Partner's Ex won't pay Maintenance - Are We Powerless?
Discussion
Not wanting to sound all Netmums but...
My partner has always had a problem getting her ex to pay maintenance for his two girls. He is a chartered surveyor but had problems holding down a job where he had to work for other people. When he got another job working in a different career he gave that up too. He did pay some maintenance at the time but the ex had to take him to court to get it and then he was only ordered to pay £50 pm in arrears. It's hit & miss whether she gets that.
In the last couple of years it looks like he has decided that working legitably is not for him and has turned his hand to fitting kitchens/bathrooms etc and doing handy man jobs for cash in hand. He seems to be good at it and earning good money (I guess), working full-time at it.
He owns 2-3 road race bikes which I know are in excess of £1k to buy or more, then there are the competition fees he has to pay for triathlons he competes in.
His current wife has separated from him, he now has to live elsewhere, but returns to their family home when the daughter visits. The other daughter has chosen to live with the stepmom.
The daughter returned Sunday from time with him saying he'd paid for this & that, bought dinner for them and swanky places etc. My partner & I exchanged glances and commented it's be nice if he paid some of her arrears.
When my partner and I moved in together in August, I changed my own custody arrangements with my boys and started paying maintenance to my ex for them (I had them 50/50 at the time so didn't have to).
Now I'm living with my partner it has dawned on me I am paying for the upkeep of his daughter as well albeit in sharing the bills equally with my partner.
I am tempted to confront him next time he drops off the girl back to my address but ultimately, what can we do? I can try to guilt-trip him about his duty and leaving another man to help raise his daughter but he is an arrogant prick, I doubt it will have an effect.
Threaten him with HMRC?
My partner has always had a problem getting her ex to pay maintenance for his two girls. He is a chartered surveyor but had problems holding down a job where he had to work for other people. When he got another job working in a different career he gave that up too. He did pay some maintenance at the time but the ex had to take him to court to get it and then he was only ordered to pay £50 pm in arrears. It's hit & miss whether she gets that.
In the last couple of years it looks like he has decided that working legitably is not for him and has turned his hand to fitting kitchens/bathrooms etc and doing handy man jobs for cash in hand. He seems to be good at it and earning good money (I guess), working full-time at it.
He owns 2-3 road race bikes which I know are in excess of £1k to buy or more, then there are the competition fees he has to pay for triathlons he competes in.
His current wife has separated from him, he now has to live elsewhere, but returns to their family home when the daughter visits. The other daughter has chosen to live with the stepmom.
The daughter returned Sunday from time with him saying he'd paid for this & that, bought dinner for them and swanky places etc. My partner & I exchanged glances and commented it's be nice if he paid some of her arrears.
When my partner and I moved in together in August, I changed my own custody arrangements with my boys and started paying maintenance to my ex for them (I had them 50/50 at the time so didn't have to).
Now I'm living with my partner it has dawned on me I am paying for the upkeep of his daughter as well albeit in sharing the bills equally with my partner.
I am tempted to confront him next time he drops off the girl back to my address but ultimately, what can we do? I can try to guilt-trip him about his duty and leaving another man to help raise his daughter but he is an arrogant prick, I doubt it will have an effect.
Threaten him with HMRC?
Edited by Fastchas on Tuesday 23 October 15:46
The reality is if the bloke doesn't care enough to contribute to his own daughters upbringing now then nothing you say or do is going to make a difference.. you could shop him to HRMC but you will end up the bad guy.
Fathers like that make me sick, personally though id just suck it up and be the better man.
Hopefully then Karma will come back and bite him in the arse.
Probably doesn't help you at all... sorry
Fathers like that make me sick, personally though id just suck it up and be the better man.
Hopefully then Karma will come back and bite him in the arse.
Probably doesn't help you at all... sorry
Do you need it or want it? If you need it, then chase. If you want it, but it means keeping a stronger tie with a bloke who's either got some issues, or is just a dick, I would probably learn to do without and consider it a cheap way to avoid the hassle. If he's disinterested enough to neglect his child, I'd be grateful to be rid, but I wouldn't get into (legit, e.g. HMRC) threats. You've got to live with his offspring, who could come home with an earful of half-truths and make home-life a misery. Speculative, but hey ho, this is Mums-heads.
Good luck, whatever.
Good luck, whatever.
Is the CSA toothless? Can they seize assets?
It infuriates me that he is keeping up his hobbies when not paying for his daughters. In my eyes, you pay your dues first then spend the remainer but I know that's wasted on some folk.
TBH, I wouldn't be happy unless I saw him boiling in oil.
It infuriates me that he is keeping up his hobbies when not paying for his daughters. In my eyes, you pay your dues first then spend the remainer but I know that's wasted on some folk.
TBH, I wouldn't be happy unless I saw him boiling in oil.
Smitters said:
Do you need it or want it? If you need it, then chase. If you want it, but it means keeping a stronger tie with a bloke who's either got some issues, or is just a dick, I would probably learn to do without and consider it a cheap way to avoid the hassle. If he's disinterested enough to neglect his child, I'd be grateful to be rid, but I wouldn't get into (legit, e.g. HMRC) threats. You've got to live with his offspring, who could come home with an earful of half-truths and make home-life a misery. Speculative, but hey ho, this is Mums-heads.
Good luck, whatever.
We don't NEED it, but then he doesn't NEED to pay for luxury items before his kids. My ex doesn't NEED my contibutions either but I pay them regardless.Good luck, whatever.
I think an anon call to HMRC may be in the pipeline in the future anyway.
Fastchas said:
Is the CSA toothless? Can they seize assets?
It infuriates me that he is keeping up his hobbies when not paying for his daughters. In my eyes, you pay your dues first then spend the remainer but I know that's wasted on some folk.
TBH, I wouldn't be happy unless I saw him boiling in oil.
I'm with you, I pay over the odds for my son and I pay for my step daughters too.It infuriates me that he is keeping up his hobbies when not paying for his daughters. In my eyes, you pay your dues first then spend the remainer but I know that's wasted on some folk.
TBH, I wouldn't be happy unless I saw him boiling in oil.
In my experience the CMA is toothless, especially if he is self employed (i'm assuming he is).
Christmassss said:
Fastchas said:
Is the CSA toothless? Can they seize assets?
It infuriates me that he is keeping up his hobbies when not paying for his daughters. In my eyes, you pay your dues first then spend the remainer but I know that's wasted on some folk.
TBH, I wouldn't be happy unless I saw him boiling in oil.
I'm with you, I pay over the odds for my son and I pay for my step daughters too.It infuriates me that he is keeping up his hobbies when not paying for his daughters. In my eyes, you pay your dues first then spend the remainer but I know that's wasted on some folk.
TBH, I wouldn't be happy unless I saw him boiling in oil.
In my experience the CMA is toothless, especially if he is self employed (i'm assuming he is).
I don't think he's doing that, it's purely cash in hand.
Fastchas said:
Doesn't this mean paying your stamp?
I don't think he's doing that, it's purely cash in hand.
Oh, in that case CMA really are toothless - He'll just claim he is earning nothing.I don't think he's doing that, it's purely cash in hand.
I don't see the harm in calling HMRC but i wouldn't pin any hopes on anything actually happening.
Just take pride in the fact you are the bigger and better man
The CMS can make an attachment on declared earnings but it's quite a drawn out and laggy process. If you can be bothered to chase them to chase him then crack on and give them as much hard evidence as possible.
Just be aware that there are many single parent families on the breadline who will rightly take priority.
Just be aware that there are many single parent families on the breadline who will rightly take priority.
I know exactly where you're coming from but I think best to just bite your lip
I have a 16yo daughter who I pay maintenance for. Lives with her workshy mother and see her every weekend (actually just changed a bit as she has started college now)
My wife has a 14yo son. She and his Dad split when he was 18 months and he remarried and had another 5 boys! He's since split with wife number 2. He pays jack all for any of them. Think we've had about £50 in the last 2.5 years. Self employed so no point trying CSA as he'll just make it all disappear
More importantly to us - he's flaky when it comes to being there for his boy. Doesn't reply to calls/texts and won't hear from him for weeks at a time
I notice you mention making comments in front of his daughter RE paying for stuff. My advice is DON'T. He's the Dad and they will stick up for him. Be the bigger man, discuss frustrations with your OH in private when the kids are out of earshot
Imagine being 8 years old and you Mum meets a new bloke. Eventually he moves in and his daughter is there every weekend, and he speaks to her twice a week in the evenings. You don't hear from your own Dad for 3 weeks. That must mess with a kids head.
Given time, the kids will work him out and your relationship will be stronger because of it
I have a 16yo daughter who I pay maintenance for. Lives with her workshy mother and see her every weekend (actually just changed a bit as she has started college now)
My wife has a 14yo son. She and his Dad split when he was 18 months and he remarried and had another 5 boys! He's since split with wife number 2. He pays jack all for any of them. Think we've had about £50 in the last 2.5 years. Self employed so no point trying CSA as he'll just make it all disappear
More importantly to us - he's flaky when it comes to being there for his boy. Doesn't reply to calls/texts and won't hear from him for weeks at a time
I notice you mention making comments in front of his daughter RE paying for stuff. My advice is DON'T. He's the Dad and they will stick up for him. Be the bigger man, discuss frustrations with your OH in private when the kids are out of earshot
Imagine being 8 years old and you Mum meets a new bloke. Eventually he moves in and his daughter is there every weekend, and he speaks to her twice a week in the evenings. You don't hear from your own Dad for 3 weeks. That must mess with a kids head.
Given time, the kids will work him out and your relationship will be stronger because of it
Fastchas said:
When my partner and I moved in together in August
When you say moved in together - do you mean you moved in with his ex in what was previously their marital home??If so, maybe he thinks that if you're living in his house and shagging his wife then you can just cover the costs too and he'll be fkd if he's putting any money towards you both?
I'm not saying he's right. But that is how some people think......
Pieman68 said:
I know exactly where you're coming from but I think best to just bite your lip
I have a 16yo daughter who I pay maintenance for. Lives with her workshy mother and see her every weekend (actually just changed a bit as she has started college now)
My wife has a 14yo son. She and his Dad split when he was 18 months and he remarried and had another 5 boys! He's since split with wife number 2. He pays jack all for any of them. Think we've had about £50 in the last 2.5 years. Self employed so no point trying CSA as he'll just make it all disappear
More importantly to us - he's flaky when it comes to being there for his boy. Doesn't reply to calls/texts and won't hear from him for weeks at a time
I notice you mention making comments in front of his daughter RE paying for stuff. My advice is DON'T. He's the Dad and they will stick up for him. Be the bigger man, discuss frustrations with your OH in private when the kids are out of earshot
Imagine being 8 years old and you Mum meets a new bloke. Eventually he moves in and his daughter is there every weekend, and he speaks to her twice a week in the evenings. You don't hear from your own Dad for 3 weeks. That must mess with a kids head.
Given time, the kids will work him out and your relationship will be stronger because of it
This 100% - not the way it should work but unfortunately the way it does.I have a 16yo daughter who I pay maintenance for. Lives with her workshy mother and see her every weekend (actually just changed a bit as she has started college now)
My wife has a 14yo son. She and his Dad split when he was 18 months and he remarried and had another 5 boys! He's since split with wife number 2. He pays jack all for any of them. Think we've had about £50 in the last 2.5 years. Self employed so no point trying CSA as he'll just make it all disappear
More importantly to us - he's flaky when it comes to being there for his boy. Doesn't reply to calls/texts and won't hear from him for weeks at a time
I notice you mention making comments in front of his daughter RE paying for stuff. My advice is DON'T. He's the Dad and they will stick up for him. Be the bigger man, discuss frustrations with your OH in private when the kids are out of earshot
Imagine being 8 years old and you Mum meets a new bloke. Eventually he moves in and his daughter is there every weekend, and he speaks to her twice a week in the evenings. You don't hear from your own Dad for 3 weeks. That must mess with a kids head.
Given time, the kids will work him out and your relationship will be stronger because of it
You can make his life a little tricky by discretely grassing him up to the revenue if that makes you feel better - but don't expect miracles..
Doesn't stop you having a few choice private words with him though...endless amounts of feckless irresponsible "parents" out there unfortunately the system is incessantly gamed - in your example a small gaze int the crystal ball - once kids are over 16 he'll go semi legit....
Fastchas said:
Smitters said:
Do you need it or want it? If you need it, then chase. If you want it, but it means keeping a stronger tie with a bloke who's either got some issues, or is just a dick, I would probably learn to do without and consider it a cheap way to avoid the hassle. If he's disinterested enough to neglect his child, I'd be grateful to be rid, but I wouldn't get into (legit, e.g. HMRC) threats. You've got to live with his offspring, who could come home with an earful of half-truths and make home-life a misery. Speculative, but hey ho, this is Mums-heads.
Good luck, whatever.
We don't NEED it, but then he doesn't NEED to pay for luxury items before his kids. My ex doesn't NEED my contibutions either but I pay them regardless.Good luck, whatever.
I think an anon call to HMRC may be in the pipeline in the future anyway.
. You have a respect for the rules and I guess would make provision for your kids whether law or not. Kids are smart. They'll sus out who's going to be reliable easily. If the hassle is worth upholding your principles, knock yourself out. You asked for opinions and have them.
My step-lads dad is a proper ware of time, although he is happy to be the lads best mate.
Plenty of hassle over the years. He did usually pay maintenance, eventually. But he was also reliant on me spending 6 hours in the car every couple of weeks and that I think concentrated his mind slightly. At one point the lad went to live with his dad, and one of my favourite conversations was when he asked me to pay maintenance...
Ultimately he is a crook, and there is plenty of trouble we could cause, but he’s the lads dad and it would hurt him too.
The only time when we did get serious was when he physically assaulted my wife and I. The police did get involved in that. Some lines have to be drawn.
Plenty of hassle over the years. He did usually pay maintenance, eventually. But he was also reliant on me spending 6 hours in the car every couple of weeks and that I think concentrated his mind slightly. At one point the lad went to live with his dad, and one of my favourite conversations was when he asked me to pay maintenance...
Ultimately he is a crook, and there is plenty of trouble we could cause, but he’s the lads dad and it would hurt him too.
The only time when we did get serious was when he physically assaulted my wife and I. The police did get involved in that. Some lines have to be drawn.
POORCARDEALER said:
Sisters ex packed his job in so he didnt have to pay maintanance, 13 years later hes still paid nothing, even though he has him every other weekend.
Access arrangements and maintenance aren't linked. Plenty of non resident parents only get to do one of those things.CastroSays said:
Fastchas said:
When my partner and I moved in together in August
When you say moved in together - do you mean you moved in with his ex in what was previously their marital home??If so, maybe he thinks that if you're living in his house and shagging his wife then you can just cover the costs too and he'll be fkd if he's putting any money towards you both?
I'm not saying he's right. But that is how some people think......
We moved into a new home together in August so it's a clean start for everyone.
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