I'm mentally broken

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xjay1337 said:

Go cycling!
I hate exercise but going cycling with my Dad, when we get a chance, is great fun.

It is indeed.

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Thanks Derek. Interesting story there.

It's funny how the brain works. Over the last few days, I've had a better clarity of thinking than usual. I have also been extremely tired (I even had a nod in our couch this afternoon, something I haven't done for ages). I think my body knows I'm off and is trying to help me catch up with rest. Sleep has been brilliant for the first time in a while too. As mentioned above, my family go away tomorrow until Thursday. I will miss them, but it means I'll be able to rest.

Whilst thinking, I've been churning over the work situation in my head. I think I know now what my main issues have been:

1. An overpowering, overbearing, know it all manager.
2. A complete lack of respect from my colleagues (not helped by my manager)
3. A job that is too much for one person
4. A lack of support and help from the people that are supposed to help me (external companies)
5. A major project that is doomed (and if we are honest, I'm going to be the fall guy)
6. A lack of training in certain areas
7. A job title that indicates what I should be, but I'm not allowed to be (if that makes sense)
8. A company that is run in a frustratingly bizarre fashion
9. An unrealistic on call expectation covering most of the day and even dipping into weekends now
10. Old equipment that I'm struggling to be allowed to update
11. A block on me seeking alternative suppliers who may be better and more cost effective
12. A culture of work that allows people to demand that I fix their personal computing issues
13. A role where I'm told to be assertive, but when I am I'm undermined
14. A job where my holiday requests are questioned, pending the movements of my manager (who comes and goes as he pleases)

All of the above adds up to a very unhappy experience and if you are emotionally sensitive like me (I.e. you do care and worry), it leads to issues.

Some of the above I could strive to change as my job role involves handling these things. However, I have tried for a while now and haven't got anywhere.

I guess it comes down to the level of support the key individual (my manager) should be giving me, but isn't.

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happychap said:

Just my thoughts on your analysis of your situation, some of the issues you can control and others are not in your control. I hope the time off enables you to define how you will proceed in the future whether it is with this employer or another. Good luck

Thanks. Yes, some of it I can try to regain, some of it is beyond me.

I should note here that I have been trying to fix the various issues for a while now, and haven't made any progress. I have flagged numerous items up with the relevant people and departments, and they have all been ignored. I have tried to address the respect issue, but again, have failed.

The personal computer stuff is an odd one. My manager pretty much told me to go and help his mate out at home. He had come into work moaning about a crap computer, wanted a new one etc. He asked my manager directly before even approaching me. The first I knew about it was being told that I needed to go and help the chap out at home during my lunch time. This was last year, so I didn't question it (hadn't been at the company a year by then).

Thanks for your I input. I will apply your advice to the bits that I haven't addressed so far.

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Derek Smith said:

Not a dig of course, but try a list all the good things about your life. If you have a strong marriage/partnership, then you stand a much better chance of coming through unscathed. Then family. Your opportunities, what you want to do with your life, what you like doing, what you can do to fulfil your needs.

Much easier said than done of course, but put by, say, 10 minutes in the morning and 10 minutes in the afternoon where you think only positive and forget the aggro.

It might be a bit early for you, but give it a go if you think you can.

I thought of suing my employer and listed all the things that they did wrong. That was a big mistake I felt worse, much worse, and couldn't get it out of my mind. Forget those who did not do what was required of them.

I was able to embarrass one chap who let me down. I did it publicly and it made him look a fool. This was after I was over the problems and got no enjoyment out of it at all, apart from making me laught at myself

Thanks again Derek.

I can tell you off the top of my head that I want the following:

1. More time with my family. At the moment, I'm leaving the house around 7am and not getting back until gone 6pm (later on some days). Yes, I understand others are away for longer, but let's not forget that I am then on call until 10pm and start being on call the next morning at 6am. (I forgot to mention the fact that the company recently increased the working day they do. It used to run until 9pm, but they increased this without even consulting with me regarding cover etc.)
2. A job that I find enjoyable (as mentioned above, as long as it covers the bills, I'm not bothered)

What do I find enjoyable about my current role? See below:

1. The admin gubbins of the new system. I've really been getting stuck into this and if I was allowed to simply concentrate on this (my main job priority), I would feel a lot better. Unfortunately, because my support structure doesn't work, I end up spending a lot of my day chasing other issues around.
2. Re-building and fixing PC's. I really enjoy this element of my role. It is nice to have a few hours spare to fix, re-format or tune up someone's machine.

I am very fortunate that I do have a strong family life. I have a beautiful little girl (18 months old) who is currently enjoying seeing her daddy so much. I also have a very supportive a lovely fiancee who is very clever and understands my situation completely.

Incidentally, I started a thread a few years ago when I took up my current position. After a few weeks, I had major doubts that the job was going to be what I was led to believe it would be. I got upset then and remember talking at great lengths about how the job was worrying me. Then, out of the blue (and six weeks early) our daughter was born in quite traumatic circumstances. Everything about the job went out of the window and I think I just got on with it. I had seen a part of life that was much more serious and worrying than anything a job could throw at you, and things changed. I buried the unhappiness I had at work, revelled in the fact that I was now a dad, and locked my anxieties and unhappiness away.

The trouble is, that unhappiness simmered. It was addressed and it sat there in the back of my mind, slowly eating me away. Things started to get worse last September when I had a long weekend away from the job and I simply did not want to return. I did, but maybe I should have done what I have done now back then. Oh well, I've seen what is happening to me and I am in the fortunate position of identifying it and trying to get it fixed.

I had some weird dreams last night. I woke up numerous times because I had problems that I couldn't fix. I can't remember specifically what they were, but they niggled me and whatever I did, I just couldn't sort them out. Maybe my brain is now processing everything and bringing it to the fore so I can address it.

Anyway, thanks for another useful post Derek.

Just a footnote. Apparently, I'm quite creative and I have been churning out lots of different stories and things for my daughter when playing with her, without even realising. My fiancee, her mum and dad and one of my friends have suggested that I start writing. I think that is a good idea as it will fuel my brain, allow me to create things for my daughter and maybe help to empty some of the naff stuff in my head.

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WinstonWolf said:

You need a new job by the sound of it

Spot on.

If I am correct, you are in the industry? I guess you can understand how it gets. I distinctly remember you saying you wouldn't go anywhere near home PC's, for instance.

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WinstonWolf said:

Yup, and home users? Never in a million years. "It didn't do that before you touched it", you bill an hours work, they will expect a lifetime of free support from then on even if they change machines.

I always recommend home users to my competitors

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andy-xr said:

They can be ruminations, when you're so focussed on something that you end up exhausted from thinking about it, and in some cases never getting to the right answer even though you've identified the problem, in some cases over and over again, it can have many answers and you're not sure which one's best.

I'm a big big fan of mindfulness, it was part of ACT course that I did with a psychotherapist a few years ago, and that's probably one of the main things I've taken from it.

I think (like me) you're a people pleaser and if people arent pleased with what you've done, or how you act, or respond or even if you dont reply to them in a thread they might get upset and then that's a reflection on you.

It could be that you're really polite and just swamped and you're not getting the help and support you need. It's more I think about how you react to that lack of support, because that's the bit you control

Someone else made a mention of control, and I'm a big believer in recognising what you control and what you really really dont. Other people's thoughts and feelings for example, they're theirs and while you can influence them if you want to (people pleasing again) you cant actually control them. That's for them to decide.

If you see these things as patterns, you might also see that sometimes, you catch your brain talking st to you, and it needs to be identified. It doesnt need anything else sometimes, so an evaluation or a judgment about what you were thinking about isnt necessary.

This morning I caught myself thinking about dying in a plane crash. Pretty morbid, but I dont like flying and I've got a heap of flights coming up. To myself (and I didnt need to say it out loud) I said 'thanks brain, I'm thinking about a plane crash' and then carried on with what I was doing (making coffee).

I'm fine with accepting my thoughts for example as just thoughts without anything needing to be done about them. I do that because if I dont, I might then get a feeling of guilt come from somewhere and before I know it, I'm thinking about it more, my mood's gone down and I dont know why, so then I'd be unravelling what I was thinking about for ages and not quite get to the answers.

Sometimes it's fine for things to just be there if you're on a path you know is right, even if there's bumps in the road.

Very interesting thoughts and you are spot on.

As you say, I am a people person. I like to think that people are happy with what I do and that I'm helping them. Probably the biggest issue I am facing in my current role is the culture. I feel massively unsupported and people have no respect for my role and what I am trying to achieve.

I think it was Michael Schumacher who said he only ever worries about the things he can control. Maybe I need to adapt that attitude. It's difficult to change the way you are programmed though. I need to disconnect a bit, stop worrying about so many things all of the time and try to relax.

It's funny you should mention aeroplanes. I hate flying too and every time I have known I am flying, I have worried. I have thought about plane crashes and in my mind, the worst is always going to happen. I'm the same at work; I'm constantly worrying that this system will break, I won't know how to fix it or this person will not listen to me, or will start arguing etc.

I need to try and take a step back. Let things I can't influence go and just try to manage the situation.

Thanks again for your post.

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andy-xr said:

Absolutely, really difficult because sometimes it's so implicit you dont realise it's happening.

But you learned to think like that, so if you can do that, then you can definitely learn how to think differently because you've already done it before at least once, maybe without realising.

It might help you to take some time to figure out who you are. You might already know, but when a psychotherapist asked me, I didnt really know how to give an answer.

I found, when I did this, that I was giving things that are pretty subjective. For example, I'd say 'I'm a good person' or 'I'm an honest person' - things that if you said 'Really? All the time"' werent actually true, they were just things I'd like other people to think about me.

I'm not always a good person and I'm not always honest, so the cracks startd to show on that one fairly quickly. What was important, and the bit I had to knuckle down and learn, was that not being a good person all the time shouldnt be viewed as negative, it's fine to just be there.

I can say easily 'I'm a risk averse person' and I can back that up with a heap of examples. I dont use my full name on here. I have a set monthly figure for my mortgage/rent. I drive a car that has a good crash rating. I dont go out on drinking binges. I pick jobs where I know I'll not be pushed into progression that I dont want.

You can keep going with that forever, but it's interesting when you put it down on paper and question it, how it can help you make decisions about what you're actually doing with your life and where your happiness and motivations are.

Edited by andy-xr on Wednesday 2nd March 12:09

Couldn't agree with you more. I have some paperwork to fill out for the community mental health team, so I will crack on with that and see if there is anything they can do to assist me.

I've had a good morning so far. I have dusted off and updated my CV. I have also started job hunting and have already applied for another role. I refuse to sit on my bum and let this dark cloud take over my life (something it has done in the past). I'm also going to sort myself out with the way I think.

Thanks for your useful insight.

Edited to add - music seems to be helping me at the moment. I'm sat in the office at home with some great, melodic trance music rolling through the speakers in the background. It's amazing how something like that can help your mental attitude.

Edited by funkyrobot on Wednesday 2nd March 12:25

Edited by funkyrobot on Wednesday 2nd March 12:32

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Derek Smith said:

I was advised to write. I'd written most of my adult life, mainly articles for magazines. The psychologist told me to write about my early life in the service, hence Both Sides of the Force, which I'm not allowed to link to, but can say that it is well-reviewed on the well-known supplier of downloadable e-books' website. And a sequel.

Once underway, I could disconnect from my problems. I started by doing it for myself but later went on to publish. I've got four books at the moment, although one consists of three. Rather specialist that one/three.

You can do it any time and most writing is done in your head. You'll be carrying a reporter's note pad around with you in days. There's nothing like finding the exact word after a struggle.

Creativity helps.

You might even earn a bit. I write search engine optimised copy for websites. It's easy enough to get into, but the pay is poor until you get known. My son teaches excluded children and gets a fair wage. His partner writes copy and has to turn work away, or give it to me. She earns much more than my lad. He also writes a bit, anything to do with fitness, and finds it refreshing. It is still creative, if you do it properly, even though it is commercial.

(All writing for publication is commercial. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. The word counter in word processing software was a real boon.)

Derek, I've just taken a look at your links. The books look interesting, and thanks for your kind, useful words again.

The writing is something I must do as I think it will help to empty my head. At the moment, it feels like their is a lot stashed up there and it is screaming to come out. I was going to do a bit today, but got sidetracked with CV refreshing and job applications. Oh yes, I then spent a while messing about with my computer, but I don't get to do that often. The family being away has allowed me to just tinker, something I haven't done and enjoyed for a long time.

I need to set myself some targets. Maybe say x amount of words by a certain day. It doesn't have to be a story, I could just write whatever comes into my head to establish a link between the keyboard and my slushy, full to the brim, grey matter.

I think I'll check one of your books out. Is one of yours about a specific model of Mercedes? They are interesting cars to me as my neighbour had one for a while. Gone now, but seemed to be fun whilst it was there.

Thanks again Derek.

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Back at work tomorrow. The dark cloud has descended again. Still looking for something else, but it hasn't yielded anything at the moment.

Been a lovely few weeks off, but it has gone so quick.

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Thanks both.

I guess I'll have an interview when I get back. I will tell them exactly what has happened and why I have been off. Will be interesting to see what they say. Someone on here mentioned a follow up appointment at the docs. I'll see how it goes tomorrow and may look at booking another one, depending on how I feel.

I am looking for another job as I do enjoy the IT side (I've been tinkering at home since I've been off). I just haven't found anything else yet.

I'll report back on events tomorrow.

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Sounds like the attitude to adopt. Not really me, but it would help.

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Thanks.

Well, I've been in work about half an hour and my manager seems very cheesed off with me. All he has said is 'morning' very sternly, then 'we have a meeting with hr at some point'. That's it. No, how are you doing, hope everything is ok etc.

Thing is, I don't want to talk about my absence with him as I don't feel comfortable. I guess I have to, but he doesn't strike me as someone who gives a st. He sees it more as an annoyance and a failure. Oh well, I gues I'll have to give enough in the meeting, but not everything.

Fun, isn't it!

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Meeting done.

Manager attended and sat there with the HR lady staring driectly at me. I was questioned why I has been off and I told them I was struggling, I had lost control and I cracked. I mentioned the attitude of some of my work colleagues, but was shot down about that. Manager then chipped in with stuff about me not telling him about issues etc, even though we had spoken a few months ago.

HR lady seemed nice and concerned as I broke down a bit. Told them that if you don't suffer anxiety yourself, you won't understand how things build up and can tip you over the edge.

I admitted that I need to control my workload better and said that I need some help doing this. Any question of work load being too much was quashed when my manager said he juggles far more work fine.

I got the distinct impression that he was ready to deny anything negative I said. So, I told them it was my issue to sort out, I lost control and I need to make it better. Win, win for the company I think as the form I signed basically says it's my issue and I need to sort it.

As mentioned above, the only way anything will change is for me to get out. I can't do that now, but I'm going to put the feelers out.

When we came out of the meeting my manager told me that he has finally agreed to get some more support for my major project. He said it'll cost the company a lot, and I will be having my hand held, but it has to be done.

In summary, I'm glad it's now out. I'm glad I told them I didn't want to be deemed a failure and I had been struggling. I'm not happy that anything I was saying was meticulously scrutinised and a counter attack was ready. However, my manager has been here for about ten years, he sits on the senior management team and everyone believes every word he says. I would have no hope of really saying it how it is, so I gave them a bit, but kept a bit back.

The game is well and truly being played.

Thanks again for the advice and help all. I know what I need to do, just need to get it implemented now.

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xjay1337 said:

So wait a minute, your boss was making your life hell.
You were sat in a meeting with HR and your boss, and you said it was "your problem"?

Seems like you were a bit intimidated by him to be honest. I would have spoken to HR first without him there.

Won't happen. I can't talk to HR about him. The company is quite small and as I said above, he can't do any wrong.

He was sat there staring at me, waiting for me to criticise anything. It looks like he had notes too as he was referring to a page in his note book.

He was basically ready to rebuke anything I said. So, I thought what the hell, what can I do? I just said I had cracked, I need to sort things out. The comment about him being supportive is even noted on the sheet.

If I was in a position to do so, I would have told them to lump it. I can't though as I have a family and I am the only working parent at the moment.

I'm playing the game.

I'm a worrier, but I'm not stupid.

I need to adopt the 'fk you' attitude I think.

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bhstewie said:

One little thing to keep in mind, and I know this may make me sound a little like one of "those" Pistonheaders when I'm really not, but remember that HR are there for the benefit of the company, not yours.

I would be very wary of how much info I volunteer as those "nice HR ladies" often turn out not to be so nice when the business needs them to do something unpleasant.

I am also surprised your manager was there as it clearly impacts your ability to speak honestly.

Thanks.

Indeed, this is why I am not saying anything about my manager to her. We had the meeting earlier and it's done now. I'm not saying anything else on the matter. I can't.

As soon as I can get out, I am moving. That's it.

For the sake of my health, I need to stop worrying and just keep my head down now until I can leave.

I couldn't be too honest as he was sat there in the meeting. What could I do eh? I know it isn't ideal, but it is what it is.

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PurpleTurtle said:

OP your manager is clearly coming across as an alpha male that has no time for 'weakness' in his view - I am assuming he is male.

You can discuss this until the internet runs out of space but the answer is simple: get another job elsewhere with a more considerate employer.

Your boss will never change, and now you've made this public with HR then I doubt he is going to be any 'nicer' to you in the long term.

It's a much overused expression, but life really is too short to put up with bullst that makes you unhappy.

Thanks. I'm working on that now.

Yes, he is male. The comment about him juggling so much work hit it home for me. He also seems to have no understanding or appreciation for anyone who may have anxieties.

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xjay1337 said:

Fine, I understand that situation. But to blame yourself is not the right outlook.
By saying you cracked you have implied that you are at fault, you cannot handle the pressure and that your boss is not the issue

When he was actually the issue.
You need to make note of what he has done, said, corroborating evidence from any colleagues who are sympathetic to you.
For my case I had most of our bank of team who have witnessed things going on.

Of course he will rebuke what you have said, he doesn't want to appear to be at fault.
I do understand the issue with regards to working and needing to keep the money coming in.

If it helps I found a position and interviewed and was offered the job within 2 weeks of looking, however I didn't take it in the end.
Just a little reminder if you want to find other work you can do so quite easily. Which I would recommend you doing.

But taking the blame yourself is not the answer.

Thanks. I understand what you are saying. However, I'm not blaming myself, it just appears so on the paperwork. The reason it appears like that is because I was in an uncomfortable situation that wouldn't ever be positive for me. Why pick a fight that I couldn't win?

The mere fact that my manager attended my meeting was enough to tell me how it is. I think that I raised one issue and that was about the attitude of other employees towards me. That was instantly rebuked by my manager who stated an employee I had mentioned was great. He stated that he would argue my statement about this person as they had done a lot of good work for him. With an attitude like that, what could I achieve? Every grievance I mentioned would be denied, dismissed and ultimately pointed back at me.

I mentioned the fact that my manager and I had had a chat a few months ago. He spoke over me, said it was at Christmas and after initially denying we had talked, said he had told me to do this and that. What he didn't tell the HR lady was that at the time, he was grinning and didn't want to entertain my thoughts.

I just thought it best to say enough, get it over with and get on with things. I haven't got the time, the will or the energy to argue anything with them. It won't help me, so there isn't much point.

Edited to add - I won't have any support from colleagues. My department has four people in. They all moan, but they would never escalate anything to HR or support me.

Edited by funkyrobot on Monday 14th March 11:31

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0000 said:

funkyrobot said:

the form I signed

I'm not a lawyer, but I wouldn't be in a rush to sign anything.

I know. However, I'm not going to change anything, and I have no intention to. The company I work for is a small, single site one in the arse end of Lincolnshire. What happens within the four walls has no bearing on anything outside, or real life. A form signed here isn't going to hurt.

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xjay1337 said:

You would have been better off saying actually never mind you dont want to enter a meeting.
Because on paper that is what matters in business. Someone could be a complete moron in real life but if on paper / reports they appear good then fine - because when they are looking to cut staff they will cut you because you are "unable to manage work load" and "need hand holding".

I hope everything is ok for you anyway pal, chin up and move on as best as you can from this part of your employment.

Could I really have told them that? They informed me I had to go to the meeting. I didn't think I had a choice.

If they cut me, so be it. I still haven't been here two years, so they could bin me off tomorrow. However, I'm not leaving whilst I have the option of finding something else before I go.

As I have just posted above, a form signed here isn't going to affect anything outside of this business.

Thanks for your help. Chin is up and I intend to do the only thing possible to help my situation, find something else.