In sickness and in health...

[RemainAllHoof]

Just wondering, on a quiet Sunday... if you're in a long term relationship (living together, perhaps you have children, you may be married) and one partner has a long term debilitating illness (eg MS, IBS, vertigo, alcoholism) which massively impacts both your lives and may require on-going care and stops the pair from enjoying activities a "normal" couple may do, how does the healthy partner cope and stay when the person they first met was perfectly healthy? Is it simply the love they have for that person which is reflected back and makes it worthwhile? A sense of duty? Something else?

Furthermore, what if your unwell partner was always grumpy due to the nature of the illness, would you feel less inclined to stay?

Edited by RemainAllHoof on Sunday 19th June 17:43

[Jasandjules]

If you love someone then that is all there is to it. You stay with them because you want to regardless of their ill health.

Life can be cruel at times, but you just have to get on with it.

[RemainAllHoof]

Jasandjules said:

If you love someone then that is all there is to it. You stay with them because you want to regardless of their ill health.

Life can be cruel at times, but you just have to get on with it.

Thanks for the reply. Was expecting more replies!

I agree in principle but if your partner is suffering a chronic illness and is always angry because of it, taking it out on you, how long will your love last?

[Thom987]

True love knows no bounds.

[s-w-p]

If things were that bad, and with no sign of improvement, then maybe someone in that position would want to think about support? - either from a carer's support group or some sort of counselling? Perhaps some outside support for the person suffering too? Just a thought.

[RemainAllHoof]

Thom987 said:

True love knows no bounds.

If the love appears to be a one way street, then could that love start to know a boundary?

[Xtriple129]

I don't know why my missus stays with me - she's 15 years younger and quite a looker while I'm 50 and falling apart.

I've acquired a crumbling spine and arthritus in my hips and knees which makes walking/ sitting/ anything painful. I'm on Morphine 3 times a day and generally a right miserable bd. I hate walking with a stick and having to give up biking/ green laning/car resto's and so I do take it out on her.

Why she sticks around is a complete mystery but I'm bloody glad she does!

[RemainAllHoof]

Xtriple129 said:

I don't know why my missus stays with me - she's 15 years younger and quite a looker while I'm 50 and falling apart.

I've acquired a crumbling spine and arthritus in my hips and knees which makes walking/ sitting/ anything painful. I'm on Morphine 3 times a day and generally a right miserable bd. I hate walking with a stick and having to give up biking/ green laning/car resto's and so I do take it out on her.

Why she sticks around is a complete mystery but I'm bloody glad she does!

Sorry to hear you're in that state health-wise. It's the kind of thing I am thinking about but I daren't ask you to ask her.

[Thom987]

RemainAllHoof said:

Thom987 said:

True love knows no bounds.

If the love appears to be a one way street, then could that love start to know a boundary?

I would hope not and I sincerely hope neither of us are ever in a position to find out.

[neilski]

Selective quoting but....

RemainAllHoof said:

if your....partner was always grumpy....would you feel less inclined to stay?

Yes.

[Funk]

My mum is going through exactly this. Her partner of 7 years has developed Parkinsons with, the docs suspect, dementia. She's finding it very hard to deal with 'losing' him, and finding herself unexpectedly in the role of carer,

[RemainAllHoof]

Thom987 said:

I would hope not and I sincerely hope neither of us are ever in a position to find out.

Of course re finding out. I just wonder how much someone could take and also should they be expected to take. We promise to be there in sickness and in health - but if one partner is always taking it out on the other, then it can be hard for the other person.

[RemainAllHoof]

neilski said:

Yes.

Mmm.

[RemainAllHoof]

Funk said:

My mum is going through exactly this. Her partner of 7 years has developed Parkinsons with, the docs suspect, dementia. She's finding it very hard to deal with 'losing' him, and finding herself unexpectedly in the role of carer,

I guess that is another aspect - you talk about "losing" him, I can only guess what it must feel like.

[neilski]

RemainAllHoof said:

neilski said:

Yes.

Mmm.

I don't know your situation but I once went out with a lass who was both gorgeous, happy & outgoing and the most fun you could possibly imagine. We got married and almost overnight she changed into the most miserable (money grabbing) person I've ever met in my life. It didn't last.

You only get one life, don't waste it....

[Funk]

RemainAllHoof said:

Funk said:

My mum is going through exactly this. Her partner of 7 years has developed Parkinsons with, the docs suspect, dementia. She's finding it very hard to deal with 'losing' him, and finding herself unexpectedly in the role of carer,

I guess that is another aspect - you talk about "losing" him, I can only guess what it must feel like.

It's what she's finding hardest of all. He isn't the man she met, the man she wanted to spend the rest of her life with. The one thing that keeps her going is knowing that were the situations reversed, he'd be there for her without question.

[Thom987]

RemainAllHoof said:

Thom987 said:

I would hope not and I sincerely hope neither of us are ever in a position to find out.

Of course re finding out. I just wonder how much someone could take and also should they be expected to take. We promise to be there in sickness and in health - but if one partner is always taking it out on the other, then it can be hard for the other person.

Of course its hard on the other person, but you have to remember why you are there in the first place. Maybe get some help, but dont walk away.

[Steffan]

Judging from the number of relationships that couples have during their lives nowadays and the frequency with which couples break up, change partners, move on, find new playthings etc I think there is very little of the 'In sickness and in health' approach left in society.

Seems to me a change in the wind is enough to end modern relationships.

Everybody wants more and offers less. Takes more and gives less.

We are approaching the point where a long term relationship will be a weekend together. Or possibly an overnighter.

[goldblum]

I went through a rocky patch about ten years ago.I wasn't getting on well with my wife but had been having terrible headaches/dizzyness for a while.

I was diagnosed eventually with a haemangioblastoma - a brain tumour- and had to wait another two months before an op was scheduled.I was told if the tumour

wasn't removed soon it would kill me,one way or another.Oh and I started with epileptic fits as well,due to pressure on the brain.

I was short tempered,listless and nasty because of this for nearly a year,and my personality changed completely.

My wife,somewhat unexpectedly,stuck by me through thick and thin and visited every day after the (successful) op.So much so,in fact,that she exhausted herself

and had to take a break and stayed at her mothers for a week before returning and nursing me back to health.As soon as I returned to a reasonable level of health I

asked her for a divorce,which she agreed to.We are still good friends now.

My point is this:there's times when only you'll know if what your doing is good for you/your mental health..if you don't think so then get the fk out.

[grumbledoak]

Was that not the oath you swore?