Stupidest/Funniest Sexual Moment

[smutbag]

It's friday and PH has yet to have a thread to put a smile on my face (whats wrong people?!).

What's the stupidest thing you have done/had done to you or happened whilst in the heat of the moment?

I can remember once being rather caught up in the moment to realise that my then boyfriends jack russell had gotten into the room and was paws propped up on the boyf ass bobbing up and down in time...one of the funniest things I have ever seen. Althought I suppose the boyf must have felt the dog jump up and carried on anyway, pervert.

We did chuck the dog out the room btw...no jokes about animal sex you dirty fkers.

[smutbag]

Donut said:

I was once giving this bird some length, when would you belive it!

My little Jack Russel jumped onto my bobbing ass! she found it funny but I got a strange sensation, which I enjoyed, so now me and the 'jack' have a special relationship, can't have him in the room now when me and the bird do it, he dosen't like me two timing him!

[smutbag]

Vesuvius 996 said:

At a wedding of a Scottish friend and Gleneagles Hotel. Kilted up.

Managed to convince a girl to stay in my room that night.

Got her back to the room. Went to the bathroom to brush the teeth before getting down to it. Emerge from the bathroom to find her spread eagled naked on the top of the crisp white bed with her legs wide open.

I run towards the bed and leap Superman-like onto it, skidding across the pristine sheets. My kilt rides up around my middle, exposing my bare ar5e, whereupon I leave a three foot long "ginger wheelspin" of st on the bedcovers.

She leaves.

Edited by Vesuvius 996 on Friday 25th July 15:24

Tea. On Keyboard. On Screen.

Please tell me you took the sheets off the bed? Or did you roll over and go to sleep in the st?

[smutbag]

blindswelledrat said:

Smutbag, out if interest, do you like your food, if you get my drift?

Blindswelledrate, out of interest, do you have to compensate with your fingers, if you get my drift?"

ETA - No I'm not fat or even close to it.

Edited by smutbag on Friday 25th July 15:44

[smutbag]

Justayellowbadge said:

smutbag said:

blindswelledrat said:

Smutbag, out if interest, do you like your food, if you get my drift?

Blindswelledrate, out of interest, do you have to compensate with your fingers, if you get my drift?"

Bit harsh, Smutters.

I read it as a genuine question, presumably prompted by Sir Rodney Of Rammage, who's hands are obviously too occupied to type since this thread began.

Edited by Justayellowbadge on Friday 25th July 15:46

I thought, well it's obvious how I read it. If thats not, I apologise for suggesting BSR is/had a small knob. Shall I hand out a few lines about not being the size of the wave but the motion of the ocean etc or just give up now?

Perhaps I'll just slope off with my (jack russells) tail between my legs instead...

[smutbag]

cornishgirl said:

I was going to post my naughty beach story but reading above I cannot begin to compete with Vesuvius.
So I'll just leave a instead.

Come'on cornishgirl, bring it on!

[smutbag]

blindswelledrat said:

Mikeyboy said:

blindswelledrat said:

Mikeyboy said:

smutbag said:

blindswelledrat said:

Smutbag, out if interest, do you like your food, if you get my drift?

Blindswelledrate, out of interest, do you have to compensate with your fingers, if you get my drift?"

ETA - No I'm not fat or even close to it.

You do realize that she is unlikely to have sex with you just because you have giggled at her average joke don't you?

Oh christ, did I just waste that smilie then?

I did say unlikely....not impossible.
Its a bit of a Catch-22 though. If she is slim and attractive the 'unlikely' is increased to 'no chance whatsoever' but if she is big and fat with a beard the unlikey is reduced to 'A couple more smilies and she's yours in return for a fish supper'

Only if you put pickled eggs on the side and make it an extra large portion of chips

[smutbag]

Justayellowbadge said:

blindswelledrat said:

Such an embarrassingly obvious lie.
It was OK that you hid under the bed when the BF came home, but then you just had to milk it and milk it and milk it.


Of course you wanked all over a dogs nose and then it pushed your seed inside another bloke. Massively believable.

He was wearing a kilt, too.

He is a kilt wearing beastial porridge pusher....

[smutbag]

Brabus Jord said:

Bonnie and Clyde said:

Cara Van Man said:

Bonnie and Clyde said:

SpydieNut said:

Bonnie and Clyde said:

Cara Van Man said:

fking hell. How big was it?

You Your friend must have an arse like the Dartford tunnel.

It was only a clit stimulator. About 2 inches long by a cm wide (she said)

Jesus man - don't you know what a tongue's for?????

Yeah but he cant stick his tongue up your starfish while his shlong's lodged up your lady bum

Has he never heard of doing yoga?

Not a very modern man is he, your her man?

I dont want a modern man. I like my old fashoned man. Drinks beer, watches football, drives fast cars, rodgers his woman. F&&K yoga. No woman wants a nancy boy

you and smutbag sound great!

Why thank you

[smutbag]

Bonnie and Clyde said:

Would'nt that be difficult to nosh?

Like your style! Great minds think alike and all that.

[smutbag]

spacedstar said:

No, I was 18 when we met, he was 24. We have been together for 12 years, married for 4. He remained a virgin for 31 days when we met. He was a tough nut to crack, which made me want him all the more

Did you put on your crotchless burberry's? They'd have done the trick!