Nothing like family/girlfriend issues...
Discussion
Disclaimer - I am an established PH Member and have registered this profile for anonymity and to get some advice, I know its technically against the forum rules but Mod's please allow it this time. I would post in 'The Lounge' but this account hasn't been registered for long enough. Also the post is rather long so sorry if I bore....
Well, I started seeing my girlfriend nearly 2 years ago, 9 months after leaving university and between us everything is near perfect, and we as a couple are very happy. Bar the occasional minor disagreement there have been no issues between us and we are very well suited, she even loves her cars! whilst any disagreements that do happen are talked out between the two of us...
However from the start my family haven't really got to know her very well and have always seemed reluctant to accept her, always questioning our suitability (different social "classes" and educational levels). They have always been very cold with her, not acknowledging her even if she says hello and as a result she has always been rather uneasy when staying with me whilst her family are the opposite, including me and making me feel welcome whatever the occasion.
Things were bearable in the first year re. my family. Although they ignored her it wasn't the main issue as all the nagging was taken out on me when she wasn't present, them getting progressively more annoyed about trivial stuff (no longer a taxi service for my youngest brother, not going to the gym (injury) and never being at home, preferring to be out and about, even if I wasn't doing or spending anything). They would constantly complain at the amount I was out of the house, complaining that I was enjoying myself too much where as they were stuck in the house every day, even though when I did go out it was often free (window shopping, film streaming etc.) When I was at home every word was a nag whilst saying things to try and split my girlfriend and I up, although only now realise this.
Things came to a head at the beginning of this year, my family were getting ever more intolerable and petty, putting my girlfriend down behind mine and her back mainly in the direction of each other and my younger brother (didn't go to private school/uni, her job (despite her never being out of work and doing something that i never could) and where she lives etc.). Over a few weeks things got worse still, coming home late of a weekend evening with my girlfriend to find my younger brother lying in my bed watching TV and refusing to leave (11-12pm) whilst giving out abuse to both myself and my girlfriend when he is asked to leave. This brother is very arrogant, believing he is the best at everything whilst never being wrong, about everything, the type to use long words even if they make no sense in that situation.
These problems escalated over time and got worse over a number of weeks until the level of abuse was beyond what either of us could take (shouting direct insults re. my girlfriends family inc. disabled siblings, education, job and everything else that was derogatory. This also also included how everybody in the house hated her and far more but won't go into details)). After numerous warnings to stop mid flow (50+) he refuses to stop and refuses to leave us in peace in my bedroom (separate area of the house). In hindsight we should have left the room but it got to a level where both myself and my girlfriend flipped and hit him causing minor injury (not big nor clever I know and something that neither of us have ever done before).
Well as can be guessed the mood was rather frosty and not surprisingly my girlfriend no longer wanted to come to my house and hasn't since after being asked to leave on that night...
Roll on 4 months and the atmosphere in the house has improved somewhat but still has the same problems as before, nagged about treating the house as a hotel (in from work at 7.30, out by 8 and back to bed at 10pm) and the increased tension due to the above.
Out of the blue my parents state that things have gone on long enough and are demanding a grovelling apology from my girlfriend (whilst completely ignoring his sustained actions, comments and insults on family (her family are very close)). Needless to say my girlfriend following the previous events is still fuming, even more so now. My parents are trying to intimidate both me and her, putting pressure on me to either make her grovel to them, me leave her or be made homeless with 12 hours notice. They are of the opinion that everything they say or do is correct with no challenges etc as they make the rules.
Needless to say I and as result her are not sleeping too well is an understatement and haven't been for weeks, on account of the stress and have been physically sick on account of the sustained pressure, threats and emotional blackmail. I have been attempting to sort out chats to talk it over, however the goalposts keep changing with my parents blowing hot/cold day to day and insisting on further/unreasonable conditions designed to intimidate coupled with unrealistic time constraints, causing both of us to get stressed out further as she picks up on it and I rightly or wrongly keep her informed. I would love to move out but funds are currently lacking, mainly due to a car on finance that I cant sell due to the lack of demand and the fact that people keep on crashing into it whenever I list it for sale. I have positive equity but the third party in the latest incident isn't playing ball. I would move in with my girlfriend as we are ready but she is loosing her job in 8 weeks time so cant move in together. I am in the s
ttiest of st situations.
I currently pay £200 rent per month to my parents but still have my student overdraft which expires tomorrow and will soon start clocking up interest, no deposit and only about £150 left at the end of each month (lodger rooms in my area are £500 per month +)
Sorry to put this all on here but I have been getting so stressed for the past month as I've been under the constant threat of having no roof over my head and no money rent somewhere elsewhere and need to release and could possibly do with some advice, if i do go this won't be sorted and will only rear its head again in the future, until they get their way, regardless of weather I live there or not whilst stubbornness/anger over what was said prevents any grovelling (why should she?)
Well, I started seeing my girlfriend nearly 2 years ago, 9 months after leaving university and between us everything is near perfect, and we as a couple are very happy. Bar the occasional minor disagreement there have been no issues between us and we are very well suited, she even loves her cars! whilst any disagreements that do happen are talked out between the two of us...
However from the start my family haven't really got to know her very well and have always seemed reluctant to accept her, always questioning our suitability (different social "classes" and educational levels). They have always been very cold with her, not acknowledging her even if she says hello and as a result she has always been rather uneasy when staying with me whilst her family are the opposite, including me and making me feel welcome whatever the occasion.
Things were bearable in the first year re. my family. Although they ignored her it wasn't the main issue as all the nagging was taken out on me when she wasn't present, them getting progressively more annoyed about trivial stuff (no longer a taxi service for my youngest brother, not going to the gym (injury) and never being at home, preferring to be out and about, even if I wasn't doing or spending anything). They would constantly complain at the amount I was out of the house, complaining that I was enjoying myself too much where as they were stuck in the house every day, even though when I did go out it was often free (window shopping, film streaming etc.) When I was at home every word was a nag whilst saying things to try and split my girlfriend and I up, although only now realise this.
Things came to a head at the beginning of this year, my family were getting ever more intolerable and petty, putting my girlfriend down behind mine and her back mainly in the direction of each other and my younger brother (didn't go to private school/uni, her job (despite her never being out of work and doing something that i never could) and where she lives etc.). Over a few weeks things got worse still, coming home late of a weekend evening with my girlfriend to find my younger brother lying in my bed watching TV and refusing to leave (11-12pm) whilst giving out abuse to both myself and my girlfriend when he is asked to leave. This brother is very arrogant, believing he is the best at everything whilst never being wrong, about everything, the type to use long words even if they make no sense in that situation.
These problems escalated over time and got worse over a number of weeks until the level of abuse was beyond what either of us could take (shouting direct insults re. my girlfriends family inc. disabled siblings, education, job and everything else that was derogatory. This also also included how everybody in the house hated her and far more but won't go into details)). After numerous warnings to stop mid flow (50+) he refuses to stop and refuses to leave us in peace in my bedroom (separate area of the house). In hindsight we should have left the room but it got to a level where both myself and my girlfriend flipped and hit him causing minor injury (not big nor clever I know and something that neither of us have ever done before).
Well as can be guessed the mood was rather frosty and not surprisingly my girlfriend no longer wanted to come to my house and hasn't since after being asked to leave on that night...
Roll on 4 months and the atmosphere in the house has improved somewhat but still has the same problems as before, nagged about treating the house as a hotel (in from work at 7.30, out by 8 and back to bed at 10pm) and the increased tension due to the above.
Out of the blue my parents state that things have gone on long enough and are demanding a grovelling apology from my girlfriend (whilst completely ignoring his sustained actions, comments and insults on family (her family are very close)). Needless to say my girlfriend following the previous events is still fuming, even more so now. My parents are trying to intimidate both me and her, putting pressure on me to either make her grovel to them, me leave her or be made homeless with 12 hours notice. They are of the opinion that everything they say or do is correct with no challenges etc as they make the rules.
Needless to say I and as result her are not sleeping too well is an understatement and haven't been for weeks, on account of the stress and have been physically sick on account of the sustained pressure, threats and emotional blackmail. I have been attempting to sort out chats to talk it over, however the goalposts keep changing with my parents blowing hot/cold day to day and insisting on further/unreasonable conditions designed to intimidate coupled with unrealistic time constraints, causing both of us to get stressed out further as she picks up on it and I rightly or wrongly keep her informed. I would love to move out but funds are currently lacking, mainly due to a car on finance that I cant sell due to the lack of demand and the fact that people keep on crashing into it whenever I list it for sale. I have positive equity but the third party in the latest incident isn't playing ball. I would move in with my girlfriend as we are ready but she is loosing her job in 8 weeks time so cant move in together. I am in the s
ttiest of st situations. I currently pay £200 rent per month to my parents but still have my student overdraft which expires tomorrow and will soon start clocking up interest, no deposit and only about £150 left at the end of each month (lodger rooms in my area are £500 per month +)
Sorry to put this all on here but I have been getting so stressed for the past month as I've been under the constant threat of having no roof over my head and no money rent somewhere elsewhere and need to release and could possibly do with some advice, if i do go this won't be sorted and will only rear its head again in the future, until they get their way, regardless of weather I live there or not whilst stubbornness/anger over what was said prevents any grovelling (why should she?)
Gargamel said:
Wow, your family sound lovely.
Move out.
Yeah thing is they are hot/cold...sometimes they are fine but others they are far from it!Move out.
They sacrificed a lot to put me through school and bring me up so feel tied in that regard yet am unwilling to leave my girlfriend at their beck and call, almost seems as if they are attempting to dictate my life. Re my bother he has always been very arrogant and when growing up we were always having disagreements on account of it.
Another Fluffer said:
This.
Sounds like a real stty situation to be in, and for that you have my sympathy!
Are your girlfriends parents decent? Would they help out if you were at the end of your tether?
Your girlfriend could try to grovel, not that she should, if that would improve the situation?
short of that I don't have anything to suggest, good luck anyway.
Keep your chin up, things will eventually sort themselves out/allow you to move out!
Yes they are very supportive although are getting stressed out on account of my girlfriend being stressed, it must be mentioned that my parents have "banned" me from going into my girlfriends house though....or I will be kicked out of the family house immediately if they somehow find outSounds like a real s
tty situation to be in, and for that you have my sympathy!Are your girlfriends parents decent? Would they help out if you were at the end of your tether?
Your girlfriend could try to grovel, not that she should, if that would improve the situation?
short of that I don't have anything to suggest, good luck anyway.
Keep your chin up, things will eventually sort themselves out/allow you to move out!
She could but why should she? It would set a precedent for the future, plus she is rather stubborn and is getting very stressed out by this. The stress associated (with the least 3 weeks especially) is causing no end of problems, neither of us are sleeping properly, I've been physically sick, not nice knowing that you still have to work 11 hour days and may not have somewhere to stay that evening....
After this evening I have a final 48 hours to produce a grovelling apology from her (on their terms)....Think I may have to make use of a friends sofa in the mean time, although this will entail a 10 mile each way commute by car to the station to get to work
Gargamel said:
Ok thinking about your situation in more detail.
You are 23 or 24 ? I think this is nature's way of telling you you are a big boy now, so time to get out of the house and make your own life.
I see a lot of reasons why things can't happen, I think you need to stop for a minute, take a week off - anywhere with your girlfriend, camping, a couple of ex uni mates spare bedrooms, cheap holiday whatever.
Just get out of the situation and rationalise what you want from life.
I lasted six weeks back at home after University, I didn't really have the money to leave, but I made it work. I moved really close to my office, so I had no commute. Lived on Pasta in water sauce for a few weeks, but I made it stick, and my relationship with my folks changed dramatically.
Can you get another job, can you get a job with accomodation ? Could you both save up and disappear to Australia together for a year..... look at your possibilities.
OR
You are going to need to sit down with your Mum and ask why does DAD have such a problem with my choice of partner.... and then do the same the other way round. Forgot about the behaviour or the actions - what do they BELIEVE - because that isn't going to change.
You can make people change their actions, but hardly ever can you change their beliefs. So if they strongly believe she is wrong for you, ask them why - do make an effort to listen, properly listen - are there things about their opinions which could be true, do they know something about her that you don't ?
either way - don't get stressed tell your fmily it must stop as it is affecting your health, and give your younger brother a fking good kicking for being a cock blocker.....
nearly right on the age...You are 23 or 24 ? I think this is nature's way of telling you you are a big boy now, so time to get out of the house and make your own life.
I see a lot of reasons why things can't happen, I think you need to stop for a minute, take a week off - anywhere with your girlfriend, camping, a couple of ex uni mates spare bedrooms, cheap holiday whatever.
Just get out of the situation and rationalise what you want from life.
I lasted six weeks back at home after University, I didn't really have the money to leave, but I made it work. I moved really close to my office, so I had no commute. Lived on Pasta in water sauce for a few weeks, but I made it stick, and my relationship with my folks changed dramatically.
Can you get another job, can you get a job with accomodation ? Could you both save up and disappear to Australia together for a year..... look at your possibilities.
OR
You are going to need to sit down with your Mum and ask why does DAD have such a problem with my choice of partner.... and then do the same the other way round. Forgot about the behaviour or the actions - what do they BELIEVE - because that isn't going to change.
You can make people change their actions, but hardly ever can you change their beliefs. So if they strongly believe she is wrong for you, ask them why - do make an effort to listen, properly listen - are there things about their opinions which could be true, do they know something about her that you don't ?
either way - don't get stressed tell your fmily it must stop as it is affecting your health, and give your younger brother a f
king good kicking for being a cock blocker.....we did only get back from a holiday 3 weeks ago, everything kicked off on our return, we have since booked another (very cheap week) for September (the only cost effective option that fitted around work commitments). Living within a walk of work isn't an option (City of London) and neither is changing jobs as I like what I do and am tied into a professional training contract - Major exam in December - although I do cycle into work some weeks to save money (30 miles a day by the end of it I have no energy). Any change of jobs would near halve my salary and ruin any long term career goals so isn't an option. My job and my girlfriends family commitments would prohibit a move away.
I have tried talking everything through, reasons are given but they can't see their own failings, they then end up warming (my mum breaking down on occasion) followed by changing tack, threatening me and moving the goalposts the next day....
Teddye4687 said:
Move out, fk sake
Would love to but can't currently pay the bills if I did, could afford £300 a month for rent although the cheapest available when bills are included is near double that for a room in a flat-share....k sakeI then wouldn't be repaying any of my overdraft, the issues is I have no time, 48 hours is all i'm given which isn't enough to scrape together a deposit, first months rent and pay the bills, especially when my interest free overdraft has just expired with me half way through my maximum allowed.
Boozy said:
PH Member said:
Another Fluffer said:
This.
Sounds like a real stty situation to be in, and for that you have my sympathy!
Are your girlfriends parents decent? Would they help out if you were at the end of your tether?
Your girlfriend could try to grovel, not that she should, if that would improve the situation?
short of that I don't have anything to suggest, good luck anyway.
Keep your chin up, things will eventually sort themselves out/allow you to move out!
Yes they are very supportive although are getting stressed out on account of my girlfriend being stressed, it must be mentioned that my parents have "banned" me from going into my girlfriends house though....or I will be kicked out of the family house immediately if they somehow find outSounds like a real s
tty situation to be in, and for that you have my sympathy!Are your girlfriends parents decent? Would they help out if you were at the end of your tether?
Your girlfriend could try to grovel, not that she should, if that would improve the situation?
short of that I don't have anything to suggest, good luck anyway.
Keep your chin up, things will eventually sort themselves out/allow you to move out!
She could but why should she? It would set a precedent for the future, plus she is rather stubborn and is getting very stressed out by this. The stress associated (with the least 3 weeks especially) is causing no end of problems, neither of us are sleeping properly, I've been physically sick, not nice knowing that you still have to work 11 hour days and may not have somewhere to stay that evening....
After this evening I have a final 48 hours to produce a grovelling apology from her (on their terms)....Think I may have to make use of a friends sofa in the mean time, although this will entail a 10 mile each way commute by car to the station to get to work
Can I sell it with body damage (£2k's worth) and then take the insurance settlement from the third party (when it arrives) in cash?
longshot said:
Bobby has touched upon something I was going to say.
I would be tempted to sit your parents down and rather than ask them what is wrong with your girlfriend, ask them what type of girl they think you should be with and what attributes she should have.
It probably won't make a bit of difference but will give some insight into how their minds are working.
Have they always been so controlling?
I have tried this but they seem to avoid the question. I have a big group of friends and some other female friends they were particularly friendly with/suggested I invite them to things even though they were totally not my type/friends ex's (something I wont do). I think it relates to the issues raised in the OP from these discussions plus them never making effort to talk to her to get to know herI would be tempted to sit your parents down and rather than ask them what is wrong with your girlfriend, ask them what type of girl they think you should be with and what attributes she should have.
It probably won't make a bit of difference but will give some insight into how their minds are working.
Have they always been so controlling?
longshot said:
Tell the horrible pair that you and the girl have finished and carry on seeing her on the quiet until your exams are done and then tell them to stuff it and leave.
This will never work, would never trust myself to keep a straight storybobbylondonuk said:
You need to make some asian friends.. We specialise in this kind of family blackmail operation and system bypass protocols.
My advice..sit down with your girlfriend, plan a time table to move in or you make a plan to move out. Then inform your parents you have broken up with her and take your relationship underground!This will also give you the freedom to be a bd at home and pay back for all the st...cos now they have nothing to beat you with if the GF is out of the picture.
Either you play the game and move out, then stick 2 fingers up at everyone OR you tow the line because you have no option but to choose the family security over your GF.
Playing the game means you better be a good player or you are out on your arse. Towing the family line means there is always chance for another chick to be presented as acceptable at a later stage...or some rich chick that your family push down your throat that you can dump anytime with no hassle as your folks would sort it out because it is their reputation at stake!
Now you see why a lot of the Asian kids stick around at home and play the game? It is the way of parents who control the next generation for their personal appearances within their communities. The kids who get stuck get sucked into it as adults and the circle goes on. The ones who move out early and live their own lives are far less controlled and manipulated by the community.
Same applies to any community...just that asians are more prone to this kind of 'abuse' than others as it is more of a traditional cultural thing than other ethnic groups.
This does sound rather similar, although both parents were brought up in boarding school in the 60's which may be part to do with the, do what I say or else attitudeMy advice..sit down with your girlfriend, plan a time table to move in or you make a plan to move out. Then inform your parents you have broken up with her and take your relationship underground!This will also give you the freedom to be a b
d at home and pay back for all the st...cos now they have nothing to beat you with if the GF is out of the picture.Either you play the game and move out, then stick 2 fingers up at everyone OR you tow the line because you have no option but to choose the family security over your GF.
Playing the game means you better be a good player or you are out on your arse. Towing the family line means there is always chance for another chick to be presented as acceptable at a later stage...or some rich chick that your family push down your throat that you can dump anytime with no hassle as your folks would sort it out because it is their reputation at stake!
Now you see why a lot of the Asian kids stick around at home and play the game? It is the way of parents who control the next generation for their personal appearances within their communities. The kids who get stuck get sucked into it as adults and the circle goes on. The ones who move out early and live their own lives are far less controlled and manipulated by the community.
Same applies to any community...just that asians are more prone to this kind of 'abuse' than others as it is more of a traditional cultural thing than other ethnic groups.
Gargamel said:
If you work for one of the large four professional firms (ACA) then FFS speak to the staff partner or the HR person, tell them that there is trouble at home and do they have any short term accommodation for a couple of weeks.
Don't jeopardise your exams over this st, it is your route to freedom.
I don't unfortunately, the training (CFA) has been subcontracted to an external training provider and is something that is not typically done with employees within the company, something that I managed to request in my end of probation meeting/appraisal although I had to sign a contract amendment saying if leaving within a year become liable for the cost, fail become liable to re-sit fees etc etc....Don't jeopardise your exams over this s
t, it is your route to freedom. Edited by PH Member on Wednesday 1st August 01:10
Will say, thanks to all who have helped, been on spareroom.co.uk and see it as being the only option from here, even if my overdraft takes a major additional hit in the short term....
Thanks for all of the advice thus far, think it may be time to try and get some sleep, especially ahead of the meeting i've got in 7 hours time.....
Thanks for all of the advice thus far, think it may be time to try and get some sleep, especially ahead of the meeting i've got in 7 hours time.....
StevieBee said:
Without wishing to pry too deeply, are there any religious or cultural issues at play here?
nope not at all, not church goers and neither are my girlfriends familyIceman82 said:
Speak to work and inform them of the situation. I see it's an external course but they need to be aware you are having external issues at this time.
Secondly, move out. Do you have friends in the area? They will put you up I'm sure and put the car on the market whilst there. Perhaps drop the price a little to ensure equity though.
If your girlfriend is keen to work she will get a job I'm sure and then look at renting together.
Alternatively, sack it all off and go travelling and sod your family.
Yeah I will mention it a little more clearly at work, they have sensed that I am more stressed and closer friends/team members do know some more details. I would love to sell the car but it currently has bodywork hanging off and the third party not contacting their insurers so am forced to wait until its fixed, even then its a case of finding a buyer as it isn't the most popular of cars (20-25 mpg petrol 5 year old mechanically complex)Secondly, move out. Do you have friends in the area? They will put you up I'm sure and put the car on the market whilst there. Perhaps drop the price a little to ensure equity though.
If your girlfriend is keen to work she will get a job I'm sure and then look at renting together.
Alternatively, sack it all off and go travelling and sod your family.
She defiantly will find somewhere to work near immediately although likely at a substantial pay cut so will need to find her feet (looking at c. 6 months) As of this morning a close friend has been fully briefed, and should the worst happen a sofa/spare room is available, luckily he has just bought his first house.
StevieBee said:
I have observed this type of situation on a number of occasions. On the assumption my earlier question about religious or cultural issues not being a factor, some further insight that may be of help....
It is not uncommon that the relationship between a mother and father evolves to the point where the only thing that bonds both is the presence of children in the home. As children grow older, the realisation that they will not be at home as much and that relationship with girlfriends/boyfriends begin to underpin the fact that the roll of the parents is fast diminishing can start to bring home the reality of the fragility of the relationship between the parents. This is then manifested in odd behaviour including much of what you have described.
This type of behaviour tends to occur with couples that had children very early on in their relationship.
Another factor that can compound this is that parents can become envious of the parents of the girl/boyfriend. Typical scenario: Parents 'A' are well off, nice car, home, cash in bank, etc.. but lack the emotional bond between each other. Girl/Boyfriend's family are working class, council house, a bit of debt yet blissfully happy with their lot. So whilst Parents 'B' might look longingly at the possessions of parents 'A', equally, Parents 'A' long for the sort of relationship that parents 'B' have and can't understand why they are happy having perceivably achieved less.
It's a complex issue to which there is usually no formulaic solution other than time.
Possibly there have been a number of serious family health scares in the past 2 years and we have no family outside of my parents, siblings and a lone grandparent on the other side of the world. They didn't have kids particularly early, in their early 30's (i'm the eldest).It is not uncommon that the relationship between a mother and father evolves to the point where the only thing that bonds both is the presence of children in the home. As children grow older, the realisation that they will not be at home as much and that relationship with girlfriends/boyfriends begin to underpin the fact that the roll of the parents is fast diminishing can start to bring home the reality of the fragility of the relationship between the parents. This is then manifested in odd behaviour including much of what you have described.
This type of behaviour tends to occur with couples that had children very early on in their relationship.
Another factor that can compound this is that parents can become envious of the parents of the girl/boyfriend. Typical scenario: Parents 'A' are well off, nice car, home, cash in bank, etc.. but lack the emotional bond between each other. Girl/Boyfriend's family are working class, council house, a bit of debt yet blissfully happy with their lot. So whilst Parents 'B' might look longingly at the possessions of parents 'A', equally, Parents 'A' long for the sort of relationship that parents 'B' have and can't understand why they are happy having perceivably achieved less.
It's a complex issue to which there is usually no formulaic solution other than time.
Possibly on the last point, our house is falling down literally and funds aren't there on their side to redevelop currently when linked with a 50/50 redundancy on my fathers part in 3 months time....
Otto said:
You have the worst 'can't do' attitude I have seen for a while. You are giving plenty of excuses why you can't move out / sell car / be with your girlfriend / stay at her place. You haven't even tried if you can't find somewhere for less than 500/month.
You are an adult in your 20's. You have a degree, and are starting a career in the city. Quite honestly, the whole world is about to open up to you as you earn money, meet new people, start your actual life. My honest view - you are scared to take the jump of actually starting your own life, which is quite natural. Take the hit on a little debt now to make this jump. Your lifestyle will change, yes - you will certainly not be living in as nice a place, but it is a necessary change.
P.s. be very sure that this is the girl you want to sever ties with your family for. If you truly see a future with her, then do it.
I did this thread as a mere reason to release a little bit of the stress/vent. I am now resigned to moving out (want to) but don't like the effect its going to have on my family, although they are causing me hell I am a decent person really, crying parents isn't great + guilt trips + putting themselves out to pay school fees is an awful lot to walk away from, that and funds to do so although from sums now it may be possible if i max out my overdraft this month and likely keep it there until the car sells....eventuallyYou are an adult in your 20's. You have a degree, and are starting a career in the city. Quite honestly, the whole world is about to open up to you as you earn money, meet new people, start your actual life. My honest view - you are scared to take the jump of actually starting your own life, which is quite natural. Take the hit on a little debt now to make this jump. Your lifestyle will change, yes - you will certainly not be living in as nice a place, but it is a necessary change.
P.s. be very sure that this is the girl you want to sever ties with your family for. If you truly see a future with her, then do it.
db10 said:
does your employer do loans? maybe you could borrow from them (or get a season ticket loan) or something like that?
no loans anymore unfortunately, season tickets loans are done though but i try to commute by bike 6 months a year which negates this, plus I don't want to be stuck with a ticket from somewhere i no longer live.Thanks for all the advice though, have been investigating rooms for let and will be going to one shortly, the last period of notice ends tomorrow evening so time will tell then...
As i've said before this original post was more of a vent to try and think things through from other sides, have decided that i am defiantly going to move out
As i've said before this original post was more of a vent to try and think things through from other sides, have decided that i am defiantly going to move out
Edited by PH Member on Wednesday 1st August 18:40
oldbanger said:
I would suggest that you plan and execute as dignified an exit as you can from the family home. Make sure you have it in place before breaking it to them.
Play the long game here. Whilst you remain in their home keep things as calm and dignified as you can, try to cultivate some sympathy for them, even if you can't work out their motives for the controlling and abusive behaviour. What they are afraid of, only they can tell you (if they know and can articulate), but this is likely to be fear on your parents part, plain and simple. Fear for their future, their hopes, dreams etc, and fear of your future.
If they are abusive and you cannot reason with them, then your best bet is to try to keep calm and withdraw, e.g. telling them that you are going to talk to them when they have calmed down. One day they might want to build bridges and it's going to be easier all round if you've been the more mature and sensible party, and not got yourself too drawn into their anxious fantasies etc.
I know one poster said that make sure she is the one worth losing your family over. It's not really even about her. It's about you setting boundaries with your parents, and a physical boundary, living in a different home, will be the strongest and easiest one you can set. The possible physical and financial hardships of a bedsit, shared flat or friends sofa will be much easier to bear in the long term than having this kind of cloud hanging over you at home, and following you during the day. If it wasn't the girlfriend that they went nuts over, it would have been a job, a hobby, anything.
Does your employer have any internal message boards? If so, is anyone advertising for house mates?
This is brilliant, thanks, I am keeping calm although a dignified exit is harder to plan as they generally like to say 'if x hasn't happened within 12 hours you are gone and i'm changing the locks' so with work factored in there isn't enough time to move anything so when that does happen it looks like i'm at my friend's house with enough clothes to last me a day or two.Play the long game here. Whilst you remain in their home keep things as calm and dignified as you can, try to cultivate some sympathy for them, even if you can't work out their motives for the controlling and abusive behaviour. What they are afraid of, only they can tell you (if they know and can articulate), but this is likely to be fear on your parents part, plain and simple. Fear for their future, their hopes, dreams etc, and fear of your future.
If they are abusive and you cannot reason with them, then your best bet is to try to keep calm and withdraw, e.g. telling them that you are going to talk to them when they have calmed down. One day they might want to build bridges and it's going to be easier all round if you've been the more mature and sensible party, and not got yourself too drawn into their anxious fantasies etc.
I know one poster said that make sure she is the one worth losing your family over. It's not really even about her. It's about you setting boundaries with your parents, and a physical boundary, living in a different home, will be the strongest and easiest one you can set. The possible physical and financial hardships of a bedsit, shared flat or friends sofa will be much easier to bear in the long term than having this kind of cloud hanging over you at home, and following you during the day. If it wasn't the girlfriend that they went nuts over, it would have been a job, a hobby, anything.
Does your employer have any internal message boards? If so, is anyone advertising for house mates?
It has happened before, on the job front complaining that i hadn't got a "proper" city job straight after uni (even though I chose the option i did as I needed flexibility to take my mum to regular chemo sessions and involved starting a new business from scratch) enforced via near constant nagging and threatening to increase 'rent' paid to them to a level that I couldn't afford (50% of net), although due to other existing commitments what they originally asked could never be paid in full. Message boards won't happen unfortunately, the company isn't large enough for that any more.
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