Discussion
twing said:
"Not wanting to engage with anything doesn’t make me a nasty person. I think its easy for the lines to be blurred between an illness and someone not acting very nice."
This bit really struck a chord.
I'm really sorry about your relationship. When I think about it my last two have failed partly down to my inability to behave as I "should".
If it's any help at all I have met someone who, although I could never live with her, does understand my problems to a degree and she manages to help me a little bit.
Thank you for your blog, it helps me understand some of the oddities in my head.
Good luck!
Glad its not just me feeling like this! This bit really struck a chord.
I'm really sorry about your relationship. When I think about it my last two have failed partly down to my inability to behave as I "should".
If it's any help at all I have met someone who, although I could never live with her, does understand my problems to a degree and she manages to help me a little bit.
Thank you for your blog, it helps me understand some of the oddities in my head.
Good luck!
A lesson learnt. Depression never leaves you.
https://howfootballruinedmylife.wordpress.com/2015...
This blog post is, I feel as raw and uncut as I have ever wrote. It is how I feel at this exact moment and I make no apologies for that. After it wouldn't be a very good blog if I diluted my thoughts and didn't explain what it's like to suffer with depression.
Reflecting on this thread I started 4 years ago, there are now 37 pages of discussion on a predominately male orientated forum, about depression, that can only be a good thing, people sharing and passing on advice.
https://howfootballruinedmylife.wordpress.com/2015...
This blog post is, I feel as raw and uncut as I have ever wrote. It is how I feel at this exact moment and I make no apologies for that. After it wouldn't be a very good blog if I diluted my thoughts and didn't explain what it's like to suffer with depression.
Reflecting on this thread I started 4 years ago, there are now 37 pages of discussion on a predominately male orientated forum, about depression, that can only be a good thing, people sharing and passing on advice.
This blog post is very dark and if your not in a positive frame of mind you might be best avoiding it.
It is however me baring my soul and being completely honest about how I feel. No bulls
t, undiluted and honest.
https://howfootballruinedmylife.wordpress.com/2015...
It is however me baring my soul and being completely honest about how I feel. No bulls
t, undiluted and honest. https://howfootballruinedmylife.wordpress.com/2015...
caduceus said:
Ruskie said:
This blog post is very dark and if your not in a positive frame of mind you might be best avoiding it.
It is however me baring my soul and being completely honest about how I feel. No bullst, undiluted and honest.
https://howfootballruinedmylife.wordpress.com/2015...
I too am going through it at the moment and not in a good frame of mind at all. But I did read your blog and you have my respect for being so open about your feelings. Does it not help to 'get it out there'?It is however me baring my soul and being completely honest about how I feel. No bulls
t, undiluted and honest. https://howfootballruinedmylife.wordpress.com/2015...
Also, I find sometimes, better to think about what I do have, and not dwell on what I don't or have recently lost.
Edited by caduceus on Wednesday 22 July 16:38
When I started the blog I had three things in mind.
- To raise awareness of mental health/depression in men.
- To raise awareness of mental health/depression in professional football.
- To aid my recovery if at all possible.
To help continue raising awareness I have started a page on facebook. If you could take time to like and share my original blog post posted on there I would be immensely grateful. Thanks a lot.
https://www.facebook.com/pages/How-Football-ruined...
- To raise awareness of mental health/depression in men.
- To raise awareness of mental health/depression in professional football.
- To aid my recovery if at all possible.
To help continue raising awareness I have started a page on facebook. If you could take time to like and share my original blog post posted on there I would be immensely grateful. Thanks a lot.
https://www.facebook.com/pages/How-Football-ruined...
Nervasport said:
Hi all its been a while....
basically its coming up to my step sons memorial (his death is my trigger for this horrible illness) and after listening to the radio last night where they were discussing depression, I thought I'd try put into words how this is affecting me and try to make sense of things.
It'll be 3 years on October 18th my step son passed on due to health problems at the very young age of 2 years and a week off his third birthday. I understand he's died but what I can't understand is why? why does anyone die? My brain keeps telling me something happened but I'm reluctant to accept it...
When that happened I had literally thrown myself into working every hour God sent to try block it out, meanwhile as I was doing this I was trying to run a house single handedly as Mrs nervasport was quite understandably in a world of hurt too and had became withdrawn so I plodded on to try get back to normal.
What shocked me next was a month after his passing was that little nervasport was going to make an appearance in 9 months time which threw extra stress on me. Having a little one on the way made me feel on constant edge after what had happened with him.
Anyway... Fast forward to December and I think that's when it had hit me I'd became depressed, I'd become a shadow of my former self. Grief, pregnancy, money worries and the rest which were getting on top of me. I tried to tell Mrs nervasport but she didn't want to know, our relationship since then has been pretty st, it became a toxic environment and over time grew to resent one another.
When I hit my lowest of lows i used to think to myself when I was driving by myself 'that would be a great place to crash and end it all' but thankfully I didn't.
We stayed together for the sake of little nervasport and in July 2013 she made an appearance and everything seemed ok. But when his first memorial was approaching i went into meltdown and didn't want to see or speak to anyone for God knows how long.
When her father had invited us to a family bbq, I was raring to go out and try get back to being me but I don't know why but I just lost it again and curled up and cried and stayed home, I felt ashamed to be depressed, I didn't think it would happen to me but it has.
I've had counselling but she stopped contacting me and hasn't got back to me since September last year.... And feel a bit st for not being able to see it through.
The past few years have been turbulent to say the least.
Me and Mrs nervasport now live apart for the sake of little nervasport so she didn't see us fighting everyday as she doesn't need to see that and well we get on better now and that's half the battle I suppose and my daughter brings absolute joy to my life. If it wasn't for her I'd probably be pushing up daisies.
I do think of my stepson everyday but those memories I had of him have been replaced by him in that hospice room drugged up to the eyeballs on morphine and having to watch him die.
It is hard to put into words how I feel now as I simply don't know..... Probably empty is the best word I guess.
I hadn't realised how much of a bd I had been to people until last night..... The radio presenter was describing everything I am today, miserable, bitter, resentful, confused to name but a few. I wish i wasn't like this but I am. I don't think I'll ever be the same again.
I'm sorry if none of this makes sense and might think its just rambling but this feels sort of better to actually be able to look at it and think how to get myself out of it.
Well done on getting it out there and writing it down. I know how hard that is to do and I could empathise with a lot of what you are saying especially your last paragraph.basically its coming up to my step sons memorial (his death is my trigger for this horrible illness) and after listening to the radio last night where they were discussing depression, I thought I'd try put into words how this is affecting me and try to make sense of things.
It'll be 3 years on October 18th my step son passed on due to health problems at the very young age of 2 years and a week off his third birthday. I understand he's died but what I can't understand is why? why does anyone die? My brain keeps telling me something happened but I'm reluctant to accept it...
When that happened I had literally thrown myself into working every hour God sent to try block it out, meanwhile as I was doing this I was trying to run a house single handedly as Mrs nervasport was quite understandably in a world of hurt too and had became withdrawn so I plodded on to try get back to normal.
What shocked me next was a month after his passing was that little nervasport was going to make an appearance in 9 months time which threw extra stress on me. Having a little one on the way made me feel on constant edge after what had happened with him.
Anyway... Fast forward to December and I think that's when it had hit me I'd became depressed, I'd become a shadow of my former self. Grief, pregnancy, money worries and the rest which were getting on top of me. I tried to tell Mrs nervasport but she didn't want to know, our relationship since then has been pretty s
t, it became a toxic environment and over time grew to resent one another.When I hit my lowest of lows i used to think to myself when I was driving by myself 'that would be a great place to crash and end it all' but thankfully I didn't.
We stayed together for the sake of little nervasport and in July 2013 she made an appearance and everything seemed ok. But when his first memorial was approaching i went into meltdown and didn't want to see or speak to anyone for God knows how long.
When her father had invited us to a family bbq, I was raring to go out and try get back to being me but I don't know why but I just lost it again and curled up and cried and stayed home, I felt ashamed to be depressed, I didn't think it would happen to me but it has.
I've had counselling but she stopped contacting me and hasn't got back to me since September last year.... And feel a bit s
t for not being able to see it through.The past few years have been turbulent to say the least.
Me and Mrs nervasport now live apart for the sake of little nervasport so she didn't see us fighting everyday as she doesn't need to see that and well we get on better now and that's half the battle I suppose and my daughter brings absolute joy to my life. If it wasn't for her I'd probably be pushing up daisies.
I do think of my stepson everyday but those memories I had of him have been replaced by him in that hospice room drugged up to the eyeballs on morphine and having to watch him die.
It is hard to put into words how I feel now as I simply don't know..... Probably empty is the best word I guess.
I hadn't realised how much of a b
d I had been to people until last night..... The radio presenter was describing everything I am today, miserable, bitter, resentful, confused to name but a few. I wish i wasn't like this but I am. I don't think I'll ever be the same again.I'm sorry if none of this makes sense and might think its just rambling but this feels sort of better to actually be able to look at it and think how to get myself out of it.
Edited by Nervasport on Thursday 3rd September 13:37
I have been quiet lately but it's there stalking me. I'm on the brink of a crippling down period. This is my first blog for a month. The catalyst is insomnia and rejection.
As always I really appreciate any feedback and interaction, good or bad.
https://howfootballruinedmylife.wordpress.com/2015...
As always I really appreciate any feedback and interaction, good or bad.
https://howfootballruinedmylife.wordpress.com/2015...
Reality. I'm getting really good at this depression thing.
https://howfootballruinedmylife.wordpress.com/2015...
https://howfootballruinedmylife.wordpress.com/2015...
throt said:
Ruskie and Tonyvid,
From what I have read I would blame 80% of your depression on both of your relationships breakdown.
I read, "soulmate" , "wanting to be held" and "eggs in one basket", among more, theses were all in relation to your X's.
Have you guys talked to specialist on these subjects, these seem the main issues for you two.
All the very best guys...
That's just my feelings currently. My depression started long before the relationship problems.From what I have read I would blame 80% of your depression on both of your relationships breakdown.
I read, "soulmate" , "wanting to be held" and "eggs in one basket", among more, theses were all in relation to your X's.
Have you guys talked to specialist on these subjects, these seem the main issues for you two.
All the very best guys...
https://howfootballruinedmylife.wordpress.com/2015...
Bits. In total bits.
To those who have sent me personal messages I will reply I due course. Thanks a lot.
Bits. In total bits.
To those who have sent me personal messages I will reply I due course. Thanks a lot.
mouse1991 said:
I'm ready to give up.
When all is said and done I just want to stop existing. If there was a button I could press to make this life stop, make me disappear, I wouldn't hesitate.
For as long as I can remember I've fallen asleep at night imagining myself dying in multiply, beautiful ways. I'm convinced I shouldn't be here, my elder sister should be in my place (she died at 9 months). I'm a mistake, It's clear to me.
I pray for an illness that would kill me, a dignified end to this miserable life. I can't go on living with this knot in my stomach any longer, it's been with me for 35 years.
I've tried to be happy, tried to be a good person, worked hard, sacrificed so others could benefit. Doesn't work.
I visit my family and friends, see them enjoying life, the happiness in their eyes. It cuts me up. To be a spectator in life is cruel, I want so much to take part. So I sit here after yet another setback, waiting for things to turn around. I don't want to be disappointed any longer.
Maybe this is just another low point, just another dip in the rollercoaster. I just want to get off tbh,.
Sorry to get all heavy but this is how I feel. I'm sure there are many of you who suffer depression and do so coping with greater problems then I have to deal with. I feel guilty even writing this ste down.
Your not alone in your thoughts. As I have stated earlier in the thread I'm not in a position to offer advice but you have my sympathy.When all is said and done I just want to stop existing. If there was a button I could press to make this life stop, make me disappear, I wouldn't hesitate.
For as long as I can remember I've fallen asleep at night imagining myself dying in multiply, beautiful ways. I'm convinced I shouldn't be here, my elder sister should be in my place (she died at 9 months). I'm a mistake, It's clear to me.
I pray for an illness that would kill me, a dignified end to this miserable life. I can't go on living with this knot in my stomach any longer, it's been with me for 35 years.
I've tried to be happy, tried to be a good person, worked hard, sacrificed so others could benefit. Doesn't work.
I visit my family and friends, see them enjoying life, the happiness in their eyes. It cuts me up. To be a spectator in life is cruel, I want so much to take part. So I sit here after yet another setback, waiting for things to turn around. I don't want to be disappointed any longer.
Maybe this is just another low point, just another dip in the rollercoaster. I just want to get off tbh,.
Sorry to get all heavy but this is how I feel. I'm sure there are many of you who suffer depression and do so coping with greater problems then I have to deal with. I feel guilty even writing this s
te down.I'm having a tough time at the moment. Just getting through life.
https://howfootballruinedmylife.wordpress.com/2015...
https://howfootballruinedmylife.wordpress.com/2015...
mouse1991 said:
Bad month for everyone it seems.
After yet another setback this week I considered get my affairs in order. The knot in my stomach over the past few days has become so bad its now painful. I feel like I've been punched in the guts.
And all I can think of are the words of my mental health therapist, 'suicide isn't the answer, think of the pain and distress you'd put your loved ones through'.
So I just have to exist.
Reading Ruskie's latest blog was spooky, I could have written it myself almost word for word.
I know exactly that feeling you have in your stomach. I have had it a few weeks now. After yet another setback this week I considered get my affairs in order. The knot in my stomach over the past few days has become so bad its now painful. I feel like I've been punched in the guts.
And all I can think of are the words of my mental health therapist, 'suicide isn't the answer, think of the pain and distress you'd put your loved ones through'.
So I just have to exist.
Reading Ruskie's latest blog was spooky, I could have written it myself almost word for word.
https://howfootballruinedmylife.wordpress.com/2015...
My latest blog about the little white lies we tell, when we have depression.
My latest blog about the little white lies we tell, when we have depression.
vetrof said:
Ruskie said:
Ruskie, have you listened to that podcast I linked a couple of posts up? Having been a footballer you may well have suffered traumatic brain injury. Have you had any hormone level tests?It's coming to light that soldiers who have never suffered injury are experiencing the symptoms and it is being attributed to repeated concussive (close proximity to heavy weapon firing) incidents.
Certainly heading a football thousands of times could fall into this category. Not to mention head clashes.
Give yourself 3 hours and give it a listen.
Good luck.
Gassing Station | Health Matters | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff