Confused about an ex-girlfriend
Discussion
jakesmith said:
Are you banging when you stay over I presume?
The way I see it is you make a few grand gestures like a really expensive dinner out & see what happens, but avoid talking about 'are we together' as that will force her hand at a time when she thinks she is pulling the strings. If you impress her when she has one foot in one foot out, she can slip back in without losing any face. If you keep talking about it you risk pressuring her & making it easy for her to leave.
Yes. A friends with benefits type thing we have agreed to in which she had a set of rules like no feelings, cuddling, kissing, sleeping over of which she broke all of in the first night - a good sign, right?The way I see it is you make a few grand gestures like a really expensive dinner out & see what happens, but avoid talking about 'are we together' as that will force her hand at a time when she thinks she is pulling the strings. If you impress her when she has one foot in one foot out, she can slip back in without losing any face. If you keep talking about it you risk pressuring her & making it easy for her to leave.
amancalledrob said:
With that third chance talk you're asking her to give you something. You should be asking what you can give her. I don't know what you're going through so please don't take this as judgmental but you messed up, you got a second chance and that was messed up too. It hurts when you give someone that extra chance and they blow it.
I think she probably feels like she's been a bit of a mug, whether that's true or not. It's not an easy or quick problem for you to solve, and if she's saying she feels unappreciated then you need to ask how long it's taken for her to speak up about it - these feelings could have been there under the surface for some time. You need to find a way to make her feel both loved and appreciated and as said above it's got to come from you, not from us lot. Good luck
That's the thing; I have no idea how to make her feel loved again. All I can do is to try and do everything that I did the first time around when we met. But then do I make any moves on her to show that I love her or do I stay away from that to respect boundaries. It's so confusing!I think she probably feels like she's been a bit of a mug, whether that's true or not. It's not an easy or quick problem for you to solve, and if she's saying she feels unappreciated then you need to ask how long it's taken for her to speak up about it - these feelings could have been there under the surface for some time. You need to find a way to make her feel both loved and appreciated and as said above it's got to come from you, not from us lot. Good luck
The monkey and branch thing is becoming as much PH bulls
t as snakes with tits.
OP you say you WERE having a tough time and took it out on her. Are you sure its over? or are you still having a tough time and trying to bury it? If you are not in the right place then it doesnt matter what either of you think youre gonna end up back where you were. Assess your reality and if need be go and talk to a doctor and have a few tests to find out what might be the under lying cause of your issue. Once you have done that and you can start to deal with it you can then start to deal with the relationship.
Next thing to remember is she she is in the driving seat here and appears to be giving you a chance but you have to look at the relationship yourself objectively and ask yourself if it is really what you want because if it was you wouldnt have "taken it out on her". Men are just as likely to do the "monkey on the branch" thing as women and you need to consider whether you are doing that without realising it.
t as snakes with tits.OP you say you WERE having a tough time and took it out on her. Are you sure its over? or are you still having a tough time and trying to bury it? If you are not in the right place then it doesnt matter what either of you think youre gonna end up back where you were. Assess your reality and if need be go and talk to a doctor and have a few tests to find out what might be the under lying cause of your issue. Once you have done that and you can start to deal with it you can then start to deal with the relationship.
Next thing to remember is she she is in the driving seat here and appears to be giving you a chance but you have to look at the relationship yourself objectively and ask yourself if it is really what you want because if it was you wouldnt have "taken it out on her". Men are just as likely to do the "monkey on the branch" thing as women and you need to consider whether you are doing that without realising it.
Jesus.
It's over - move on.
All this fking about is just you not wanting to accept it and her not having someone else yet. Get it over with. You don't 'go off' and 'need time apart' from people you are going to be happy ever after with. It's already fked so draw a line under it.
Why do people agree to these weird 'friends with benefits' arrangements? Promising no feelings is just ridiculous on both parts.
Are you quite young?
My advice, to take back some self-respect is:
1) Tell her one last time you would like to make a go of things but aren't prepared to be pissed about
2) When she says "Oh, er, um, I'm just not sure where my head's at right now..." say "Ok, no problem. All the best."
3) Move on
Fin.
It's over - move on.
All this f
king about is just you not wanting to accept it and her not having someone else yet. Get it over with. You don't 'go off' and 'need time apart' from people you are going to be happy ever after with. It's already fked so draw a line under it.Why do people agree to these weird 'friends with benefits' arrangements? Promising no feelings is just ridiculous on both parts.
Are you quite young?
My advice, to take back some self-respect is:
1) Tell her one last time you would like to make a go of things but aren't prepared to be pissed about
2) When she says "Oh, er, um, I'm just not sure where my head's at right now..." say "Ok, no problem. All the best."
3) Move on
Fin.
Petrolhead95 said:
That's the thing; I have no idea how to make her feel loved again. All I can do is to try and do everything that I did the first time around when we met. But then do I make any moves on her to show that I love her or do I stay away from that to respect boundaries. It's so confusing!
It's tough alright but it wouldn't be worth it if it was easy. I don't know your mrs so I can't make suggestions but I'd guess a good place to start would be the largest romantic gesture you can manage without ringing alarm bells. Avoid (as mentioned above) any pressure-laden questions about how things stand and see how things gohyphen said:
Petrolhead95 said:
I have no idea why I'm posting on here... I guess it's because I have no idea what's going on.
Long story short me and my ex-girlfriend broke up about a week ago because I was having a tough time and took it out on her; lots of arguing, anger and being vacant. She knows I regret it massively but she said she wanted a "break" to work out what she wants as she is really confused. She gave me another chance but I managed to mess that up too so now we're officially broken up and she keeps saying "for now" - what the hell does that mean?
What issues are you having, how can you show her 'beyond reasonable doubt' that you will overcome them,Long story short me and my ex-girlfriend broke up about a week ago because I was having a tough time and took it out on her; lots of arguing, anger and being vacant. She knows I regret it massively but she said she wanted a "break" to work out what she wants as she is really confused. She gave me another chance but I managed to mess that up too so now we're officially broken up and she keeps saying "for now" - what the hell does that mean?
hyphen said:
hyphen said:
Petrolhead95 said:
I have no idea why I'm posting on here... I guess it's because I have no idea what's going on.
Long story short me and my ex-girlfriend broke up about a week ago because I was having a tough time and took it out on her; lots of arguing, anger and being vacant. She knows I regret it massively but she said she wanted a "break" to work out what she wants as she is really confused. She gave me another chance but I managed to mess that up too so now we're officially broken up and she keeps saying "for now" - what the hell does that mean?
What issues are you having, how can you show her 'beyond reasonable doubt' that you will overcome them,Long story short me and my ex-girlfriend broke up about a week ago because I was having a tough time and took it out on her; lots of arguing, anger and being vacant. She knows I regret it massively but she said she wanted a "break" to work out what she wants as she is really confused. She gave me another chance but I managed to mess that up too so now we're officially broken up and she keeps saying "for now" - what the hell does that mean?
hyphen said:
hyphen said:
Petrolhead95 said:
I have no idea why I'm posting on here... I guess it's because I have no idea what's going on.
Long story short me and my ex-girlfriend broke up about a week ago because I was having a tough time and took it out on her; lots of arguing, anger and being vacant. She knows I regret it massively but she said she wanted a "break" to work out what she wants as she is really confused. She gave me another chance but I managed to mess that up too so now we're officially broken up and she keeps saying "for now" - what the hell does that mean?
What issues are you having, how can you show her 'beyond reasonable doubt' that you will overcome them,Long story short me and my ex-girlfriend broke up about a week ago because I was having a tough time and took it out on her; lots of arguing, anger and being vacant. She knows I regret it massively but she said she wanted a "break" to work out what she wants as she is really confused. She gave me another chance but I managed to mess that up too so now we're officially broken up and she keeps saying "for now" - what the hell does that mean?
hyphen said:
Not supporting you through health issues? You should be dumping her!
Woah! You have no idea what he is talking about!OP get off here and close your ears to what you hear. Speak to your lady and come to a decision to try again or walk away and whatever the answer, respect it.
Petrolhead95 said:
She has been nothing but supportive of me the whole time, even when I was in hospital. Made the mistake of asking if she wanted to grab something to eat on Sunday to which she replied "We're not dating at the moment". Good or bad response?
I'd say bad response.I was giving her the benefit of the doubt when I thought you weren't sleeping together any more and the relationship has been taken to a platonic state, but now that you've written that's still happening it changes the dynamic considerably.
It sounds like she wants the sausage but isn't keen on the welfare needs of the pig TBH.
I'd remove myself from the situation for a fortnight. See how she copes from there, as right now you are starting to sound like a stand in for the next guy along.
If it were me. I would be questioning if I was being too 'nice' and so easy friends zone material. I would start keeping myself busy; going out with other mates more, hitting the gym, go shopping for new clothes(spend a bit on something nice) etc. I wouldn't be available for her all the time/immediately reply to her texts. Essentially start to be more independent and treat her like the 'booty call' she wants to be. When you see her, tell her about your new exciting life.
Depending on how she reacts, you will soon find out if she wants you back. Last thing you want to do is be a puppy at her beck and call as it isn't attractive.
As always, know little beyond what you have said, so if it goes wrong never mind
Depending on how she reacts, you will soon find out if she wants you back. Last thing you want to do is be a puppy at her beck and call as it isn't attractive.
As always, know little beyond what you have said, so if it goes wrong never mind
Edited by hyphen on Wednesday 30th November 08:12
hyphen said:
If it were me. I would be questioning if I was being too 'nice' and so easy friends zone material. I would start keeping myself busy; going out with other mates more, hitting the gym etc. I wouldn't be available for her all the time/immediately reply to her texts. Essentially start to be more independent and treat her like the 'booty call' she wants to be.
Depending on how she reacts, you will soon find out if she wants you back. Last thing you want to do is be a puppy at her beck and call as it isn't attractive.
As always, know little beyond what you have said, so if it goes wrong never mind
I already know I am. As much as I want to try and make things up to her I've spent all my wages on buying dinner for us when I'm over hers, buying her clothes, filling up her car, making her dinner, cleaning her room, helping her get ready for work. I feel like a pathetic tool that's being used as a slave in return for the faint glimmer of hope that things will go back to normal. I've somehow spent over £300 in the past 5 days on her.Depending on how she reacts, you will soon find out if she wants you back. Last thing you want to do is be a puppy at her beck and call as it isn't attractive.
As always, know little beyond what you have said, so if it goes wrong never mind
I think me putting some space between us while still being a friend is best. More hours at work, get back into running. Stop being available to her instantly when she wants me to be. I guess I'll find out how much she wants/needs me after that.
She's not a bad person by any means. I've just hurt her a lot and she's getting some revenge - I can understand that.
Hainey said:
Yeah, alright then. You've nailed yourself to the cross enough.
Go spend your next £300 on a night out involving ladies whose clothes fall off for £20 and then watch your perspective reset itself.
I think I need to keep myself to myself for a while. I haven't given up on this 100% yet, just for now. Go spend your next £300 on a night out involving ladies whose clothes fall off for £20 and then watch your perspective reset itself.
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