Removing cheating spouse from home - URGENT advice needed

[anonymous-user]

s55shh said:

So what happens if you lose the keys then. Get the locks changed and furnish the agent with a new key.

100%. Job done.

[weeboot]

johnfm said:

(2) Don't be nice or 'take the high ground' at all. Pre-empt. You know she is making plans - get rid of all her stuff out the house now. Don't agree to give her any furnishings. She can get her own.

The best way of dealing with a fight is not to have one.

Furnishings et al can be replaced, the mental anguish/stress of dealing with a fight are somewhat harder to deal with.

Do everything in your power to ensure her path out of your life is as smooth as possible.

[familyguy1]

just a thought and I've never been in this situation, but would taking photo's for all rooms and anything important, so you've got a record of them prior to a visit to "remove" stuff. so you have proof incase of problems further down the line.

photo's of passports driving licenses etc, makes it easier if they go walk about as you'll have a record of them.

good luck and keep calm

[Vaud]

theboss said:

I'm going to alert his wife too. I've gone through hell for 18 months and now I feel he needs to feel some pressure.

"my life is hell so I must make someone else too"

I know you are hurting, but not sure what you have to gain from this. She left you months ago, mentally, if not years ago.

[Black_S3]

theboss said:

I don't think the landlords would have any problem with changing the locks - I'm on very good terms with the owner of the estate I rent from and have spoken to her this morning to make her aware of the situation and to seek advice re changing the contract when the wife agrees she's leaving. I didn't ask the question specifically though. She also has a legal background and has been able to confirm equal access rights etc.

I'm not going to prevent the wife from entering the property but I'm certainly going to resist any attempt to compell me to leave or to remove property (I'm the sole income provider and have bought everything but don't mind her taking some essentials as stated above).

I'm going to alert his wife too. I've gone through hell for 18 months and now I feel he needs to feel some pressure.

If you're going to do anything on the locks I'd personally go the route of superglue the existing ones in and strip the head on the screw that you remove to change them.... Wont stop a locksmith but will stop most people. I'm not going to mention the locks again... Some advise change them, I dont think it's a good idea... Everyone is trying to help, so not worth derailing onto the locks.

One thing about alerting his wife. Think about her, don't drop it on her when she might be at work etc.

[anonymous-user]

Black_S3 said:

If you're going to do anything on the locks I'd personally go the route of superglue the existing ones in and strip the head on the screw that you remove to change them.... Wont stop a locksmith but will stop most people. I'm not going to mention the locks again... Some advise change them, I dont think it's a good idea... Everyone is trying to help, so not worth derailing onto the locks.

Jees

[McGraw]

Not sure of your house layout but I think I would put everything I would't want to lose in the bedroom I was going to use then change the door handle for a lockable one.

[Henzy]

Vaud said:

theboss said:

I'm going to alert his wife too. I've gone through hell for 18 months and now I feel he needs to feel some pressure.

"my life is hell so I must make someone else too"

I know you are hurting, but not sure what you have to gain from this. She left you months ago, mentally, if not years ago.

Don't agree with Vaud - Gloves came off the second he got involved with your wife.
She also has every right to know ASAP - I'm sure she will also want to start planning her best interests much like you.

[Black_S3]

V6Pushfit said:

Jees

We disagree on that. Drop it now.

[Escapegoat]

Black_S3 said:

Let's not go too far into the hypothetical... In any tenancy agreement I've signed changing the locks is a massive no. Exactly how they could enforce it I don't know - it's not an additional problem I'd want and don't see how it is productive in any way.

A lock is a prevention against unwanted entry. Nothing more. People lose keys, or else split from BF/GF and have to change them. It's reasonable to do so, and it would be reasonable to inform/give the landlord a replacement key for the new lock.

Black_S3 said:

Attack isn't the best form of defense.

Well, that's true. The best thing is trust and then both parties being equally understanding and reasonable if things don't go right. It doesn't always happen like that, and a mother in the family home as resident parent has a very obvious prejudicial advantage in the court system. The chap opposite me was asked to leave the house by police. The ex is living in the 5-bed house with the kids (he hasn't seen them for almost a year). They've been to court 30 times. Meanwhile, he has been living in a business unit on an industrial estate for 3 years.

[theboss]

Henzy said:

Vaud said:

theboss said:

I'm going to alert his wife too. I've gone through hell for 18 months and now I feel he needs to feel some pressure.

"my life is hell so I must make someone else too"

I know you are hurting, but not sure what you have to gain from this. She left you months ago, mentally, if not years ago.

Don't agree with Vaud - Gloves came off the second he got involved with your wife.
She also has every right to know ASAP - I'm sure she will also want to start planning her best interests much like you.

Exactly. People are fked over when they are deceived and left entirely in the dark. I'm aiming to enlighten her and I expect she'd be grateful for it in the future.

[Richie Slow]

stuttgartmetal said:

Stay strong
Eat properly
Be prepared for her to be as bad as she can be.
It's over
Accept that
Get through it.
Let her have anything she wants
Let her take anything from the house
Anything
Wave goodbye as she leaves. It'll be the best thing for you
Watch what happens next
Affairs like hers are all about longing to be in the perfect world.
Once she's in her new life reality bites for her and him
It all tends not be as exciting when she's washing his skiddy underpants and he's coming home late from the office
She's not single no kids and footloose.
She's got plenty of baggage to dump on him.
Don't be surprised when reality doesn't turn idyllic like she imagines and she comes running back begging for forgiveness
Take the clever approach
Don't do anything bad to her that she can badmouth you to the kids
Let her have her way and go
Take the high ground

Look after number one.
Don't lose your kids in all this.
You'll get through it

Post on wikivorce,com
All the advice you need is on there.

Edited by stuttgartmetal on Friday 6th May 08:45

This ^^^^

I've seen it a lot.

Stay resolutely fair and look after yourself. The kids will make their own minds up about who they can rely on.

[theguvernor15]

I found out my ex was cheating on me/planning too, she went mental when her friends asked why we'd split up (she'd obviously told them a different reason than the real one)!

Just do everything by the book, remove any posessions that're yours, or you value (store them at a mates etc. if she wants them i'm sure she'll have to 'prove' they're hers).
Anything you don't want, let her have.

If you feel like telling others, then do so, if i was the other blokes wife, i'd want to know!

[Black_S3]

Escapegoat said:

Black_S3 said:

Let's not go too far into the hypothetical... In any tenancy agreement I've signed changing the locks is a massive no. Exactly how they could enforce it I don't know - it's not an additional problem I'd want and don't see how it is productive in any way.

A lock is a prevention against unwanted entry. Nothing more. People lose keys, or else split from BF/GF and have to change them. It's reasonable to do so, and it would be reasonable to inform/give the landlord a replacement key for the new lock.

I know I said I wasn't going to say a thing on these again... But that's a sensible reply.

The way I see it, if done properly like above.... Given that she has equal access rights, she could just pop into the estate agents and ask them to get her a new set of keys cut. All that has been achieved is creating an even more scorned woman, which is very very bad.

[Vaud]

theguvernor15 said:

If you feel like telling others, then do so, if i was the other blokes wife, i'd want to know!

My point is that anything that isn't focused on the OP and the kids is a diversion.

In any event like this there are multiple versions of the truth, and it is impossible to be objective. There can be unintended consequences. The OP does not know enough about the other situation to be able to "risk" telling the other wife.

Suppose she is ill? On medication? Suppose he was going to calmly tell her and ensure her friends, family were there to support her - and an early intervention causes her to do something rash?...

Contact her afterwards, but stay out for now.

[Joratk]

Hearing stories like this would put you off women for life.

Best of luck, OP. Things will work out in the end.

[mikeveal]

Vaud said:

My point is that anything that isn't focused on the OP and the kids is a diversion.

In any event like this there are multiple versions of the truth, and it is impossible to be objective. There can be unintended consequences. The OP does not know enough about the other situation to be able to "risk" telling the other wife.

Suppose she is ill? On medication? Suppose he was going to calmly tell her and ensure her friends, family were there to support her - and an early intervention causes her to do something rash?...

Contact her afterwards, but stay out for now.

I'll say it again. If you contact the other wife, it is entirely possible that she will put a stop to the planned new house, or delay it. It's harsh but doing everything you can to aid getting your wife out is the best thing you can do for yourself.
There is a very good chance you'll shoot yourself in the foot.
You'll also reveal what you know and make your wife harder to deal with whilst she's still under the same roof.

It may sound like the morally right thing to do, but you could very well cause yourself a heap of pain.

[PurpleMoonlight]

Vaud said:

The tenancy is in both names. Do you think this is legal?

Possibly not, but let her bh about it.

[Black_S3]

mikeveal said:

Vaud said:

My point is that anything that isn't focused on the OP and the kids is a diversion.

In any event like this there are multiple versions of the truth, and it is impossible to be objective. There can be unintended consequences. The OP does not know enough about the other situation to be able to "risk" telling the other wife.

Suppose she is ill? On medication? Suppose he was going to calmly tell her and ensure her friends, family were there to support her - and an early intervention causes her to do something rash?...

Contact her afterwards, but stay out for now.

I'll say it again. If you contact the other wife, it is entirely possible that she will put a stop to the planned new house, or delay it. It's harsh but doing everything you can to aid getting your wife out is the best thing you can do for yourself.
There is a very good chance you'll shoot yourself in the foot.
You'll also reveal what you know and make your wife harder to deal with whilst she's still under the same roof.

It may sound like the morally right thing to do, but you could very well cause yourself a heap of pain.

I'd like to think I'd go with both of your advice on this one but can imagine it would be incredibly hard in the position. I think people sometimes need to do things to give themselves strength... I'd hope if I ever find myself in this situation I could get my strength for now by knowing ''the guy'' is willfully accepting all the problems that come with my soon to be ex wife - he will find out the hard way later on in life.

When I was helping my Dad move house 10 years + after his divorce I found a huge folder labeled ''operation freedom''. He laughed and told me it was the folder with all the divorce documents in it and that was his way of keeping on the right tracks.... Every time he sat down to deal with something st and felt despair it reminded him what his goal was.

Hope this helps OP.

[theboss]

I've already sent a message as yet unacknowledged. I know it stands to delay things slightly which could fk me up, but then this has been running for a long time and I've always felt that the moment I had hard evidence (no pun intended) I'd drop him in the st 'just because'. It's hard to convey the anxiety I've experienced for quite some time now whilst being derided as deluded/suspicious/paranoid every time I've brought it up. I suspect they are now panicking like mad about things, which means the boot is refreshingly on the other foot for a change.

Seriously, fk him.