Coping with grief
Discussion
Morning all. I thought since a few months past, I would give you a little update on my situation.
I still miss Lady daily and there's a huge amount of grief left inside me but things are most definitely better. I read through my original post and it brought a huge amount of sadness and tears to my eyes again. I guess it's all to be expected.
My work suffered too as I felt quite depressed for a while and when I spoke to a HR councillor at work, I felt like I was going barking mad, but he was very understanding, and after a discussion with my boss, I was given a lot of slack and support. This definitely helped both at work and mentally too.
The one biggest loss for me is her company. As I said before, she was my little shadow so a couple of weeks ago, I decided to see a puppy named Rosie from a dog rescue charity. She was a beautiful pup, and I was super excited to meet her, but upon doing so it just didn't feel right at all. There was something unique about Lady in that when I first met her, she came to me. This little pup was not interested one bit in me and there was no connection.
The foster family who had the dogs were lovely and when I told them about Lady, they also told me about losing their last dog and that it took 3 years to get over the grief. It made me feel a lot less alone and less crazy!!!!!
Ultimately, I realised I was not ready at all for a new four-legged friend in my life yet.
Otherwise, fast-forward four months and I feel mentally much stronger again and work is back on track. I think the person grieving now is my wife as she's spent her time supporting me, so I'm trying to help prop her up by just giving her more background support where I see she's struggling. She's not a talker like me, so I just offer her space, an ear and generally try to make her day-to-day life easier.
It's incredible how much emotion comes out of a close relationship with an animal. Lady was an incredible character, and she will be irreplaceable, but when I'm ready again, I will be adopting another pup to join our family once more. It also sounds masochistic as I know I will most likely outlive the pup and I know how much pain I will then have to endure, but the love you get during its life massively outweighs this.
Anyway. That's where I am now.
I also want to truly thank all of you for your words of support, and my heart goes out to those who mentioned they also recently lost their four-legged friends too.
Time is most definitely a healer. You just have to be patient and sometimes it just takes a lot.....
I still miss Lady daily and there's a huge amount of grief left inside me but things are most definitely better. I read through my original post and it brought a huge amount of sadness and tears to my eyes again. I guess it's all to be expected.
My work suffered too as I felt quite depressed for a while and when I spoke to a HR councillor at work, I felt like I was going barking mad, but he was very understanding, and after a discussion with my boss, I was given a lot of slack and support. This definitely helped both at work and mentally too.
The one biggest loss for me is her company. As I said before, she was my little shadow so a couple of weeks ago, I decided to see a puppy named Rosie from a dog rescue charity. She was a beautiful pup, and I was super excited to meet her, but upon doing so it just didn't feel right at all. There was something unique about Lady in that when I first met her, she came to me. This little pup was not interested one bit in me and there was no connection.
The foster family who had the dogs were lovely and when I told them about Lady, they also told me about losing their last dog and that it took 3 years to get over the grief. It made me feel a lot less alone and less crazy!!!!!
Ultimately, I realised I was not ready at all for a new four-legged friend in my life yet.
Otherwise, fast-forward four months and I feel mentally much stronger again and work is back on track. I think the person grieving now is my wife as she's spent her time supporting me, so I'm trying to help prop her up by just giving her more background support where I see she's struggling. She's not a talker like me, so I just offer her space, an ear and generally try to make her day-to-day life easier.
It's incredible how much emotion comes out of a close relationship with an animal. Lady was an incredible character, and she will be irreplaceable, but when I'm ready again, I will be adopting another pup to join our family once more. It also sounds masochistic as I know I will most likely outlive the pup and I know how much pain I will then have to endure, but the love you get during its life massively outweighs this.
Anyway. That's where I am now.
I also want to truly thank all of you for your words of support, and my heart goes out to those who mentioned they also recently lost their four-legged friends too.
Time is most definitely a healer. You just have to be patient and sometimes it just takes a lot.....
medieval said:
I'm a 53 year old man not known for being emotional but sitting here crying whilst I type this as our little man passed away at 8.45 this morning - a long fight that he had fought very well against cancer but there is only ever one end
We did not think he would last the night as he declined so rapidly but he was there in the morning albeit with so little energy and we had to make that final horrific journey for any dog owner to the vets but by the grace of a God he passed away in the car on the way there.
We will always love him and will be together again I know.
You just can't help loving them so much...
I really am sorry I missed this, and I'm so sorry for your loss. No shame at all in crying and expressing yourself. That was my mental salvation, even though I did look like a train-wreck for a couple of weeks.We did not think he would last the night as he declined so rapidly but he was there in the morning albeit with so little energy and we had to make that final horrific journey for any dog owner to the vets but by the grace of a God he passed away in the car on the way there.
We will always love him and will be together again I know.
You just can't help loving them so much...
Stay strong, look to the future and remember the memories; even if they make you cry from time to time. (I'm sat at work now fighting back the tears after coming back to this thread!!!)
It's all priceless
After we lost our spaniel 2.5yrs ago my OH said not again, 6-7wks later we adopted an 11mth old spaniel!
We lost our westie about 3.5mths ago, again she cried no more, never again, too heartbreaking.
We collected our ex puppy farm westie on saturday!
We're all different, we all grieve in different ways, there is no right or wrong. Personally I can't be without a dog, the new ones will never replace the others but they fill a huge whole they left.
We lost our westie about 3.5mths ago, again she cried no more, never again, too heartbreaking.
We collected our ex puppy farm westie on saturday!
We're all different, we all grieve in different ways, there is no right or wrong. Personally I can't be without a dog, the new ones will never replace the others but they fill a huge whole they left.
LordHaveMurci said:
After we lost our spaniel 2.5yrs ago my OH said not again, 6-7wks later we adopted an 11mth old spaniel!
We lost our westie about 3.5mths ago, again she cried no more, never again, too heartbreaking.
We collected our ex puppy farm westie on saturday!
We're all different, we all grieve in different ways, there is no right or wrong. Personally I can't be without a dog, the new ones will never replace the others but they fill a huge whole they left.
Exactly.We lost our westie about 3.5mths ago, again she cried no more, never again, too heartbreaking.
We collected our ex puppy farm westie on saturday!
We're all different, we all grieve in different ways, there is no right or wrong. Personally I can't be without a dog, the new ones will never replace the others but they fill a huge whole they left.
We lost our third rescue (Ruby) suddenly last week, no warning signs, she collapsed and we rushed her to the vets. She passed on the lap of my partner in the back of the car as we were trying to transfer her to another branch that had better facilities. She was in a bad way, they think she had a splenetic tumour that had ruptured. Gone within an hour or so of us taking her to our vets. Had only been with us around 12 months and still revealing traits of her character that we hadn't seen. We're both gutted.
Just over 12 months previously we lost our second rescue after a battle with cancer. The same thing happened with her initially but we caught it in time and after a few ops and chemo she managed to survive a few years before finally succumbing, cancer had spread to her liver and we resorted to palliative care until we had to make the decision to let her go. She came to us after we lost our first rescue suddenly after her being with us around 5 years.
We hadn't really gotten over either of them leaving us before taking on the next but the reasons to take on another were twofold. We have another dog who had lived with a friend since he was 12 months old and we had space (both in heart and home) to rehome another dog in need.
Hopefully we'll be taking in another should we be able to find the right one.
We still talk fondly and remember the dogs we have lost (occasional tears), we helped them in their time of need and hopefully gave them a happy life whilst they were with us, as hard and cruel as it was to lose them that means a lot.
LordHaveMurci said:
After we lost our spaniel 2.5yrs ago my OH said not again, 6-7wks later we adopted an 11mth old spaniel!
We lost our westie about 3.5mths ago, again she cried no more, never again, too heartbreaking.
We collected our ex puppy farm westie on saturday!
We're all different, we all grieve in different ways, there is no right or wrong. Personally I can't be without a dog, the new ones will never replace the others but they fill a huge whole they left.
I saw your ex puppy farm westie on another post and posted a photo of my ex farm rescue Cairn. I know the feeling of loss, and I know my last lass had two things to say to me as I asked the vet to put hr down- dad, do it for me, and then go and find a dog in need. We lost our westie about 3.5mths ago, again she cried no more, never again, too heartbreaking.
We collected our ex puppy farm westie on saturday!
We're all different, we all grieve in different ways, there is no right or wrong. Personally I can't be without a dog, the new ones will never replace the others but they fill a huge whole they left.
I looked for a cairn, then a Westie, and on a visit to Derby ,one little lady came bounding out to greet us. She shot out then back in, looking at me. Tail was up and going mad. We decided to meet her and she came to us. Many folks had looked at her, yet she took to us. She's filled a hole, she has found her place in the family- the kids get greeted with a lot of love, the grandkids ( even the one that Shona, the cairn failed to adopt) ,love her. And the great grand daughter has a pal. Swimbo accepted the last two as my dogs, but this one has Swimbo round her little finger. ( paws)
Lexi is a breed mix we didnt want- a JRT/Yorkie cross. Background- I don't know, but all she wants is love and a knee to sit on. She's not bothrd by fireworks, but hats loud noises and strangers.
tedmus said:
Exactly.
We lost our third rescue (Ruby) suddenly last week, no warning signs, she collapsed and we rushed her to the vets. She passed on the lap of my partner in the back of the car as we were trying to transfer her to another branch that had better facilities. She was in a bad way, they think she had a splenetic tumour that had ruptured. Gone within an hour or so of us taking her to our vets. Had only been with us around 12 months and still revealing traits of her character that we hadn't seen. We're both gutted.
Just over 12 months previously we lost our second rescue after a battle with cancer. The same thing happened with her initially but we caught it in time and after a few ops and chemo she managed to survive a few years before finally succumbing, cancer had spread to her liver and we resorted to palliative care until we had to make the decision to let her go. She came to us after we lost our first rescue suddenly after her being with us around 5 years.
We hadn't really gotten over either of them leaving us before taking on the next but the reasons to take on another were twofold. We have another dog who had lived with a friend since he was 12 months old and we had space (both in heart and home) to rehome another dog in need.
Hopefully we'll be taking in another should we be able to find the right one.
We still talk fondly and remember the dogs we have lost (occasional tears), we helped them in their time of need and hopefully gave them a happy life whilst they were with us, as hard and cruel as it was to lose them that means a lot.
Really sorry to hear this, how awful. I have lost two dogs to splenic tumours, it's horrible.We lost our third rescue (Ruby) suddenly last week, no warning signs, she collapsed and we rushed her to the vets. She passed on the lap of my partner in the back of the car as we were trying to transfer her to another branch that had better facilities. She was in a bad way, they think she had a splenetic tumour that had ruptured. Gone within an hour or so of us taking her to our vets. Had only been with us around 12 months and still revealing traits of her character that we hadn't seen. We're both gutted.
Just over 12 months previously we lost our second rescue after a battle with cancer. The same thing happened with her initially but we caught it in time and after a few ops and chemo she managed to survive a few years before finally succumbing, cancer had spread to her liver and we resorted to palliative care until we had to make the decision to let her go. She came to us after we lost our first rescue suddenly after her being with us around 5 years.
We hadn't really gotten over either of them leaving us before taking on the next but the reasons to take on another were twofold. We have another dog who had lived with a friend since he was 12 months old and we had space (both in heart and home) to rehome another dog in need.
Hopefully we'll be taking in another should we be able to find the right one.
We still talk fondly and remember the dogs we have lost (occasional tears), we helped them in their time of need and hopefully gave them a happy life whilst they were with us, as hard and cruel as it was to lose them that means a lot.
I feel for all of you who have lost their special friends.
Over the years we have been serial GSD rescue rehomers and lost three, the most recent just 8 weeks ago.
Luanne came to us from an unknown background. She was deaf and painfully thin which I immediately guessed was pancreatitis related by her "output".
Over the initial week we managed to get her pancreatitis under control and worked out how to live with a deaf dog. Nobody believes your dog is deaf and everyone, including the vet, has to check they're not just selectively deaf.
Luanne became our friend, companion and cared for us when we were down.
We lost her at around 12 years old (estimated as history unknown) to bloat while we were out for an hour.
By the time we got home and took her to the vet with all of her issues including a previously undiagnosed heart murmur it was time to say goodbye. We wept. We sat in the car and both of us wept.
As my wide says, these bundles of fluff wheedle their way into your heat and curl up in a corner of it forever.
Our vet visit was at 1.00am on August Bank Holiday Monday and we were due on a ferry to France the next day which meant a 5.00am start. It was a long and subdued drive from Cardiff to Dover in the TVR.
We knew we needed another dog as we know from past experience you are left with a dog shaped hole in your life and we contacted the German Shepherd specific rescue that we had taken our previous dogs from as soon as we got back.
Since then we have fostered a lovely little Shepherd with issues for a few weeks but sadly her issues meant she wasn't for us and she's now gone to a suitable home who can give her the environment she needs.
So, our search continues to find that doggie soul who needs a human to help. Because you do realise that they only want to hep us, don't you?
Over the years we have been serial GSD rescue rehomers and lost three, the most recent just 8 weeks ago.
Luanne came to us from an unknown background. She was deaf and painfully thin which I immediately guessed was pancreatitis related by her "output".
Over the initial week we managed to get her pancreatitis under control and worked out how to live with a deaf dog. Nobody believes your dog is deaf and everyone, including the vet, has to check they're not just selectively deaf.
Luanne became our friend, companion and cared for us when we were down.
We lost her at around 12 years old (estimated as history unknown) to bloat while we were out for an hour.
By the time we got home and took her to the vet with all of her issues including a previously undiagnosed heart murmur it was time to say goodbye. We wept. We sat in the car and both of us wept.
As my wide says, these bundles of fluff wheedle their way into your heat and curl up in a corner of it forever.
Our vet visit was at 1.00am on August Bank Holiday Monday and we were due on a ferry to France the next day which meant a 5.00am start. It was a long and subdued drive from Cardiff to Dover in the TVR.
We knew we needed another dog as we know from past experience you are left with a dog shaped hole in your life and we contacted the German Shepherd specific rescue that we had taken our previous dogs from as soon as we got back.
Since then we have fostered a lovely little Shepherd with issues for a few weeks but sadly her issues meant she wasn't for us and she's now gone to a suitable home who can give her the environment she needs.
So, our search continues to find that doggie soul who needs a human to help. Because you do realise that they only want to hep us, don't you?
StevieBee said:
beanbag said:
Lovely looking dog! I can understand your feelings.
May I ask what breed she was?
h . We had no problems with hr, till one day she started limping on one rear leg. Vet had no idea. Two days later, she collapsed on her rear. Vet found a growth on hr spine. We had two choices- let her get treated ( with her past history of problems under anaesthetic) or let her go. She looked at me in the vets and all she was saying to me was "let me go". I honoured her request, and as she passed on, she looked at me and her face said "thanks". That was in April, this year.
But the house resounded to a lack of dog.
I went looking- no Cairns on rescue, but I did find a Westie looking for a home on a RSPCA site. We visitd to find he'd gone, but as we walked past a cage, one little terrier shot out, looked at me and then went back in ,to come out wagging her tail. We asked to see her and found out that many had wanted her, but few had gained her acceptance. Half an hour later ,after meeting her, Lexi has decided Swimbo ( not a dog person, but a dog lover) was someone Lexi wanted to met, and SWIMBO found Lexi on knee, making friends. Me- Lexi found I carried treats ,and from then on, she decided that we were the ones she wanted to be with.
it's hard to decide WHEN to let them go. But think not of your feelings ,but of the best interests of the pet. And never forget that somewhere out thre is a dog looking to find the home that you can give, and more so if the dog comes from rescue.
I'd say- if you need a pet- go find one in rescue.
I have had many dogs in my life, and when a new pup arrives I feel joy and sadness.
They are such brief visitors....the crazy puppyhood, the vigorous youth,. the calmness of maturity and the absolute grace of growing old...the trust of years of companionship,. the increasing love and closeness and the slowing down...the softness of the last years, the tenderness of the last days, the tears of the last hours, and the agony of goodbye.
Yet, we do it again and again, because the house is dead and empty when there is no breathing, trusting, stupidly loving creature to live its life with us. My beautiful Dane is six now...and I can see the greyness. I have alway been there to hold my dog in the last seconds, and it never gets easier.
The joy is worth it though...always will be.
They are such brief visitors....the crazy puppyhood, the vigorous youth,. the calmness of maturity and the absolute grace of growing old...the trust of years of companionship,. the increasing love and closeness and the slowing down...the softness of the last years, the tenderness of the last days, the tears of the last hours, and the agony of goodbye.
Yet, we do it again and again, because the house is dead and empty when there is no breathing, trusting, stupidly loving creature to live its life with us. My beautiful Dane is six now...and I can see the greyness. I have alway been there to hold my dog in the last seconds, and it never gets easier.
The joy is worth it though...always will be.
RDMcG said:
I have had many dogs in my life, and when a new pup arrives I feel joy and sadness.
They are such brief visitors....the crazy puppyhood, the vigorous youth,. the calmness of maturity and the absolute grace of growing old...the trust of years of companionship,. the increasing love and closeness and the slowing down...the softness of the last years, the tenderness of the last days, the tears of the last hours, and the agony of goodbye.
Yet, we do it again and again, because the house is dead and empty when there is no breathing, trusting, stupidly loving creature to live its life with us. My beautiful Dane is six now...and I can see the greyness. I have alway been there to hold my dog in the last seconds, and it never gets easier.
The joy is worth it though...always will be.
Such wonderful words, made so poignant by their brevity.They are such brief visitors....the crazy puppyhood, the vigorous youth,. the calmness of maturity and the absolute grace of growing old...the trust of years of companionship,. the increasing love and closeness and the slowing down...the softness of the last years, the tenderness of the last days, the tears of the last hours, and the agony of goodbye.
Yet, we do it again and again, because the house is dead and empty when there is no breathing, trusting, stupidly loving creature to live its life with us. My beautiful Dane is six now...and I can see the greyness. I have alway been there to hold my dog in the last seconds, and it never gets easier.
The joy is worth it though...always will be.
My cocker spaniel is now over 12 and I know the time left with him is diminishing.
Yesterday he was sat on my lap and I just kept kissing him and telling him how much I loved him.
They certainly get into your heart.
Have a great day everyone.
RDMcG said:
I have had many dogs in my life, and when a new pup arrives I feel joy and sadness.
They are such brief visitors....the crazy puppyhood, the vigorous youth,. the calmness of maturity and the absolute grace of growing old...the trust of years of companionship,. the increasing love and closeness and the slowing down...the softness of the last years, the tenderness of the last days, the tears of the last hours, and the agony of goodbye.
Yet, we do it again and again, because the house is dead and empty when there is no breathing, trusting, stupidly loving creature to live its life with us. My beautiful Dane is six now...and I can see the greyness. I have alway been there to hold my dog in the last seconds, and it never gets easier.
The joy is worth it though...always will be.
I wish I could sum it up so beautifully. They are such brief visitors....the crazy puppyhood, the vigorous youth,. the calmness of maturity and the absolute grace of growing old...the trust of years of companionship,. the increasing love and closeness and the slowing down...the softness of the last years, the tenderness of the last days, the tears of the last hours, and the agony of goodbye.
Yet, we do it again and again, because the house is dead and empty when there is no breathing, trusting, stupidly loving creature to live its life with us. My beautiful Dane is six now...and I can see the greyness. I have alway been there to hold my dog in the last seconds, and it never gets easier.
The joy is worth it though...always will be.
Thank you.
True, but there is a unique sadness when your dog’s last moments arrive and you look into the trusting eyes of your old friend and know it for the last time. It is very quick when the life ends and instantly there is the stillness of parting. All of the memories are on the surface as you stand there knowing there will never be another excited bark,frenzied running in circles or the comfort of the dog at your feet.
Yes,we grieve for many things but when you are also helping your old friend on its way it is different.
I have mourned friends,parents,relationships ,felt bed about personal reversals and so on, but the relationship with a dog is a very unique one for me
Yes,we grieve for many things but when you are also helping your old friend on its way it is different.
I have mourned friends,parents,relationships ,felt bed about personal reversals and so on, but the relationship with a dog is a very unique one for me
RDMcG said:
.. but the relationship with a dog is a very unique one for me
Pardon the edit!It is a symbiotic relationship. The dog gets just as much, maybe more, happiness from pleasing its master than its master gets from the ownership experience. I don't mean to be trite - I know it goes way beyond that. It always amazes me how dogs 'need' a master to be devoted to, leader of the pack or whatever, in order to be truly happy. Just an observation really.
popeyewhite said:
Pardon the edit!
It is a symbiotic relationship. The dog gets just as much, maybe more, happiness from pleasing its master than its master gets from the ownership experience. I don't mean to be trite - I know it goes way beyond that. It always amazes me how dogs 'need' a master to be devoted to, leader of the pack or whatever, in order to be truly happy. Just an observation really.
Not at all..a very valid observationIt is a symbiotic relationship. The dog gets just as much, maybe more, happiness from pleasing its master than its master gets from the ownership experience. I don't mean to be trite - I know it goes way beyond that. It always amazes me how dogs 'need' a master to be devoted to, leader of the pack or whatever, in order to be truly happy. Just an observation really.
moorx said:
tedmus said:
Exactly.
We lost our third rescue (Ruby) suddenly last week, no warning signs, she collapsed and we rushed her to the vets. She passed on the lap of my partner in the back of the car as we were trying to transfer her to another branch that had better facilities. She was in a bad way, they think she had a splenetic tumour that had ruptured. Gone within an hour or so of us taking her to our vets. Had only been with us around 12 months and still revealing traits of her character that we hadn't seen. We're both gutted.
Just over 12 months previously we lost our second rescue after a battle with cancer. The same thing happened with her initially but we caught it in time and after a few ops and chemo she managed to survive a few years before finally succumbing, cancer had spread to her liver and we resorted to palliative care until we had to make the decision to let her go. She came to us after we lost our first rescue suddenly after her being with us around 5 years.
We hadn't really gotten over either of them leaving us before taking on the next but the reasons to take on another were twofold. We have another dog who had lived with a friend since he was 12 months old and we had space (both in heart and home) to rehome another dog in need.
Hopefully we'll be taking in another should we be able to find the right one.
We still talk fondly and remember the dogs we have lost (occasional tears), we helped them in their time of need and hopefully gave them a happy life whilst they were with us, as hard and cruel as it was to lose them that means a lot.
Really sorry to hear this, how awful. I have lost two dogs to splenic tumours, it's horrible.We lost our third rescue (Ruby) suddenly last week, no warning signs, she collapsed and we rushed her to the vets. She passed on the lap of my partner in the back of the car as we were trying to transfer her to another branch that had better facilities. She was in a bad way, they think she had a splenetic tumour that had ruptured. Gone within an hour or so of us taking her to our vets. Had only been with us around 12 months and still revealing traits of her character that we hadn't seen. We're both gutted.
Just over 12 months previously we lost our second rescue after a battle with cancer. The same thing happened with her initially but we caught it in time and after a few ops and chemo she managed to survive a few years before finally succumbing, cancer had spread to her liver and we resorted to palliative care until we had to make the decision to let her go. She came to us after we lost our first rescue suddenly after her being with us around 5 years.
We hadn't really gotten over either of them leaving us before taking on the next but the reasons to take on another were twofold. We have another dog who had lived with a friend since he was 12 months old and we had space (both in heart and home) to rehome another dog in need.
Hopefully we'll be taking in another should we be able to find the right one.
We still talk fondly and remember the dogs we have lost (occasional tears), we helped them in their time of need and hopefully gave them a happy life whilst they were with us, as hard and cruel as it was to lose them that means a lot.
Been with me from a pup, 15 years old. Had trouble with his back (3 ruptured discs) and suffering from doggy dementia, was on meds for both.
A little trooper and a real character, we are beyond gutted, just numb at the moment.
My little man.
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