The death of my father
Discussion
Firstly, not knowing which round hole to put this square peg in to, this sub forum subject group seems at least somewhat apt. If I've made a complete hash posting here please do move.
OK, deep breath.
As per the title. I lost my Dad on May 1st this year. He was 83. That said, he was in great health, spritely, and in our family we have strong old age genes (his Mum made it to 97, his Aunt 107!)
His health history wasn't perfect. He had Parkinsons, and in his 70's he had Prostate Cancer, which he received the all clear on after 6 months.
Dumb and Sad split their time between home in Nottinghamshire, and also spent maybe a third of the year in their static van in Pembrokeshire (their favourite place) This is where he had his last days. On Monday the 20th of April I took a text from my brother, who was there with them. "nothing to worry about (famous last words) but Dad has been taken to hospital, having had a funny turn, I'll keep you updated"
Around lunch time I had a horrid gut feeling that there was more going off than I was being made privy to. My wife text my Mum, suspecting that she was 'shielding' me from the full story. Mum replied "this is quite serious, it could go either way". Upon hearing this I got my stuff together, my wife booked me a local Airbnb, and I got in the car to take the 4 hour drive there.
When I arrived at around teatime, I text Mum to let her know I'd arrived. She replied that my brother and sister were at the van shortly, having just popped out for a chippy takeaway, so I should head there. She said leave it until tomorrow to go to the hospital, as there really was no update.
Tuesday morning, I headed to Withybush Hospital in Haverfordwest. Upon being greeted by Mum we went up to Dads ward. For whatever reason I was not prepared for the first sight of him. I was expecting him to be just 'asleep' for the want of a better word, but no, he was connected up to all sorts of wires, all over, up his nose, in his mouth, all over his arms and chest. She told me he was in an induced coma, and that now was simply a wating game.
By Friday (24th) the consensus (Mum, brother [ex paramedic] and the doctors/nurses) was to 'unplug' him (yeah, I know that makes him sound like a PC, but you know what I mean) to see if he reacts well to all of the meds. By Tuesday (28th) Mum (who is very tell it how it is) told me he was essentially dying, accordingly, I made a decision to say my goodbyes to him, whilst there was still 'someone' I knew there.
He died at 6.30pm on Friday the 1st of May.
His wish was always to be buried. With this in mind (wanting a natural burial) he couldn't be repatriated to Notts, so he was buried at a natural burial site near to Haverfordwest in Pembrokeshire, on the 19th May. Before the service, I thought I'd spent all my tears. Not a chance. From first seeing his hearse pull up at the van site, to walking behind it to the chapel, throughout the service itself, then seeing him be buried. No shame, I cried like a child through it all.
So, why am I now writing all this down? (and well done if you have got this far)
Whilst he filled the chapel in Broad Haven, Pembrokeshire, attendees were largely restricted to friends they'd made locally in the 35 odd years they holidayed there.
Today, at 1.30 in his home town in Notts is a follow up memorial service. This is for all his many friends and relatives, who of course we couldn't expect to travel 300 miles to HFW. I am currently here s
t scared that emotions are now going to overflow once again. For most attending the service, this will be the first time they can display their grief, their hurt, or their sadness. Many many people who I have grown up knowing and loving.
I suppose where I need help as as follows. Being honest, and sure no one will dispute, PH's is largely made up of middle aged men. Many men who will likely have gone through exactly what I'm going through now.
When does the 'rawness' of it fade? One friend, now without both his parents, said after the first lot of important dates passing, his first birthday/ Christmas/ New Year etc without him, things get easier. Is there any truth in this? For the last (approaching) 7 weeks since this all came about, I have been angry, sad, short tempered at times, teary on occasions, reflect full, missing him, and plenty of other emotions which I can't even think of naming. Waking up is weird, often 20 seconds or so after waking it hits me again, and I don't see this changing anytime soon.
To the PH masses, any words of advice will be MASSIVELY appreciated, as truthfully, I'm struggling to navigate this all.
Rip Dad, Harry
OK, deep breath.
As per the title. I lost my Dad on May 1st this year. He was 83. That said, he was in great health, spritely, and in our family we have strong old age genes (his Mum made it to 97, his Aunt 107!)
His health history wasn't perfect. He had Parkinsons, and in his 70's he had Prostate Cancer, which he received the all clear on after 6 months.
Dumb and Sad split their time between home in Nottinghamshire, and also spent maybe a third of the year in their static van in Pembrokeshire (their favourite place) This is where he had his last days. On Monday the 20th of April I took a text from my brother, who was there with them. "nothing to worry about (famous last words) but Dad has been taken to hospital, having had a funny turn, I'll keep you updated"
Around lunch time I had a horrid gut feeling that there was more going off than I was being made privy to. My wife text my Mum, suspecting that she was 'shielding' me from the full story. Mum replied "this is quite serious, it could go either way". Upon hearing this I got my stuff together, my wife booked me a local Airbnb, and I got in the car to take the 4 hour drive there.
When I arrived at around teatime, I text Mum to let her know I'd arrived. She replied that my brother and sister were at the van shortly, having just popped out for a chippy takeaway, so I should head there. She said leave it until tomorrow to go to the hospital, as there really was no update.
Tuesday morning, I headed to Withybush Hospital in Haverfordwest. Upon being greeted by Mum we went up to Dads ward. For whatever reason I was not prepared for the first sight of him. I was expecting him to be just 'asleep' for the want of a better word, but no, he was connected up to all sorts of wires, all over, up his nose, in his mouth, all over his arms and chest. She told me he was in an induced coma, and that now was simply a wating game.
By Friday (24th) the consensus (Mum, brother [ex paramedic] and the doctors/nurses) was to 'unplug' him (yeah, I know that makes him sound like a PC, but you know what I mean) to see if he reacts well to all of the meds. By Tuesday (28th) Mum (who is very tell it how it is) told me he was essentially dying, accordingly, I made a decision to say my goodbyes to him, whilst there was still 'someone' I knew there.
He died at 6.30pm on Friday the 1st of May.
His wish was always to be buried. With this in mind (wanting a natural burial) he couldn't be repatriated to Notts, so he was buried at a natural burial site near to Haverfordwest in Pembrokeshire, on the 19th May. Before the service, I thought I'd spent all my tears. Not a chance. From first seeing his hearse pull up at the van site, to walking behind it to the chapel, throughout the service itself, then seeing him be buried. No shame, I cried like a child through it all.
So, why am I now writing all this down? (and well done if you have got this far)
Whilst he filled the chapel in Broad Haven, Pembrokeshire, attendees were largely restricted to friends they'd made locally in the 35 odd years they holidayed there.
Today, at 1.30 in his home town in Notts is a follow up memorial service. This is for all his many friends and relatives, who of course we couldn't expect to travel 300 miles to HFW. I am currently here s
t scared that emotions are now going to overflow once again. For most attending the service, this will be the first time they can display their grief, their hurt, or their sadness. Many many people who I have grown up knowing and loving. I suppose where I need help as as follows. Being honest, and sure no one will dispute, PH's is largely made up of middle aged men. Many men who will likely have gone through exactly what I'm going through now.
When does the 'rawness' of it fade? One friend, now without both his parents, said after the first lot of important dates passing, his first birthday/ Christmas/ New Year etc without him, things get easier. Is there any truth in this? For the last (approaching) 7 weeks since this all came about, I have been angry, sad, short tempered at times, teary on occasions, reflect full, missing him, and plenty of other emotions which I can't even think of naming. Waking up is weird, often 20 seconds or so after waking it hits me again, and I don't see this changing anytime soon.
To the PH masses, any words of advice will be MASSIVELY appreciated, as truthfully, I'm struggling to navigate this all.
Rip Dad, Harry
Very sorry for your loss. Sounds like he was a great man and you have a lovely family.
I lost my mum, somewhat unexpectedly, last February. She'd been ill for a while, but had hidden the full extent of it from me. Took a rapid turn for the worse in January, and was gone within a few days.
I'm an only child, and have a somewhat emotionally flat connection with my dad, so now we're all each other have it's been a bit of a readjustment period. In many ways I've been the responsible adult, and helped dad with all the paperwork and stuff. I really needed someone to be there for me, but didn't have that and instead got swallowed up in admin and all that, which kind of forced the grief into the background.
I've had a few good cries, but 16 months on, it still doesn't feel like I've fully processed it. Dad has his own health issues and it seems a case of lurching from issue to issue rather than accepting all the things that have happened so far.
Everyone is different of course, and there's no right or wrong way to grieve. It can take weeks, months, years, and never fully goes away.
I'm not sure this is much help! But I want to get across that it's ok to feel you're doing ok and have accepted it, only to be blindsided by grief at some random, unexpected trigger.
Feel free to drop me a message if you want to talk about anything
I lost my mum, somewhat unexpectedly, last February. She'd been ill for a while, but had hidden the full extent of it from me. Took a rapid turn for the worse in January, and was gone within a few days.
I'm an only child, and have a somewhat emotionally flat connection with my dad, so now we're all each other have it's been a bit of a readjustment period. In many ways I've been the responsible adult, and helped dad with all the paperwork and stuff. I really needed someone to be there for me, but didn't have that and instead got swallowed up in admin and all that, which kind of forced the grief into the background.
I've had a few good cries, but 16 months on, it still doesn't feel like I've fully processed it. Dad has his own health issues and it seems a case of lurching from issue to issue rather than accepting all the things that have happened so far.
Everyone is different of course, and there's no right or wrong way to grieve. It can take weeks, months, years, and never fully goes away.
I'm not sure this is much help! But I want to get across that it's ok to feel you're doing ok and have accepted it, only to be blindsided by grief at some random, unexpected trigger.
Feel free to drop me a message if you want to talk about anything
Been there. It was the worst time in my life by a massive margin. I've been broken ever since, crying at the most stupid things (but being a man I hide it well - like now as I am in the office on my own).
IME the only things that makes it less bad is time. No specific amount of time, but lots of it. In the first year you'll all get used to a new way of life without him. Everything will slowly normalise, to the new 'normal' at you'll all get used to it. You have to. There's no going back. Tears will come and go. There's also no avoiding that
It's a terrible time for you all right now but it may help to think how many people never made it that far. My dad was 59. Many others have passed away even earlier.
You've shared 83 years of amazing family times, that's something to smile about and be thankful for.
One thing it may be worth saying, is my wife and her sisters celebrate the life of their brother (4o yrs old) on the day he died each year. I can barely remember the year my dad died, because to me that could not be more irrelevant. Remembering the date, to me, is just an annual reminder of what happened on that day and I am not sure that's a good thing. Just my opinion of course, everyone's different.
IME the only things that makes it less bad is time. No specific amount of time, but lots of it. In the first year you'll all get used to a new way of life without him. Everything will slowly normalise, to the new 'normal' at you'll all get used to it. You have to. There's no going back. Tears will come and go. There's also no avoiding that
It's a terrible time for you all right now but it may help to think how many people never made it that far. My dad was 59. Many others have passed away even earlier.
You've shared 83 years of amazing family times, that's something to smile about and be thankful for.
One thing it may be worth saying, is my wife and her sisters celebrate the life of their brother (4o yrs old) on the day he died each year. I can barely remember the year my dad died, because to me that could not be more irrelevant. Remembering the date, to me, is just an annual reminder of what happened on that day and I am not sure that's a good thing. Just my opinion of course, everyone's different.
Edited by Frimley111R on Thursday 4th June 11:58
Firstly every sympathy and condolence to you and your family.
It is still very raw in date terms in your Dad passing.
Grief is a really weird thing and it affects everyone differently.
There are various different stages of grief including and starting with shock going through denial , anger , depression and then acceptance.
Each stage has no time limits ( short or long ) and indeed some stages may not happen.
You can also experience physical pain as a result.
There are also the weird parts where even if you know it’s not possible you “ see “ someone that you think may be your Dad.
I experienced this with my own Father ( in Tesco’s !) and prior to that with my favourite Uncle when I was much younger where despite being killed in a car crash I saw an identical car to his parked up and waited to see the person who owned it !
However grief shouldn’t be bottled up - it is natural and in its own way healing.
It does get better it really does but not after just one month unfortunately - it can take years.
You have to find time to grieve and never ever be embarrassed.
You also have to count the blessings of being able to say goodbye.
I was away on business when my own Father was taken seriously ill at the age of just 73 and in the Bahamas. What followed was a bit like planes trains and automobiles and involved getting back to Miami where Virgin had already said they would throw people off a plane to get me and my wife back.
We arrived to find someone rowing with them as he was the unlucky one !
Long story we got back to London and went straight to the hospital and luckily he had managed to cling on for me to say goodbye.
I think the other bit of advice I would give is to try and separate the entire situation into small boxes and to deal with each box on its own.
Why ? Simply because looking at the whole situation as one terrible time is very daunting.
PH can at times be hard work and aggressive but threads like this very very rarely and usually they tend to bring out the best in people in terms of advice or just simply saying something nice.
All the best to you.
It is still very raw in date terms in your Dad passing.
Grief is a really weird thing and it affects everyone differently.
There are various different stages of grief including and starting with shock going through denial , anger , depression and then acceptance.
Each stage has no time limits ( short or long ) and indeed some stages may not happen.
You can also experience physical pain as a result.
There are also the weird parts where even if you know it’s not possible you “ see “ someone that you think may be your Dad.
I experienced this with my own Father ( in Tesco’s !) and prior to that with my favourite Uncle when I was much younger where despite being killed in a car crash I saw an identical car to his parked up and waited to see the person who owned it !
However grief shouldn’t be bottled up - it is natural and in its own way healing.
It does get better it really does but not after just one month unfortunately - it can take years.
You have to find time to grieve and never ever be embarrassed.
You also have to count the blessings of being able to say goodbye.
I was away on business when my own Father was taken seriously ill at the age of just 73 and in the Bahamas. What followed was a bit like planes trains and automobiles and involved getting back to Miami where Virgin had already said they would throw people off a plane to get me and my wife back.
We arrived to find someone rowing with them as he was the unlucky one !
Long story we got back to London and went straight to the hospital and luckily he had managed to cling on for me to say goodbye.
I think the other bit of advice I would give is to try and separate the entire situation into small boxes and to deal with each box on its own.
Why ? Simply because looking at the whole situation as one terrible time is very daunting.
PH can at times be hard work and aggressive but threads like this very very rarely and usually they tend to bring out the best in people in terms of advice or just simply saying something nice.
All the best to you.
Many sincere thanks, genuinely, to those who have taken time out to respond to a fellow stranger with his struggles.
To all, and any who post over the coming hours: We (Wife and I) need to be leaving the house in 40 minutes, for the half hour drive to my hometown. I'm still sat here in scruffy shorts and polo top, so need to be getting my arse in to gear somewhat!
Accordingly, it may be this evening before I can respond further, or, subject to if I 'need' some beers this evening, in the morning. Many thanks once again all.
To all, and any who post over the coming hours: We (Wife and I) need to be leaving the house in 40 minutes, for the half hour drive to my hometown. I'm still sat here in scruffy shorts and polo top, so need to be getting my arse in to gear somewhat!
Accordingly, it may be this evening before I can respond further, or, subject to if I 'need' some beers this evening, in the morning. Many thanks once again all.
My dad died 8 weeks ago age 91. His last 3 months were in and out of hospital and care homes due to a failing heart, cancer and other issues. He told me on many occasions during those 3 months that he wanted to die because he had zero quality of life. He died peacefully in his sleep on April 7th.
I had bouts of uncontrollable crying for about a week after he died but fortunately the reality and relief that he was no longer in pain took over. That was also coupled with the fact that I started to focus on the wonderful memories I have of the fantastic father he was.
Grief is a very personal thing. My only suggestion is don’t fight any feelings you have. Cry when you feel like crying, be angry when you need to. Eventually the pain and anger will lesson and hopefully you’ll reach a stage where the good memories start to replace the bad feelings.
All the best - it’s not easy losing the only dad you’ll ever have
I had bouts of uncontrollable crying for about a week after he died but fortunately the reality and relief that he was no longer in pain took over. That was also coupled with the fact that I started to focus on the wonderful memories I have of the fantastic father he was.
Grief is a very personal thing. My only suggestion is don’t fight any feelings you have. Cry when you feel like crying, be angry when you need to. Eventually the pain and anger will lesson and hopefully you’ll reach a stage where the good memories start to replace the bad feelings.
All the best - it’s not easy losing the only dad you’ll ever have
Sorry for your loss OP. I lost my dad unexpectedly in 2021 at the age of 63 and it does get "easier" over time, especially after dealing with the first set of events in the following year but it never really goes away. The worst part for me was watching my mum struggling as she relied on my dad for so much and didn't do much without him. It took her the best part of a year to leave the house on her own but thankfully now has some kind of social life and support network with a small friend group who go on days out etc.
The most difficult thing for me currently is the number of occasions where I see something that only my dad would appreciate and want to call him to let him know. No one else I know really cares about seeing an unusual aircraft overhead, the latest motorsport goings on or even looking for bits of the strange DIY knowledge that I used to rely on from his 45+ years in multiple trades. He would be overjoyed to see his grandkids enjoying watching the football team he went to see every week but he never had the opportunity. It's not the big things that get you, it's the small things where you just want to ask for advice or share something and realise you can't.
The most difficult thing for me currently is the number of occasions where I see something that only my dad would appreciate and want to call him to let him know. No one else I know really cares about seeing an unusual aircraft overhead, the latest motorsport goings on or even looking for bits of the strange DIY knowledge that I used to rely on from his 45+ years in multiple trades. He would be overjoyed to see his grandkids enjoying watching the football team he went to see every week but he never had the opportunity. It's not the big things that get you, it's the small things where you just want to ask for advice or share something and realise you can't.
Timref81 said:
Firstly, not knowing which round hole to put this square peg in to, this sub forum subject group seems at least somewhat apt. If I've made a complete hash posting here please do move.
OK, deep breath.
As per the title. I lost my Dad on May 1st this year. He was 83. That said, he was in great health, spritely, and in our family we have strong old age genes (his Mum made it to 97, his Aunt 107!)
His health history wasn't perfect. He had Parkinsons, and in his 70's he had Prostate Cancer, which he received the all clear on after 6 months.
Dumb and Sad split their time between home in Nottinghamshire, and also spent maybe a third of the year in their static van in Pembrokeshire (their favourite place) This is where he had his last days. On Monday the 20th of April I took a text from my brother, who was there with them. "nothing to worry about (famous last words) but Dad has been taken to hospital, having had a funny turn, I'll keep you updated"
Around lunch time I had a horrid gut feeling that there was more going off than I was being made privy to. My wife text my Mum, suspecting that she was 'shielding' me from the full story. Mum replied "this is quite serious, it could go either way". Upon hearing this I got my stuff together, my wife booked me a local Airbnb, and I got in the car to take the 4 hour drive there.
When I arrived at around teatime, I text Mum to let her know I'd arrived. She replied that my brother and sister were at the van shortly, having just popped out for a chippy takeaway, so I should head there. She said leave it until tomorrow to go to the hospital, as there really was no update.
Tuesday morning, I headed to Withybush Hospital in Haverfordwest. Upon being greeted by Mum we went up to Dads ward. For whatever reason I was not prepared for the first sight of him. I was expecting him to be just 'asleep' for the want of a better word, but no, he was connected up to all sorts of wires, all over, up his nose, in his mouth, all over his arms and chest. She told me he was in an induced coma, and that now was simply a wating game.
By Friday (24th) the consensus (Mum, brother [ex paramedic] and the doctors/nurses) was to 'unplug' him (yeah, I know that makes him sound like a PC, but you know what I mean) to see if he reacts well to all of the meds. By Tuesday (28th) Mum (who is very tell it how it is) told me he was essentially dying, accordingly, I made a decision to say my goodbyes to him, whilst there was still 'someone' I knew there.
He died at 6.30pm on Friday the 1st of May.
His wish was always to be buried. With this in mind (wanting a natural burial) he couldn't be repatriated to Notts, so he was buried at a natural burial site near to Haverfordwest in Pembrokeshire, on the 19th May. Before the service, I thought I'd spent all my tears. Not a chance. From first seeing his hearse pull up at the van site, to walking behind it to the chapel, throughout the service itself, then seeing him be buried. No shame, I cried like a child through it all.
So, why am I now writing all this down? (and well done if you have got this far)
Whilst he filled the chapel in Broad Haven, Pembrokeshire, attendees were largely restricted to friends they'd made locally in the 35 odd years they holidayed there.
Today, at 1.30 in his home town in Notts is a follow up memorial service. This is for all his many friends and relatives, who of course we couldn't expect to travel 300 miles to HFW. I am currently here st scared that emotions are now going to overflow once again. For most attending the service, this will be the first time they can display their grief, their hurt, or their sadness. Many many people who I have grown up knowing and loving.
I suppose where I need help as as follows. Being honest, and sure no one will dispute, PH's is largely made up of middle aged men. Many men who will likely have gone through exactly what I'm going through now.
When does the 'rawness' of it fade? One friend, now without both his parents, said after the first lot of important dates passing, his first birthday/ Christmas/ New Year etc without him, things get easier. Is there any truth in this? For the last (approaching) 7 weeks since this all came about, I have been angry, sad, short tempered at times, teary on occasions, reflect full, missing him, and plenty of other emotions which I can't even think of naming. Waking up is weird, often 20 seconds or so after waking it hits me again, and I don't see this changing anytime soon.
To the PH masses, any words of advice will be MASSIVELY appreciated, as truthfully, I'm struggling to navigate this all.
Rip Dad, Harry
If your grief wants to come again.. bloody well let it come out..again and again and again.OK, deep breath.
As per the title. I lost my Dad on May 1st this year. He was 83. That said, he was in great health, spritely, and in our family we have strong old age genes (his Mum made it to 97, his Aunt 107!)
His health history wasn't perfect. He had Parkinsons, and in his 70's he had Prostate Cancer, which he received the all clear on after 6 months.
Dumb and Sad split their time between home in Nottinghamshire, and also spent maybe a third of the year in their static van in Pembrokeshire (their favourite place) This is where he had his last days. On Monday the 20th of April I took a text from my brother, who was there with them. "nothing to worry about (famous last words) but Dad has been taken to hospital, having had a funny turn, I'll keep you updated"
Around lunch time I had a horrid gut feeling that there was more going off than I was being made privy to. My wife text my Mum, suspecting that she was 'shielding' me from the full story. Mum replied "this is quite serious, it could go either way". Upon hearing this I got my stuff together, my wife booked me a local Airbnb, and I got in the car to take the 4 hour drive there.
When I arrived at around teatime, I text Mum to let her know I'd arrived. She replied that my brother and sister were at the van shortly, having just popped out for a chippy takeaway, so I should head there. She said leave it until tomorrow to go to the hospital, as there really was no update.
Tuesday morning, I headed to Withybush Hospital in Haverfordwest. Upon being greeted by Mum we went up to Dads ward. For whatever reason I was not prepared for the first sight of him. I was expecting him to be just 'asleep' for the want of a better word, but no, he was connected up to all sorts of wires, all over, up his nose, in his mouth, all over his arms and chest. She told me he was in an induced coma, and that now was simply a wating game.
By Friday (24th) the consensus (Mum, brother [ex paramedic] and the doctors/nurses) was to 'unplug' him (yeah, I know that makes him sound like a PC, but you know what I mean) to see if he reacts well to all of the meds. By Tuesday (28th) Mum (who is very tell it how it is) told me he was essentially dying, accordingly, I made a decision to say my goodbyes to him, whilst there was still 'someone' I knew there.
He died at 6.30pm on Friday the 1st of May.
His wish was always to be buried. With this in mind (wanting a natural burial) he couldn't be repatriated to Notts, so he was buried at a natural burial site near to Haverfordwest in Pembrokeshire, on the 19th May. Before the service, I thought I'd spent all my tears. Not a chance. From first seeing his hearse pull up at the van site, to walking behind it to the chapel, throughout the service itself, then seeing him be buried. No shame, I cried like a child through it all.
So, why am I now writing all this down? (and well done if you have got this far)
Whilst he filled the chapel in Broad Haven, Pembrokeshire, attendees were largely restricted to friends they'd made locally in the 35 odd years they holidayed there.
Today, at 1.30 in his home town in Notts is a follow up memorial service. This is for all his many friends and relatives, who of course we couldn't expect to travel 300 miles to HFW. I am currently here s
t scared that emotions are now going to overflow once again. For most attending the service, this will be the first time they can display their grief, their hurt, or their sadness. Many many people who I have grown up knowing and loving. I suppose where I need help as as follows. Being honest, and sure no one will dispute, PH's is largely made up of middle aged men. Many men who will likely have gone through exactly what I'm going through now.
When does the 'rawness' of it fade? One friend, now without both his parents, said after the first lot of important dates passing, his first birthday/ Christmas/ New Year etc without him, things get easier. Is there any truth in this? For the last (approaching) 7 weeks since this all came about, I have been angry, sad, short tempered at times, teary on occasions, reflect full, missing him, and plenty of other emotions which I can't even think of naming. Waking up is weird, often 20 seconds or so after waking it hits me again, and I don't see this changing anytime soon.
To the PH masses, any words of advice will be MASSIVELY appreciated, as truthfully, I'm struggling to navigate this all.
Rip Dad, Harry
Take a moment to realise all those people there today are there to appreciate your dad and a life well lived. I recently went to one where we gave the old boy a big round of applause.. it was so uplifting and people started smiling thinking about him rather than crying.
When you 're ready, this might be a bit theraputic for you..... ( dad and car content)
https://www.pistonheads.com/news/general-pistonhea...
Edited by sjc on Thursday 4th June 12:42
Sorry for your loss Tim, I lost my Dad 18 months ago at age 84.
Similar to you I had a great bond with him, but very sadly he developed dementia just after he was 80, the last four years of his life were very tough on him and the rest of our family, but especially him. By the end it was cruel to keep him alive, it is often said that "you wouldn't keep a dog in those conditions".
It was incredibly stressful and traumatic towards the end and, speaking frankly, a blessed relief when he finally passed. What actually killed him was sepsis from poor treatment of bed sores that were not managed properly on one of many repeated visits to A&E that dementia patients experience. As a family we probably had good grounds to sue the hospital involved for negligence, but in truth he was in such a bad state mentally and physically that his passing was the kindest thing that could happen. That's not the kind of end anyone hopes for their loved one, but it is what it is.
So, without wishing to be too much of a mood hoover, I think your Dad reached a ripe old age and passed without too much pain or suffering. There is a huge amount to be said for that, notwithstanding the fact that you will of course miss him and wish he was still here.
Reflect on the positives and celebrate his life. I was lucky to have my Dad for so long, he was a brilliant father, I just try to forget the bad bits at the end, even though it was tough. It's a cliche, but time is a great healer.
Similar to you I had a great bond with him, but very sadly he developed dementia just after he was 80, the last four years of his life were very tough on him and the rest of our family, but especially him. By the end it was cruel to keep him alive, it is often said that "you wouldn't keep a dog in those conditions".
It was incredibly stressful and traumatic towards the end and, speaking frankly, a blessed relief when he finally passed. What actually killed him was sepsis from poor treatment of bed sores that were not managed properly on one of many repeated visits to A&E that dementia patients experience. As a family we probably had good grounds to sue the hospital involved for negligence, but in truth he was in such a bad state mentally and physically that his passing was the kindest thing that could happen. That's not the kind of end anyone hopes for their loved one, but it is what it is.
So, without wishing to be too much of a mood hoover, I think your Dad reached a ripe old age and passed without too much pain or suffering. There is a huge amount to be said for that, notwithstanding the fact that you will of course miss him and wish he was still here.
Reflect on the positives and celebrate his life. I was lucky to have my Dad for so long, he was a brilliant father, I just try to forget the bad bits at the end, even though it was tough. It's a cliche, but time is a great healer.
Timref81 said:
When does the 'rawness' of it fade? One friend, now without both his parents, said after the first lot of important dates passing, his first birthday/ Christmas/ New Year etc without him, things get easier. Is there any truth in this?
Tim, Thanks for sharing. It's a terrible thing and I think we all forget in our daily lives that it's something we will all have to deal with at some point.My granded died 13 years ago, he was my Dad really (figuratively!) and I'll tell you that the rawness fades, it gets easier, I can't tell you when or how, but life goes on, now when I think of my Grandad it is in happy moments, things he would have said and done, I see myself in him, when I react to something I think 'that's exactly what he would have done' and it doesn't hurt (well, it does a bit) but mostly it makes me smile.
PH is an odd place at times but it can be carhtartic and most of us are here for positive reasons so always willing to lend a (metaphorical) ear.
I'm glad you gave your dad the burial he wanted, I don't believe in Gods or afterlives so I think the best we can do for those we love that die is to remember then and honour them in our thoughts and actions which you are doing a sterling job of!
Best wishes.
Sorry for your loss. We will all our own way of working through grief and loss and their is no one way to do it. The five stages are Denial, Anger, Depression, Bargaining and Acceptance. We can go through all of these stages in the same day, we can also get stuck in any of the stages. Even getting to acceptance doesn't mean you wont go back through the stages, particular when it comes towards significant dates or event. Also, there is no timescale to grief and loss.
Frimley111R said:
Been there. It was the worst time in my life by a massive margin. I've been broken ever since, crying at the most stupid things (but being a man I hide it well - like now as I am in the office on my own).
IME the only things that makes it less bad is time. No specific amount of time, but lots of it. In the first year you'll all get used to a new way of life without him. Everything will slowly normalise, to the new 'normal' at you'll all get used to it. You have to. There's no going back. Tears will come and go. There's also no avoiding that
It's a terrible time for you all right now but it may help to think how many people never made it that far. My dad was 59. Many others have passed away even earlier.
You've shared 83 years of amazing family times, that's something to smile about and be thankful for.
One thing it may be worth saying, is my wife and her sisters celebrate the life of their brother (4o yrs old) on the day he died each year. I can barely remember the year my dad died, because to me that could not be more irrelevant. Remembering the date, to me, is just an annual reminder of what happened on that day and I am not sure that's a good thing. Just my opinion of course, everyone's different.
These are wise words.IME the only things that makes it less bad is time. No specific amount of time, but lots of it. In the first year you'll all get used to a new way of life without him. Everything will slowly normalise, to the new 'normal' at you'll all get used to it. You have to. There's no going back. Tears will come and go. There's also no avoiding that
It's a terrible time for you all right now but it may help to think how many people never made it that far. My dad was 59. Many others have passed away even earlier.
You've shared 83 years of amazing family times, that's something to smile about and be thankful for.
One thing it may be worth saying, is my wife and her sisters celebrate the life of their brother (4o yrs old) on the day he died each year. I can barely remember the year my dad died, because to me that could not be more irrelevant. Remembering the date, to me, is just an annual reminder of what happened on that day and I am not sure that's a good thing. Just my opinion of course, everyone's different.
Edited by Frimley111R on Thursday 4th June 11:58
I am sorry for your loss, OP.
My father died aged 40. I was 13. This was 43 years ago and I still visit his grave every year on the anniversary of his fatal road accident. I couldn't bear not to. May 27th, so has just been marked this year. My children come with me if they can, and I like that, I'd like to think that they will keep my Dad in their minds and hearts even after I'm gone, and even though they never got to meet him.
I am still broken hearted. But life goes on. I have often fantasized about taking a De Lorean back to 1983 and stopping it happening. But, you know what. My life would have surely taken a different path, I may never have had the children I have now. And I don't think my Dad would want me to sacrifice their existence for his. So I have finally found some comfort to hold on to.
All the best, OP.
You will be in the memorial service just now, hope it goes as well as it can.
I still have both my parents, but lost my brother to cancer last year. He was 50. Like most of us, prior to this happening the worst I'd dealt with was losing grandparents, and frankly nothing can prepare you for a loss that is so much closer.
If I've learnt anything over this time, I would say the following:
- Give yourself time. Yes, life goes on, but you do need to pause sometimes, to process what's happened and try to deal with it. I took some extra holiday from work throughout last summer and booked odd days off just to do things on my own with no need to be social, just go and have a think whilst I tinkered with the car, went for a walk or whatever.
- Talk about them. My wife and I talk about my brother all the time. When something happens that he'd have found funny or even that would have annoyed him, we talk about what he would have said.
- There's absolutely nothing wrong with crying. Over a year in, I'm 'ok' most of the time, but sometimes it will get me, I'll remember something, and I'll need to just let it go. Men are allowed to cry, whatever our forebears seemed to think.
- Remember that some of those around you won't know what to say, and might seem distant because of that. Just try to engage with them as normal; some people find having those grieving around them very uncomfortable, but it doesn't mean they don't care.
I'd recommend the 'Griefcast' podcast, and listened to quite a few last year.
Wish you all the best as you deal with this. If posting further on here helps, then absolutely do it.
I still have both my parents, but lost my brother to cancer last year. He was 50. Like most of us, prior to this happening the worst I'd dealt with was losing grandparents, and frankly nothing can prepare you for a loss that is so much closer.
If I've learnt anything over this time, I would say the following:
- Give yourself time. Yes, life goes on, but you do need to pause sometimes, to process what's happened and try to deal with it. I took some extra holiday from work throughout last summer and booked odd days off just to do things on my own with no need to be social, just go and have a think whilst I tinkered with the car, went for a walk or whatever.
- Talk about them. My wife and I talk about my brother all the time. When something happens that he'd have found funny or even that would have annoyed him, we talk about what he would have said.
- There's absolutely nothing wrong with crying. Over a year in, I'm 'ok' most of the time, but sometimes it will get me, I'll remember something, and I'll need to just let it go. Men are allowed to cry, whatever our forebears seemed to think.
- Remember that some of those around you won't know what to say, and might seem distant because of that. Just try to engage with them as normal; some people find having those grieving around them very uncomfortable, but it doesn't mean they don't care.
I'd recommend the 'Griefcast' podcast, and listened to quite a few last year.
Wish you all the best as you deal with this. If posting further on here helps, then absolutely do it.
Today is the anniversary of the funeral of my father. Last year seems like a fever dream and I have no idea how I went back to work in the hospital (and indeed the ward) where he died the day after he died and the day after the funeral. I literally didn’t take a single day off work, apart from the day of the funeral.
I walked out of work two weeks ago. I just couldn’t take any more. I resigned from the NHS and have spent the past fortnight doing nothing. Am I having some sort of delayed breakdown? I don’t know. It’s definitely hitting me hard, mind you.
I walked out of work two weeks ago. I just couldn’t take any more. I resigned from the NHS and have spent the past fortnight doing nothing. Am I having some sort of delayed breakdown? I don’t know. It’s definitely hitting me hard, mind you.
I'm so sorry for your loss. My father passed away on the 31st of December 2023. It doesn't feel like that much time has passed if im honest. I still find myself talking to him in my dreams, and thinking of him often. He was only 73, and full of life so the shock of him passing really rocked everyone who knew him. I spent the entire leadup to the funeral being the serious and dutiful son. I made sure his wishes were sacrosanct and fully respected, I read his eulogy and I was a coffin bearer, making sure that he was guided by his eldest child from beginning to end, as a final act of service to the man who had worked all his life to provide for me and my brothers.
I can't honestly say I'm the same as I was before he passed. I'm easy to irritate, I can be quick to anger, and I go through spells where I'm easily tearful. It hurts, almost as much as it did in January '24. Ive heard it said that the pain doesn't get smaller, you just build more life around it, so it doesn't feel so all consuming. For me, its more like I've lost a shade of colour from a painting. I remember what it used to look like, but now when I see it, I see whats missing and the gnawing emptiness of that space where it should be. The strange thing to me, is that I really don't mind that it hurts. It's not like a cut finger, where I know it'll get better because it'll heal and there's just a scar maybe. It can't get better, because he's never going to be there again and thats what I need to heal. The pain of him not being here is all thats left, beyond the memories, so I won't mind if it never goes away.
I can't honestly say I'm the same as I was before he passed. I'm easy to irritate, I can be quick to anger, and I go through spells where I'm easily tearful. It hurts, almost as much as it did in January '24. Ive heard it said that the pain doesn't get smaller, you just build more life around it, so it doesn't feel so all consuming. For me, its more like I've lost a shade of colour from a painting. I remember what it used to look like, but now when I see it, I see whats missing and the gnawing emptiness of that space where it should be. The strange thing to me, is that I really don't mind that it hurts. It's not like a cut finger, where I know it'll get better because it'll heal and there's just a scar maybe. It can't get better, because he's never going to be there again and thats what I need to heal. The pain of him not being here is all thats left, beyond the memories, so I won't mind if it never goes away.
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