Falling apart physically and mentally

[ItIsPrivate]

Hi

I'm 39, live with partner and no kids. Good job with decent pay and work from home doing cybersecurity work.

For about 4 months my life has felt increasingly more difficult and challenging. It's getting worse and part of me just doesn't see an end in sight.

Physical

These are very minor, often not too bad but just very annoying and sometimes cause discomfort if trying to exercise. Maybe I'm just getting older or there's something else going on. I have spoken via phone to a physio but as it was just so non-specific, like "it's hurty if I do this" she just gave me some exercises.

Physical issues are:

• Sore hips - possibly from sitting so much at my desk - trying to stand more during the day and stretch too
• Ankles sore and this has made some exercise hard like running.
• Painful lower legs including similar to Achilles tendonitis but also very tight calves
• Plantar fasciatus in left foot - eased off now and it wasn't too severe
• Sore right knee sometimes. This prevents me squatting properly and sometimes after running (which I gave up on)

Mental and other things

• Not sleeping more than 3-4 hours and this is broken sleep, poor quality and I feel continually dishevelled.
• I will often "selfharm" with food. I eat sometimes stupidly and binge eat. Last night I got up at 11pm and despite knowing it was stupid, I ate two toasties and just sat watching tv for about two hours.
• Same with things like diet coke. I'll go through phases where I'll just drink excessive volumes. I don't even enjoy it and know it's disgusting but I just can't help it
• Mentally this makes me feel useless, stupid, weak and pathetic
• I stopped drinking alcohol for a while. Recently started again and also abuse this.

Work

• I feel continually on edge about work stuff
• I worry nonstop about things like my colleague who barely does any work and it's always down to me
• I now lay in bed annoyed about it and imagine stuff like I bet you, he doesn't reply to that email, or doesn't do that report and then it's down to me to do it
• My job involves working on a small team covering all timezones. There's only two of us in the Europe side. So after I log off there's still people working and sometimes updates overnight. Compared to my previous jobs this is different as in other roles everyone finished at the same time, mentally I could leave it.
• I do have to sometimes work more hours, which I don't mind. The company are good and my big boss is great. So if I work 16 hours for a few days, then generally there's a period of it being a bit slower, and then I just spend parts of the day going to the gym (well I stopped this now) or just going shopping
• I don't mind work, I just can't switch off a lot of the time. I often log off but then spend hours worrying about things, or thinking about it. It's 100x worse if there's something going on, like a live problem I am dealing with, or a particular "thing".

Finally

• I feel hopless
• I often feel it's inevitable that something bad is going to happen.
• When I am basically abusing myself with food and consumption, then not sleeping, then worrying, then getting angry, I just think that I'm in that deep a hole, that I can't repair or recover from these things.
• I often look around in public and see people who look full of life, bouncing along the street, so composed, free of issues. Then I feel basically like I have three heavy backpacks on, feeling lethargic, not rested, tired, hopeless, etc.

• I'm intelligent (in some ways) and know things that I can change/control like not fking eating myself even fatter at night but just don't
• The house is a mess, I can't be bothered to sort it out. I just ignore the piles of mess. Why bother? I just can't see the point and I don't have the energy most of the time to sort it out
• I'm angry all the time. I mean properly angry. I've started driving like an absolute prick and this also makes me feel worse about my whole situation and my behaviour. I am ashamed of this and after each journey I often sit there and think "Wtf was that about??".
• I have had some depression in the past, very mild and it often passes after a few months.
• I'm not interested in counselling. I've had a lot of it in the past and although it helped a little, I just got tired of it
• I have no friends (well a couple but they're often only text messages every now and again, often delayed and just not fulfilling)
• A lot of hobbies but often things just on my own (which I quite like most of the time) but they're exercise related and I feel so "battered" I just can't get the energy or motivation to do them now

Anyway, that's my story. It's an absolute sh*tshow of stuff. If I was a car, I'd be a write off and deemed "irrepairable" (that's a joke, I don't really think that darkly about it all)

Thanks