Removing cheating spouse from home - URGENT advice needed
Discussion
She claims she regrets it. She likes to 'hang around' at my place a lot, with the kids, and we get on just fine. I think what she really misses though, is having such a materially privileged and easy non-working life.
Several recent developments on the employment front which stand to impact our current childcare sharing arrangement. First she has been offered a full time job - not a bad one either given her lack of qualifications and experience. It will involve some shift work / nights (resedential child care). At the same time my contract - which has kept me solvent throughout this whole ordeal - has abruptly ended and I've landed something else which will require me to stay away Monday-Friday.
This leaves us in a bit of a quandry - she is telling me she will need more help with the kids mid-week and at the same time I am effectively moving away for the working week. My mother would help but has recently had to start providing full-time care for my elderly grandparents.
I'm sure we'll work it all out, its just another fresh challenge.
I did talk with the ex this week about finalising our divorce. Her immediate response was to question whether my obligation to make child support payments would be part of any consent order.
Several recent developments on the employment front which stand to impact our current childcare sharing arrangement. First she has been offered a full time job - not a bad one either given her lack of qualifications and experience. It will involve some shift work / nights (resedential child care). At the same time my contract - which has kept me solvent throughout this whole ordeal - has abruptly ended and I've landed something else which will require me to stay away Monday-Friday.
This leaves us in a bit of a quandry - she is telling me she will need more help with the kids mid-week and at the same time I am effectively moving away for the working week. My mother would help but has recently had to start providing full-time care for my elderly grandparents.
I'm sure we'll work it all out, its just another fresh challenge.
I did talk with the ex this week about finalising our divorce. Her immediate response was to question whether my obligation to make child support payments would be part of any consent order.
theboss said:
Her immediate response was to question whether my obligation to make child support payments would be part of any consent order.
Clearly she knows who is charge now. 
What happened to the mutual bloke she had started seeing? And your teenage son, is is still having issues?
AndStilliRise said:
Clearly she knows who is charge now.
What happened to the mutual bloke she had started seeing? And your teenage son, is is still having issues?
She's still paying her outstanding solicitor's fees from last year in monthly instalments and has no appetite for accruing more.What happened to the mutual bloke she had started seeing? And your teenage son, is is still having issues?
The problem I may have is getting her to agree to a proposal but on the other hand I am not exactly in secure employment and if it looked as though she could enforceably rinse me for a large proportion of my income I might get so stressed I'd have to stop working.
She has dated that guy but not sure its going anywhere just yet... (he's probably found this thread
)Son is staying with his grandparents (on her side) which is probably the best thing for him at the moment. He has thrown the towel in on college and has no motivation to work or pursue any further academic interest. This is one problem I'm glad to be able to offload at the moment. I don't need an idle self-entitled youth sponging off me.
theboss said:
Son is staying with his grandparents (on her side) which is probably the best thing for him at the moment. He has thrown the towel in on college and has no motivation to work or pursue any further academic interest. This is one problem I'm glad to be able to offload at the moment. I don't need an idle self-entitled youth sponging off me.
For what it's worth on this front I believe that there is all the time in the world for him to turn things around - at his age I went into a similar spiral for a few years but eventually 'saw the light' and sorted out my priorities.Glad to hear things are still moving forward for you, just think where you'll be in another year!
So nearly a month on... in that timeframe a number of things have happened:
1) ex, gloating about the final breakup with the affair partner, signed up to dating apps and within a few days of doing so has entered a new relationship altogether which she seems head over heels about. She's had him over to meet the kids and he now stays at her new home regularly. If he's as nice a guy as she believes, then I'm pleased as she is no longer hovering around me reminiscing about the life she threw away, and it also means the affair partner is out of the picture finally (not that he affects me personally, but he's a nasty-minded, manipulative individual and I want him as far away from my kids' lives as possible).
2) I'm now several weeks into a new contract on the South Coast which necessitates being away midweek. This means I'll have the kids every weekend, and ties quite nicely into the point above, because the ex now wants childless weekends in bed with her new love interest. This does mean that I'm going to find myself fairly stretched although at least I get some time to myself when I'm staying away.
3) ex starts her new job in August, at which point her Mum will be helping out with childcare in both of our absences. The kids know this change is coming and aren't happy about it, but I've had to explain that we both have to work now.
4) Financially I feel like I've been hit over the head with a sledgehammer, the last 15 months has taken its toll and I'm exhausted. My current spending including financially supporting her, is unsustainable and I've told the ex she pays her own rent when she starts receiving a salary. I've kept everyones heads above the water but now I have to scale things back. I'm contemplating folding the family home and just living more cheaply near work but that does pose a difficulty as far as having the kids on the weekend is concerned. It just seems madness forking out to run a large scale family home I'm only at for 2-3 nights a week. I need to financially recuperate. Fortunately I have a long-term and reasonably well paid contract so its not the end of the world.
5) The medico-legal proceedings are progressing, all my medical records have been collated and make for harrowing reading in the sense that my nerve damage was so unavoidable, but on the flip side that does mean that my claim looks very strong. Living with cauda equina syndrome is no joke.
1) ex, gloating about the final breakup with the affair partner, signed up to dating apps and within a few days of doing so has entered a new relationship altogether which she seems head over heels about. She's had him over to meet the kids and he now stays at her new home regularly. If he's as nice a guy as she believes, then I'm pleased as she is no longer hovering around me reminiscing about the life she threw away, and it also means the affair partner is out of the picture finally (not that he affects me personally, but he's a nasty-minded, manipulative individual and I want him as far away from my kids' lives as possible).
2) I'm now several weeks into a new contract on the South Coast which necessitates being away midweek. This means I'll have the kids every weekend, and ties quite nicely into the point above, because the ex now wants childless weekends in bed with her new love interest. This does mean that I'm going to find myself fairly stretched although at least I get some time to myself when I'm staying away.
3) ex starts her new job in August, at which point her Mum will be helping out with childcare in both of our absences. The kids know this change is coming and aren't happy about it, but I've had to explain that we both have to work now.
4) Financially I feel like I've been hit over the head with a sledgehammer, the last 15 months has taken its toll and I'm exhausted. My current spending including financially supporting her, is unsustainable and I've told the ex she pays her own rent when she starts receiving a salary. I've kept everyones heads above the water but now I have to scale things back. I'm contemplating folding the family home and just living more cheaply near work but that does pose a difficulty as far as having the kids on the weekend is concerned. It just seems madness forking out to run a large scale family home I'm only at for 2-3 nights a week. I need to financially recuperate. Fortunately I have a long-term and reasonably well paid contract so its not the end of the world.
5) The medico-legal proceedings are progressing, all my medical records have been collated and make for harrowing reading in the sense that my nerve damage was so unavoidable, but on the flip side that does mean that my claim looks very strong. Living with cauda equina syndrome is no joke.
theboss said:
So nearly a month on... in that timeframe a number of things have happened:
1) ex, gloating about the final breakup with the affair partner, signed up to dating apps and within a few days of doing so has entered a new relationship altogether which she seems head over heels about. She's had him over to meet the kids and he now stays at her new home regularly. If he's as nice a guy as she believes, then I'm pleased as she is no longer hovering around me reminiscing about the life she threw away, and it also means the affair partner is out of the picture finally (not that he affects me personally, but he's a nasty-minded, manipulative individual and I want him as far away from my kids' lives as possible).
2) I'm now several weeks into a new contract on the South Coast which necessitates being away midweek. This means I'll have the kids every weekend, and ties quite nicely into the point above, because the ex now wants childless weekends in bed with her new love interest. This does mean that I'm going to find myself fairly stretched although at least I get some time to myself when I'm staying away.
3) ex starts her new job in August, at which point her Mum will be helping out with childcare in both of our absences. The kids know this change is coming and aren't happy about it, but I've had to explain that we both have to work now.
4) Financially I feel like I've been hit over the head with a sledgehammer, the last 15 months has taken its toll and I'm exhausted. My current spending including financially supporting her, is unsustainable and I've told the ex she pays her own rent when she starts receiving a salary. I've kept everyones heads above the water but now I have to scale things back. I'm contemplating folding the family home and just living more cheaply near work but that does pose a difficulty as far as having the kids on the weekend is concerned. It just seems madness forking out to run a large scale family home I'm only at for 2-3 nights a week. I need to financially recuperate. Fortunately I have a long-term and reasonably well paid contract so its not the end of the world.
5) The medico-legal proceedings are progressing, all my medical records have been collated and make for harrowing reading in the sense that my nerve damage was so unavoidable, but on the flip side that does mean that my claim looks very strong. Living with cauda equina syndrome is no joke.
Wow. You're a stronger man than most: upmost respect with how you've dealt with everything and keep moving forward; I've a feeling that things will pan out well for you. 1) ex, gloating about the final breakup with the affair partner, signed up to dating apps and within a few days of doing so has entered a new relationship altogether which she seems head over heels about. She's had him over to meet the kids and he now stays at her new home regularly. If he's as nice a guy as she believes, then I'm pleased as she is no longer hovering around me reminiscing about the life she threw away, and it also means the affair partner is out of the picture finally (not that he affects me personally, but he's a nasty-minded, manipulative individual and I want him as far away from my kids' lives as possible).
2) I'm now several weeks into a new contract on the South Coast which necessitates being away midweek. This means I'll have the kids every weekend, and ties quite nicely into the point above, because the ex now wants childless weekends in bed with her new love interest. This does mean that I'm going to find myself fairly stretched although at least I get some time to myself when I'm staying away.
3) ex starts her new job in August, at which point her Mum will be helping out with childcare in both of our absences. The kids know this change is coming and aren't happy about it, but I've had to explain that we both have to work now.
4) Financially I feel like I've been hit over the head with a sledgehammer, the last 15 months has taken its toll and I'm exhausted. My current spending including financially supporting her, is unsustainable and I've told the ex she pays her own rent when she starts receiving a salary. I've kept everyones heads above the water but now I have to scale things back. I'm contemplating folding the family home and just living more cheaply near work but that does pose a difficulty as far as having the kids on the weekend is concerned. It just seems madness forking out to run a large scale family home I'm only at for 2-3 nights a week. I need to financially recuperate. Fortunately I have a long-term and reasonably well paid contract so its not the end of the world.
5) The medico-legal proceedings are progressing, all my medical records have been collated and make for harrowing reading in the sense that my nerve damage was so unavoidable, but on the flip side that does mean that my claim looks very strong. Living with cauda equina syndrome is no joke.
theboss said:
I'm contemplating folding the family home and just living more cheaply near work but that does pose a difficulty as far as having the kids on the weekend is concerned. It just seems madness forking out to run a large scale family home I'm only at for 2-3 nights a week. I need to financially recuperate. Fortunately I have a long-term and reasonably well paid contract so its not the end of the world.
What about renting out the house and living somewhere else smaller in the short - medium term? Would mean you don't lose the home but as long as it's occupied, it should relieve some of the financial stressfeef said:
theboss said:
I'm contemplating folding the family home and just living more cheaply near work but that does pose a difficulty as far as having the kids on the weekend is concerned. It just seems madness forking out to run a large scale family home I'm only at for 2-3 nights a week. I need to financially recuperate. Fortunately I have a long-term and reasonably well paid contract so its not the end of the world.
What about renting out the house and living somewhere else smaller in the short - medium term? Would mean you don't lose the home but as long as it's occupied, it should relieve some of the financial stressYou can rent out a room on a Mon-Fri basis or all week depending on what works for you.
I lived in a lodged property (with the family who owned it) for 2 years.
I was very, very happy and only moved when I moved in with my partner in our own place.
I ended up part of their family, had Christmas dinner with them, went out for dinner, etc. Obviously it will take a bit of time to vet the ideal candidate.
I was there all the time, they had an additional lodger who lived Mon-Fri as he went home to London for the weekend (worked at Vodafone in Newbury so stayed local during the week).
Yes I rent my Shropshire home - that's why the ex jumped rather than trying to eject me from the family home. I have absolutely no doubt that if it had been owned, she'd still be living there now with the original affair 
whilst I serviced the mortgage.
Its a large barn conversion in open countryside, on a large family-owned estate with 150+ properties, and effectively a tenancy for life if desired.
I'm in two minds - it seems a waste of money keeping it going only for weekends - but if I were to get rid then I'd either have to firesell the contents, put it all in storage or rent a similar sized place in Hampshire which would cost at least twice as much.
Its probably cheaper to leave the home intact, and either rent a flat near work (circa £800/month, which I could expense for <2 years) or carry on using hotels.
I don't fancy sharing a house or having a lodging because owing to my medical condition, I need my own bathroom, space and privacy.
Hotels seem expensive but are VAT and tax deductible, flexible, provide catering and leisure/gym facilities and a few extra perks such as the Eastern European staff quarters BBQ I've been invited to this evening
whilst I serviced the mortgage.Its a large barn conversion in open countryside, on a large family-owned estate with 150+ properties, and effectively a tenancy for life if desired.
I'm in two minds - it seems a waste of money keeping it going only for weekends - but if I were to get rid then I'd either have to firesell the contents, put it all in storage or rent a similar sized place in Hampshire which would cost at least twice as much.
Its probably cheaper to leave the home intact, and either rent a flat near work (circa £800/month, which I could expense for <2 years) or carry on using hotels.
I don't fancy sharing a house or having a lodging because owing to my medical condition, I need my own bathroom, space and privacy.
Hotels seem expensive but are VAT and tax deductible, flexible, provide catering and leisure/gym facilities and a few extra perks such as the Eastern European staff quarters BBQ I've been invited to this evening
theboss said:
Yes I rent my Shropshire home - that's why the ex jumped rather than trying to eject me from the family home. I have absolutely no doubt that if it had been owned, she'd still be living there now with the original affair whilst I serviced the mortgage.
Its a large barn conversion in open countryside, on a large family-owned estate with 150+ properties, and effectively a tenancy for life if desired.
I'm in two minds - it seems a waste of money keeping it going only for weekends - but if I were to get rid then I'd either have to firesell the contents, put it all in storage or rent a similar sized place in Hampshire which would cost at least twice as much.
Its probably cheaper to leave the home intact, and either rent a flat near work (circa £800/month, which I could expense for <2 years) or carry on using hotels.
I don't fancy sharing a house or having a lodging because owing to my medical condition, I need my own bathroom, space and privacy.
Hotels seem expensive but are VAT and tax deductible, flexible, provide catering and leisure/gym facilities and a few extra perks such as the Eastern European staff quarters BBQ I've been invited to this evening
Boss...with all the challenges you have had...find a way to keep the barn...you need that that constant 'home'...unchanged piece whilst everything else eventually falls into place... whilst I serviced the mortgage.Its a large barn conversion in open countryside, on a large family-owned estate with 150+ properties, and effectively a tenancy for life if desired.
I'm in two minds - it seems a waste of money keeping it going only for weekends - but if I were to get rid then I'd either have to firesell the contents, put it all in storage or rent a similar sized place in Hampshire which would cost at least twice as much.
Its probably cheaper to leave the home intact, and either rent a flat near work (circa £800/month, which I could expense for <2 years) or carry on using hotels.
I don't fancy sharing a house or having a lodging because owing to my medical condition, I need my own bathroom, space and privacy.
Hotels seem expensive but are VAT and tax deductible, flexible, provide catering and leisure/gym facilities and a few extra perks such as the Eastern European staff quarters BBQ I've been invited to this evening
stuttgartmetal said:
The ex sounds like she a bit bipolar
Getting involved n relationships seems like her high
New cars houses, ditto. A bit high
Does she have crashing "downs" ?
It would seem so.Getting involved n relationships seems like her high
New cars houses, ditto. A bit high
Does she have crashing "downs" ?
When she moved out of the 'original' love nest back in October she was seriously distraught. It played into my hands rather nicely because we had the CAFCAS phone interviews for my pending court order the very next day. She was a sobbing wreck even during her phone interview, talking about going to the GP and expressing suicidal thoughts. When I had my turn to speak to the CAFCAS worker one of the first questions they asked is if I held concerns for my wife's mental health. All on record now, of course.
Subsequently, the 'final breakup' with this guy resulted in her being all over the place emotionally. She doesn't cope with any significant challenge very well.
AndrewCrown said:
Boss...with all the challenges you have had...find a way to keep the barn...you need that that constant 'home'...unchanged piece whilst everything else eventually falls into place...
Thankyou, that is my gut feeling also. I feel it has become something of a safe haven for the kids, as its a remnant of their former 'stable' family life that they now associate with me. I'm particularly close to my youngest and I think it would affect her badly if I folded the home. I also have to consider the practical reality of wanting to spend weekends with them and certainly don't want to start ferrying them up and down the country.Thought it was about time I provided an update.
(SoonToBeEx-)wife is now in a bit of a limbo, has had several failed relationships and admitted to me she has only recently cut contact with the original antagonist in this whole sorry affair i.e. she's been seeing him after he's moved in with a new woman! You couldn't make this up.
I get regular sob stories about how we should give it one more go... I calmly and kindly have to just tell her it would never work and that she should move on. I feel she just wants her old lifestyle back - not me personally.
My personal circumstances have become very difficult, I'm struggling with working away from home in a demanding and totally inflexible corporate environment with the various health issues I have.
Some luck has come my way despite this - I recently received a call from a former banking client in London and have had a very generous contract offer. This will be a long term role with people who already know me and understand my situation, allowances are being made for my limitations and I will get to
work from home more than I do now, and also stand to earn considerably more which helps when I'm still reeling from the financial impact of the last 18 months.
On the female front things have been a little complicated but suffice to say I have had more fun in the last few months than in the last 6 years of my marriage. And yes, the Eastern European hotel staff house party did play a role in this.
(SoonToBeEx-)wife is now in a bit of a limbo, has had several failed relationships and admitted to me she has only recently cut contact with the original antagonist in this whole sorry affair i.e. she's been seeing him after he's moved in with a new woman! You couldn't make this up.
I get regular sob stories about how we should give it one more go... I calmly and kindly have to just tell her it would never work and that she should move on. I feel she just wants her old lifestyle back - not me personally.
My personal circumstances have become very difficult, I'm struggling with working away from home in a demanding and totally inflexible corporate environment with the various health issues I have.
Some luck has come my way despite this - I recently received a call from a former banking client in London and have had a very generous contract offer. This will be a long term role with people who already know me and understand my situation, allowances are being made for my limitations and I will get to
work from home more than I do now, and also stand to earn considerably more which helps when I'm still reeling from the financial impact of the last 18 months.
On the female front things have been a little complicated
but suffice to say I have had more fun in the last few months than in the last 6 years of my marriage. And yes, the Eastern European hotel staff house party did play a role in this.Edited by theboss on Thursday 2nd November 18:01
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