Mid life crisis. Has anybody had one?
Discussion
Are you two having an MLC where you have to win at all costs? If not, let's get back on track, please...
...this thread has had some interesting stuff in it. I'm approaching the age classically associated with MLCs, so being able to read of others' experiences has been enlightening, and I appreciate people's humility and openness in sharing.
...this thread has had some interesting stuff in it. I'm approaching the age classically associated with MLCs, so being able to read of others' experiences has been enlightening, and I appreciate people's humility and openness in sharing.
The last few years for me having been tough. Stressful job - where admittedly a lot of stress comes from myself - meant I was a zombie walking through life. Didn't enjoy life outside of work as my brain was still partially on the job.
I've had a rude awakening by my partner as I've been rubbish, and now realising at the same time I'm 36 and not getting any younger. On the face of it I have a good "proper" life:
- Home owner where I want to be
- Highish paying job
- No real responsibilities
- In theory can spend time and money on the things I love
But I don't. I spend it in a mire of inadequacy and panic. It was this, and my girlfriend reading me the riot act earlier in the year that jump-started a mid-life crisis. It's been very very painful and was near the point of ending everything in April. Primarily because of:
1) I don't have any kids (kind of always put the idea off as it sounded like far too much hard work, and I was already a stress head)
2) However, I don't enjoy my time like I should (and don't have proper close friends in touching distance)
I started therapy in Jan to help undo some of the s
t in my head but it's slow going.
I don't know what the answer is. My OH is 34 and she's been fairly strong on not wanting kids, and that was fine for me as I didn't need the extra burden, but now I'm getting pretty strong regret and urge to have kids. I know 36 isn't too late, but it's something I need to take very seriously.
I've had a rude awakening by my partner as I've been rubbish, and now realising at the same time I'm 36 and not getting any younger. On the face of it I have a good "proper" life:
- Home owner where I want to be
- Highish paying job
- No real responsibilities
- In theory can spend time and money on the things I love
But I don't. I spend it in a mire of inadequacy and panic. It was this, and my girlfriend reading me the riot act earlier in the year that jump-started a mid-life crisis. It's been very very painful and was near the point of ending everything in April. Primarily because of:
1) I don't have any kids (kind of always put the idea off as it sounded like far too much hard work, and I was already a stress head)
2) However, I don't enjoy my time like I should (and don't have proper close friends in touching distance)
I started therapy in Jan to help undo some of the s
t in my head but it's slow going. I don't know what the answer is. My OH is 34 and she's been fairly strong on not wanting kids, and that was fine for me as I didn't need the extra burden, but now I'm getting pretty strong regret and urge to have kids. I know 36 isn't too late, but it's something I need to take very seriously.
Interesting to see this has popped back up.
What I thought would be the solution to all my problems, work and changing job, hasn’t made the slightest difference.
Been in the new job for just over a year and the situation persists.
In fact it might have made it worse because I haven’t got the comfort blanket of knowing what the fk I am talking about with the previous job.
What I thought would be the solution to all my problems, work and changing job, hasn’t made the slightest difference.
Been in the new job for just over a year and the situation persists.
In fact it might have made it worse because I haven’t got the comfort blanket of knowing what the f
k I am talking about with the previous job.Megaflow said:
Revisiting this with some positive news. The lack of a challenge at work has been addressed, I have been offered an accepted a new position.
A very interesting position that will certainly be interesting. I have gone past the excited stage and am currently in the ‘oh sh*t’ stage…
A very interesting position that will certainly be interesting. I have gone past the excited stage and am currently in the ‘oh sh*t’ stage…
GroundEffect said:
My OH is 34 and she's been fairly strong on not wanting kids, and that was fine for me as I didn't need the extra burden, but now I'm getting pretty strong regret and urge to have kids. I know 36 isn't too late, but it's something I need to take very seriously.
If you manage to persuade your OH to have kids, then unless something major changes in the meantime, won't the arrival of kids be likely to stress you and your relationship further?trevalvole said:
GroundEffect said:
My OH is 34 and she's been fairly strong on not wanting kids, and that was fine for me as I didn't need the extra burden, but now I'm getting pretty strong regret and urge to have kids. I know 36 isn't too late, but it's something I need to take very seriously.
If you manage to persuade your OH to have kids, then unless something major changes in the meantime, won't the arrival of kids be likely to stress you and your relationship further?GroundEffect said:
trevalvole said:
GroundEffect said:
My OH is 34 and she's been fairly strong on not wanting kids, and that was fine for me as I didn't need the extra burden, but now I'm getting pretty strong regret and urge to have kids. I know 36 isn't too late, but it's something I need to take very seriously.
If you manage to persuade your OH to have kids, then unless something major changes in the meantime, won't the arrival of kids be likely to stress you and your relationship further?If you're in the situation where you want kids and she doesn't, but that you might re-evaluate that at the end of the year, ight I politely suggest that:
1) every period she has between now and then is an egg she won't get back until she runs out
2) even if she does have a volte face and decides she wants to be a mum, you may well struggle to conceive, a whole new world of stress.
3) having children should not be taken lightly. You are never really ready for it. Kicking the can down the road for seven months will not change that.
Honestly, I know it's an overused expression, but 'man up' to this situation and deal with it now, not then.
Having children is a massive commitment and total change of lifestyle. It shouldn't be used as a sticking plaster in a relationship, which is how it comes across here.
I appreciate the candidness. My wish for kids is coming from an existential base with my midlife crisis, I believe, not as a sticking plaster for a relationship. That's why we've agreed what we did. Making such a big decision when I was in the middle of an anxiety and mid life crisis was not wise.
She just turned 34 so whilst I know clock is ticking louder each day, it's still a big decision to make. Our relationship is already poor (almost entirely through my own fault). We need to see if we want to be together before we try to include kids in it. I don't want kids to solve my relationship, but im worried about not having kids full stop...for now.
She deserves the best partner she can get and I need to deliver that. And if she still doesn't want kids, then it's time to move on (if I still feel the same way end of the year).
She just turned 34 so whilst I know clock is ticking louder each day, it's still a big decision to make. Our relationship is already poor (almost entirely through my own fault). We need to see if we want to be together before we try to include kids in it. I don't want kids to solve my relationship, but im worried about not having kids full stop...for now.
She deserves the best partner she can get and I need to deliver that. And if she still doesn't want kids, then it's time to move on (if I still feel the same way end of the year).
GroundEffect said:
I appreciate the candidness. My wish for kids is coming from an existential base with my midlife crisis, I believe, not as a sticking plaster for a relationship. That's why we've agreed what we did. Making such a big decision when I was in the middle of an anxiety and mid life crisis was not wise.
She just turned 34 so whilst I know clock is ticking louder each day, it's still a big decision to make. Our relationship is already poor (almost entirely through my own fault). We need to see if we want to be together before we try to include kids in it. I don't want kids to solve my relationship, but im worried about not having kids full stop...for now.
She deserves the best partner she can get and I need to deliver that. And if she still doesn't want kids, then it's time to move on (if I still feel the same way end of the year).
What's the reason for waiting until the end of the year? It'll be easier to make a break without kids so if the doubt is there, I'd do it now. If she's not interested in kids then her clock probably isn't ticking. She just turned 34 so whilst I know clock is ticking louder each day, it's still a big decision to make. Our relationship is already poor (almost entirely through my own fault). We need to see if we want to be together before we try to include kids in it. I don't want kids to solve my relationship, but im worried about not having kids full stop...for now.
She deserves the best partner she can get and I need to deliver that. And if she still doesn't want kids, then it's time to move on (if I still feel the same way end of the year).
GroundEffect said:
I appreciate the candidness. My wish for kids is coming from an existential base with my midlife crisis, I believe, not as a sticking plaster for a relationship. That's why we've agreed what we did. Making such a big decision when I was in the middle of an anxiety and mid life crisis was not wise.
She just turned 34 so whilst I know clock is ticking louder each day, it's still a big decision to make. Our relationship is already poor (almost entirely through my own fault). We need to see if we want to be together before we try to include kids in it. I don't want kids to solve my relationship, but im worried about not having kids full stop...for now.
She deserves the best partner she can get and I need to deliver that. And if she still doesn't want kids, then it's time to move on (if I still feel the same way end of the year).
I think you need to be kinder to yourself. Some of the language you are using about yourself is very harsh. You've said your mental health is not good and that it has taken you to some very dark places. You're getting help, which is great, but these things are not easy to fix and will take time.She just turned 34 so whilst I know clock is ticking louder each day, it's still a big decision to make. Our relationship is already poor (almost entirely through my own fault). We need to see if we want to be together before we try to include kids in it. I don't want kids to solve my relationship, but im worried about not having kids full stop...for now.
She deserves the best partner she can get and I need to deliver that. And if she still doesn't want kids, then it's time to move on (if I still feel the same way end of the year).
It's great that you want to be the best partner you can be, but you won't be able to do that when you're not well (which you've said you're not). Give yourself some time and space to work out what you want. If your partner is the right person for you she will wait and help you to do that (whatever the outcome). You might have done all that by the end of the year, but you might not. Both outcomes are OK.
The one thing I will add is that you do have time. We had our first child at 36 and our second at 38. I have friends who were even older. As others have said, kids are not a fix to anything but will be life changing.
Good luck my friend. I wish you the very best!
GroundEffect please, no matter how busy work is, book 2 weeks off and go away with your partner. The end of the year is 7 months away and that's far far too long. You both need to know now - take some time out and rekindle some magic. If you can't - you've just saved half a year of your life.
I've just read through this thread & the majority of posts have hit home with me
I'm struggling with a few things. Seem to have developed really bad anxiety, although thinking back i'm sure i've always had it
I pushed myself in my career, ended up at the level i wanted to get too, then a couple of years late i resigned from it
Took over a business that has went from being ticking along to being crazy busy all the time
I think my partner has switched off towards me, although for the past year she has been blaming the menopause but something inside me is telling me otherwise. I give her everything ..
I'm stuck in a constant cycle of work that is 100mph & then a lonely home life.
Weekends i end up drinking a lot to try & dull the pain, i've also been drinking most nights ... a few beers but thats it.
We have a little nine year old that needs us both, but sometimes i just want to throw the towel in .... not in a i've had enough of life but just say bugger this i want out
I'm struggling with a few things. Seem to have developed really bad anxiety, although thinking back i'm sure i've always had it
I pushed myself in my career, ended up at the level i wanted to get too, then a couple of years late i resigned from it
Took over a business that has went from being ticking along to being crazy busy all the time
I think my partner has switched off towards me, although for the past year she has been blaming the menopause but something inside me is telling me otherwise. I give her everything ..
I'm stuck in a constant cycle of work that is 100mph & then a lonely home life.
Weekends i end up drinking a lot to try & dull the pain, i've also been drinking most nights ... a few beers but thats it.
We have a little nine year old that needs us both, but sometimes i just want to throw the towel in .... not in a i've had enough of life but just say bugger this i want out
Edited by ComStrike on Thursday 23 May 14:15
ComStrike said:
I've just read through this thread & the majority of posts have hit home with me
I'm struggling with a few things. Seem to have developed really bad anxiety, although thinking back i'm sure i've always had it
I pushed myself in my career, ended up at the level i wanted to get too, then a couple of years late i resigned from it
Took over a business that has went from being ticking along to being crazy busy all the time
I think my partner has switched off towards me, although for the past year she has been blaming the menopause but something inside me is telling me otherwise. I give her everything ..
I'm stuck in a constant cycle of work that is 100mph & then a lonely home life.
Weekends i end up drinking a lot to try & dull the pain, i've also been drinking most nights ... a few beers but thats it.
We have a little nine year old that needs us both, but sometimes i just want to throw the towel in .... not in a i've had enough of life but just say bugger this i want out
I know it's easy to say it but not so easy to do it, but drinking to try and put a plaster on something like this is a perpetuating cycle of sI'm struggling with a few things. Seem to have developed really bad anxiety, although thinking back i'm sure i've always had it
I pushed myself in my career, ended up at the level i wanted to get too, then a couple of years late i resigned from it
Took over a business that has went from being ticking along to being crazy busy all the time
I think my partner has switched off towards me, although for the past year she has been blaming the menopause but something inside me is telling me otherwise. I give her everything ..
I'm stuck in a constant cycle of work that is 100mph & then a lonely home life.
Weekends i end up drinking a lot to try & dull the pain, i've also been drinking most nights ... a few beers but thats it.
We have a little nine year old that needs us both, but sometimes i just want to throw the towel in .... not in a i've had enough of life but just say bugger this i want out
Edited by ComStrike on Thursday 23 May 14:15
t. You drink, your sleep suffers, your mood drops and the cycle just continues. If it was simply for a social,that's fair enough as at least you've got an outlet but if it's just at home, even a few cans is enough to make a significant impact. Chicken Chaser said:
I know it's easy to say it but not so easy to do it, but drinking to try and put a plaster on something like this is a perpetuating cycle of st. You drink, your sleep suffers, your mood drops and the cycle just continues. If it was simply for a social,that's fair enough as at least you've got an outlet but if it's just at home, even a few cans is enough to make a significant impact.
Thanks for the reply CCt. You drink, your sleep suffers, your mood drops and the cycle just continues. If it was simply for a social,that's fair enough as at least you've got an outlet but if it's just at home, even a few cans is enough to make a significant impact. I had a bit of an episode at the weekend & make a decision to stop drinking for the foreseeable.
I've been having conversations with myself for a while, as i know its been affecting me
I've really no hobbies, i used to goto the Gym a lot but since my partner had our son, she suffered really badly with PND & i was walking on eggshells for a good few years, put a bit of weight on & now my life revolves around work, home & my son's football
I'm still questioning a lot of things in my head.
Like most of the posters on this thread, from the outside looking in, i've a good life. Nice house. Nice cars. Nice holidays but something is missing. Maybe its the closeness i'm missing, maybe its something else
Maybe i just need to vent ...
Gassing Station | Health Matters | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff