did I think I was playing at" and then suddenly in the course of that phone call after 8 months or so of telling everybody she was mine, she suddenly changed her tune to "she's not yours" and "why should she give me a DNA test after everything I did". After that call I got in touch with the solicitor and told him what had happened and he said he was going to give her a couple of days to calm down and then send out a second letter basically explaining that if she wasn't going to play nice and volunteer then we would be making a court application. She phoned him directly after receiving that one and basically said she wasn't going to agree to anything and the baby's defiantly not mine and hung up on him which he was more than impressed with... Not.

So the court applications been filled & was sent off last week & it's just a waiting game now for a court date. But the longer this drags out for the harder things seem to be getting. I can count on one hand the number of pictures i've seen, but im glad in a way as I know if I see more I'll start to get attached and then if the DNA comes back as she isn't it's going to make it even harder. But I also keep getting told about things she's getting up to (There's a lot of common people in our friends circle so things do get back to me) and there really a cause for concern, such as taking a new born baby out to the boy racer car park meets at night. And a few other things.

It's just getting harder to cope with it day in day out, it's the only thing that's playing on my mind, whenever that test happens, my life could potentially completely change, and until I have that answer I've had to pretty much put my life on hold. Friends keep asking me about booking things for the next year and it's just a constant reminder about the situation when I have to say no or ask me closer to the time, because I simply can't commit to anything until I know what the situation will be.

Given the dates & the fact that the date she was with one of the other potentials ties in too well with her due date, i'm 99% certain she isn't mine, the what if she is has been at the back of my mind, but as each day passes it comes further & further forward. I've tried to keep myself busy and keep my mind of it, but it's not easy, and it's affecting my sleep as well, i'm lucky if I see more than 4/5 hours a night and that's if i've really worn myself out throughout the day. It's not easy at all, and the closer it's getting to Christmas the more reality's setting in. I really hope I have an answer by then, especially more so if she does turn out to be mine. I'll never forgive my ex ever if thanks to her stupidity/selfishness I have to miss my Daughter's first Christmas when all of this could have been sorted months ago.

Anybody on here ever been in a similar situation? How did you get through it?

[LeeThr]

The child's called Scarlett, she also gave her my mums middle name as well which was my idea in the first place. She isn't a money orientated person, her whole family lives on benefits and smoke like absolutely chimneys so she's been brought up being used to going without, which is the only reason I can think of why she hasn't pursued CSA as I do have 2 jobs as well as being a full time uni student i'd get hit like anything.

She was so adamant the child in question was mine she went behind my back to tell both my mum & dad that she was expecting when I was no where near.

Given the situation it would be better if she wasn't mine, but I need an answer in black & white either way. I can't just go through life with a massive "what if" hanging over me. Plus I can guarantee if I did, in about 16 years time i'd have some random girl on my door step looking for her dad. But if she does turn out to be mine I will make sure I do everything I can to support the little girl, and get as much access as I can.

Regarding dates, she was 2 weeks premature, when I was with her and going to midwife appointments etc, I've seen the due date recorded in the book, she was due on the 11th of September, and she arrived on the 28th of August. I spoke to my god mother who's worked in ultrasound for 20+ years, and asked her about conception dates and she said from her due date she would have conceived around the 12th of December, give or take a week. The last time I slept with her before she knew she was pregnant was the 28th of November, and she admitted she was with someone else on the 18th of December. So it is very very unlikely. But as I said after everything that's gone on I just need a black and white definitive answer.

[LeeThr]

I've asked and she's refused, so a court application has been made and sent off, which will issue a court order that she has to perform a test, if not then she's in contempt of court. I will get an answer it's just a question of when.

As unlikely as it is, I just can't drop it until I have a black and white answer. At least then I can go knock a few people off there high perches and put them in their place. But until then im just another "waste of a space sperm doner" even though it's her that's engineered this situation not me.

[LeeThr]

PurpleMoonlight said:

I will be interested to know if the Court will force the test if she verbally testifies that you are not the father.

My solicitor said given the messages i've passed on from conversations between me & her discussing everything, and that she has left the father blank on the birth certificate and given the causes for concerns we have highlighted then they will issue an order, even more so if she doesn't turn up to the court date, but he said even if she does all it's going to do is make that session last a little longer whilst they listen to whatever made up rubbish she comes up with that day. I've got plenty of messages etc that show her one minute admitting I am the father, then the next showing doubts. Like I said it's not a question of if a test will happen, it's just when.

[LeeThr]

ali_kat said:

I'm a little confused.

She said it was yours until the little girl was born.

Once she was born she said that Scarlett wasn't yours

Whose name is on Scarlett's Birth Certifate as Father? If it isn't you, why do you care about a DNA test? You know from conception dates she isn't yours & CSA can't come after you (IIRC) without proof of paternity (unless you were married to the mother or are named on the BC)

Gov.uk said:

Unmarried parents

The details of both parents can be included on the birth certificate if one of the following happens:

• they sign the birth register together
• one parent completes a statutory declaration of parentage form and the other takes the signed form to register the birth
• one parent goes to register the birth with a document from the court (eg a court order) giving the father parental responsibility

The mother can choose to register the birth on her own if she isn’t married to the child’s father. The father’s details won’t be included on the birth certificate.

It might be possible to add the father’s details at a later date by completing an application for the re-registration of a child’s birth.

There's nobody named on the birth certificate as the father. She's only said to me and my solicitor after receiving letters asking her to volunteer to a dna test. But from what i've been hearing she's still telling other people that I am in fact the father but I want nothing to do.

[LeeThr]

PurpleMoonlight said:

LeeThr said:

There's nobody named on the birth certificate as the father. She's only said to me and my solicitor after receiving letters asking her to volunteer to a dna test. But from what i've been hearing she's still telling other people that I am in fact the father but I want nothing to do.

If she believes you are the father why didn't she ask you to go with her to register the birth and be noted on the birth certificate?

Because she's trying to play god with the child & I have a message somewhere where she says something along the lines of "even if I am her father im having nothing to do with her"

[LeeThr]

hornetrider said:

t400ble said:

Let her tell people what she wants, you know the truth.

Doesn't always work like that. Why would the OP want an unpleasant untrue rumour spread by some scumbag?

Exactly, at present im stuck where I am so I couldn't just walk away and start fresh from it all for a while yet.

Muzzer79 said:

LeeThr said:

She isn't a money orientated person

Much to learn, young Skywalker.

You seem to be very bothered about the fact she's been saying various things to various people, when all the evidence points to you not being the Father of the child.

Disassociate yourself from the problem. It's virtually guaranteed that you're not the father, so start focusing on your own life without this woman and her offspring and just wait for the court to do it's thing in the background.

There's no point stressing about something which you already know the answer to.

(seems like a win for you if you're not the Dad btw)

All the dates/evidence does point to her not being mine, but I had months of trying to get my head around the fact I was going to be a father, and now trying to get that out of my head isn't easy. It's just something constantly playing on my mind, especially when I get other people who i've explained the situation to coming back and telling me they think she looks like me.

And yes, the ultimate in this situation is that the little girl in question isn't mine, at least that way I can cut all ties once and for all with my ex & move on with my life.

[LeeThr]

northwest monkey said:

Impasse said:

The father would need to have been present at the registering for his name to appear on the certificate.

Is that right?

What happens if Dad is in the Army & gets blown up while Mum is pregnant?

It is, but there are certain circumstances where a father can be registered if there is a genuine reason and sufficient evidence can be provided as to why he can't be present.

[LeeThr]

Ari said:

LeeThr said:

My solicitor said given the messages i've passed on from conversations between me & her discussing everything, and that she has left the father blank on the birth certificate and given the causes for concerns we have highlighted then they will issue an order, even more so if she doesn't turn up to the court date, but he said even if she does all it's going to do is make that session last a little longer whilst they listen to whatever made up rubbish she comes up with that day. I've got plenty of messages etc that show her one minute admitting I am the father, then the next showing doubts. Like I said it's not a question of if a test will happen, it's just when.

So what happened OP?

The court application papers have been sent off, so we're just waiting for a court date now for directions.

[LeeThr]

Thanks, and I'm really not sure, since she went off with her current fella, and I actually sat down and did all the maths i've been 99.9% certain she won't be mine, it's just that .1% what if that keeps playing on my mind.

[LeeThr]

Ari said:

That's understandable. But believe me, if there was a realistic chance it was yours she would be all over you for money. That's what this has been all about.

I suspect you won't ever get your DNA test either to be honest.

I think she might have been if she wasn't with this current lad, he seems to be made of money even though since he came up to this part of the country in February he hasn't worked a single day.

The DNA test will happen, it's just a question of when rather than if. Solicitors said given all the messages i've passed on there's no doubt about there being a need for one, and the first hearing will simply be for directions on paternity. I'm hoping she does what im expecting and for her to just not turn up to it. Will save me a bit of money with not needing court representation for as long.

If she does turn up all it's going to do is make the hearing last a bit longer whilst we all listen to what ever rubish she can make up on the day and still have the same outcome of a court order that a DNA test has to happen. My solicotor said once that court order has been made if she still doesn't want to play ball then it get's serious as she's then in contempt of court. But what usually happens is they issue an order that a test has to happen usually within 21-28 days of the court order being made, but if she doesn't comply then social services end up going to knock on the door to see what she's playing at and make the test happen.

[LeeThr]

parakitaMol. said:

How to deal with this?

I'd say a bare knuckle fight on the Jeremy Kyle show should sort it.

Are you related to Ronnie Pickering by any chance?

[LeeThr]

Ari said:

LeeThr said:

My solicotor said once that court order has been made if she still doesn't want to play ball then it get's serious as she's then in contempt of court. But what usually happens is they issue an order that a test has to happen usually within 21-28 days of the court order being made, but if she doesn't comply then social services end up going to knock on the door to see what she's playing at and make the test happen.

And if she refuses? What are they going to do, pin her to the floor?

Sorry, but I really can't see that you can legally force a paternity test on a woman if she has no interest in providing it. What law has she broken?

I don't know what action they will take.

But she really has no say in it, in the Law's eye's it's the child's right to a relationship with a parent, not the parent's right to a relationship with the child.

[LeeThr]

Ari said:

LeeThr said:

I don't know what action they will take.

But she really has no say in it, in the Law's eye's it's the child's right to a relationship with a parent, not the parent's right to a relationship with the child.

I'm no legal expert, and no doubt your solicitor is so I'm probably talking nonsense. I can see how that would be the case in the event of (say) a divorcing couple whereby the mother suddenly tries to claim the father isn't the father (if you see what I mean). But if she simply says she was lying and you are not the father, what right do you have to insist on the test?

As I say, I'm not an expert, and your solicitor is obviously giving you far better advice than I could, but I should be interested to her how this pans out for you and whether you do ultimately get it.

Either way, I'd make a sizeable bet you won't end up as the father - she'd be all over the CSA wanting to claim from you if she thought you were.

Well i've got all the messages and other bits and pieces from the last couple of years showing us having been together etc, and messages where she's gone from saying the baby's someone else's to being very very insistent on being mine. Including the last conversation me & her had before the baby was born where I questioned it & she got very defensive and said "she's yours no matter what you say, but if you can't face up to it then fine you'll get nothing" She's been adamant the baby's mine since she was about 3 months pregnant, and didn't change up until she had the letters from my solicitor after the baby was born.

But like I've said previously, she's only said she isn't too me & my solicitor, from what i've heard she's still telling everybody else that I am the father but I want nothing to do with her.

[LeeThr]

Just too add an update to this if anybody's interested. Over the weekend she split up with her current partner Friday night (but it must have just been an argument as by this morning according to the world of facebook there back together)

But within a few hours of her not being with him, she started texting/whatsapping me asking if I was awake at about 3:45am Saturday, followed by she needed to ask me something then another message with just a few "?" and then by Saturday evening I was unblocked on facebook and she sent me a message "can I ask you something" then followed by "you can have a dna test but you gotta go through me not solicitors"

I haven't replied to any of them, but taken screenshots and sent them on this morning, but as my solicotor is now off until the 4th of January nothings really going to change for a while. I don't trust her one bit at all, knowing her it's probably she says that so I drop the court case and then she "changes" her mind back again leaving me looking stupid and back to square one.

It's just strange how the last contact from her was a phone call to my solicitor where she declared the baby definitely wasn't mine, but then out of the blue comes running "offering" me a DNA test?

[LeeThr]

cirian75 said:

just stick to the legal channels and plan, if you don't she will bail again, and leave you swinging in the breeze.

That's what im doing, I do not trust her at all. I informed my solicotors this morning just to keep them in the loop & obviously this will help swing things in court as to the uncertainty as she's gone from declaring I have nothing to do to now supposedly offering the test.

But I made it clear to them I wanted to continue the same way as we had been as at least that way it's all done via the correct legal channels, everything's noted and the correct action will be taken.

[LeeThr]

Well things just get better...

Arrived home from work this evening to find my mum in tears to be informed over the weekend the baby's passed away

My heads all over the place now

[LeeThr]

PurpleMoonlight said:

LeeThr said:

Well things just get better...

Arrived home from work this evening to find my mum in tears to be informed over the weekend the baby's passed away

My heads all over the place now

Is it true though?

Unfortunately yes

[LeeThr]

Well I ended up going too see my ex last night, and for once we had a grown up civil conversation. We've come to some sort of agreement, but i'll never get a definite answer now. I could if I pushed it through court but it's just going to cause more hassle than it's worth and it's not really going to change anything now either.

But at least this way I can go to the funeral, and she's going to pass on a few of her things for me to keep as well. And in some way I might get some closure on the whole situation, even just between me & her, the way things "ended" in July just left it very unfinished and we haven't really spoken since. So maybe now whilst things are civil and after the funeral I can finally put everything to rest & try to get my life back on track.

Certainly a very odd set of circumstances but life in general is just odd.

[LeeThr]

Well the funeral's tomorrow at 11am. The last 2 weeks seem to have been so long, yet gone so quickly at the same time. The hours just seem to be slipping by getting quicker by the minute & bringing it all ever closer

Tomorrow is probably going to be one of the hardest/longest/strangest days of my life, and yet in some odd way it also marks the end of another chapter in my life.