Sex after having kids

[CraigNewmarket]

bennno said:

My missus would have flipped out at the very thought of trying to combine those things.

Don't mean at the same time ha

[CraigNewmarket]

768 said:

I find the gaslighting of the OP a bit odd; physical intimacy is clearly important in the relationship to him, critical even, as it is to many men. It's normal. If she doesn't want sex that's for her, but if he wants it, that's for him and if she won't talk it through with him then that's not a sign of a relationship working between them rather than him being individually at fault in some way.

There's probably a long list of things that could help, some of which have been mentioned, but if she's not interested in discussing it, that doesn't leave you many options.

With a 1 year old, I'd be hanging in there. But I can understand not wanting to wait in non-contact silence forever even if other people would be fine with that.

She just says she not bothered for it end of discussion.

[ChocolateFrog]

deckster said:

If you need your partners to "let you" have sex with them then you're doing something wrong.

There's no fking way you've got kids.

[bennno]

More seriously do you ever leave kids with parents to have a night or weekend away? Do you get a babysitter in and go out for a meal?

Does the youngest sleep through in their own room?

Its a lot of work with a 4 and 1 year old, pretty full on, she'll be tired and stressed by the responsibilities, especially if a lack of sleep involved.

Just be supportive, don't pester, talk more

[HRL]

CraigNewmarket said:

Muzzer79 said:

Four pages in and you're still focusing on this one thing that will make you happy.......

She's gone off sex. Not just sex with you, sex in general.

Your relationship has to be about much, much more than that.

It is but the lack of intimacy is overwhelming everything else and making me feel like she doesn't care about me or us as a whole.

Stop being a selfish bd and man the fk up. You do realise that it can, not will, take years for a woman to return to her pre-baby self.

Your desperation for sex is a bit embarrassing TBH, stop going on and on about it with your wife and try to make her feel better even without sex. If you start making her happy again then the sex will eventually follow too, but certainly not if you try to pressure her into it with your “but what about me” BS.

The fact that you’ve already said that you can’t see yourself with her by Christmas if you can’t have sex speaks volumes about you rather than your wife FFS.

[PinkHouse]

All the people telling the OP to get up at 4am to be at her beck and call to earn brownie points and essentially be a good little boy scout are completely missing the point. The most hilarious bit of advice was to read threads on Mumsnet to try to understand the female point of view - I've never seen a wilder goose chase proposed. The one hard and fast rule to understand is that you cannot negotiate desire - no amount of chores would make you more sexually attractive to a woman who doesn't already have that desire for you.

Perhaps the only useful advice I've seen here is to not let your self-worth be tied into the desire of one woman, and stop dwelling in the negativity (much easier said than done). As you've seen from the responses in this thread, as a man that's down/going through a tough experience, 99.9% of the time you're on your own and expected to deal with it and solve whatever you're facing. You may think that showing her how much her behaviour/lack of desire is hurting you then you'll only further make her resent you and find you even less attractive. Most women simply don't have the instinctive urge to help a man out of a difficult situation the way men have the natural instinct to provide for/protect a partner/child, they only have that instinct for a child - who they are definitely not attracted to - so I hope you get the point.

• Essentially you need to focus on making yourself a more attractive and well rounded person, and the most important step is changing your mindset and rebuilding your confidence since you are stuck in essentially a negative feedback loop at home.
• Try throwing yourself into new hobbies/experiences or revitalise old hobbies you were good at and enjoy. Try to build an active social life and friendships, not sure where you are based but essentially put yourself out of your comfort zone and sign up to random things like dance-classes, events, walks etc. Anything that takes your mind away from home and re-discover the fact that life has so much more to offer and get a bit more perspective away from your current doom and gloom mentality
• Prioritise strength training at the gym if you're not already doing so as that on its own can entirely transform how you feel and how attractive you are to other people. You'll be healthier for it as well and there's literally no downsides.

Essentially when you come across as less needy, more confident and having a richer life then everyone would find you more attractive - even your partner - as women like men that other women like. It is also a well known attraction killer when a woman knows that she holds the keys and all the power over you when it comes to sex, like in this situation. Not suggesting any infidelity, but essentially a man with options is always more attractive. While there is a small chance that this might change things for your situation, a small chance is better than absolutely no chance. Even if it doesn't change things with your partner, you might just meet someone else that is attracted to you. I can't think of anything worse than rolling over and accepting a lifetime of resentful celibacy.

[CraigNewmarket]

bennno said:

More seriously do you ever leave kids with parents to have a night or weekend away? Do you get a babysitter in and go out for a meal?

Does the youngest sleep through in their own room?

Its a lot of work with a 4 and 1 year old, pretty full on, she'll be tired and stressed by the responsibilities, especially if a lack of sleep involved.

Just be supportive, don't pester, talk more

The youngest does sleep in his room and sleep through. We do go out on dates say once every 2 months.

[bennno]

CraigNewmarket said:

bennno said:

More seriously do you ever leave kids with parents to have a night or weekend away? Do you get a babysitter in and go out for a meal?

Does the youngest sleep through in their own room?

Its a lot of work with a 4 and 1 year old, pretty full on, she'll be tired and stressed by the responsibilities, especially if a lack of sleep involved.

Just be supportive, don't pester, talk more

The youngest does sleep in his room and sleep through. We do go out on dates say once every 2 months.

I'd not call it a date, try for dinner out or a walk together or sometime without kids either weekly or fortnightly.

Taking your other half out 6 times a year and calling it a date, probably sets an expectation.

Try to perhaps take her out for dinner, or even just for a walk or drink or something at least every other week.

Do you take turns cooking, household chores etc?

Do you eat with the kids or together once they've gone to bed?

[CraigNewmarket]

bennno said:

CraigNewmarket said:

bennno said:

More seriously do you ever leave kids with parents to have a night or weekend away? Do you get a babysitter in and go out for a meal?

Does the youngest sleep through in their own room?

Its a lot of work with a 4 and 1 year old, pretty full on, she'll be tired and stressed by the responsibilities, especially if a lack of sleep involved.

Just be supportive, don't pester, talk more

The youngest does sleep in his room and sleep through. We do go out on dates say once every 2 months.

I'd not call it a date, try for dinner out or a walk together or sometime without kids either weekly or fortnightly.

Taking your other half out 6 times a year and calling it a date, probably sets an expectation.

Try to perhaps take her out for dinner, or even just for a walk or drink or something at least every other week.

Do you take turns cooking, household chores etc?

Do you eat with the kids or together once they've gone to bed?

We eat with the kids then watch tv for an hour than go to bed.

[CraigNewmarket]

PinkHouse said:

All the people telling the OP to get up at 4am to be at her beck and call to earn brownie points and essentially be a good little boy scout are completely missing the point. The most hilarious bit of advice was to read threads on Mumsnet to try to understand the female point of view - I've never seen a wilder goose chase proposed. The one hard and fast rule to understand is that you cannot negotiate desire - no amount of chores would make you more sexually attractive to a woman who doesn't already have that desire for you.

Perhaps the only useful advice I've seen here is to not let your self-worth be tied into the desire of one woman, and stop dwelling in the negativity (much easier said than done). As you've seen from the responses in this thread, as a man that's down/going through a tough experience, 99.9% of the time you're on your own and expected to deal with it and solve whatever you're facing. You may think that showing her how much her behaviour/lack of desire is hurting you then you'll only further make her resent you and find you even less attractive. Most women simply don't have the instinctive urge to help a man out of a difficult situation the way men have the natural instinct to provide for/protect a partner/child, they only have that instinct for a child - who they are definitely not attracted to - so I hope you get the point.

• Essentially you need to focus on making yourself a more attractive and well rounded person, and the most important step is changing your mindset and rebuilding your confidence since you are stuck in essentially a negative feedback loop at home.
• Try throwing yourself into new hobbies/experiences or revitalise old hobbies you were good at and enjoy. Try to build an active social life and friendships, not sure where you are based but essentially put yourself out of your comfort zone and sign up to random things like dance-classes, events, walks etc. Anything that takes your mind away from home and re-discover the fact that life has so much more to offer and get a bit more perspective away from your current doom and gloom mentality
• Prioritise strength training at the gym if you're not already doing so as that on its own can entirely transform how you feel and how attractive you are to other people. You'll be healthier for it as well and there's literally no downsides.

Essentially when you come across as less needy, more confident and having a richer life then everyone would find you more attractive - even your partner - as women like men that other women like. It is also a well known attraction killer when a woman knows that she holds the keys and all the power over you when it comes to sex, like in this situation. Not suggesting any infidelity, but essentially a man with options is always more attractive. While there is a small chance that this might change things for your situation, a small chance is better than absolutely no chance. Even if it doesn't change things with your partner, you might just meet someone else that is attracted to you. I can't think of anything worse than rolling over and accepting a lifetime of resentful celibacy.

Good advice...

[RabidGranny]

HRL said:

CraigNewmarket said:

Muzzer79 said:

Four pages in and you're still focusing on this one thing that will make you happy.......

She's gone off sex. Not just sex with you, sex in general.

Your relationship has to be about much, much more than that.

It is but the lack of intimacy is overwhelming everything else and making me feel like she doesn't care about me or us as a whole.

Stop being a selfish bd and man the fk up. You do realise that it can, not will, take years for a woman to return to her pre-baby self.

Your desperation for sex is a bit embarrassing TBH, stop going on and on about it with your wife and try to make her feel better even without sex. If you start making her happy again then the sex will eventually follow too, but certainly not if you try to pressure her into it with your “but what about me” BS.

The fact that you’ve already said that you can’t see yourself with her by Christmas if you can’t have sex speaks volumes about you rather than your wife FFS.

Brutal. but you are probably right.

OP this has probably been a rather chastening experience, but hopefully you'll realize that alot on here are in the same boat and we worked out what we know now as regards post natal sex a long time ago.

So tips

1. do some heavy lifting around the house
2. dial into the porn
3. look into booking a weekend away somewhere posh, sans the kids. It'll be something for you both to look forward to.

[otolith]

It's hard being a full time mum. Have you suggested that you become a full time dad and she goes back to work full time? I expect she would still want to do some 4am wake-ups and let you have a lie-in at the weekends.

[Pieman68]

CraigNewmarket said:

We've been through this before I said to her if I cleaned the house top to bottom would you want sex. Guess what the answer was

Going back to what you've said before and particularly this - the pressure is still there. You're offering to do chores in exchange for something, and specifically mentioning sex. The impression you give (and if I'm wrong I apologise) is that you are bringing this up regularly in conversation. The only thing you are doing here is building her resentment up, coming across as needy and only looking out for yourself. You're pressuring and manipulating her verbally to try and get your needs met.

Don't ask about doing stuff, don't offer stuff in exchange for you getting what you want - just pitch in a little more, do the odd job without being asked, take the kids out for a day and tell her to just rest, or go and get her hair done, or go to a spa with the girls. But don't follow that up with "and then when you're all relaxed you can put out"

Just give her some time, take the expectation away, take some of the load off her without expecting something in return.

It may not change things - and a grown up conversation may be needed in the future - but with 2 young kids, and especially one of them only a year old, the time for any of that to be a consideration is not now!

[ParkerTalbot]

CraigNewmarket said:

We've been through this before I said to her if I cleaned the house top to bottom would you want sex. Guess what the answer was

This is not a good mindset, it shouldn't be transactional. Do this stuff because you want to, for her, family life, because it makes you feel good about helping out and lightening the load, whatever. I think most women would recoil in horror at this sort of bartering, it'd have the opposite effect of what you were hoping in my opinion.

[PinkHouse]

RabidGranny said:

Brutal. but you are probably right.

OP this has probably been a rather chastening experience, but hopefully you'll realize that alot on here are in the same boat and we worked out what we know now as regards post natal sex a long time ago.

So tips

1. do some heavy lifting around the house
2. dial into the porn
3. look into booking a weekend away somewhere posh, sans the kids. It'll be something for you both to look forward to.

Ask any woman how high up the list watching porn and housework rank on the list of things they find attractive in men. I assume the majority would have those at the bottom of their list. Porn isn't the answer and won't make you happier, it's fleeting at best and relying on it constantly would leave you even more tired/letrargic/depressed after.

Taking her out for a nice weekend away and planning other nice things is a good idea but doing those in isolation isn't likely to change much

[CraigNewmarket]

Pieman68 said:

Going back to what you've said before and particularly this - the pressure is still there. You're offering to do chores in exchange for something, and specifically mentioning sex. The impression you give (and if I'm wrong I apologise) is that you are bringing this up regularly in conversation. The only thing you are doing here is building her resentment up, coming across as needy and only looking out for yourself. You're pressuring and manipulating her verbally to try and get your needs met.

Don't ask about doing stuff, don't offer stuff in exchange for you getting what you want - just pitch in a little more, do the odd job without being asked, take the kids out for a day and tell her to just rest, or go and get her hair done, or go to a spa with the girls. But don't follow that up with "and then when you're all relaxed you can put out"

Just give her some time, take the expectation away, take some of the load off her without expecting something in return.

It may not change things - and a grown up conversation may be needed in the future - but with 2 young kids, and especially one of them only a year old, the time for any of that to be a consideration is not now!

I was just replying to that individual poster, I knew the answer would be no.

[zedmtrappe]

PinkHouse said:

......

^^ Someone who properly gets it.. take heed.

[smn159]

ParkerTalbot said:

CraigNewmarket said:

We've been through this before I said to her if I cleaned the house top to bottom would you want sex. Guess what the answer was

This is not a good mindset, it shouldn't be transactional. Do this stuff because you want to, for her, family life, because it makes you feel good about helping out and lightening the load, whatever. I think most women would recoil in horror at this sort of bartering, it'd have the opposite effect of what you were hoping in my opinion.

Maybe he should have sweetened the deal by putting the bins out as well. Pretty sure that would have swung it

Or maybe he could take a step back and stop the ludicrous pestering and take the pressure off of her for a bit?

[CraigNewmarket]

PinkHouse said:

RabidGranny said:

Brutal. but you are probably right.

OP this has probably been a rather chastening experience, but hopefully you'll realize that alot on here are in the same boat and we worked out what we know now as regards post natal sex a long time ago.

So tips

1. do some heavy lifting around the house
2. dial into the porn
3. look into booking a weekend away somewhere posh, sans the kids. It'll be something for you both to look forward to.

Ask any woman how high up the list watching porn and housework rank on the list of things they find attractive in men. I assume the majority would have those at the bottom of their list. Porn isn't the answer and won't make you happier, it's fleeting at best and relying on it constantly would leave you even more tired/letrargic/depressed after.

Taking her out for a nice weekend away and planning other nice things is a good idea but doing those in isolation isn't likely to change much

I just think why would she ever change if she's happy the way things are now as it stands today she would be happy if we never had sex again

[GT3Manthey]

PinkHouse said:

Ask any woman how high up the list watching porn and housework rank on the list of things they find attractive in men. I assume the majority would have those at the bottom of their list. Porn isn't the answer and won't make you happier, it's fleeting at best and relying on it constantly would leave you even more tired/letrargic/depressed after.

Taking her out for a nice weekend away and planning other nice things is a good idea but doing those in isolation isn't likely to change much

I didn’t get the impression he was suggesting getting the wife to sit down and watch porn.

I’d suggest that could really be curtains !