Removing cheating spouse from home - URGENT advice needed
Discussion
Three years after calling time on my money-obsessed, manipulative, lying, stabby ex, I met the current MrsC. We have been together 14 years and married for 9 - a more amazing woman never drew breath, so I absolutely don't buy into the 'once bitten' crap - every happiness to you both!
anonymous said:
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Thank you all.Ever the cynic, tonker, but I suspect you are right. There are a few issues to deal with, mostly the fact that she will be arguing for a slice of any prospective compo settlement. If I obtain the clean break I desire, then this matter will be put to rest. If not, then I still have years of fighting.
There is also the inevitable problem down the road, of re-balancing child custody, at the moment we have struck a balance whereby I have the kids 2-3 nights per week. At some point in the future this may change and I’ll want to secure 50:50 if the kids wish for the same.
In terms of her reaction to my remarriage - she hasn’t mentioned it or reacted in any way. She only knows from the children and it’s inevitable she’s seen a few social media pics. I don’t think she will feel particularly jealous or upset towards me, but I suspect she feels very threatened by the imminent establishment of a secure “rival” family unit in my home and the fact that the kids have an excellent relationship with my wife, and the fact that I’ll have the support network I need to have them here more often. The ex has already started trying to set expectations, for example, that she won’t allow the children to be cared for by my wife when I’m not present, and has sought to undermine their relationship with her by denouncing her as nothing more than a friend (stepmothers are an old-fashioned concept which nobody has anymore, they keep reciting to me). I suspect the thought of the children enjoying a mother-child type relationship with another woman is what really bothers her.
anonymous said:
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The kids - I've done everything I can which has generally involved having them in my home every single day I'm not in London working or (once every 3-4 weeks) visiting my partner. I've managed to have them 30-40% of the time (taking account of the fact she has them mostly school days) despite holding down a demanding contract away from home. I realise I'm on the back foot here and that she holds the cards as a 'resident' parent providing a technical majority of childcare, but there isn't more I could have done. If I reduce the amount I work, the whole house of cards collapses spectacularly. All I can hope for is that the children want to restore this balance as much as I do. My youngest is nearly 10 and thinks she's 14 - she is certainly capable of articulating her opinions, and will only continue to become more outspoken.The money - I have nothing to offer her now, no carrots in the bag, so to speak. Of course she won't want a clean break. I can only hope that a court sees her for what she is and grants me severence and closure on the matter. If, on the other hand, the court refuses to grant this on the basis that 'her needs' override my own, then I will resort to drastic measures to ensure that she isn't enriched by my pain and suffering. Nothing underhand - I'd probably just drop the claim altogether. She won't get what she feels entitled to. Child support is another obligation altogether and I'm paying her according to the CMS calculator.
It might be fantastically wishful thinking, but all I can do is present myself to the court, demonstrate that I've held down an income under extreme physical difficulty, think in the best interests of my children and that any future lump sum is intended for my future needs. Every medical opinion I've heard expresses geuine admiration for this fact beacuse many patients in my situation stop working and/or suffer a degree of emotional breakdown. Furthermore every legal opinion I've heard states that she will need to provide compelling evidence of actual financial need in order for a court to consider that compensation is 'fair game' to her. And remember we are talking about a very uncertain prospect 2-4 years down the road. I'm not on the brink of banking a guaranteed half a million quid, which is probably what she suspects. It will also be apparent from her Form E in the near future that she is not exactly destitute and struggling to survive. She is also <40 years old and will need to justify why she is not maximising her earning potential.
Edited by theboss on Tuesday 18th September 12:24
theboss said:
I suspect the thought of the children enjoying a mother-child type relationship with another woman is what really bothers her.
I don't get this at all. Surely as a mother you want as much genuine love and support for your kids as possible, wherever it comes from. The more the better for them.Mario149 said:
theboss said:
I suspect the thought of the children enjoying a mother-child type relationship with another woman is what really bothers her.
I don't get this at all. Surely as a mother you want as much genuine love and support for your kids as possible, wherever it comes from. The more the better for them.It would seem that in her mind, my best choice of partner would be one that the kids despise, in order to avoid her feeling undermined and threatened as their sole exclusive mother-figure.
I have spoken to many women who seem to adopt a similar stance and really feel agrieved by their children having a close relationship with their exes new partner. They really do seem to get upset about it.
I can understand the ex-wife being peeved if her children snuggle up to their father's new woman - if he broke the marriage vows in the first place and the new woman was the 'other' woman. But when she (the ex) did the naughties and caused the marital break up by an adulterous affair how can she be so bloody minded?
motco said:
I can understand the ex-wife being peeved if her children snuggle up to their father's new woman - if he broke the marriage vows in the first place and the new woman was the 'other' woman. But when she (the ex) did the naughties and caused the marital break up by an adulterous affair how can she be so bloody minded?
Don't forget I'm also in the position of watching my children 'snuggle up' to the man she had a long-term affair and ran off with. Despite any malice I may feel towards the guy, I genuinely want them to have a good relationship with him, and I want him to be as decent a man as possible (though don't have much confidence in the 
).anonymous said:
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I think it's more difficult for single men [with children] when it comes to new partners. A single mother only really needs to find a man who merely tolerates her children. He won't generally be expected to take a very 'full on' father figure role and the woman will generally shield him from the day to day stuff.On the other hand if you're a man with younger children you can really only hope to find a woman who takes it in her stride to bond and present herself as a motherly role model to the kids. If she isn't genuinely and naturally interested in your kids you don't stand a hoping chance in hell of getting that relationship off the ground. When my new wife was in the UK, after we first met, she just bonded with them in ways I struggle to - for example spending time dressing their hair, baking in the kitchen, doing all the arts and crafts stuff that they love. A real natural.
The other dilemna is that prospective partners who fit this mould either have children of their own, or want some. A woman who isn't interested in having children probably isn't going to be very interested in your children either.
Essentially by breaking a family at the life stage my ex did, a woman is consigning the man to:
(1) remaining alone / celibate and fully committed to his kids without the complexity of new partners <-- what she always wants
(2) finding a non-child friendly woman and having less to do with my own children
(3) taking on a child-friendly woman with her own kids [who need providing for]
(4) taking on a child-friendly woman who wants kids [who need providing for]
Just when I thought I was over the brow of the hill in terms of child rearing.
Been following but not commented much. Good luck for the future - nice to see you come out the other side (probably feeling a damn site better)
Just thought I would add my 2p's.
Brother in law split from his wife, few months later tried again but it failed. Asked for a divorce, moved out the same day, that night he had a heart attack.
He was in hospital for a few weeks, told he had to quit his job due to the strain it puts on his heart (manual labour), his life insurance paid out in full. At this point the mortgage was under 10k so there was a good surplus.
In court she tried to go for half the settlement, he went for half of her stuff (she made a lot more money) he ended up keeping all of his payout, she kept her pension, she bought him out of the house.
I really hope any compensation you get she's not allowed a penny!
Just thought I would add my 2p's.
Brother in law split from his wife, few months later tried again but it failed. Asked for a divorce, moved out the same day, that night he had a heart attack.
He was in hospital for a few weeks, told he had to quit his job due to the strain it puts on his heart (manual labour), his life insurance paid out in full. At this point the mortgage was under 10k so there was a good surplus.
In court she tried to go for half the settlement, he went for half of her stuff (she made a lot more money) he ended up keeping all of his payout, she kept her pension, she bought him out of the house.
I really hope any compensation you get she's not allowed a penny!
theboss said:
motco said:
I can understand the ex-wife being peeved if her children snuggle up to their father's new woman - if he broke the marriage vows in the first place and the new woman was the 'other' woman. But when she (the ex) did the naughties and caused the marital break up by an adulterous affair how can she be so bloody minded?
Don't forget I'm also in the position of watching my children 'snuggle up' to the man she had a long-term affair and ran off with. Despite any malice I may feel towards the guy, I genuinely want them to have a good relationship with him, and I want him to be as decent a man as possible (though don't have much confidence in the ).strain said:
Been following but not commented much. Good luck for the future - nice to see you come out the other side (probably feeling a damn site better)
Just thought I would add my 2p's.
Brother in law split from his wife, few months later tried again but it failed. Asked for a divorce, moved out the same day, that night he had a heart attack.
He was in hospital for a few weeks, told he had to quit his job due to the strain it puts on his heart (manual labour), his life insurance paid out in full. At this point the mortgage was under 10k so there was a good surplus.
In court she tried to go for half the settlement, he went for half of her stuff (she made a lot more money) he ended up keeping all of his payout, she kept her pension, she bought him out of the house.
I really hope any compensation you get she's not allowed a penny!
Good to hear about your brother-in-law. Unfortunately my ex will always play on the fact that she doesn't earn, has sacrificed her glorious career for our children, etc. and that will undoubtedly help her.Just thought I would add my 2p's.
Brother in law split from his wife, few months later tried again but it failed. Asked for a divorce, moved out the same day, that night he had a heart attack.
He was in hospital for a few weeks, told he had to quit his job due to the strain it puts on his heart (manual labour), his life insurance paid out in full. At this point the mortgage was under 10k so there was a good surplus.
In court she tried to go for half the settlement, he went for half of her stuff (she made a lot more money) he ended up keeping all of his payout, she kept her pension, she bought him out of the house.
I really hope any compensation you get she's not allowed a penny!
motco said:
Indeed, and you're entitled to be awkward about it, but you're not and that is a feather in your cap!
To be fair, I was pretty awkward about it at first, when I befriended his own ex-wife etc. and set about inconveniencing their rosy new lives together (go back about 40 pages)One day I will finally have to come face to face with this guy, but I hope I'll hand him a beer, shake his hand warmly and thank him sincerely for all that he has done. Lucky escape and all that.
olly22n said:
There is a (5);
Enjoy your children for the time you have them, and when you don't, enjoy all that single life brings (be that women, trips to le mans, old motorbikes, whatever).
This notion that you need to be a relationship to be happy, is frankly bks.
That’s the same as no (1) in my list... I didn’t say happiness depends on a relationship, far from it, but I do personally feel more content in a “complete” family unit with some companionship, than without. I’d far rather be without, than with the wrong ‘un.Enjoy your children for the time you have them, and when you don't, enjoy all that single life brings (be that women, trips to le mans, old motorbikes, whatever).
This notion that you need to be a relationship to be happy, is frankly b
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