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It was a sunny Friday morning on the first hole of a busy course and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualizing my upcoming shot, when a piercing voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker.
"Would the gentleman on the women's tee back up to the men's tee please !"
I could feel every eye on the course looking at me. I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption.
Again the announcement, "Would that MAN on the WOMEN'S tee kindly back up to the MEN'S tee."
I simply ignored the announcement and kept concentrating, when once more, the man yelled: "Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S tee back up to the MEN'S tee, PLEASE !"
Finally, I stopped, turned and looked through the clubhouse window directly at the person with the mike. I cupped my hands and shouted back, "Would the c**t in the clubhouse kindly shut the f**k up and let me play my second shot ?"
"Would the gentleman on the women's tee back up to the men's tee please !"
I could feel every eye on the course looking at me. I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption.
Again the announcement, "Would that MAN on the WOMEN'S tee kindly back up to the MEN'S tee."
I simply ignored the announcement and kept concentrating, when once more, the man yelled: "Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S tee back up to the MEN'S tee, PLEASE !"
Finally, I stopped, turned and looked through the clubhouse window directly at the person with the mike. I cupped my hands and shouted back, "Would the c**t in the clubhouse kindly shut the f**k up and let me play my second shot ?"
Chemical Analysis of Element 666 - Known as Woman
Element Name: Woman
Periodic Chart Symbol: Wo
Discoverer: Adam
Atomic Mass: Generally accepted as 110 lbs., but known to vary from 110 to 550 lbs.
Occurrence: Copious quantities in all urban areas.
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES
1. Surface usually covered with a painted film.
2. Boils with no provocation.
3. Freezes up solid unexpectedly.
4. Melts if given special treatment.
5. Bitter if incorrectly used or ignored.
6. Yields to pressure applied to certain points.
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES
1. Has a great affinity for gold, silver, platinum and precious stones such as diamonds, rubies and sapphires among others.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning or reason.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increased by saturation in alcohol.
5. Most powerful money-reducing agent known to man.
COMMON USES
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports car.
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.
3. Very effective cleaning agent.
TESTS
1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state.
2. Turns green with envy when placed beside a better specimen.
3. Defies proper ageing analysis techniques.
HAZARDS
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one at a time although several can be maintained at different locations as long as the specimens do not come into contact with each other.
Element Name: Woman
Periodic Chart Symbol: Wo
Discoverer: Adam
Atomic Mass: Generally accepted as 110 lbs., but known to vary from 110 to 550 lbs.
Occurrence: Copious quantities in all urban areas.
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES
1. Surface usually covered with a painted film.
2. Boils with no provocation.
3. Freezes up solid unexpectedly.
4. Melts if given special treatment.
5. Bitter if incorrectly used or ignored.
6. Yields to pressure applied to certain points.
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES
1. Has a great affinity for gold, silver, platinum and precious stones such as diamonds, rubies and sapphires among others.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning or reason.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increased by saturation in alcohol.
5. Most powerful money-reducing agent known to man.
COMMON USES
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports car.
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.
3. Very effective cleaning agent.
TESTS
1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state.
2. Turns green with envy when placed beside a better specimen.
3. Defies proper ageing analysis techniques.
HAZARDS
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one at a time although several can be maintained at different locations as long as the specimens do not come into contact with each other.
A young fighter pilot on a training mission has to eject when the engine packs up. As he began his descent he realised that the chute wasn't opening, he desperately tried everything to try and get the thing to deploy when all of a sudden he saw a black sooty object rising toward him. When he got level he realised it was a man looking all burnt and dishevelled.
The pilot shouted across: "Hey, do you know anything about parachutes???!"
The reply came loud and clear: "Not a f
king clue mate, do you know anything about gas boilers???!"
The pilot shouted across: "Hey, do you know anything about parachutes???!"
The reply came loud and clear: "Not a f
king clue mate, do you know anything about gas boilers???!"
A man walks into the pub and while standing by the bar he is approached by another man holding a ferret.
"Do you wanna buy this ferret for £50" he asks.
"Why would I wanna do that?" he responds.
"Well you see this ferret will give you the best blowjob of your life. If you doubt me you can go out the back and see for yourself".....
...after just 3 minutes the man returns smiling ear to ear.
"Here's your 50 quid mate, I'm off home"
Arriving home the man knocks at the front door and his wife answers.
"What the is that" she says.
"A ferret. I bought it for 50 quid" he replies.
"FIFTY QUID!!!!! What the do you expect me to do with that?"
"Teach it how to cook and OFF!"
"Do you wanna buy this ferret for £50" he asks.
"Why would I wanna do that?" he responds.
"Well you see this ferret will give you the best blowjob of your life. If you doubt me you can go out the back and see for yourself".....
...after just 3 minutes the man returns smiling ear to ear.
"Here's your 50 quid mate, I'm off home"
Arriving home the man knocks at the front door and his wife answers.
"What the
is that" she says. "A ferret. I bought it for 50 quid" he replies.
"FIFTY QUID!!!!! What the
do you expect me to do with that?" "Teach it how to cook and
OFF!" jayrockwell said:
A man walks into the pub and while standing by the bar he is approached by another man holding a ferret.
"Do you wanna buy this ferret for £50" he asks.
"Why would I wanna do that?" he responds.
"Well you see this ferret will give you the best blowjob of your life. If you doubt me you can go out the back and see for yourself".....
...after just 3 minutes the man returns smiling ear to ear.
"Here's your 50 quid mate, I'm off home"
Arriving home the man knocks at the front door and his wife answers.
"What the is that" she says.
"A ferret. I bought it for 50 quid" he replies.
"FIFTY QUID!!!!! What the do you expect me to do with that?"
"Teach it how to cook and OFF!"
Very good "Do you wanna buy this ferret for £50" he asks.
"Why would I wanna do that?" he responds.
"Well you see this ferret will give you the best blowjob of your life. If you doubt me you can go out the back and see for yourself".....
...after just 3 minutes the man returns smiling ear to ear.
"Here's your 50 quid mate, I'm off home"
Arriving home the man knocks at the front door and his wife answers.
"What the
is that" she says. "A ferret. I bought it for 50 quid" he replies.
"FIFTY QUID!!!!! What the
do you expect me to do with that?" "Teach it how to cook and
OFF!" 
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