Domestic financials
Discussion
toddler said:
Sleeplessnights said:
That is a pretty mixed lot:
So here is what is happening.
My wife stays home, we have no kids. She gave up work after an op in 2007 and although she helps out with admin ( I am self employed) when we are busy she generally keeps the house and cooks. We have a joint current and a joint savings account. She also has her own current and savings accounts. I don't have any accounts of my own. She had savings when we met which we used when we bought the house.
About 7 years ago a friend of hers was left high and dry financially when hubby walked out, which made my OH very anxious ( she has anxiety issues generally), As a result I started transferring £500 a month into her account from the joint account along with an annual lump sum of between zero and £5k depending upon how the business is going, which she uses for buying her clothes, haircuts, make up etc and saves. Over the years she has saved something like £30k but won't say exactly how much. She obviously still has access to the joint account but religiously only uses it for food shopping and presents. I pay everything else from the joint accounts ( mortgage, bills, cars, holidays, presents, entertainment, meals out, drinks, home improvements etc).
All came to a head at Christmas as for my present she paid part of the cost of a sailing course I wanted to go on (£100). I took the rest from the joint account (£250) as my only source of money. This week there is an artisan cooking weekend (£375) she wants to go on, and I suggested she took it from her current account or savings. Major argument.
From her perspective she feels I overly control the joint accounts and she feels she has to ask for permission to spend from the current account as her (non outside working) friends seem to use their joint and even husband's current accounts for any luxuries as and when they want. All her previous resentments came flooding out; the kitchen work surfaces I wouldn't replace, the dog she feels I wouldn't let her have, the nice watch she wanted etc. etc.
I am now feeling like I may have been unreasonable but dont know what arrangements to put in place to avoid her feeling controlled, but equally every month she spends from the current account while sitting on £30k, is a month I will have to work until I can retire. After 41 years at work, that day cannot come soon enough. I had thought the £500 arrangememnt was working but it was obviously breeding resentment on her part.
What might work?
Merge your current accounts. Merge your saving accounts. Discuss all spending. Total transparency. Let the divorce lawyers split it all up if it comes to that.So here is what is happening.
My wife stays home, we have no kids. She gave up work after an op in 2007 and although she helps out with admin ( I am self employed) when we are busy she generally keeps the house and cooks. We have a joint current and a joint savings account. She also has her own current and savings accounts. I don't have any accounts of my own. She had savings when we met which we used when we bought the house.
About 7 years ago a friend of hers was left high and dry financially when hubby walked out, which made my OH very anxious ( she has anxiety issues generally), As a result I started transferring £500 a month into her account from the joint account along with an annual lump sum of between zero and £5k depending upon how the business is going, which she uses for buying her clothes, haircuts, make up etc and saves. Over the years she has saved something like £30k but won't say exactly how much. She obviously still has access to the joint account but religiously only uses it for food shopping and presents. I pay everything else from the joint accounts ( mortgage, bills, cars, holidays, presents, entertainment, meals out, drinks, home improvements etc).
All came to a head at Christmas as for my present she paid part of the cost of a sailing course I wanted to go on (£100). I took the rest from the joint account (£250) as my only source of money. This week there is an artisan cooking weekend (£375) she wants to go on, and I suggested she took it from her current account or savings. Major argument.
From her perspective she feels I overly control the joint accounts and she feels she has to ask for permission to spend from the current account as her (non outside working) friends seem to use their joint and even husband's current accounts for any luxuries as and when they want. All her previous resentments came flooding out; the kitchen work surfaces I wouldn't replace, the dog she feels I wouldn't let her have, the nice watch she wanted etc. etc.
I am now feeling like I may have been unreasonable but dont know what arrangements to put in place to avoid her feeling controlled, but equally every month she spends from the current account while sitting on £30k, is a month I will have to work until I can retire. After 41 years at work, that day cannot come soon enough. I had thought the £500 arrangememnt was working but it was obviously breeding resentment on her part.
What might work?
OP - whilst you have a disparity in earrings, at the end of the day a marriage is a long term partnership. And this means you have to pool your resources. Otherwise you get the kind of issues you have highlighted.
In my personal situation, all of our earrings go into a joint account. If either my wife or I want to make a larger purchase, we discuss it together and we decide if it makes sense.
Doing it this way means we don't argue about money as we have already discussed and agreed our priorities.
Edited by EddieSteadyGo on Tuesday 8th May 09:59
We each put an amount into a joint bills account which covers mortgage, car, insurances, cable tv and a host of other monthly commitments. We then have our own money in our own accounts - we do our best to split other outgoings, but its generally on an adhoc basis (you bought the shopping so I'll buy dinner out).
We both earn about the same which helps.
We both earn about the same which helps.
Sleeplessnights said:
All her previous resentments came flooding out; the kitchen work surfaces I wouldn't replace, the dog she feels I wouldn't let her have, the nice watch she wanted etc. etc....What might work?
How long ago were these things? If not in the past 6 months to a year, then the answer is probably "absolutely nothing".Except perhaps therapy.
toddler said:
Been together 30 years, married for 21 years. We have a joint current account that her wages and mine are paid into; all the bills, food, mortgage etc. come out of this account. Anything left at the end of the month gets transferred to a joint savings account. We don't have any loans, credit cards, store cards etc. Totally transparent and works well with few disagreements.
In the main it is the same here and has worked well for 27 years of wedded bliss 😀.The only difference is that any quarterly bonus I earn goes into a separate account just for me - known as the "Cars Account" which funds any old bangers I may have.
Sleeplessnights said:
All her previous resentments came flooding out; the kitchen work surfaces I wouldn't replace, the dog she feels I wouldn't let her have, the nice watch she wanted etc. etc.
It may be that the issue doesn't relate to money after all. Let's assume my wife thought we should buy new worktops, a dog and a watch as per your example. In my situation all of our money goes into a joint account as I mentioned earlier. So in theory my wife would have the money to go and do all of those things if she wanted to.
But she wouldn't just do it - and neither would I - as it would have an effect on the other person. But we would each try and accommodate each others view as much as possible as we know not every purchase is logical or rationale.
So in the example maybe we might change the worktops, even if I thought it was unnecessary, if she said it was *really* important to her. But in real life, it is more often than not me asking her if to agree to some ridiculous idea that I've decided is *really* important
Sleeplessnights said:
That is a pretty mixed lot:
So here is what is happening.
My wife stays home, we have no kids. She gave up work after an op in 2007 and although she helps out with admin ( I am self employed) when we are busy she generally keeps the house and cooks. We have a joint current and a joint savings account. She also has her own current and savings accounts. I don't have any accounts of my own. She had savings when we met which we used when we bought the house.
About 7 years ago a friend of hers was left high and dry financially when hubby walked out, which made my OH very anxious ( she has anxiety issues generally), As a result I started transferring £500 a month into her account from the joint account along with an annual lump sum of between zero and £5k depending upon how the business is going, which she uses for buying her clothes, haircuts, make up etc and saves. Over the years she has saved something like £30k but won't say exactly how much. She obviously still has access to the joint account but religiously only uses it for food shopping and presents. I pay everything else from the joint accounts ( mortgage, bills, cars, holidays, presents, entertainment, meals out, drinks, home improvements etc).
All came to a head at Christmas as for my present she paid part of the cost of a sailing course I wanted to go on (£100). I took the rest from the joint account (£250) as my only source of money. This week there is an artisan cooking weekend (£375) she wants to go on, and I suggested she took it from her current account or savings. Major argument.
From her perspective she feels I overly control the joint accounts and she feels she has to ask for permission to spend from the current account as her (non outside working) friends seem to use their joint and even husband's current accounts for any luxuries as and when they want. All her previous resentments came flooding out; the kitchen work surfaces I wouldn't replace, the dog she feels I wouldn't let her have, the nice watch she wanted etc. etc.
I am now feeling like I may have been unreasonable but dont know what arrangements to put in place to avoid her feeling controlled, but equally every month she spends from the current account while sitting on £30k, is a month I will have to work until I can retire. After 41 years at work, that day cannot come soon enough. I had thought the £500 arrangememnt was working but it was obviously breeding resentment on her part.
What might work?
Her getting a p/t job. So here is what is happening.
My wife stays home, we have no kids. She gave up work after an op in 2007 and although she helps out with admin ( I am self employed) when we are busy she generally keeps the house and cooks. We have a joint current and a joint savings account. She also has her own current and savings accounts. I don't have any accounts of my own. She had savings when we met which we used when we bought the house.
About 7 years ago a friend of hers was left high and dry financially when hubby walked out, which made my OH very anxious ( she has anxiety issues generally), As a result I started transferring £500 a month into her account from the joint account along with an annual lump sum of between zero and £5k depending upon how the business is going, which she uses for buying her clothes, haircuts, make up etc and saves. Over the years she has saved something like £30k but won't say exactly how much. She obviously still has access to the joint account but religiously only uses it for food shopping and presents. I pay everything else from the joint accounts ( mortgage, bills, cars, holidays, presents, entertainment, meals out, drinks, home improvements etc).
All came to a head at Christmas as for my present she paid part of the cost of a sailing course I wanted to go on (£100). I took the rest from the joint account (£250) as my only source of money. This week there is an artisan cooking weekend (£375) she wants to go on, and I suggested she took it from her current account or savings. Major argument.
From her perspective she feels I overly control the joint accounts and she feels she has to ask for permission to spend from the current account as her (non outside working) friends seem to use their joint and even husband's current accounts for any luxuries as and when they want. All her previous resentments came flooding out; the kitchen work surfaces I wouldn't replace, the dog she feels I wouldn't let her have, the nice watch she wanted etc. etc.
I am now feeling like I may have been unreasonable but dont know what arrangements to put in place to avoid her feeling controlled, but equally every month she spends from the current account while sitting on £30k, is a month I will have to work until I can retire. After 41 years at work, that day cannot come soon enough. I had thought the £500 arrangememnt was working but it was obviously breeding resentment on her part.
What might work?
Sleeplessnights said:
Whole load of stuff........
What might work?
Right well I had almost an identical conversation with my wife..... What might work?
... I asked her how much she would want a week to feel she had some control, she said she didn't know. So I pulled a figure out of the air that was very high, she said that it was too high & she wouldn't want that.
I said "Ok lets make it 100 quid a week less & it would be really great if with the money you don't need, you can save & spend it on us"....
....she now gets enough per week to service a small African nations national debt... & the subject has not come up again. It's way way too much but some times domestic peace is priceless.
StuTheGrouch said:
We work out what are combined income is and what the combined outgoings are (due to childcare costs this isn't the same each month). We then divide what's left into two, and that is what each of us has as living money (food, petrol, beer, going out, other s
t). This is fair, in my eyes, as my wife dropped down to part-time to look after our children; doing a 50:50 split on bills would leave her skint.
I started a thread some time ago to see what the norm is these days as one of my daughters and her husband do 50/50 and it does leave her almost skint since she went part-time after having kids. He has significant surplus income, which he regards as his.t). This is fair, in my eyes, as my wife dropped down to part-time to look after our children; doing a 50:50 split on bills would leave her skint. Sheepshanks said:
StuTheGrouch said:
We work out what are combined income is and what the combined outgoings are (due to childcare costs this isn't the same each month). We then divide what's left into two, and that is what each of us has as living money (food, petrol, beer, going out, other st). This is fair, in my eyes, as my wife dropped down to part-time to look after our children; doing a 50:50 split on bills would leave her skint.
I started a thread some time ago to see what the norm is these days as one of my daughters and her husband do 50/50 and it does leave her almost skint since she went part-time after having kids. He has significant surplus income, which he regards as his.t). This is fair, in my eyes, as my wife dropped down to part-time to look after our children; doing a 50:50 split on bills would leave her skint. Sheepshanks said:
I started a thread some time ago to see what the norm is these days as one of my daughters and her husband do 50/50 and it does leave her almost skint since she went part-time after having kids. He has significant surplus income, which he regards as his.
I'm sorry as this is your son in law, but that makes him a selfish git based on that info.Sheepshanks said:
I started a thread some time ago to see what the norm is these days as one of my daughters and her husband do 50/50 and it does leave her almost skint since she went part-time after having kids. He has significant surplus income, which he regards as his.
I just don't understand why a married couple would not have a joint account that everything goes in to and out of, but then I'm a grumpy old git 
Maybe it's a young person thing.toddler said:
Sheepshanks said:
I started a thread some time ago to see what the norm is these days as one of my daughters and her husband do 50/50 and it does leave her almost skint since she went part-time after having kids. He has significant surplus income, which he regards as his.
I just don't understand why a married couple would not have a joint account that everything goes in to and out of, but then I'm a grumpy old git Maybe it's a young person thing.My husband earns about twice as much as I do, so mortgage and household bills are split 2:1. No joint account as we've never seen the point, so I send my 1/3 to his bank every month.
Large purchases, holidays etc are discussed beforehand, and paid by whoever has the spare money at the time. Meals out etc is just on an ad hoc basis.
Everything else we earn is our own to spend how we see fit. We both have some savings, but I don't think either of us could say how much the other has. That's not down to secrecy, rather just neither of us bothering to ask, or not remembering when we have asked.
Large purchases, holidays etc are discussed beforehand, and paid by whoever has the spare money at the time. Meals out etc is just on an ad hoc basis.
Everything else we earn is our own to spend how we see fit. We both have some savings, but I don't think either of us could say how much the other has. That's not down to secrecy, rather just neither of us bothering to ask, or not remembering when we have asked.
toddler said:
I just don't understand why a married couple would not have a joint account that everything goes in to and out of, but then I'm a grumpy old git Maybe it's a young person thing.
Likewise it’s theobvious thing to do. Maybe it's a young person thing.The problem seems to be when Wife doesn’t work and how much of an allowance the husband gives her and gets to keep for himself which can only cause problems.
Far better for her to work and earn her own money to spend as she sees fit.
No kids and my wife works, but her takehome is about 50% of mine. I already had the house when she moved in, I pay the mortgage and most of the bills, but we moved a couple of direct debit bills in to her name as some accounts needs them for the decent interest rates. She pays for pretty much all the food (and does most of the cooking).
Holidays we tend to split, as she's usually organised it which means she pays deposits or upfront costs and I pay the rest. Bigger stuff depends if she's got the cash, so she's paying for her eyes to be lasered next month, but I paid for her car when we replaced it.
This means I have significantly more in savings than she has, but that's our next house fund so we'll both benefit.
It works for us.
Starting a new job abroad in a few months and plan to open a joint account to begin with but once she's found a job as well we'll probably have individual accounts and use the joint one for house/bills/etc.
Holidays we tend to split, as she's usually organised it which means she pays deposits or upfront costs and I pay the rest. Bigger stuff depends if she's got the cash, so she's paying for her eyes to be lasered next month, but I paid for her car when we replaced it.
This means I have significantly more in savings than she has, but that's our next house fund so we'll both benefit.
It works for us.
Starting a new job abroad in a few months and plan to open a joint account to begin with but once she's found a job as well we'll probably have individual accounts and use the joint one for house/bills/etc.
BoRED S2upid said:
toddler said:
I just don't understand why a married couple would not have a joint account that everything goes in to and out of, but then I'm a grumpy old git Maybe it's a young person thing.
Likewise it’s theobvious thing to do. Maybe it's a young person thing.The problem seems to be when Wife doesn’t work and how much of an allowance the husband gives her and gets to keep for himself which can only cause problems.
Far better for her to work and earn her own money to spend as she sees fit.
BoRED S2upid said:
toddler said:
I just don't understand why a married couple would not have a joint account that everything goes in to and out of, but then I'm a grumpy old git Maybe it's a young person thing.
Likewise it’s theobvious thing to do. Maybe it's a young person thing.The problem seems to be when Wife doesn’t work and how much of an allowance the husband gives her and gets to keep for himself which can only cause problems.
Far better for her to work and earn her own money to spend as she sees fit.
Similar sallaries, own current and savings accounts, then a joint account that all living expenses are paid out of. Any big purchases are split 50/50 paid by our current/savings accounts.
The idea that no matter how much tat I buy, or how many pairs of shoes she buys... the house is always paid for!
The idea that no matter how much tat I buy, or how many pairs of shoes she buys... the house is always paid for!
Wife is a full time mum. She does not have much potential to earn and likes to be at home
Our monthly outgoings go from our joint account into which goes my salary each month. Our costs are not covered by my monthly salary. I used to be a business owner and we used to spend a lot more than we do now. I have a cash pile in the business account which is drawn down to supplement my income and used for big ticket items like holidays and car insurance.
Wife spends on frivolous things which I disagree with. But as mentioned above, domestic harmony is worth this cost.
Overall, I'm happy and wife tells me she is as well so it's all good
Our monthly outgoings go from our joint account into which goes my salary each month. Our costs are not covered by my monthly salary. I used to be a business owner and we used to spend a lot more than we do now. I have a cash pile in the business account which is drawn down to supplement my income and used for big ticket items like holidays and car insurance.
Wife spends on frivolous things which I disagree with. But as mentioned above, domestic harmony is worth this cost.
Overall, I'm happy and wife tells me she is as well so it's all good
Sleeplessnights said:
From her perspective she feels I overly control the joint accounts and she feels she has to ask for permission to spend from the current account as her (non outside working) friends seem to use their joint and even husband's current accounts for any luxuries as and when they want. All her previous resentments came flooding out; the kitchen work surfaces I wouldn't replace, the dog she feels I wouldn't let her have, the nice watch she wanted etc. etc.
Address the control aspect.There are clearly spending limits so these should apply equally regardless of who earns. Both should agree major expenditures on either side.
Keeping an account partially hidden is a bad sign. Hopefully once the above is addressed she will feel confident enough to return it to the joint pot.
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