How to help an elderly neighbour?
Discussion
As per the title really. She lives next door but one, we've always spoken to say hello
Recently she seems to be declining cognitively. She does have family who visit and do shopping for her
On Friday she knocked on my door to check what day it was, so that she knew whether to put her bin out. We had a chat for 5 minutes and she was in tears, tapping her head and saying it doesn't work properly any more
I'd like to try and help her but don't want to be overpowering or disrespectful. I work from home so told her she could knock on my door any time and come in for a cuppa and a chat
I'm thinking just knock on her door when I'm off to the shop to check if she needs anything. Maybe take her a bowl of casserole when I make one and see if I can let her family know that they can get in touch any time if they need someone nearby to just check on her
Any thoughts?
Recently she seems to be declining cognitively. She does have family who visit and do shopping for her
On Friday she knocked on my door to check what day it was, so that she knew whether to put her bin out. We had a chat for 5 minutes and she was in tears, tapping her head and saying it doesn't work properly any more
I'd like to try and help her but don't want to be overpowering or disrespectful. I work from home so told her she could knock on my door any time and come in for a cuppa and a chat
I'm thinking just knock on her door when I'm off to the shop to check if she needs anything. Maybe take her a bowl of casserole when I make one and see if I can let her family know that they can get in touch any time if they need someone nearby to just check on her
Any thoughts?
Older people who live alone can have an 'alert' thingy that hangs round their neck with an easily pressed button to alert care services if they have a fall or whatever. Maybe ask her if one of those might be a good idea?
P.S. just noticed you've been on PH an identical time to me and only five more posts. Congratulations.
P.S. just noticed you've been on PH an identical time to me and only five more posts. Congratulations.
Edited by Pitre on Tuesday 21st March 09:35
We have an elderly neighbour. She's smart as a button, but we still txt and chat regularly and always ask if she needs anything when we're going out.
It doesn't have to be so in her face that she feels she's being treated like a child, just be friendly. If it happens normally it'll be fine.
Your plan sounds fine, we now share garden fruit back and forwards depending on who has what, and we regularly offer part of what were having to eat. Sometimes she has it and sometimes she doesn't.
It doesn't have to be so in her face that she feels she's being treated like a child, just be friendly. If it happens normally it'll be fine.
Your plan sounds fine, we now share garden fruit back and forwards depending on who has what, and we regularly offer part of what were having to eat. Sometimes she has it and sometimes she doesn't.
Edited by sociopath on Tuesday 21st March 09:38
Do the simple things
We had elderly neighbours, the husband was suffering from cancer so we made sure we put out the wheelie bins for them, took them meals over, had them over if we were cooking a sunday lunch.
When the husband died just before Covid, we made sure she was fine in lockdown, would chat through windows etc, then took the occaisional meal over as she didn't want to come in afterwards. We did take her shopping sometimes. She moved away last year into a retirement flat complex...
We had elderly neighbours, the husband was suffering from cancer so we made sure we put out the wheelie bins for them, took them meals over, had them over if we were cooking a sunday lunch.
When the husband died just before Covid, we made sure she was fine in lockdown, would chat through windows etc, then took the occaisional meal over as she didn't want to come in afterwards. We did take her shopping sometimes. She moved away last year into a retirement flat complex...
This sounds like the early onset of dementia, which hopefully her family are aware of (they should be if they visit frequently enough).
The beginning of my MIL's dementia was just like this - she would come and knock on the door to ask 'silly' questions.
She also took to slapping her head in frustration. The dementia diagnosis followed soon after.
The beginning of my MIL's dementia was just like this - she would come and knock on the door to ask 'silly' questions.
She also took to slapping her head in frustration. The dementia diagnosis followed soon after.
I think I'd try to speak to family, they may be unaware of how the condition is progressing.
Keep friendly, pop round, it can be distressing and confusing for both of you. I've had some very surreal conversations.
If it comes to it don't contradict or correct, just play along and support.
At some stage, professionals will need to be involved.
Keep friendly, pop round, it can be distressing and confusing for both of you. I've had some very surreal conversations.
If it comes to it don't contradict or correct, just play along and support.
At some stage, professionals will need to be involved.
Edited by PositronicRay on Tuesday 21st March 10:16
Definitely speak to their family if you can and help with what you can where reasonable.
We had an elderly neighbour who lived on her own but her 'man friend' lived round the corner. She was very sweet and always great to talk to. Her friend had a stroke and his family put him straight into a home and she never got to see him. She must have had the onset of dementia which then escalated when she was away from him as she was really confused by it all.
She used to go round knocking on doors asking where he was or where her house was. All of the neighbours kept an eye out for her and would take her back home and settle her in the house. I had her son's mobile number and used to let him know.
We had an elderly neighbour who lived on her own but her 'man friend' lived round the corner. She was very sweet and always great to talk to. Her friend had a stroke and his family put him straight into a home and she never got to see him. She must have had the onset of dementia which then escalated when she was away from him as she was really confused by it all.
She used to go round knocking on doors asking where he was or where her house was. All of the neighbours kept an eye out for her and would take her back home and settle her in the house. I had her son's mobile number and used to let him know.
It’s heartening to read the OP and others have the decency to care about other folk who are no longer as ‘agile in the mind’. Well done to you all.
My wife was diagnosed with dementia last year, early stage but notice this dreadful illness creeping
and taking over my wife’s faculties. I do hope that some sort of cure may be found soon in the future.
My wife was diagnosed with dementia last year, early stage but notice this dreadful illness creeping
and taking over my wife’s faculties. I do hope that some sort of cure may be found soon in the future.
Nice work OP.
We have been helping elderly neighbours. He is in hospital after major surgery and we have taken his wife to visit (100 mile round trip) twice a week.
With the regard to not knowing the day, there is a special Alzheimer's digital clock which has the day of the week and the time.
Also a knock on her door the night before bin day would probably be appreciated. We also help our neighbours with putting out and replacing their bins.
One of our other neighbours likes liver and his wife doesn't. The packs in the supermarket are always enough for three, so our neighbour gets a liver dinner occasionally.
We have been helping elderly neighbours. He is in hospital after major surgery and we have taken his wife to visit (100 mile round trip) twice a week.
With the regard to not knowing the day, there is a special Alzheimer's digital clock which has the day of the week and the time.
Also a knock on her door the night before bin day would probably be appreciated. We also help our neighbours with putting out and replacing their bins.
One of our other neighbours likes liver and his wife doesn't. The packs in the supermarket are always enough for three, so our neighbour gets a liver dinner occasionally.
Slow.Patrol said:
<snip>
With the regard to not knowing the day, there is a special Alzheimer's digital clock which has the day of the week and the time.
<snip>
We got one of these for my MIL, but it was of no use to her, simply because even though the day / time & date was clear to see, she wasn't unable to understand it.With the regard to not knowing the day, there is a special Alzheimer's digital clock which has the day of the week and the time.
<snip>
And this was quite early on in her diagnosis - so I really can't recommend these clocks at all.
We lived a few doors down from an elderly couple, gent passed away and she was left alone and quite vulnerable.
She had live in carers and they were all s
t, home help occasionally, son didn’t give st , so we took over.
I lost count of the amount of times I went in to help as she had fallen etc etc, got various bits of shopping etc.
Eventually she said she was going into a home so bought the house at a considerable discount even though we tried to pay proper sale price for it.
She had live in carers and they were all s
t, home help occasionally, son didn’t give st , so we took over.I lost count of the amount of times I went in to help as she had fallen etc etc, got various bits of shopping etc.
Eventually she said she was going into a home so bought the house at a considerable discount even though we tried to pay proper sale price for it.
popeyewhite said:
Contact her family, if not them social services. If no joy there for a while and you think she might hurt herself contact the police... they won't do much but their connection to other agencies might result in quicker intervention from SS.
That escalated quickly!!OP says that her family visit and do the shopping so she is being monitored and looked after.
As has been suggested, speak to the family next time they visit her.
Maybe ask if there is anything you can do, maybe get their number so you can contact them for whatever reason.
She knows you are there which is more than a lot of elderly people have.
Grumps. said:
We lived a few doors down from an elderly couple, gent passed away and she was left alone and quite vulnerable.
She had live in carers and they were all st, home help occasionally, son didn’t give st , so we took over.
I lost count of the amount of times I went in to help as she had fallen etc etc, got various bits of shopping etc.
Eventually she said she was going into a home so bought the house at a considerable discount even though we tried to pay proper sale price for it.
My mother once worked as a home help. I'll never criticise home helps. I'll criticise the system that doesn't allow them enough time to do a proper job of care. I could tell you stories of some of the houses she went into.She had live in carers and they were all s
t, home help occasionally, son didn’t give st , so we took over.I lost count of the amount of times I went in to help as she had fallen etc etc, got various bits of shopping etc.
Eventually she said she was going into a home so bought the house at a considerable discount even though we tried to pay proper sale price for it.
I look after an elderly relative, I think it's a reality of life that more and more of us are going to find that a part of life. Partly because home helps are not going to be funded by I'm alright jack types.
TonyRPH said:
Slow.Patrol said:
<snip>
With the regard to not knowing the day, there is a special Alzheimer's digital clock which has the day of the week and the time.
<snip>
We got one of these for my MIL, but it was of no use to her, simply because even though the day / time & date was clear to see, she wasn't unable to understand it.With the regard to not knowing the day, there is a special Alzheimer's digital clock which has the day of the week and the time.
<snip>
And this was quite early on in her diagnosis - so I really can't recommend these clocks at all.
I have an elderly neighbour, she fine but a little bit short of cash since being widowed a couple of years ago. I look after her old laptop and take her round some dinner every now and then. I just make excuses like "oh I cooked too much" or "one of my mates didn't turn up for dinner".
Through talking to her it turns out she is good at things like making jam and cakes, so I have a go at that and took her round some, she reviews it and texts me what she likes about it and what I can do next time.
My next thing is to see if I can get her on my wifi so she can cancel hers.
Through talking to her it turns out she is good at things like making jam and cakes, so I have a go at that and took her round some, she reviews it and texts me what she likes about it and what I can do next time.
My next thing is to see if I can get her on my wifi so she can cancel hers.
Sounds similar to my neighbour, shes in her 90s & probably early onset, some days sharp shes as a tack others you can have the same conversation 3 times without her stopping for breath or realising. One of the longer residing neighbours put her bins out every week so she doesn't have to remember the day, an ex neighbour is chief in charge of all dr & hospital appointments, if she sees me working in my workshop (garage) or weeding the front beds then she will pop over for a chat & she knows she can knock on anyones door if she has any questions or needs any help with anything like when her heating decided to come on during the summer last year or when a family member bought her a fitness tracker 
Her family all have our contact numbers & there is a key safe in case anyone needs to use it. Her daughter has POA, sorts the bills & has organised a cleaner & gardener, & does a regular online shop. She has put signs up all round the house to remind her not to give any bank details out to anyone/press anything/etc. I'm opposite so keep an eye that the curtains are closing/opening & lights going on & off as would be expected & if there are any door to doors going around I can intercept/deflect/intervene if needed but generally just to know shes still shuffling about without needing to interact.
I flagged up and got a leaking overflow fixed last year which the neighbour who puts the bins out & resident had walked through several times. The previous owners of my place helped her husband up and back into bed after a fall towards the end of his life. She does various crafts so I give her a big bag of my wadding offcuts for stuffing periodically to save her buying it and me binning it
She had cataract surgery the other year (both eyes within about 6 months of each other) which were each followed by a number of us doing all the drops & follow ups on a rota.
Definitely connect with the family & swap numbers, check shes keeping a normal routine if you are in eyeline or regularly pass by, & be sure she knows you & others are there if she needs anything.
Chainsaw while seeing if your wifi can extend to your neighbours is very kind, if they rely on/regularly use their landline it may not be any saving to have a phoneline only package, just a thought to be aware of
Her family all have our contact numbers & there is a key safe in case anyone needs to use it. Her daughter has POA, sorts the bills & has organised a cleaner & gardener, & does a regular online shop. She has put signs up all round the house to remind her not to give any bank details out to anyone/press anything/etc. I'm opposite so keep an eye that the curtains are closing/opening & lights going on & off as would be expected & if there are any door to doors going around I can intercept/deflect/intervene if needed but generally just to know shes still shuffling about without needing to interact.
I flagged up and got a leaking overflow fixed last year which the neighbour who puts the bins out & resident had walked through several times. The previous owners of my place helped her husband up and back into bed after a fall towards the end of his life. She does various crafts so I give her a big bag of my wadding offcuts for stuffing periodically to save her buying it and me binning it
She had cataract surgery the other year (both eyes within about 6 months of each other) which were each followed by a number of us doing all the drops & follow ups on a rota.
Definitely connect with the family & swap numbers, check shes keeping a normal routine if you are in eyeline or regularly pass by, & be sure she knows you & others are there if she needs anything.
Chainsaw while seeing if your wifi can extend to your neighbours is very kind, if they rely on/regularly use their landline it may not be any saving to have a phoneline only package, just a thought to be aware of
GreatGranny said:
That escalated quickly!!
OP says that her family visit and do the shopping so she is being monitored and looked after.
Do they know she's knocking on neighbour's doors in a distressed state? Is it possible she might wander further next time and hurt herself? Yes, these things can escalate quickly and if there's a chance she could injure herself people need to know, don't you think? OP says that her family visit and do the shopping so she is being monitored and looked after.
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