I have a mental neighbour

[911motorsport]

Last night whilst watching Police Interceptors I heard my letter box flap go. It was quite late so I got up to see what it was.

It was a note from one of my neighbours.

They have asked for a contribution towards their electricity bill because my cat is apparently "delibratly(sic) and repeatingly(sic) setting of their security light". This has allegedly been happening for months.

a) I don't own a cat (I suspect the cat next door to me is the 'culprit')

b) In light of a) what should my return note say?

[Alfa numeric]

"It's not my cat you 'tard"

[killsta]

Send him a note asking for a contribution to your heating bill because of the draught he let in opening your letterbox.

[Mark.H]

Send a note back (signed by said cat) saying they can get stuffed! Brilliant though!

[RJDM3]

Send them a bill for unsolicited mail...say £60 charge for receiving and handling

[sleep envy]

buy a cat and train it to walk under the security light

[PHmember]

Have a read through David Thorne's stuff: http://www.27bslash6.com/strata.htm

Adapt & enjoy.

[off_again]

Alfa numeric said:

"It's not my cat you 'tard"

[Heskey]

killsta said:

Send him a note asking for a contribution to your heating bill because of the draught he let in opening your letterbox.

This

[Waugh-terfall]

Ask for a contribution towards a dog to scare the st out of the cat

[johnvthe2nd]

[clouseau]
That's not my cat. This is my cat

[Fleegle]

Don't talk to me about nutty fking neighbours

[plg]

Two answers, one PH style, one serious.

1) Pop round for a chat and don't get into a cycle of notes, even if they started it. Be nice, pleasant and reasonable and explain you don't have a cat. Also explain that even if you did, anything could set off tehir light - fox, badger, bird, etc and whilst you empathise that it must be annoying - you don't think trying to bill anyone will get them very far.

2) Send them a bill for use of your letterbox.

[andy400]

Of course, whatever else you do, don't forget to correct their spelling and grammar in true PH antagonistic style.

[Allanv]

My cats do not set my light off, so tell them to fix how sensitive it is.

Must be set like my next door neighbours, I only have to fart and his comes on.

[cal72]

When posting your reply Ensure it is in email format " Hey Hey The mental, do you need an ambiwlans, Ya Tard" Then throw a red bull at light.

[skilly1]

PHmember said:

Have a read through David Thorne's stuff: http://www.27bslash6.com/strata.htm

Adapt & enjoy.

Link did not work, but it did lead me to this which is topical

http://www.27bslash6.com/missy.html

[Vladimir Pukin]

How about - See you in court?

[s3fella]

Go round and smash fk out of the light.

Then if he challenges, act all surprised, say you dont have a cat, but you did see the neighbours cat with a group of mates carrying really tiny baseball bats the other night.
If he is proper mental, he will believe you!



Otherwise, make sure you write any notes back in German and go piss in his kettle.

HTH

Edited by s3fella on Tuesday 2nd November 12:24

[ShadownINja]

Dear Sir/Madam

Re: Security light testing services

Thank you for your on-going business and allowing us to provide random testing of your security lighting.

We can confirm that your security lighting works as expected and enclose a bill for £4,389+VAT. Note: early payment within 30 days of the receipt of this letter entitles you to a 5% discount.

Thank you once again for using 911Motorsport Security Services and may we wish you and your family a Happy Bonfire Night.

Yours faithfully,

911Motorsport
Managing Director