Time off to look after parent after medical emergency
Discussion
Hi there
Very quick question which might be a bit vague but I'm trying to figure out generally how long can an employee can be off work for after a close relative has had a major medical emergency?
My mum was taken ill yesterday. She lives in London and I traveled up from Gloucester. She lives with my brother who has only just turned 18 and I am the oldest sibling. We have no close family or friends.
While we aren't totally sure of her status until she has woken up, but I think she is going to need a lot of help and support going forwards, and I need to be here to help her anyway I can.
Work seemed ok with me taking time off today and tomorrow to see her, but I know we are short staffed and I get the distinct impression they expect me back "soon", as in "ideally Friday, definitely Monday", while I suspect she will be under sedation until at least Friday and I'm not sure when she will wake up.
Free feel to call me a baby, but l mentally cannot deal with work until at least she wakes up. My mum is my world. And going forwards I suspect that I'm going to have to be around a lot more than I have been.
I don't want to take the p, because I like my job, but this is a massive shock and I primarily need to be here for my family. I need to know what is and isn't "allowed" so I can plan accordingly.
I know the situation is kind of unknown at this point, but I wanted to get some input and advice. I've never had to deal with this sort of thing before and don't know what to do or who to ask.
Thank you and take care of yourselves and your loved ones.
Very quick question which might be a bit vague but I'm trying to figure out generally how long can an employee can be off work for after a close relative has had a major medical emergency?
My mum was taken ill yesterday. She lives in London and I traveled up from Gloucester. She lives with my brother who has only just turned 18 and I am the oldest sibling. We have no close family or friends.
While we aren't totally sure of her status until she has woken up, but I think she is going to need a lot of help and support going forwards, and I need to be here to help her anyway I can.
Work seemed ok with me taking time off today and tomorrow to see her, but I know we are short staffed and I get the distinct impression they expect me back "soon", as in "ideally Friday, definitely Monday", while I suspect she will be under sedation until at least Friday and I'm not sure when she will wake up.
Free feel to call me a baby, but l mentally cannot deal with work until at least she wakes up. My mum is my world. And going forwards I suspect that I'm going to have to be around a lot more than I have been.
I don't want to take the p, because I like my job, but this is a massive shock and I primarily need to be here for my family. I need to know what is and isn't "allowed" so I can plan accordingly.
I know the situation is kind of unknown at this point, but I wanted to get some input and advice. I've never had to deal with this sort of thing before and don't know what to do or who to ask.
Thank you and take care of yourselves and your loved ones.
Nobody is going to thankyou for keeping schtumm, and vanishing in a short staffed small business. Go soo your Mum, have a think about what her illness is going to mean as an impact on your life, and what that means for work. Then have a grown up conversation with them, layout what the issue is, and what you can do (and from where). If you can realistically do three days a week remotely, tell them that. Worst comes to worst, unpaid leave following the first few days of compassionate leave. Best case, WFH from London while you're sorting your Mum and your brother out.
Best wishes, hope it all turns out OK.
Best wishes, hope it all turns out OK.
randlemarcus said:
Nobody is going to thankyou for keeping schtumm, and vanishing in a short staffed small business. Go soo your Mum, have a think about what her illness is going to mean as an impact on your life, and what that means for work. Then have a grown up conversation with them, layout what the issue is, and what you can do (and from where). If you can realistically do three days a week remotely, tell them that. Worst comes to worst, unpaid leave following the first few days of compassionate leave. Best case, WFH from London while you're sorting your Mum and your brother out.
Best wishes, hope it all turns out OK.
Thank you for your reply and wishes, it means a lot Best wishes, hope it all turns out OK.
It's possible I'm over thinking things and my manager seems genuinely compassionate and wanting to help so there is no reason why I can't have a honest conversation about things at some point, but it's the short term and what is "reasonable" for compassionate leave that is concerning me.
Some websites suggest a day or two, while realastically I might be in a position to work from London on Monday *IF* she wakes up over the weekend, something the doctors are being vague about.
Ultimately I'm just going to have to wait and see what the situation is and how I can work with them and if I can't then my family comes first. It's just this is so unknown and alien to me, I'm not sure what is acceptable or not, but in the grand scheme of things, I just need to do what is right for us and worry later.
Thanks again.
Edited by anonymous-user on Thursday 17th June 00:02
Not sure if the link below helps.
https://www.gov.uk/time-off-for-dependants
AIUI there's no statutory defined amount of leave. It depends wholly on your employer. They may have a formal policy or they may leave it down to your Manager to decide what is/isn't appropriate. What i would suggest is
- have a full discussion with your Line Manager
- tell him what you would like ideally
- ask him what the Compnay can provide (in terms of paid leave, unpaid leave, flexible working, remote working)
- find out if there's a mutually acceptable compromise.
Given that it's your mum i would expect a Manager to be understanding and give you at least a few days off (or ask you to take it as A/L) but all Companies have a different culture
https://www.gov.uk/time-off-for-dependants
AIUI there's no statutory defined amount of leave. It depends wholly on your employer. They may have a formal policy or they may leave it down to your Manager to decide what is/isn't appropriate. What i would suggest is
- have a full discussion with your Line Manager
- tell him what you would like ideally
- ask him what the Compnay can provide (in terms of paid leave, unpaid leave, flexible working, remote working)
- find out if there's a mutually acceptable compromise.
Given that it's your mum i would expect a Manager to be understanding and give you at least a few days off (or ask you to take it as A/L) but all Companies have a different culture
Every company is different but in case it helps at my place (global law firm) the official policy in this situation would be 5 days paid compassionate leave, but realistically we would allow 10 if the circumstances required it. We would also offer longer on an unpaid basis or via annual leave.
Earlier this year one of my team was on the verge of heading home to (to another country) for personal/COVID reasons and after an honest discussion we were willing to give her 6 weeks (2 paid, 2 annual leave, 2 unpaid).
Earlier this year one of my team was on the verge of heading home to (to another country) for personal/COVID reasons and after an honest discussion we were willing to give her 6 weeks (2 paid, 2 annual leave, 2 unpaid).
From experience I’ve found that Countdown’s post typically leads to Wiggy001’s. If it’s a very small business then they might be less supportive longer term but YMMV.
Even bigger firms don’t always get it right though. My last job didn’t even offer me any time off when my mum was being blue-lighted to A&E. But they were a bloody awful employer.
Wish your mum well and hope they give you as much time off as you need.
Even bigger firms don’t always get it right though. My last job didn’t even offer me any time off when my mum was being blue-lighted to A&E. But they were a bloody awful employer.
Wish your mum well and hope they give you as much time off as you need.
Thank you for your replies guys, means a lot.
I spoke to my manager, I'm going to collect my work van and potentially work from Monday from London for a bit, but that is providing everything gets better with mum and I feel upto it. We will see.
Ultimately I've decided that I need to focus on making things tick over until she is up and we have an idea of what the recovery plan is. Ultimately if I need to take a long leave of absence or even leave, my family and our situation comes first, everything else can be fixed later.
Thank you again for the replies.
I spoke to my manager, I'm going to collect my work van and potentially work from Monday from London for a bit, but that is providing everything gets better with mum and I feel upto it. We will see.
Ultimately I've decided that I need to focus on making things tick over until she is up and we have an idea of what the recovery plan is. Ultimately if I need to take a long leave of absence or even leave, my family and our situation comes first, everything else can be fixed later.
Thank you again for the replies.
Work is work, family is family. Don't beat around the bush just tell them you need time off, a few weeks or months doesn't matter. Some employers will be fine others will be arsey but at the end of the day you need to do what needs to be done. My ex employer wasn't particularly sympathetic to such situations which is why they are my ex employer.
A few examples were trying to give me a disciplinary for an unauthorised absence for going to my own grandmothers funeral two Days after she died on Boxing Day and I left several messages. Then there was the time I broke my back in a car accident and they were more interested why I was wearing trainers.
Then a colleague fell through a floor and injured himself quite badly, he was still conscious and while waiting for the ambulance in agony the manager was away to get the accident report form to ask him questions. First question was - was the injury a result of a deliberate act or suicide attempt. Honestly you could not make it up.
Do what you need to do, there are plenty of other jobs.
A few examples were trying to give me a disciplinary for an unauthorised absence for going to my own grandmothers funeral two Days after she died on Boxing Day and I left several messages. Then there was the time I broke my back in a car accident and they were more interested why I was wearing trainers.
Then a colleague fell through a floor and injured himself quite badly, he was still conscious and while waiting for the ambulance in agony the manager was away to get the accident report form to ask him questions. First question was - was the injury a result of a deliberate act or suicide attempt. Honestly you could not make it up.
Do what you need to do, there are plenty of other jobs.
sutoka said:
Work is work, family is family. Don't beat around the bush just tell them you need time off, a few weeks or months doesn't matter. Some employers will be fine others will be arsey but at the end of the day you need to do what needs to be done. My ex employer wasn't particularly sympathetic to such situations which is why they are my ex employer.
A few examples were trying to give me a disciplinary for an unauthorised absence for going to my own grandmothers funeral two Days after she died on Boxing Day and I left several messages. Then there was the time I broke my back in a car accident and they were more interested why I was wearing trainers.
Then a colleague fell through a floor and injured himself quite badly, he was still conscious and while waiting for the ambulance in agony the manager was away to get the accident report form to ask him questions. First question was - was the injury a result of a deliberate act or suicide attempt. Honestly you could not make it up.
Do what you need to do, there are plenty of other jobs.
Thank you for your reply, it helps put things into perspective.A few examples were trying to give me a disciplinary for an unauthorised absence for going to my own grandmothers funeral two Days after she died on Boxing Day and I left several messages. Then there was the time I broke my back in a car accident and they were more interested why I was wearing trainers.
Then a colleague fell through a floor and injured himself quite badly, he was still conscious and while waiting for the ambulance in agony the manager was away to get the accident report form to ask him questions. First question was - was the injury a result of a deliberate act or suicide attempt. Honestly you could not make it up.
Do what you need to do, there are plenty of other jobs.
I get anxious and don't want to upset people/work - I love my job... But I love my mum oh so much more, and she's still in ICU, she still hasn't woken up and we still have no idea how much of her life is going to be impacted by this.
I'm worrying about upsetting my manager, but I work for a national corporation with thousands of employees. They want me back ASAP and I'm stressing about upsetting them because "life goes on", but without wanting to seem dramatic, the lives of our family are on pause for a bit, and may be dramatically different when play is pressed.
The 3 hour drive to relocate my van took closer to 6 hours with "emotion breaks". I do not feel like I am in a fit state to safely and effectively carry out my isolated, dangerous customer facing role at the moment.
Frankly the more I think about the situation, especially the fact that my manager knew I was in a fragile mental state well before this kicked off, the more peeved I am for feeling pressured to go back on Monday. But I guess for him it's just business.
Really, really appreciate your advice and wishes guys. I luckily haven't had to go through anything like this before and having it happen all at once without anyone to really talk to or ask for advice is a bit overwhelming. The response has meant so much, genuinely, thank you from the bottom of my heart
Edited by anonymous-user on Saturday 19th June 14:21
Edited by anonymous-user on Saturday 19th June 14:23
Sorry to hear about your Mum and hope she recovers well.
Remember that you can get signed off work by your GP. If you explain the situation to them and also explain your state of mind I’m sure any sympathetic GP would sign you off for a fortnight/month. This would at least give you some breathing space and time to be with your family.
Remember that you can get signed off work by your GP. If you explain the situation to them and also explain your state of mind I’m sure any sympathetic GP would sign you off for a fortnight/month. This would at least give you some breathing space and time to be with your family.
(take everything I say with a pinch of salt, just in case as I do care for my staff)
If you want to know your rights, contact CAB first.
If I were your boss I would want you to have a frank and honest discussion with me, I would then want to know whats on your mind and where I can help you as thats the point of my job. Make sure you discuss everything and to be honest if your boss has questions then dont fob them off.
If you cant talk to your boss is HR an idea?
The bottom line is to discuss it with someone in the company, that way you will get the weight off your shoulders, if it's not the news you want then come back here and discuss it (dismissal, etc) but you cant go through the current situation wanting to care for your mother worrying about your job.
If you want to know your rights, contact CAB first.
If I were your boss I would want you to have a frank and honest discussion with me, I would then want to know whats on your mind and where I can help you as thats the point of my job. Make sure you discuss everything and to be honest if your boss has questions then dont fob them off.
If you cant talk to your boss is HR an idea?
The bottom line is to discuss it with someone in the company, that way you will get the weight off your shoulders, if it's not the news you want then come back here and discuss it (dismissal, etc) but you cant go through the current situation wanting to care for your mother worrying about your job.
Thanks for the further replies guys.
Yesterday was promising in the sense that they are reducing the sedation and she is "waking up", but she looks very uncomfortable and scared
.
It's a worrying state though because I'm very worried about brain damage. She was out for a bit. The doctors say we need to wait for the sedation to wear off.
Regardless, seeing her in that state. I just want to be there and talk to her and let her know how special she is and how proud I am of her and how everything is going to be ok... But she's still in critical care and I feel like while it might help her, me being there hinders the doctors.
But once she is out of that unit, I now know that I want to spend every waking moment with her until I know she is comfortable and knows what is going on.
Anyways, I called my manager yesterday after seeing her. I had the kind of chat that the last few posts have advised.
It started as me "trying" to tell him that I wanted to be put in as sick for stress/mental health reasons. While he does seem genuinely supportive and he spent a good 45 mins of his Sunday evening chatting to me and trying to keep me positive, I do get the underlying tone that he wants me back ASAP. I know we've got a few other specialist techs off sick at the moment and work load has picked up... Usually that would make me worry and want to do a good job to help my team... but In my head I feel like i need to help my family a bit more. There's three of us trying to deal with my mum, while I work for a national corporation with literally thousands of other technicians that can help deal with work.
From me telling him that I wanted to self cert for a week for stress, he's convinced me to be put off for today to speak with her doctors a bit later to get a further update on her and my GP and see how things are in the afternoon...
I know it's not standard practice, but I'm going to beg the GP for a fit/sick note to start immediately for a few weeks. I dont have the strongest of will at the best of times and I'm struggling to find the backbone to tell work I need a least a few weeks off to assess the situation and be with her. Everything at the moment is a complete unknown and times aren't progressing even nearly as quickly as you would hope. I'm very worried.
I'm 99.9% sure these emergency days arent even paid which is slightly annoying, and while money is the absolute last of my worries at the moment, but it's a bit frustrating to know that I've been "talked out of" at least a days sick pay.
It's like my manager, despite being sodding excellent with most things to date and genuinely the best one I've ever worked under knows that my mental state has been fragile for the past few months, he physically saw me have a panic attack the week prior to this and knows that Im a worrier, it feels like he really, REALLY doesnt want to let me to go off sick... But I think I need it.
I guess quick car/work related grief story. I was working in a garage doing a service when I got the news my nan had passed. I told my manager there what had happened and they asked if I wanted to go home - To try and "not upset people" I said I would work until lunch and see how things were. Anyway, went back to my bay and went back to work. 20 mins later manager comes to check in with me, "I'm fine, Just filling up the oil and this one is finished" I said. About the moment the last word came from my mouth, I realised a golden puddle underneath the car I was servicing. Hand on heart, I've never left a sump plug loose in my career, in my state I hadn't even fitted one
. Without a word I went to go a mop and bucket and which point my manager shouted "For f
k state J, GO HOME!" 
Sorry for the rant and long post. Lots going on and limited places to vent. Thank you for listening
Yesterday was promising in the sense that they are reducing the sedation and she is "waking up", but she looks very uncomfortable and scared
.It's a worrying state though because I'm very worried about brain damage. She was out for a bit. The doctors say we need to wait for the sedation to wear off.
Regardless, seeing her in that state. I just want to be there and talk to her and let her know how special she is and how proud I am of her and how everything is going to be ok... But she's still in critical care and I feel like while it might help her, me being there hinders the doctors.
But once she is out of that unit, I now know that I want to spend every waking moment with her until I know she is comfortable and knows what is going on.
Anyways, I called my manager yesterday after seeing her. I had the kind of chat that the last few posts have advised.
It started as me "trying" to tell him that I wanted to be put in as sick for stress/mental health reasons. While he does seem genuinely supportive and he spent a good 45 mins of his Sunday evening chatting to me and trying to keep me positive, I do get the underlying tone that he wants me back ASAP. I know we've got a few other specialist techs off sick at the moment and work load has picked up... Usually that would make me worry and want to do a good job to help my team... but In my head I feel like i need to help my family a bit more. There's three of us trying to deal with my mum, while I work for a national corporation with literally thousands of other technicians that can help deal with work.
From me telling him that I wanted to self cert for a week for stress, he's convinced me to be put off for today to speak with her doctors a bit later to get a further update on her and my GP and see how things are in the afternoon...
I know it's not standard practice, but I'm going to beg the GP for a fit/sick note to start immediately for a few weeks. I dont have the strongest of will at the best of times and I'm struggling to find the backbone to tell work I need a least a few weeks off to assess the situation and be with her. Everything at the moment is a complete unknown and times aren't progressing even nearly as quickly as you would hope. I'm very worried.
I'm 99.9% sure these emergency days arent even paid which is slightly annoying, and while money is the absolute last of my worries at the moment, but it's a bit frustrating to know that I've been "talked out of" at least a days sick pay.
It's like my manager, despite being sodding excellent with most things to date and genuinely the best one I've ever worked under knows that my mental state has been fragile for the past few months, he physically saw me have a panic attack the week prior to this and knows that Im a worrier, it feels like he really, REALLY doesnt want to let me to go off sick... But I think I need it.
I guess quick car/work related grief story. I was working in a garage doing a service when I got the news my nan had passed. I told my manager there what had happened and they asked if I wanted to go home - To try and "not upset people" I said I would work until lunch and see how things were. Anyway, went back to my bay and went back to work. 20 mins later manager comes to check in with me, "I'm fine, Just filling up the oil and this one is finished" I said. About the moment the last word came from my mouth, I realised a golden puddle underneath the car I was servicing. Hand on heart, I've never left a sump plug loose in my career, in my state I hadn't even fitted one
. Without a word I went to go a mop and bucket and which point my manager shouted "For fk state J, GO HOME!" Sorry for the rant and long post. Lots going on and limited places to vent. Thank you for listening
Sorry to hear about your Mother. I hope for the best possible outcome for you.
As a former manager all I can say is that you should really take some compassionate leave, holiday or sick leave.
You cannot expect the business to simply deal with the loss of potentially their top technical expert for a matter of weeks at extremely short notice, without using at least one of the above and you will obviously suffer reduced pay.
I have in the past granted a week at full pay to a staff member whose parent had a serious accident, technically it should have been compassionate leave at sick pay rates but I try and be fair. Wasn't company policy but the staff member in question had always gone over and above for us and never asked for anything in return.
Sounds like the Drs note for stress is the best option, which will give you a couple of weeks with your Mum but you'll most likely be at your sick-pay rates.
Key point is to be open with your boss - You can say "Look, I'm sorry but I need 2 weeks off to help with my Mum, I'm sorry for the short notice, can I please take it as annual leave or would it need to be down as a sick day?"
You need to be very clear and direct about what your intentions and time scales are.
Good luck , and wishing all the best with the recovery.
As a former manager all I can say is that you should really take some compassionate leave, holiday or sick leave.
You cannot expect the business to simply deal with the loss of potentially their top technical expert for a matter of weeks at extremely short notice, without using at least one of the above and you will obviously suffer reduced pay.
I have in the past granted a week at full pay to a staff member whose parent had a serious accident, technically it should have been compassionate leave at sick pay rates but I try and be fair. Wasn't company policy but the staff member in question had always gone over and above for us and never asked for anything in return.
Sounds like the Drs note for stress is the best option, which will give you a couple of weeks with your Mum but you'll most likely be at your sick-pay rates.
Key point is to be open with your boss - You can say "Look, I'm sorry but I need 2 weeks off to help with my Mum, I'm sorry for the short notice, can I please take it as annual leave or would it need to be down as a sick day?"
You need to be very clear and direct about what your intentions and time scales are.
Good luck , and wishing all the best with the recovery.
I took a couple of months off to look after my Mum, - my boss, his boss, and beyond, were VERY understanding and done everything they could to make things easier.
I konw it sounds corny, but we ARE living in unprecented times. I'm sure you've gone out of your way more than once to help the company out.
Just be totally honest with them.
All the best to you and your Mum. Well done. She's lucky to have you. God bless.
I konw it sounds corny, but we ARE living in unprecented times. I'm sure you've gone out of your way more than once to help the company out.
Just be totally honest with them.
All the best to you and your Mum. Well done. She's lucky to have you. God bless.
Thank you everyone!
Quick update:
I spent a bit in ICU with her yesterday. While she is still on a ventilator and on some sedation for it, they turned it off for a bit while I was there with her and she was able to sweeze my hand and nod and shake her head to some questions (as well as punching me for I'm assuming talking too much). Not out of the woods yet, but her being able to response to questions was a big deal for me, as she had a long amount of heart down time - Frankly the fact she is alive is a miracle but to be responding as well is just amazing .
With work, doctors booked me off for two weeks, my manager seemed to be okay enough with it. He just obviously wants to be kept in the loop.
Gives us another week and a bit to see how things lie, but looking good at the moment.
Quick update:
I spent a bit in ICU with her yesterday. While she is still on a ventilator and on some sedation for it, they turned it off for a bit while I was there with her and she was able to sweeze my hand and nod and shake her head to some questions (as well as punching me for I'm assuming talking too much
). Not out of the woods yet, but her being able to response to questions was a big deal for me, as she had a long amount of heart down time - Frankly the fact she is alive is a miracle but to be responding as well is just amazing .With work, doctors booked me off for two weeks, my manager seemed to be okay enough with it. He just obviously wants to be kept in the loop.
Gives us another week and a bit to see how things lie, but looking good at the moment.
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