Ex being unreasonable about seeing my daughter... !!!
Discussion
eybic said:
SickFish said:
I am just so scared that my daughter (being so young) will "forget" me in two weeks 
You don't need to worry about that, my 19 month old Son doesn't see his Nan for a couple of months at a time and still shouts "Nanny" when he sees her.Tough times. I never ended up in court over access, tried to sort it without that. It went a bit like this - every other weekend, with one weeknight per fortnight initially. This lasted about three months as she soon realised that I was having all the fun, and she was having none, especially whilst trying to find Mr Right. So it then became every other week Thursday eve till Mon morning, and every Thursday in between. Now, seven years down the line I have them every weekend, Friday through till Monday (they're 17/14 & 12 now). As time moves on Mum realises that she doesn't want to spend her life as an almost full time single parent, and the kids want to spend more time with their Dad.
Final point for me was reassuring her that regardless of how much time the kids spent with me, my payments to her wouldn't reduce. Be patient and stay cool OP - good luck!
Final point for me was reassuring her that regardless of how much time the kids spent with me, my payments to her wouldn't reduce. Be patient and stay cool OP - good luck!
Pothole said:
SickFish said:
I am just so scared that my daughter (being so young) will "forget" me in two weeks
This is going to sound harsh but for goodness' sake, man up! Of course she won't forget you. Does that happen to servicemen who go away for months at a time? (and do they "die" because of it?) Try and leave the ridiculous melodrama to your ex.We get on like an absolutely house on fire & daughter adores my wife & son and we have a very good relationship. Sadly me living 80 miles away and having my own family, full on job etc means every other weekend is all we can muster without risking me burning myself out.
Even seeing her every other weekend for 1.5 days - I ensue it is quality time spent and utterly make the most out of it and it does work well!
My Dad used to work 7am till 7pm, get back eat & say goodnight to us and then fall asleep on the sofa. Weekend we wanted to play with mates, he loved golf, had the garden to attend etc etc - it's easy to argue that the quality 1.5 days every 2 weeks I spend with my daughter is nigh on par with the ''time'' I spend with my Dad when he lived under the same roof.
You have got to play the long game spend what time you can/have/are allowed to/whatever now...and just keep it ticking over. As she gets older she will appreciate you more & more, and will still respect, love and adore you. Don't burn bridges now for the sake of forcing it to happen, you will only cause damage. Lets face it, how many kids really remember life before 10 years, just make sure you are there to help!!
Build bridges with your ex, even if you are doing 70% of the effort! I am 8 years down the line and so so pleased I did.
edit: Oh & for the love of God remember this is Pistonheads. With more testosterone, macho-ism & brash attitudes then is ever healthy. Don't cut your nose off, get all holy then thou, or start acting 'on the principle of it' - you will only loose painfully! These situations are not fair, you gotta accept that and play the long game. It will work out fine!!!
Edited by Andehh on Tuesday 12th July 18:12
Andehh said:
Pothole said:
SickFish said:
I am just so scared that my daughter (being so young) will "forget" me in two weeks
This is going to sound harsh but for goodness' sake, man up! Of course she won't forget you. Does that happen to servicemen who go away for months at a time? (and do they "die" because of it?) Try and leave the ridiculous melodrama to your ex.We get on like an absolutely house on fire & daughter adores my wife & son and we have a very good relationship. Sadly me living 80 miles away and having my own family, full on job etc means every other weekend is all we can muster without risking me burning myself out.
Even seeing her every other weekend for 1.5 days - I ensue it is quality time spent and utterly make the most out of it and it does work well!
My Dad used to work 7am till 7pm, get back eat & say goodnight to us and then fall asleep on the sofa. Weekend we wanted to play with mates, he loved golf, had the garden to attend etc etc - it's easy to argue that the quality 1.5 days every 2 weeks I spend with my daughter is nigh on par with the ''time'' I spend with my Dad when he lived under the same roof.
You have got to play the long game spend what time you can/have/are allowed to/whatever now...and just keep it ticking over. As she gets older she will appreciate you more & more, and will still respect, love and adore you. Don't burn bridges now for the sake of forcing it to happen, you will only cause damage. Lets face it, how many kids really remember life before 10 years, just make sure you are there to help!!
Build bridges with your ex, even if you are doing 70% of the effort! I am 8 years down the line and so so pleased I did.
edit: Oh & for the love of God remember this is Pistonheads. With more testosterone, macho-ism & brash attitudes then is ever healthy. Don't cut your nose off, get all holy then thou, or start acting 'on the principle of it' - you will only loose painfully! These situations are not fair, you gotta accept that and play the long game. It will work out fine!!!
Edited by Andehh on Tuesday 12th July 18:12
Andehh said:
edit: Oh & for the love of God remember this is Pistonheads. With more testosterone, macho-ism & brash attitudes then is ever healthy. Don't cut your nose off, get all holy then thou, or start acting 'on the principle of it' - you will only loose painfully! These situations are not fair, you gotta accept that and play the long game. It will work out fine!!!
Yeah, this ^Edited by Andehh on Tuesday 12th July 18:12
The only people to benefit from disputes/arguments are the lawyers and courts. My ex learnt this the hard way and managed to let her solicitors convince her to burn £15k+ in fees on a case that an intelligent layman would easily see had no chance of succeeding - I could see it, I didn't even bother with representation as she had literally no chance. She took me to court over visitation, never contested custody, but ended instead with a set of restrictions that allow me to nix the visit for specific reasons (won't go into them here) and also allows the kids to just say no for any reason they want.
I'm lucky to have full custody of both my boys, and can't imagine how difficult it must be to not see your kids very often. When we split my only worry was how it would affect me seeing the kids.
I have kept things very civil with the ex despite her best efforts. But I also understand she is on the flipside and it must be very difficult for her, as despite wanting to she does not get to see the kids very often.
I somehow also managed to get a consent order when we divorced that I can move with the kids to another country to live/work, but this would be the nuclear option as I don't want to shut her out of their lives.
The odds are stacked a bit against men. I know quite a few men whose exes are only too happy to bait them into an argument or worse just so they can then use it as ammunition with cafcass or the courts.
Suck it up and be the bigger person, and be the best parent you can be whenever you get the opportunity.
spookly said:
Yeah, this ^
The only people to benefit from disputes/arguments are the lawyers and courts. My ex learnt this the hard way and managed to let her solicitors convince her to burn £15k+ in fees on a case that an intelligent layman would easily see had no chance of succeeding - I could see it, I didn't even bother with representation as she had literally no chance. She took me to court over visitation, never contested custody, but ended instead with a set of restrictions that allow me to nix the visit for specific reasons (won't go into them here) and also allows the kids to just say no for any reason they want.
I'm lucky to have full custody of both my boys, and can't imagine how difficult it must be to not see your kids very often. When we split my only worry was how it would affect me seeing the kids.
I have kept things very civil with the ex despite her best efforts. But I also understand she is on the flipside and it must be very difficult for her, as despite wanting to she does not get to see the kids very often.
I somehow also managed to get a consent order when we divorced that I can move with the kids to another country to live/work, but this would be the nuclear option as I don't want to shut her out of their lives.
The odds are stacked a bit against men. I know quite a few men whose exes are only too happy to bait them into an argument or worse just so they can then use it as ammunition with cafcass or the courts.
Suck it up and be the bigger person, and be the best parent you can be whenever you get the opportunity.
Without wishing to pry too much, how did you end up with full custody? Unfit mother?The only people to benefit from disputes/arguments are the lawyers and courts. My ex learnt this the hard way and managed to let her solicitors convince her to burn £15k+ in fees on a case that an intelligent layman would easily see had no chance of succeeding - I could see it, I didn't even bother with representation as she had literally no chance. She took me to court over visitation, never contested custody, but ended instead with a set of restrictions that allow me to nix the visit for specific reasons (won't go into them here) and also allows the kids to just say no for any reason they want.
I'm lucky to have full custody of both my boys, and can't imagine how difficult it must be to not see your kids very often. When we split my only worry was how it would affect me seeing the kids.
I have kept things very civil with the ex despite her best efforts. But I also understand she is on the flipside and it must be very difficult for her, as despite wanting to she does not get to see the kids very often.
I somehow also managed to get a consent order when we divorced that I can move with the kids to another country to live/work, but this would be the nuclear option as I don't want to shut her out of their lives.
The odds are stacked a bit against men. I know quite a few men whose exes are only too happy to bait them into an argument or worse just so they can then use it as ammunition with cafcass or the courts.
Suck it up and be the bigger person, and be the best parent you can be whenever you get the opportunity.
Ozone said:
PurpleMoonlight said:
After three years of fighting the system and two ex's, I abandoned the fight to remain part of my childrens lives 10 years ago now.
You get on with your life.
The pain slowly diminishes.
You stop thinking about them every day.
Their last birthdays passed without me remembering.
I don't consider myself a father anymore and tell people I have no children.
Nearly nine years for me.You get on with your life.
The pain slowly diminishes.
You stop thinking about them every day.
Their last birthdays passed without me remembering.
I don't consider myself a father anymore and tell people I have no children.
I thought it was just me going through that. I make a point of not forgetting Birthdays/Xmas at the moment but I am starting to question that. I am flip/flopping about saying whether I have children or not too, it's much easier to say no so that there are no follow up questions
OP, as a lot of posters have said, tread carefully and do not retaliate or fight.
S10GTA said:
Without wishing to pry too much, how did you end up with full custody? Unfit mother?
s2 followed by s4 resulting in her being detained a while and me having the kids full time and moving back into the family home.During divorce proceedings the presumption that I had full custody was never challenged for obvious reasons.
And I also managed a consent order including a clean break with no matrimonial maintenance (I'd been told to expect around £1500 a month for life).
spookly said:
S10GTA said:
Without wishing to pry too much, how did you end up with full custody? Unfit mother?
s2 followed by s4 resulting in her being detained a while and me having the kids full time and moving back into the family home.During divorce proceedings the presumption that I had full custody was never challenged for obvious reasons.
And I also managed a consent order including a clean break with no matrimonial maintenance (I'd been told to expect around £1500 a month for life).
Just read the thread from the start.
f
k life!
The heart ache on here is unbearable and the thought of me not being able to see my little Girl is far worse than anything her mum can occasionally throw at me.
She can be a real pain some times, but think i need to suck up more than i currently do. long game and all that.
Divorce sounds like a massive fker.
f
k life!The heart ache on here is unbearable and the thought of me not being able to see my little Girl is far worse than anything her mum can occasionally throw at me.
She can be a real pain some times, but think i need to suck up more than i currently do. long game and all that.
Divorce sounds like a massive f
ker.S10GTA said:
Blimey. Must have been a challenging time.
Yeah, kinda tough here and there. It wasn't so much the situation and being a full time dad, it was more just how draining it can be having someone in your life that has mental health problems when you are their primary target for any "challenging behaviours".Quickmoose said:
Prizam said:
Divorce sounds like a massive fker.
It is, doubley so if you didn't ask for it, want it, or see it coming.ker.But if you get married and it goes wrong the courts will side with her most of the time and give her the house, kids, half your stuff and free money for a long time that you haven't even earned yet. And the more lazy your wife is the more she is likely to get.
I know some people who have great married relationships, and are still happy years later. I think they are the lucky minority though.
But for men, when it all falls apart it can be completely devastating. I met a guy last year whose wife divorced him at 59, and she had never worked. Took 1/2 his pension which he will not have enough working years to rebuild, especially as she'll be milking him for maintenance payments. The guy looked like an emotional wreck.
About 40% of marriages in the UK end in divorce. If you gave me a parachute and said there was a 60% chance it would work, would you expect me to jump ;-)
spookly said:
Quickmoose said:
Prizam said:
Divorce sounds like a massive fker.
It is, doubley so if you didn't ask for it, want it, or see it coming.ker.But if you get married and it goes wrong the courts will side with her most of the time and give her the house, kids, half your stuff and free money for a long time that you haven't even earned yet. And the more lazy your wife is the more she is likely to get.
I know some people who have great married relationships, and are still happy years later. I think they are the lucky minority though.
But for men, when it all falls apart it can be completely devastating. I met a guy last year whose wife divorced him at 59, and she had never worked. Took 1/2 his pension which he will not have enough working years to rebuild, especially as she'll be milking him for maintenance payments. The guy looked like an emotional wreck.
About 40% of marriages in the UK end in divorce. If you gave me a parachute and said there was a 60% chance it would work, would you expect me to jump ;-)
Pothole said:
spookly said:
Quickmoose said:
Prizam said:
Divorce sounds like a massive fker.
It is, doubley so if you didn't ask for it, want it, or see it coming.ker.But if you get married and it goes wrong the courts will side with her most of the time and give her the house, kids, half your stuff and free money for a long time that you haven't even earned yet. And the more lazy your wife is the more she is likely to get.
I know some people who have great married relationships, and are still happy years later. I think they are the lucky minority though.
But for men, when it all falls apart it can be completely devastating. I met a guy last year whose wife divorced him at 59, and she had never worked. Took 1/2 his pension which he will not have enough working years to rebuild, especially as she'll be milking him for maintenance payments. The guy looked like an emotional wreck.
About 40% of marriages in the UK end in divorce. If you gave me a parachute and said there was a 60% chance it would work, would you expect me to jump ;-)
Seeing marriage as a bad deal for men is not prejudice, it is quite obvious to the many men who have been through divorces and those who have seen it.
By 'told' I don't mean force, coerce, forbid... I mean advise. Bringing up children well will involve giving them advice. Would you think it bad to advise children that doing Heroin is probably not a good idea?
Perhaps you could enlighten us all as to what anyone has to gain from marriage that you don't get in a long term committed relationship?
Maybe you can start be telling us if you are married or religious?
Unless you are religious, which I am not, then what should motivate me to marry? When I was younger I thought I should get married as that is what my family and society expects men to do.... but now I am older and have been through a divorce and seen friends divorced I would not recommend it to any man.
If you like I can give you lots of reasons why I have reached that conclusion.
Will you be able to give me one good reason why you think that is a 'prejudice'?
And give any positive benefit to a man from getting married?
Prizam said:
Divorce sounds like a massive fker.
Yes, it is. And it cannot happen if you do not marry :-)ker.spookly said:
Seeing marriage as a bad deal for men is not prejudice, it is quite obvious to the many men who have been through divorces and those who have seen it.
The problem is that some people look at divorce and view it in terms of whather it is good or bad for men (or women). As far as I can see where children are involved the courts tend to be focussed on what is best for them. It just so happens that as a society we still view women as the primary child carers, a view I suspect is held by a great many people on PH, and so it is clear why women tend to appear to do better out of divorce. Edited by Devil2575 on Friday 15th July 14:00
I'm sure if men put aside their desire for a job/career and went for being the primary care giver to the kids....they'd get it as often as the women. Too many seem to want to have the ex wife raise the kids and forgo a decent job as a result while granting whatever access they like to a dad who is free most of the time to do what he wants.
Devil2575 said:
The problem is that some people look at divorce and view it in terms of whather it is good or bad for men (or women). As far as I can see where children are involved the courts tend to be focussed on what is best for them. It just so happens that as a society we still view women as the primary child carers, a view I suspect is held by a great many people on PH, and so it is clear why women tend to appear to do better out of divorce.
Tiggsy said:
I'm sure if men put aside their desire for a job/career and went for being the primary care giver to the kids....they'd get it as often as the women. Too many seem to want to have the ex wife raise the kids and forgo a decent job as a result while granting whatever access they like to a dad who is free most of the time to do what he wants.
Ah, the "won't someone think of the children" justification :-)1. Marriages do not always involve children.
2. The courts treat parenting the same (mostly) inside and outside of marriage - you'll still pay child support and can be involved in parenting regardless of whether you married.
3. The courts also separate (mostly) the issues of spousal finances and children/child support when divorcing.
You can get the rough end of the stick from divorcing without ever having children.
Imagine you marry someone who makes the same money you do, then you marry. A few years later she decides she doesn't want to work anymore. A few years after that she decides she is depressed and sees a doctor. Then a few years later she divorces you. Claims she can't work due to depression. The court then awards her 1/2 the value of the house you paid for, 1/2 your pension and large maintenance payments for as long as she still claims she is depressed.... sound fair?
I think there are circumstances where the outcome is fair. But there are many where it does not appear to be fair. And I narrowly avoided being screwed myself by being fortunate to get made redundant just before financial hearings.
Please don't make the mistake of thinking I am a bitter or angry divorcee.
I'm very happy, still live in the family home, have full custody of the kids, have a good job, several cars and a motorbike, take the kids exploring on lots of foreign holidays. Have had several girlfriends since getting divorced but am not currently inclined to marry or make serious commitments.
Just because I was lucky to get through a divorce smelling of roses doesn't mean I can't see all the friends and colleagues who have been absolutely wrecked by the experience.
I've not read, apart from the first post this whole thread, however have done the whole family court thing, spent thousands and thousands on a solicitor.
Upon the final hearing when i set out what i wanted. (3 weekends in a row).
My solicitor said that the default amount is every other weekend, anything else is a bonus, so unless you can talk your ex into every other weekend, then be prepared to learn to accept it's every other weekend, the courts won't change it unless a) the mother agrees of her own free will, or b) you can put together an incredibly good argument of why they should be with you for the additional time, just because you want too isn't good enough.
FYI - it's not about rolling over, mediation probably won't work, but you do have to do it to get it to court or the courts just send you back again to do it (court is supposed to be a last option).
After a couple of years things between myself & my ex weren't as bitter & although we have a court order saying i see my lad 3 weekends in a row & can take him on holiday for a week per year (as long as she agrees), we do tend to have a fairly casual agreement now, sometimes i'll have him more, sometimes i'll have him less days (if i've got work commitments, or say a wedding to go to), in fact i see him more now than when we stuck to the order.
It's not easy & it will be a long, stressful drawn out process.
Upon the final hearing when i set out what i wanted. (3 weekends in a row).
My solicitor said that the default amount is every other weekend, anything else is a bonus, so unless you can talk your ex into every other weekend, then be prepared to learn to accept it's every other weekend, the courts won't change it unless a) the mother agrees of her own free will, or b) you can put together an incredibly good argument of why they should be with you for the additional time, just because you want too isn't good enough.
FYI - it's not about rolling over, mediation probably won't work, but you do have to do it to get it to court or the courts just send you back again to do it (court is supposed to be a last option).
After a couple of years things between myself & my ex weren't as bitter & although we have a court order saying i see my lad 3 weekends in a row & can take him on holiday for a week per year (as long as she agrees), we do tend to have a fairly casual agreement now, sometimes i'll have him more, sometimes i'll have him less days (if i've got work commitments, or say a wedding to go to), in fact i see him more now than when we stuck to the order.
It's not easy & it will be a long, stressful drawn out process.
Edited by theguvernor15 on Friday 15th July 15:45
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