Help with elderly relatives - Parkinson's + Dementia issues?
Discussion
yes, exactly that, my MIL just spent ages when my FIL was in hospital with a fractured hip, getting very irate that we were throwing out 3 year old tins in the cupboard and trying to tidy up, it was only when social paid a visit she admitted that she couldn't stay there by herself without him, and then the true extent of her dementia then became very apparent, FIL had obviously been covering up for her very well, and the state of the house.
when we moved them into the sheltered flat together, we found out that she had been quite aggressive towards him, and blamed him, but when he was taken to the hospital before he suddenly passed, as soon as she went back to the care home she was herself, asked occasionally for him, but that stopped a month or so after he passed. she had no idea that had happened, and we was happy to take all the advice regarding that conversation and stick with that decision. its funny that when she fractured her wrist and we had to take her wedding band off, when she was back in the home, she started holding hands with her tv buddy, and they think the no wedding band could have triggered this off.
husband was supposed to have a spitfire experience this week but the storms cancelled it, when he was telling my MIL she was telling him how she didn't like it when she used to fly them!!! god love her.
what ever happens it will not be easy, but what you have accomplished so far, just you 2 is amazing, and we have seen some light at the end of the tunnel, good luck with the clearance, its such a mixed bag of emotion, but the reason for doing it should make you feel much better. keep us posted
when we moved them into the sheltered flat together, we found out that she had been quite aggressive towards him, and blamed him, but when he was taken to the hospital before he suddenly passed, as soon as she went back to the care home she was herself, asked occasionally for him, but that stopped a month or so after he passed. she had no idea that had happened, and we was happy to take all the advice regarding that conversation and stick with that decision. its funny that when she fractured her wrist and we had to take her wedding band off, when she was back in the home, she started holding hands with her tv buddy, and they think the no wedding band could have triggered this off.
husband was supposed to have a spitfire experience this week but the storms cancelled it, when he was telling my MIL she was telling him how she didn't like it when she used to fly them!!! god love her.
what ever happens it will not be easy, but what you have accomplished so far, just you 2 is amazing, and we have seen some light at the end of the tunnel, good luck with the clearance, its such a mixed bag of emotion, but the reason for doing it should make you feel much better. keep us posted
I hear you .... I explained my concerns on the suggestion to my wife last night, after a lovely 13 hour day at work. I understand her POV too, as in it's not my wife's stuff, it's her Mum, etc., but my MIL didn't NEED to know what we're doing, it was info *given* to her, not from questioning us, IFSWIM?
I got the "if it was your Mum..." comment last night. I know from this experience that I'll continue in a practical, head over heart manner. It's the only way.
The skip is being delivered on Fri.
We arrive Sat.
Mates helping Sun = stuff in skip! (Hopefully ALL the attic contents, "except Christmas decs", my wife says
)
If my MIL comes round on Tue (and she can only get there if my wife BRINGS her over!) and it's pissed with rain for 2 days, there's no f
king way in hell I'm rooting around in the sodden skip to show her what's in there!
She'll be most pissed off if/when she sees her bedroom as we're ditching the bed - entirely - and the carpet, since both were ruined from FIL's unfortunate incontinence. The room will be very sparse. The bed and carpet are what keep the house smelling of pee, which is awful. They HAVE to go!
We will have to replace the carpet with a cheapy, once it's aired out (hopefully!) to put the house on the market - and that last nugget of info HASN'T been shared with my inlaws, but the house has to go to fund nursing home fees longer term.
Most of the furniture and other "valuables" will go into storage, until I (probably) determine when most of that can go too. We can't be left in a limbo situation. It's not as if the house is filled with mildly expensive furniture. There's a lot of Nathan teak stuff in the living/dining room, but even that's only worth maybe a few hundred £ now, at most?
Anyway, I'm most concerned about MIL plonking her (fortunately very skinny) arse down on a chair and then I have to carry her out, no doubt in hysterics.
FFS.
I got the "if it was your Mum..." comment last night. I know from this experience that I'll continue in a practical, head over heart manner. It's the only way.
The skip is being delivered on Fri.
We arrive Sat.
Mates helping Sun = stuff in skip! (Hopefully ALL the attic contents, "except Christmas decs", my wife says
)If my MIL comes round on Tue (and she can only get there if my wife BRINGS her over!) and it's pissed with rain for 2 days, there's no f
king way in hell I'm rooting around in the sodden skip to show her what's in there!She'll be most pissed off if/when she sees her bedroom as we're ditching the bed - entirely - and the carpet, since both were ruined from FIL's unfortunate incontinence. The room will be very sparse. The bed and carpet are what keep the house smelling of pee, which is awful. They HAVE to go!
We will have to replace the carpet with a cheapy, once it's aired out (hopefully!) to put the house on the market - and that last nugget of info HASN'T been shared with my inlaws, but the house has to go to fund nursing home fees longer term.
Most of the furniture and other "valuables" will go into storage, until I (probably) determine when most of that can go too. We can't be left in a limbo situation. It's not as if the house is filled with mildly expensive furniture. There's a lot of Nathan teak stuff in the living/dining room, but even that's only worth maybe a few hundred £ now, at most?
Anyway, I'm most concerned about MIL plonking her (fortunately very skinny) arse down on a chair and then I have to carry her out, no doubt in hysterics.
FFS.
sounds like a plan, once it all starts at least you have little time to think about. we did find though that we thought the carpet was making the house smell, but once we got rid of the bed and all the old clothes that hadn't been laundered in ages, the carpet was fine with a bit of shake n vac, and with the windows open, and some plug in air fresheners, defo make it breathable, although we knew the house was being sold as a project so most of the flooring would be pulled up.
all the best with the next part
all the best with the next part
RC1807 said:
Skip is booked.
Mrs RC1807 feels guilty about emptying the attic and her Mum not having a say in it, so guess what.... MIL will come home and check what we're doing!
We're doomed.
We'll nevber get the place emptied.
I fear we'll never get my MIL back to the care home!
Wife thinks differently.
I hope I'm proved wrong. I really do!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!Mrs RC1807 feels guilty about emptying the attic and her Mum not having a say in it, so guess what.... MIL will come home and check what we're doing!
We're doomed.
We'll nevber get the place emptied.
I fear we'll never get my MIL back to the care home!
Wife thinks differently.
I hope I'm proved wrong. I really do!
Don't let her do it...
(I've just spent yet another day emptying dad's flat - three and a bit hours each way from here. Two trip tips, two charity shop trips today. Just the big stuff (two sofas and a big armchair, three bookcases and three free-standing shelf sets, step machine (he had two new knees ten years ago) to go now - think I'm going to have to get house clearance in on those, because I do not want to drag those carpets into the car, let alone the mattress and divan...)
Edited by TooMany2cvs on Tuesday 24th October 21:55
I started clearing my parents home in April, still a long way to go, I'm emotionally invested so it's been both heartbreaking and cathartic.
Are you draining the central heating system? If so it may well be too cold for MIL, explain this to your wife and that you don't want her getting pneumonia.
Are you draining the central heating system? If so it may well be too cold for MIL, explain this to your wife and that you don't want her getting pneumonia.
Another tip, if the house smells, pop to pound land and buy multiple air fresheners, it doesn't matter which fragrance, just buy all the same rather than different, we've only lifted the carpets in the main bedroom, bathroom and toilet so far, along with the kitchen vinyl tiles, we've left the loft hatch open and open the windows and doors when working there, the house smells a lot more shall we say neutral.
Have you checked on the house insurance? Many policies require the property to be inspected on a regular basis once empty.
Have you checked on the house insurance? Many policies require the property to be inspected on a regular basis once empty.
Edited by Tumbler on Wednesday 25th October 11:30
RC1807 said:
Skip is booked.
Mrs RC1807 feels guilty about emptying the attic and her Mum not having a say in it, so guess what.... MIL will come home and check what we're doing!
Bad, bad, bad move.Mrs RC1807 feels guilty about emptying the attic and her Mum not having a say in it, so guess what.... MIL will come home and check what we're doing!
Please try and convince the wife not to agree to this. I've been there, this really is not a good idea. Hell, I'll happily try and convince her if you want - you really don't need the level of problems this will create......!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yes, its a heart breaking thing to do, knowing that they don't know, but, its for the best.
Tumbler: air fresheners, good call! NOTED
House is being checked regularly. Neighbours go in every day.
Insurance and ongoing maintenance, in addition to needing £ to pay for care/nuring bills, are good additional reasons to sell the house!
Heating won't be drained as we're staying there for the week!
We're keeping hte heating on low when no-one is there; the inlaws had the 'stat cranked up to 30C 24/7/365 previously.
Aeropilot: I hear you, too!
I have a few days to work on this with my wife.
House is being checked regularly. Neighbours go in every day.
Insurance and ongoing maintenance, in addition to needing £ to pay for care/nuring bills, are good additional reasons to sell the house!
Heating won't be drained as we're staying there for the week!
We're keeping hte heating on low when no-one is there; the inlaws had the 'stat cranked up to 30C 24/7/365 previously.
Aeropilot: I hear you, too!
I have a few days to work on this with my wife.
RC1807 said:
Aeropilot: I hear you, too!
I have a few days to work on this with my wife.
I understand why she is thinking this way......I do, as I've been there, BUT...people taught me fairly quickly how to deal with this condition.I have a few days to work on this with my wife.
Your wife has to start grasping that with LPA - she is now in control of her parents affairs, and has to be prepared NOW to make decisions about stuff WITHOUT ASKING her parents - thats the whole point of LPA. She needs to grasp very quickly that the parents she knew, will gradually change to people she's likely to not know, as they will probably start to not know who she is over time.
As hard and seemingly heartless as it may seem now, the sooner she starts to treat them as she would your own children, and tell them what is going to happen, instead of asking them, the easier it will be to deal with the increasing deterioration of their condition, as their power of decision making will disappear.
aeropilot said:
I understand why she is thinking this way......I do, as I've been there, BUT...people taught me fairly quickly how to deal with this condition.
Your wife has to start grasping that with LPA - she is now in control of her parents affairs, and has to be prepared NOW to make decisions about stuff WITHOUT ASKING her parents - thats the whole point of LPA.
We're you spying on us on Mon night? That ^^ was my statement almost verbatim! Your wife has to start grasping that with LPA - she is now in control of her parents affairs, and has to be prepared NOW to make decisions about stuff WITHOUT ASKING her parents - thats the whole point of LPA.
I have only a bit of experience of elderly folk with dementia, but I have a LOT of experience with kids and young people with severe cognitive impairments.
Offer only the choices you are going to follow through on. If stuff in the skip isn't coming out of the skip, she doesn't get to see or be asked about it. What would be the point?
By all means, support (get your missus to support) the MIL in whatever choices are actually possible, by whatever method works. But don't create/be forced into situations where you're going to have to pull rank.
PS - morning visit, then out for lunch and back to the home from there is the least-bad I can think up of any scenario with a visit to their house: smooths the transition from one to t'other and won't make her feel like she's leaving her house to return to the home.
Very very best of luck!
Offer only the choices you are going to follow through on. If stuff in the skip isn't coming out of the skip, she doesn't get to see or be asked about it. What would be the point?
By all means, support (get your missus to support) the MIL in whatever choices are actually possible, by whatever method works. But don't create/be forced into situations where you're going to have to pull rank.
PS - morning visit, then out for lunch and back to the home from there is the least-bad I can think up of any scenario with a visit to their house: smooths the transition from one to t'other and won't make her feel like she's leaving her house to return to the home.
Very very best of luck!
Yesterday morning we ditched the soiled bed, carpet and underlay in the skip before 2 mates arrived at 10:30 to help us empty the attic. That was quickly done, then sorted into 'skip', 'dump' , 'dump shop' and 'need to review before deciding'. The last category is only a few bits! Skip's well packed, no spaces, and almost full. Really cracked on with it. Dump trips done with mates' V70 and E class wagon. Some stuff 1 mate took on to take to his local tip, like paint and chemicals, that they'll take. The other mate took some staff to stick on the Bay of Fleas for us.
I will make a start today with my wife on the charity shop stuff, so loads of clothes, etc., and see how much we can empty from wardrobes in 3 of their 4 bedrooms! Loads of stuff still to go in brown recycling bin before tomorrow's collection.
It really won't be a good idea for the MIL to see what's in the skip, given it's all packed in so well, so maybe she can come round on Thu en route to her new care home, when the skip's gone!
My wife was brilliant and really practical about it all yesterday.
I will make a start today with my wife on the charity shop stuff, so loads of clothes, etc., and see how much we can empty from wardrobes in 3 of their 4 bedrooms! Loads of stuff still to go in brown recycling bin before tomorrow's collection.
It really won't be a good idea for the MIL to see what's in the skip, given it's all packed in so well, so maybe she can come round on Thu en route to her new care home, when the skip's gone!
My wife was brilliant and really practical about it all yesterday.
Hopefully you've already done this but make sure that anything of value that is to be kept is removed from the house. My cousin was going through the same process with her mother when the house, just a small Victorian terraced house, was burgled. Fortunately she'd been gradually emptying the house which was to be sold to pay care home costs so nothing of value was taken.
Edited by Riley Blue on Monday 30th October 11:15
glad you have made a start, and it all went well, it will get easier from here for you both, we now have an issue where MIL tv friend behaved inappropriately towards her yesterday in front of staff and visitors, just waiting for a meeting to find out what the hell happened and what measures they are taking, when we was told there was an incident yesterday we thought she had tripped again, not that this had now happened. what ever next!!
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