Sex after having kids
Discussion
CraigNewmarket said:
The weeks we have it we are fine and get along the weeks we don't have it she gets fed up of talking about it and it causes arguments.
More like the weeks you have sex you are fine.Seems like you are spending your whole life thinking about having sex, and she is spending hers thinking about ways not to have it.
Do you not see that even when you do have it she probably doesn't want to but has been beaten into submission, and it is easier for her to let you pleasure yourself with her for a few minutes to get it over with, than constantly arguing about it.
If you think that is the basis for a good relationship you are wrong, and one day she will finally call and end to it.
Would you constantly want to have sex with somebody you no longer fancied knowing how unhappy it was making you?
Monkeylegend said:
More like the weeks you have sex you are fine.
Seems like you are spending your whole life thinking about having sex, and she is spending hers thinking about ways not to have it.
Do you not see that even when you do have it she probably doesn't want to but has been beaten into submission, and it is easier for her to let you pleasure yourself with her for a few minutes to get it over with, than constantly arguing about it.
If you think that is the basis for a good relationship you are wrong, and one day she will finally call and end to it.
Would you constantly want to have sex with somebody you no longer fancied knowing how unhappy it was making you?
I don't spend my whole life thinking about sex but I'm not ready to give up on it just yet. She does get the sex buzz after we have sex becoming really chatty and saying next time we have sex bla bla bla Seems like you are spending your whole life thinking about having sex, and she is spending hers thinking about ways not to have it.
Do you not see that even when you do have it she probably doesn't want to but has been beaten into submission, and it is easier for her to let you pleasure yourself with her for a few minutes to get it over with, than constantly arguing about it.
If you think that is the basis for a good relationship you are wrong, and one day she will finally call and end to it.
Would you constantly want to have sex with somebody you no longer fancied knowing how unhappy it was making you?
I think sex is part of a relationship and once a week isnt too much to hope for.
Or just accept she wants the whole relationship but not the sex part?
CraigNewmarket said:
I don't spend my whole life thinking about sex but I'm not ready to give up on it just yet. She does get the sex buzz after we have sex becoming really chatty and saying next time we have sex bla bla bla
I think sex is part of a relationship and once a week isnt too much to hope for.
Or just accept she wants the whole relationship but not the sex part?
The way you’ve written does sound a bit like come designated “sex time” you’re upstairs, naked waiting for her to sit on you.I think sex is part of a relationship and once a week isnt too much to hope for.
Or just accept she wants the whole relationship but not the sex part?
Have you considered that instead of agreeing to sex once a week you should be making the effort for ‘intimacy’ once a week.
Instead of lying awake for hours feeling frustrated, why don’t you offer her a massage on nights she’s not in the mood. Or offer to run her a bath and light a few candles.
If she starts to think you value that time because it’s a chance to reconnect with her (rather than get your end away) you might find the spark returns naturally.
I’m speaking from the experience of 3 kids - the youngest two being nearly three. So I know what you’re going through. It is worth the effort though.
King David said:
The way you’ve written does sound a bit like come designated “sex time” you’re upstairs, naked waiting for her to sit on you.
Have you considered that instead of agreeing to sex once a week you should be making the effort for ‘intimacy’ once a week.
Instead of lying awake for hours feeling frustrated, why don’t you offer her a massage on nights she’s not in the mood. Or offer to run her a bath and light a few candles.
If she starts to think you value that time because it’s a chance to reconnect with her (rather than get your end away) you might find the spark returns naturally.
I’m speaking from the experience of 3 kids - the youngest two being nearly three. So I know what you’re going through. It is worth the effort though.
Thanks David, I always say to her why don't you get a bath even during the day on a weekend so no sexual expectation going on but she doesn't take me up on it. How you coped since the birth of your youngest I'm presuming twins? Not asking for all the details just in general? Have you considered that instead of agreeing to sex once a week you should be making the effort for ‘intimacy’ once a week.
Instead of lying awake for hours feeling frustrated, why don’t you offer her a massage on nights she’s not in the mood. Or offer to run her a bath and light a few candles.
If she starts to think you value that time because it’s a chance to reconnect with her (rather than get your end away) you might find the spark returns naturally.
I’m speaking from the experience of 3 kids - the youngest two being nearly three. So I know what you’re going through. It is worth the effort though.
CraigNewmarket said:
King David said:
The way you’ve written does sound a bit like come designated “sex time” you’re upstairs, naked waiting for her to sit on you.
Have you considered that instead of agreeing to sex once a week you should be making the effort for ‘intimacy’ once a week.
Instead of lying awake for hours feeling frustrated, why don’t you offer her a massage on nights she’s not in the mood. Or offer to run her a bath and light a few candles.
If she starts to think you value that time because it’s a chance to reconnect with her (rather than get your end away) you might find the spark returns naturally.
I’m speaking from the experience of 3 kids - the youngest two being nearly three. So I know what you’re going through. It is worth the effort though.
Thanks David, I always say to her why don't you get a bath even during the day on a weekend so no sexual expectation going on but she doesn't take me up on it. How you coped since the birth of your youngest I'm presuming twins? Not asking for all the details just in general? Have you considered that instead of agreeing to sex once a week you should be making the effort for ‘intimacy’ once a week.
Instead of lying awake for hours feeling frustrated, why don’t you offer her a massage on nights she’s not in the mood. Or offer to run her a bath and light a few candles.
If she starts to think you value that time because it’s a chance to reconnect with her (rather than get your end away) you might find the spark returns naturally.
I’m speaking from the experience of 3 kids - the youngest two being nearly three. So I know what you’re going through. It is worth the effort though.
What was your sex life like before children? After kids there's more hormones involved, changes to her body, more stress, more tiredness etc. Add in us men sometimes let ourselves go a bit, communication changes, and generally things become more child centric and less dopamine fuelled by doing more date things so the connection feels and bond can feel differently.
I've been in similar situations at times, and my wife generally says 'when you're stressed and acting like a dick it doesn't make me want to have sex' so I try and not take out stresses on her or guilt her into it. The post a few up has the right idea, the massages are generally speaking a winner most times, but actually it can be so much as having proper conversations, a bit of a flirt etc. Actually the sex is better now and I fancy her more, which probably isn't mutual!
That said, also being in tune and talking things through also helps. Knowing when she's tired, stressed, emotionally not there, etc all helps.
Sure we're not doing it as much, but I focus more on quality over quantity these days. Some guys have partners with high sex drives but I think they're not the norm after many years of marriage/dating.
CraigNewmarket said:
Thanks David, I always say to her why don't you get a bath even during the day on a weekend so no sexual expectation going on but she doesn't take me up on it. How you coped since the birth of your youngest I'm presuming twins? Not asking for all the details just in general?
Yes - twins.Honestly. If I’d posted about our sex situation in the first two years I’m sure there would have been plenty of posters here telling me that I had let myself go or that she must be cheating on me
The fact is we were both shattered. She was also full of hormones and after a full day of being pulled at and sucked on, the last thing wanted was to be touched more.
About a year ago we both decided it was time to focus on us again. Our first focus was to give each time to be ourselves, that meant time to get to the gym or meet friends for a quick drink. Then we made sure we booked a couple of weekends away without the kids.
It’s taken time (and a certain amount of scheduled sex
) but we’re back to a place where we know we love each other and have a relationship beyond the kids.For what it’s worth I think it’s brave of you posting this. You do deserve to be happy in your relationship and you are entitled to ask questions about the future. But remember that these early years are 10x harder on women than it is on men - no matter how much of an equal parent you are.
Bloxxcreative said:
Try also not to compare yourself with others or what your friends see and say. It won't help mentally deal with things and actually men can be full of **** so they don't sound like they're not getting it regularly.
Also this 100%Focus on you and your wife. Don’t compare your situation with others and assume that the majority of people are embellishing their numbers.
King David said:
CraigNewmarket said:
Thanks David, I always say to her why don't you get a bath even during the day on a weekend so no sexual expectation going on but she doesn't take me up on it. How you coped since the birth of your youngest I'm presuming twins? Not asking for all the details just in general?
Yes - twins.Honestly. If I’d posted about our sex situation in the first two years I’m sure there would have been plenty of posters here telling me that I had let myself go or that she must be cheating on me
The fact is we were both shattered. She was also full of hormones and after a full day of being pulled at and sucked on, the last thing wanted was to be touched more.
About a year ago we both decided it was time to focus on us again. Our first focus was to give each time to be ourselves, that meant time to get to the gym or meet friends for a quick drink. Then we made sure we booked a couple of weekends away without the kids.
It’s taken time (and a certain amount of scheduled sex
) but we’re back to a place where we know we love each other and have a relationship beyond the kids.For what it’s worth I think it’s brave of you posting this. You do deserve to be happy in your relationship and you are entitled to ask questions about the future. But remember that these early years are 10x harder on women than it is on men - no matter how much of an equal parent you are.
Would also agree OP has been brave!
King David said:
Yes - twins.
Honestly. If I’d posted about our sex situation in the first two years I’m sure there would have been plenty of posters here telling me that I had let myself go or that she must be cheating on me
The fact is we were both shattered. She was also full of hormones and after a full day of being pulled at and sucked on, the last thing wanted was to be touched more.
About a year ago we both decided it was time to focus on us again. Our first focus was to give each time to be ourselves, that meant time to get to the gym or meet friends for a quick drink. Then we made sure we booked a couple of weekends away without the kids.
It’s taken time (and a certain amount of scheduled sex ) but we’re back to a place where we know we love each other and have a relationship beyond the kids.
For what it’s worth I think it’s brave of you posting this. You do deserve to be happy in your relationship and you are entitled to ask questions about the future. But remember that these early years are 10x harder on women than it is on men - no matter how much of an equal parent you are.
Hear, hear! Very good post.Honestly. If I’d posted about our sex situation in the first two years I’m sure there would have been plenty of posters here telling me that I had let myself go or that she must be cheating on me
The fact is we were both shattered. She was also full of hormones and after a full day of being pulled at and sucked on, the last thing wanted was to be touched more.
About a year ago we both decided it was time to focus on us again. Our first focus was to give each time to be ourselves, that meant time to get to the gym or meet friends for a quick drink. Then we made sure we booked a couple of weekends away without the kids.
It’s taken time (and a certain amount of scheduled sex
) but we’re back to a place where we know we love each other and have a relationship beyond the kids.For what it’s worth I think it’s brave of you posting this. You do deserve to be happy in your relationship and you are entitled to ask questions about the future. But remember that these early years are 10x harder on women than it is on men - no matter how much of an equal parent you are.
It may (I've got a copy and not made the time to read it yet) be worth looking at https://www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Women-Have-Sex-Unders... .
xeny said:
It may (I've got a copy and not made the time to read it yet) be worth looking at https://www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Women-Have-Sex-Unders... .
Just reading the preface sort of confirmed my thinking ! We’re all doomed
CraigNewmarket said:
King David said:
Instead of lying awake for hours feeling frustrated, why don’t you offer her a massage on nights she’s not in the mood. Or offer to run her a bath and light a few candles.
If she starts to think you value that time because it’s a chance to reconnect with her (rather than get your end away) you might find the spark returns naturally.
I always say to her why don't you get a bath even during the day on a weekend so no sexual expectation going on but she doesn't take me up on it. If she starts to think you value that time because it’s a chance to reconnect with her (rather than get your end away) you might find the spark returns naturally.
Sheets Tabuer said:
Howitzer said:
My dogs cost more than my kids a month by a long way at the minute. The price is worth it as my dogs have never not wanted to give me some attention, they always love me, always want a walk and always want to be in the same room.
I have at times though seemingly annoyed everyone else in the house and they all think I’m a dick.
Dogs are like a comfort blanket for adults but they fart.
Dave!
Is that because you're very needy? I have at times though seemingly annoyed everyone else in the house and they all think I’m a dick.
Dogs are like a comfort blanket for adults but they fart.
Dave!
Dave!
redrabbit29 said:
Probably been said before but how many times on average in a week or month would you consider is "normal" for you?
My partner and I don't have kids but thought I'd hijack the thread by asking here.
Difficult one to answer as everyone is different. I once worked with a woman who had been married to her husband for over 10 years and he still expected sex once a day which she was not happy about.My partner and I don't have kids but thought I'd hijack the thread by asking here.
I have dated a woman who early on told me she liked sex twice a day, When she saw the look on my face she replied "Once a day?". Even in the early days honeymoon period once a day would be too much for me.
I don't have children who live with me and I would say once or twice a week is fine. I think most men who are in relationships where they are still having sex don't think about it much, it seems to be the men who are in sexless relationships who think about it all the time.
"Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any". - John Callahan
redrabbit29 said:
Probably been said before but how many times on average in a week or month would you consider is "normal" for you?
My partner and I don't have kids but thought I'd hijack the thread by asking here.
I think that can be a dangerous question to ask if you’re looking for reassurance because :My partner and I don't have kids but thought I'd hijack the thread by asking here.
a. Everyone lies
b. Every relationship is different
We go through phases where it might be once or twice a week. Other time maybe a few months will pass with nothing.
There’s nothing sinister going on in the dry spells. We’re just normally focussed on other things.
GT3Manthey said:
xeny said:
It may (I've got a copy and not made the time to read it yet) be worth looking at https://www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Women-Have-Sex-Unders... .
Just reading the preface sort of confirmed my thinking ! We’re all doomed
Joey Deacon said:
Difficult one to answer as everyone is different. I once worked with a woman who had been married to her husband for over 10 years and he still expected sex once a day which she was not happy about.
I have dated a woman who early on told me she liked sex twice a day, When she saw the look on my face she replied "Once a day?". Even in the early days honeymoon period once a day would be too much for me.
I don't have children who live with me and I would say once or twice a week is fine. I think most men who are in relationships where they are still having sex don't think about it much, it seems to be the men who are in sexless relationships who think about it all the time.
"Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any". - John Callahan
Think I read the saying on here that sex is 90% of a bad relationship and 10% of a good one. If it could have sex whenever I wanted it I say 3/4 times a week but i dont expect that. The funny thing is if we could have it on whatever day I wanted once a week I wouldn't crave it as much. It doesn't help we agree a day we are having sex then it's delayed a few days after that. its a huge stress relief for me and makes up for other parts of my life I don't like doing or enjoy. I've been in relationships before where the sex slowed down after a while and I just didn't enjoy been in the relationship anymore. I have dated a woman who early on told me she liked sex twice a day, When she saw the look on my face she replied "Once a day?". Even in the early days honeymoon period once a day would be too much for me.
I don't have children who live with me and I would say once or twice a week is fine. I think most men who are in relationships where they are still having sex don't think about it much, it seems to be the men who are in sexless relationships who think about it all the time.
"Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any". - John Callahan
But this never happened with me and my current partner before we decided to have kids. We never argued about anything which is probably why I saw her as a stable partner and wanted kids with her in the first place.
It's not even about the physical act its more the emotional side of it, been rejected from someone you loves feels awful and makes you question everything about your future together.
I felt much closer too her at the time we got engaged than now.
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