Sex after having kids
Discussion
QJumper said:
I mean, what are his options?
Do nothing and sit it out, hoping things will improve? Easier said than done, and who knows if and when that might work.
i.e. expect her to change and not himDo nothing and sit it out, hoping things will improve? Easier said than done, and who knows if and when that might work.
QJumper said:
Express how he feels about it? Perfectly reasonable, but unfortunately puts presssure on the other party and probably makes things worse.
i.e. emotionally vomit all over her and make it worse. Again expect her to change.QJumper said:
Threatens to leave if things don't change? As above, with the addition of coming across as bullying or coercive.
i.e. act like a needy child, expect her to changeQJumper said:
Withdraws from his end of the relationship? Again, not unreasonable, but likely to be accused of being petty and tit for tat.
i.e. sulk like a child, expect her to changeQJumper said:
Actually leave? Hard to do when you love someone, believe there's hope, and especially if you have kids.
Blowing up the relationship would be a last resort, but at least in this example he's taking action and not expecting her to.QJumper said:
The reality is that he's in a situation where something that was previously part of his relationship has been withdrawn. He doesn't appear to have done anything wrong, and yet anything he tries to do about it (short of just sucking it up), including expressing his feelings about it, results in him being made out to be the bad guy.
The reality is, OP is playing the victim but has he stopped to look at himself? I made it clear in my previous post about why she's withdrawn sex from him.QJumper said:
Society (women partcularly), are forever saying that men should be more expressive with their feelings and open about what they want, and yet when someone does they get called whiny and needy.
Probably the best he can do is have a frank conversation with her and ask her where she stands. Does she feel that this is a temporary thing, that she just needs a little time for, or has she lost feelings for him and the relationship is over. If the former then counselling might help, at least in as much as it might advise him how best to give her the required space and take the pressure off. If the latter then at least he can no longer be strung along, either by himself or her.
Probably the best thing he can do is STFU and forget about sex as the object. Work on himself. Join a gym/find a new hobby/get a new job/chase some skirt/do whatever else he wants.Probably the best he can do is have a frank conversation with her and ask her where she stands. Does she feel that this is a temporary thing, that she just needs a little time for, or has she lost feelings for him and the relationship is over. If the former then counselling might help, at least in as much as it might advise him how best to give her the required space and take the pressure off. If the latter then at least he can no longer be strung along, either by himself or her.
Ultimately she either doesn't want to have sex, or she doesn't want to have sex with him.
No amount of whining/begging/scheduling sex/buying Peloton bikes is going to change either. The two are different problems and OP can only control one of them. A few months of making yourself more attractive as a partner should give you a better idea about which one is true, and then decide whether the relationship is worth maintaining or not.
samdy said:
Probably the best thing he can do is STFU and forget about sex as the object. Work on himself. Join a gym/find a new hobby/get a new job/chase some skirt/do whatever else he wants.
Ultimately she either doesn't want to have sex, or she doesn't want to have sex with him.
No amount of whining/begging/scheduling sex/buying Peloton bikes is going to change either. The two are different problems and OP can only control one of them. A few months of making yourself more attractive as a partner should give you a better idea about which one is true, and then decide whether the relationship is worth maintaining or not.
Mate you're a bit late to this party, a few other posters have given the OP frank advice like this and so far he's failed to take any of it onboard so I'm afraid it seems like a lost cause Ultimately she either doesn't want to have sex, or she doesn't want to have sex with him.
No amount of whining/begging/scheduling sex/buying Peloton bikes is going to change either. The two are different problems and OP can only control one of them. A few months of making yourself more attractive as a partner should give you a better idea about which one is true, and then decide whether the relationship is worth maintaining or not.
Hi All thanks for everyone's comments, don't think it's a attraction thing she still goes on about planning a wedding and a honeymoon.
Don't know if I've posted this or not but I bought the peloton because I thought her losing weight would make her feel better about herself. She's mentioned before about her body after having kids etc. I also have encouraged her to start running outdoors which she does frequently just to give her some free headspace.
When we have sex planned I can tell the way it will go as soon as we get to bed, sometimes she's on her phone on facebook for a hour in bed which is really frustrating for me when ive been waiting days. It always gets knocked back a few days from when we are supposed to have it.
I don't understand why she never thinks I'm going to put some effort in tonight for him.
I just feel like I'm constantly compromising and getting nowhere, woke up in a mood about it this morning. Don't know whether too be angry or sad about it.
Don't know if I've posted this or not but I bought the peloton because I thought her losing weight would make her feel better about herself. She's mentioned before about her body after having kids etc. I also have encouraged her to start running outdoors which she does frequently just to give her some free headspace.
When we have sex planned I can tell the way it will go as soon as we get to bed, sometimes she's on her phone on facebook for a hour in bed which is really frustrating for me when ive been waiting days. It always gets knocked back a few days from when we are supposed to have it.
I don't understand why she never thinks I'm going to put some effort in tonight for him.
I just feel like I'm constantly compromising and getting nowhere, woke up in a mood about it this morning. Don't know whether too be angry or sad about it.
CraigNewmarket said:
Hi All thanks for everyone's comments, don't think it's a attraction thing she still goes on about planning a wedding and a honeymoon.
Her wanting to get married has nothing to do with attraction, she has an idea of a lifestyle she wants in her mind and she wants her princess day. The issue for you is that once you are married it is even less likely you two will have sex.CraigNewmarket said:
When we have sex planned I can tell the way it will go as soon as we get to bed, sometimes she's on her phone on facebook for a hour in bed which is really frustrating for me when ive been waiting days. It always gets knocked back a few days from when we are supposed to have it.
I don't understand why she never thinks I'm going to put some effort in tonight for him.
I just feel like I'm constantly compromising and getting nowhere, woke up in a mood about it this morning. Don't know whether too be angry or sad about it.
Because the reality is she doesn't actually want to have sex with you and is making excuses and using delay tactics to get out if it. She will agree to shut you up for a bit, and as you say you can tell straight away that she making excuses and delaying so it doesn't happen. A lot of married men know these tactics until the have been knocked back so many times they just accept it and don't bother trying anymore.I don't understand why she never thinks I'm going to put some effort in tonight for him.
I just feel like I'm constantly compromising and getting nowhere, woke up in a mood about it this morning. Don't know whether too be angry or sad about it.
Personally I think the fact you are basically having to arrange with her to have sex is not a healthy sign either, and as I say it is only going to get worse if you marry her.
Joey Deacon said:
CraigNewmarket said:
Hi All thanks for everyone's comments, don't think it's a attraction thing she still goes on about planning a wedding and a honeymoon.
Her wanting to get married has nothing to do with attraction, she has an idea of a lifestyle she wants in her mind and she wants her princess day. The issue for you is that once you are married it is even less likely you two will have sex.I'm not sure she wants a princess wedding were only talking a out a small one with close family only.
CraigNewmarket said:
When we have sex planned I can tell the way it will go as soon as we get to bed, sometimes she's on her phone on facebook for a hour in bed which is really frustrating for me when ive been waiting days. It always gets knocked back a few days from when we are supposed to have it.
I don't understand why she never thinks I'm going to put some effort in tonight for him.
I just feel like I'm constantly compromising and getting nowhere, woke up in a mood about it this morning. Don't know whether too be angry or sad about it.
Because the reality is she doesn't actually want to have sex with you and is making excuses and using delay tactics to get out if it. She will agree to shut you up for a bit, and as you say you can tell straight away that she making excuses and delaying so it doesn't happen. A lot of married men know these tactics until the have been knocked back so many times they just accept it and don't bother trying anymore.I don't understand why she never thinks I'm going to put some effort in tonight for him.
I just feel like I'm constantly compromising and getting nowhere, woke up in a mood about it this morning. Don't know whether too be angry or sad about it.
Personally I think the fact you are basically having to arrange with her to have sex is not a healthy sign either, and as I say it is only going to get worse if you marry her.
I wouldn't marry her as it stands today, I just feel lied too and feel like she doesn't care and doesn't make the effort.
CraigNewmarket said:
I don't understand why she never thinks I'm going to put some effort in tonight for him.
Because she doesn't want to have sex with you during this period of time.It's not personal - she likely doesn't want to have sex with anyone.
Sex is a highly emotional activity for women. If they really don't want to do it, it's not happening. Nor should it happen if they feel that way.
You seem to take this as a personal slight, which is not illogical but also probably not accurate. However, you ultimately need to be patient if you are going to remain with this person.
CraigNewmarket said:
Hi All thanks for everyone's comments, don't think it's a attraction thing she still goes on about planning a wedding and a honeymoon.
Don't know if I've posted this or not but I bought the peloton because I thought her losing weight would make her feel better about herself. She's mentioned before about her body after having kids etc. I also have encouraged her to start running outdoors which she does frequently just to give her some free headspace.
When we have sex planned I can tell the way it will go as soon as we get to bed, sometimes she's on her phone on facebook for a hour in bed which is really frustrating for me when ive been waiting days. It always gets knocked back a few days from when we are supposed to have it.
I don't understand why she never thinks I'm going to put some effort in tonight for him.
I just feel like I'm constantly compromising and getting nowhere, woke up in a mood about it this morning. Don't know whether too be angry or sad about it.
Planning sex? It it in the dairy? Spontaneous is better than planning it IMO especially as I imagine in your case it’s always you doing the planning. Don't know if I've posted this or not but I bought the peloton because I thought her losing weight would make her feel better about herself. She's mentioned before about her body after having kids etc. I also have encouraged her to start running outdoors which she does frequently just to give her some free headspace.
When we have sex planned I can tell the way it will go as soon as we get to bed, sometimes she's on her phone on facebook for a hour in bed which is really frustrating for me when ive been waiting days. It always gets knocked back a few days from when we are supposed to have it.
I don't understand why she never thinks I'm going to put some effort in tonight for him.
I just feel like I'm constantly compromising and getting nowhere, woke up in a mood about it this morning. Don't know whether too be angry or sad about it.
BoRED S2upid said:
Planning sex? It it in the dairy? Spontaneous is better than planning it IMO especially as I imagine in your case it’s always you doing the planning.
At the minute it's planned or go without we've tried the lets be spontaneous and it never happens. If it's planned then there's no expectation when we go to bedCraigNewmarket said:
Hi All thanks for everyone's comments, don't think it's a attraction thing she still goes on about planning a wedding and a honeymoon.
Don't know if I've posted this or not but I bought the peloton because I thought her losing weight would make her feel better about herself. She's mentioned before about her body after having kids etc. I also have encouraged her to start running outdoors which she does frequently just to give her some free headspace.
When we have sex planned I can tell the way it will go as soon as we get to bed, sometimes she's on her phone on facebook for a hour in bed which is really frustrating for me when ive been waiting days. It always gets knocked back a few days from when we are supposed to have it.
I don't understand why she never thinks I'm going to put some effort in tonight for him.
I just feel like I'm constantly compromising and getting nowhere, woke up in a mood about it this morning. Don't know whether too be angry or sad about it.
There is a scene in “Salmon Fishing in the Yemen” where the lead character’s wife has sex with him to satisfy his needs and with no desire on her part. A very average film, but a really impactful scene - it sounds like it might resonate a little.Don't know if I've posted this or not but I bought the peloton because I thought her losing weight would make her feel better about herself. She's mentioned before about her body after having kids etc. I also have encouraged her to start running outdoors which she does frequently just to give her some free headspace.
When we have sex planned I can tell the way it will go as soon as we get to bed, sometimes she's on her phone on facebook for a hour in bed which is really frustrating for me when ive been waiting days. It always gets knocked back a few days from when we are supposed to have it.
I don't understand why she never thinks I'm going to put some effort in tonight for him.
I just feel like I'm constantly compromising and getting nowhere, woke up in a mood about it this morning. Don't know whether too be angry or sad about it.
Nearly four months since you first posted and nothing has changed, does this not tell you something?
You are fixated on sex but also seem very immature in your attitude and you clearly have no understanding of women or how relationships work and evolve.
Sex should not be a transaction in a healthy relationship and the way you are dealing with this will come back to bite you sooner rather than later.
It is also embarrassing and demeaning to both her and you that you continue to speak so publically so often about it to randoms on the internet.
Just my viewpoint which I don't expect many will agree with
You are fixated on sex but also seem very immature in your attitude and you clearly have no understanding of women or how relationships work and evolve.
Sex should not be a transaction in a healthy relationship and the way you are dealing with this will come back to bite you sooner rather than later.
It is also embarrassing and demeaning to both her and you that you continue to speak so publically so often about it to randoms on the internet.
Just my viewpoint which I don't expect many will agree with
Monkeylegend said:
Nearly four months since you first posted and nothing has changed, does this not tell you something?
You are fixated on sex but also seem very immature in your attitude and you clearly have no understanding of women or how relationships work and evolve.
Sex should not be a transaction in a healthy relationship and the way you are dealing with this will come back to bite you sooner rather than later.
It is also embarrassing and demeaning to both her and you that you continue to speak so publically so often about it to randoms on the internet.
Just my viewpoint which I don't expect many will agree with
So I should just expect nothing? Put all the work and effort in and be rejected for the one thing I can't get anywhere else. Just plod along and be unhappy until I don't even want sex anymore. You are fixated on sex but also seem very immature in your attitude and you clearly have no understanding of women or how relationships work and evolve.
Sex should not be a transaction in a healthy relationship and the way you are dealing with this will come back to bite you sooner rather than later.
It is also embarrassing and demeaning to both her and you that you continue to speak so publically so often about it to randoms on the internet.
Just my viewpoint which I don't expect many will agree with
Edited by CraigNewmarket on Tuesday 12th December 11:26
CraigNewmarket said:
Monkeylegend said:
Nearly four months since you first posted and nothing has changed, does this not tell you something?
You are fixated on sex but also seem very immature in your attitude and you clearly have no understanding of women or how relationships work and evolve.
Sex should not be a transaction in a healthy relationship and the way you are dealing with this will come back to bite you sooner rather than later.
It is also embarrassing and demeaning to both her and you that you continue to speak so publically so often about it to randoms on the internet.
Just my viewpoint which I don't expect many will agree with
So I should just expect nothing? Put all the work and effort in and be rejected for the one thing I can't get anywhere else. Just plod along and be unhappy until I don't even want sex anymore. You are fixated on sex but also seem very immature in your attitude and you clearly have no understanding of women or how relationships work and evolve.
Sex should not be a transaction in a healthy relationship and the way you are dealing with this will come back to bite you sooner rather than later.
It is also embarrassing and demeaning to both her and you that you continue to speak so publically so often about it to randoms on the internet.
Just my viewpoint which I don't expect many will agree with
Edited by CraigNewmarket on Tuesday 12th December 11:26
I do feel for you on this. It's very PH to take the piss and make out it's all your fault but it must be tough on you mentally.
As hard as it might be (no pun intended), try not to think about it, mention it or plan anything. Give her some time and space and try to value the little things together - she will eventually appreciate this and recognize what you've done and the sacrifices you've made.
Relationships are tough, having kids is tough (especially a 1 and 4 year old ffs), her bits are probably still in pieces and she's knackered. We're a similar age to you and your Wife and life can be really tough, sometimes all I want to do at 9pm is climb into bed and sleep.
Hang in there and ignore the posters who are trying to act clever, they're probably in a similar situation..
As hard as it might be (no pun intended
), try not to think about it, mention it or plan anything. Give her some time and space and try to value the little things together - she will eventually appreciate this and recognize what you've done and the sacrifices you've made.Relationships are tough, having kids is tough (especially a 1 and 4 year old ffs), her bits are probably still in pieces and she's knackered. We're a similar age to you and your Wife and life can be really tough, sometimes all I want to do at 9pm is climb into bed and sleep.
Hang in there and ignore the posters who are trying to act clever, they're probably in a similar situation..
CraigNewmarket said:
Monkeylegend said:
I would love to hear your partners side to this story.
I expect she would say she's worn out after having the 1 year old all day and sex is still uncomfortable and my partner never stops going on about it.Edited by CraigNewmarket on Tuesday 12th December 11:39
Just read that back to yourself very slowly and let it sink in.
Edited by Monkeylegend on Tuesday 12th December 12:30
CraigNewmarket said:
Monkeylegend said:
I would love to hear your partners side to this story.
I expect she would say she's worn out after having the 1 year old all day and sex is still uncomfortable and my partner never stops going on about it.Edited by CraigNewmarket on Tuesday 12th December 11:39
CraigNewmarket said:
Monkeylegend said:
I would love to hear your partners side to this story.
I expect she would say she's worn out after having the 1 year old all day and sex is still uncomfortable and my partner never stops going on about it.Edited by CraigNewmarket on Tuesday 12th December 11:39
Do you take the kids off her hands? Give her a break? If not do this. Do it this weekend take them both to the Zoo tell her to have a day off.
BoRED S2upid said:
There you go. Stop it with the constant pressure sex night is a bad idea and is just going to put her under more pressure.
Do you take the kids off her hands? Give her a break? If not do this. Do it this weekend take them both to the Zoo tell her to have a day off.
If I take my son out for about 2 hours for a rest I get jumped on.....women are bizarre species. Do you take the kids off her hands? Give her a break? If not do this. Do it this weekend take them both to the Zoo tell her to have a day off.
Gassing Station | Health Matters | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff