Getting over deep emotional regret?

[tinytim123]

Has anyone here gotten over deep emotional regret before & have any tips for coping, know how long it should take?

Bit of background: met the love of my life but we broke up for silly reasons. Had a recent opportunity to get back together after a couple years but did what I thought was best at the time and lost my chance. No hard feelings from the ex, she is a bit disappointed as she was very keen but now it's too late and she has moved on (with someone else). I am left picking up the pieces.

Be great to hear from anyone that may have been through something similar. It is hard because there was nothing fundamentally wrong so it is difficult to look at it objectively and say 'we wouldn't have worked because of y'. Family/friends are being supportive but none been through anything similar before other than a messy breakup where it might be easier to get objective about failings.

[TurbosSuck]

Crikey, never had to face regret in that sense but I have split up with someone I loved. My advice, for what it's worth, is that if she has moved on you will need to too.

Don't try and replace her and don't try and find 'love' again. That will come in time. Just got out there and make friends and keep busy. There is an old saying that the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. This worked for me.

[SturdyHSV]

There were presumably reasons as you did what you thought was best at the time and didn't get back together with her when the opportunity arose? Have those reasons changed now?

On the topic of 'love of your life', wiser and much more entertaining words than I could ever muster:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KynIKjRwqDI

[designforlife]

SturdyHSV said:

There were presumably reasons as you did what you thought was best at the time and didn't get back together with her when the opportunity arose? Have those reasons changed now?

On the topic of 'love of your life', wiser and much more entertaining words than I could ever muster:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KynIKjRwqDI

Didn't even need to click the link to know who that was gonna be

And as far as the OP - It'll hurt for a while, and you'll always wonder. I still do sometimes, about the ones that got away.

But, you will meet someone new, you will fall in love again, and all will be well.

I highly, highly doubt that this ex was your one and only shot at happiness.

Crack on with life, and it'll come to you in good time. Just focus on yourself for now, hobbies, friends, do things that make you happy and make the most of that freedom before you do have to factor someone else in again.

It's taken me from weeks to a couple of years to get over ex's in the past, totally dependent on the situation, but also on how much you allow yourself to dwell. There is no right and wrong amount of time, but meeting new people, and women, does help a lot.

Edited by designforlife on Friday 9th November 13:11

[didelydoo]

Time heals what reason cannot.

If it’s outwith your control, you have to let it go and move on. Occupy your mind with something else.

It may take a while, but you have to learn to let go.

[anonymous-user]

if you broke up over silly reasons then the relationship wasn't mature enough to sustain itself for the long haul.

There were probably many incompatibilities in the relationship and you need to be realistic with yourself about those.

I don't believe in this "one that got away" stuff. People break up for reasons and most of the time, we never return to those relationships for our own personal reasons.

It's natural to long for someone you were emotionally connected to but it's also natural not to want to go back into a relationship that failed the first time around.

There will come a point in the future that you look back on your feelings at this point and wonder what all the fuss was about. The reason?because when you meet your wife it will all fall into place and you won't be breaking up over silly reasons, I can tell you that for sure....

Watch the movie swingers (no, not that kind of swinging), it's all in there.

[xx99xx]

Tips for coping....sounds harsh but literally get on with your life. Sooner or later you'll have gotten over the heartbreak and will be 'back to normall'. You need to fully accept it's over to be able to move on, even if you regret how you handled it and how it worked out.

It's rubbish but we've all been there. As you get older you learn to give less of a sh¹t when things go wrong. Sorry, but there is nothing anyone can say to make your situation better as it just takes time.

[tinytim123]

DoubleTime said:

It's natural to long for someone you were emotionally connected to but it's also natural not to want to go back into a relationship that failed the first time around.

There will come a point in the future that you look back on your feelings at this point and wonder what all the fuss was about. The reason?because when you meet your wife it will all fall into place and you won't be breaking up over silly reasons, I can tell you that for sure....

Thanks man, and all other posters. Feels like it is getting better & agree that it is a mentality thing. But made worse because it feels like a big mistake/chance missed. Guess it will just go down to a lesson I'll have to learn. A difficult one at that.

[toddler]

tinytim123 said:

Thanks man, and all other posters. Feels like it is getting better & agree that it is a mentality thing. But made worse because it feels like a big mistake/chance missed. Guess it will just go down to a lesson I'll have to learn. A difficult one at that.

If that's how you feel then you have to tell her. You may regret it for a very long time if you don't. Worst case, she tells you it's too late, she's moved on, but at least you know you tried. I made the wrong choice 28 years ago and still regret it to this day.

[tinytim123]

toddler said:

If that's how you feel then you have to tell her. You may regret it for a very long time if you don't. Worst case, she tells you it's too late, she's moved on, but at least you know you tried. I made the wrong choice 28 years ago and still regret it to this day.

I told her. But she is with someone else now & don't think she wants to leave him. I had a girlfriend since we broke up the first time so have been in her position and know from experience that when you are happy you don't want to deviate from that happy relationship, so in a sense this breaks my heart as that could well be it for good now.

[SturdyHSV]

tinytim123 said:

toddler said:

If that's how you feel then you have to tell her. You may regret it for a very long time if you don't. Worst case, she tells you it's too late, she's moved on, but at least you know you tried. I made the wrong choice 28 years ago and still regret it to this day.

I told her. But she is with someone else now & don't think she wants to leave him. I had a girlfriend since we broke up the first time so have been in her position and know from experience that when you are happy you don't want to deviate from that happy relationship, so in a sense this breaks my heart as that could well be it for good now.

So is the deep emotional regret specifically about her, or just regret that you're now not happy, and she is your favourite ex? Because if you were happy in another relationship and didn't want to get back with her, then you'll be happy in the next relationship (at some point) and she'll be off the cards.

Break all contact, stop thinking about her and get on with it, it's your only sensible option.

There are probably millions of women in the world more compatible with you than she is, go after some of them, if she was such a 'perfect' match you wouldn't have broken up.

I'm trying to be harshly black and white here because ultimately your best route to happiness is moving on and getting on with your life.

[Hoofy]

I just don't commit energy/time to it.

With enough effort, I can ride that descending emotional spiral, of course, but I choose not to.

[NoVetec]

Hoofy said:

I just don't commit energy/time to it.

With enough effort, I can ride that descending emotional spiral, of course, but I choose not to.

Devote time to other things - the emotional energy will flow away in those different directions by implication.

Starting to do that can be hard of course, trying to rely on yourself and all that encompasses to be happy instead of relying on others to be happy is the key IMO.




And/or take another scope of thought - remember that love is just a chemical reaction in order to get us to breed...