Has anyone used a private detective?
Discussion
Yes he is level headed, but so was my father. That didn't stop things getting ridiculously out of hand - I guess the point is that it is very easy to let 'winning' become the most important thing, especially where lawyers get involved, but end up with somewhat of a Pyrrhic victory. Fortunately I now have a good relationship with both my parents, but it would have been far better had they both realised at the time that they should just walk away from each other.
ABD and his wife seem to be going down that route and his children are a bit younger then I was at the time, so they should adapt quickly.
ABD and his wife seem to be going down that route and his children are a bit younger then I was at the time, so they should adapt quickly.
A bit down said:
Sorry for the downer post, but I have never felt this bad in my life.
Cometh the hour, cometh the man. Sadly ABD you're the only one with the marbles to keep the balls in the air, ensure the kids are okay and try to steer this to a conclusion that is somehow acceptable to you all. You WILL get through it. You have demonstrated patience, empathy, integrity and much bigger balls in the way you've dealt with this up until now than 99% of us contributing here could probably hope to muster, me included. I wish you all the best. 
Thanks again for all the replies, all perspectives are appreciated.
The house is now mostly packed but nothing is going from the children's rooms (they are staying just as they want them, I am buying them all new bedroom furniture for the new house) which means all of their familiar things will be around them when they are at "my house". They do seem to have settled a bit and our efforts to be civil and minimise the impact appear to be working. I honestly don't know how I am keeping it together, but I am - and I will.
The move takes place this weekend, I won't be around for most of it, that would be too difficult. The children are very keen for me to see their new rooms so I will be visiting early next week. We've made it very clear that both houses are their homes and we are doubling up on everything where possible so that they don't feel like they are "going to stay" with Mum or Dad, but that both places are "home". I fully expect X to undermine this when I'm not in earshot though.
X is playing the role of doting Mother at the moment and the kids are really responding to her. It probably makes me a bad person but this makes me sick. I'm the one who had to sit there and lie to the children about why we are breaking up and now she's playing happy families. I wondered how long it would take for bitterness to start to appear and although I'm fighting it off most of the time, now that I'm losing my family I'm finding it very hard not to "blame" X. Any tips?
I have had just about everyone who knows what's going on (and on here) tell me that I must legalise the arrangement as soon as she is gone and I think that may be a good direction to channel my negative energy - making sure that she can't mess me around any more in future. She's started trying to keep her options open though - when we told the children, my Daughter's first question was "are you going to get divorced?" I was about to answer "probably at some point but we will still be friends and look after you" when X piped up with "no, we won't be doing that". I couldn't then contradict her given the circumstances but she has now given the kids false hope and knows that I'm unlikely to push for a divorce as it will make me the bad guy in the children's eyes. Very crafty and it keeps her legal options open nicely.
I'll post again after the move but one last question. Before X goes, I desperately want to sit her down privately and tell her exactly what I think of her, how much hurt she has brought on our me and the children, that I have been appalled by her behaviour and I will be amazed if she can ever look herself in the mirror again. Would this be a terrible idea, given that (on the surface at least) things seem to be fairly civil at the moment?
The house is now mostly packed but nothing is going from the children's rooms (they are staying just as they want them, I am buying them all new bedroom furniture for the new house) which means all of their familiar things will be around them when they are at "my house". They do seem to have settled a bit and our efforts to be civil and minimise the impact appear to be working. I honestly don't know how I am keeping it together, but I am - and I will.
The move takes place this weekend, I won't be around for most of it, that would be too difficult. The children are very keen for me to see their new rooms so I will be visiting early next week. We've made it very clear that both houses are their homes and we are doubling up on everything where possible so that they don't feel like they are "going to stay" with Mum or Dad, but that both places are "home". I fully expect X to undermine this when I'm not in earshot though.
X is playing the role of doting Mother at the moment and the kids are really responding to her. It probably makes me a bad person but this makes me sick. I'm the one who had to sit there and lie to the children about why we are breaking up and now she's playing happy families. I wondered how long it would take for bitterness to start to appear and although I'm fighting it off most of the time, now that I'm losing my family I'm finding it very hard not to "blame" X. Any tips?
I have had just about everyone who knows what's going on (and on here) tell me that I must legalise the arrangement as soon as she is gone and I think that may be a good direction to channel my negative energy - making sure that she can't mess me around any more in future. She's started trying to keep her options open though - when we told the children, my Daughter's first question was "are you going to get divorced?" I was about to answer "probably at some point but we will still be friends and look after you" when X piped up with "no, we won't be doing that". I couldn't then contradict her given the circumstances but she has now given the kids false hope and knows that I'm unlikely to push for a divorce as it will make me the bad guy in the children's eyes. Very crafty and it keeps her legal options open nicely.
I'll post again after the move but one last question. Before X goes, I desperately want to sit her down privately and tell her exactly what I think of her, how much hurt she has brought on our me and the children, that I have been appalled by her behaviour and I will be amazed if she can ever look herself in the mirror again. Would this be a terrible idea, given that (on the surface at least) things seem to be fairly civil at the moment?
A bit down said:
I'll post again after the move but one last question. Before X goes, I desperately want to sit her down privately and tell her exactly what I think of her, how much hurt she has brought on our me and the children, that I have been appalled by her behaviour and I will be amazed if she can ever look herself in the mirror again. Would this be a terrible idea, given that (on the surface at least) things seem to be fairly civil at the moment?
It certainly won't help any attempt to put your separation arrangement on a legal footing, I'm sorry to say.Dont whatever you do tell her how you really feel. She will twist it around so that you are the bad guy.
Get lawyered up NOW. Get divorce proceedings started and get all the legal s
t sorted out now, if you dont, she will mess you about and make your life a living hell, I really really regret not getting a solicitor sooner, with hindsight it cost me about 3 years and several thousand pounds getting things sorted due to my not wanting to get a solicitor.
Get lawyered up NOW. Get divorce proceedings started and get all the legal s
t sorted out now, if you dont, she will mess you about and make your life a living hell, I really really regret not getting a solicitor sooner, with hindsight it cost me about 3 years and several thousand pounds getting things sorted due to my not wanting to get a solicitor.A bit down said:
I'll post again after the move but one last question. Before X goes, I desperately want to sit her down privately and tell her exactly what I think of her, how much hurt she has brought on our me and the children, that I have been appalled by her behaviour and I will be amazed if she can ever look herself in the mirror again. Would this be a terrible idea, given that (on the surface at least) things seem to be fairly civil at the moment?
Probably a bad idea, but if you do try and root all conversation in how you feel - for instance: 'I feel that this has stopped me from ever being able to trust anyone', rather than 'you've stopped me ever being able to trust anyone'. Recommend you don't do it though - moan to us here insteadA bit down said:
X is playing the role of doting Mother at the moment and the kids are really responding to her. It probably makes me a bad person but this makes me sick. I'm the one who had to sit there and lie to the children about why we are breaking up and now she's playing happy families. I wondered how long it would take for bitterness to start to appear and although I'm fighting it off most of the time, now that I'm losing my family I'm finding it very hard not to "blame" X. Any tips?
Just playing devils advocate, because it will be better for you if you don't actually believe what you are typing: I know it makes you sick to see her, and I would definitely resent her as much as you do, but with regards to the kids you are both very much in unison. It is better for all of you if she is the doting mother. What I am trying to say is that it can only be a good thing. FOr what its worth, I hate the bh too, reading this but be grateful that at least she treats the kids better than she did you, rather than be bitter about itABD said:
I'll post again after the move but one last question. Before X goes, I desperately want to sit her down privately and tell her exactly what I think of her, how much hurt she has brought on our me and the children, that I have been appalled by her behaviour and I will be amazed if she can ever look herself in the mirror again. Would this be a terrible idea, given that (on the surface at least) things seem to be fairly civil at the moment?
Im not sure if it would be a bad idea or not. Catch 22: If you do say it then she might like you less, but if you don't say it it will stew and stew and stew inside you until you blurt it out in a far less diplomatic manner. THe only thing I can say is that if it were me I would definitely say it. I would need to know for certain that she felt the full weight of guilt that she deserved to feel. Obviously if you do, anger is not the way to do it. Matter of fact getting off your chest.Good luck again. Im sure Im not alone in thinking that this thread has made me take my marriage less for granted.
A bit down said:
I'll post again after the move but one last question. Before X goes, I desperately want to sit her down privately and tell her exactly what I think of her, how much hurt she has brought on our me and the children, that I have been appalled by her behaviour and I will be amazed if she can ever look herself in the mirror again.
She knows and either doesn't care or is denying it.Best thing you can do for your kids and yourself is pick up your life, dust it off and get going, onwards and upwards. It's so cliched to be almost pointless but life really is too short, you show your kids that you can roll with the punches and recover from life knocks and they will respect you for it. You may not get their sympathy and your missus may play the better mind game but if you're honest, decent and can drag a smile to your face through adversity then they'll grow up remembering that and at some point the penny will drop.
some old ste said:
te said: If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'
A bit down said:
I'll post again after the move but one last question. Before X goes, I desperately want to sit her down privately and tell her exactly what I think of her, how much hurt she has brought on our me and the children, that I have been appalled by her behaviour and I will be amazed if she can ever look herself in the mirror again. Would this be a terrible idea, given that (on the surface at least) things seem to be fairly civil at the moment?
As tempting as it may be to get all this off your chest and really let fly about how you feel about her and what she's done I really wouldn't recommend it at this stage (or possibly ever). If you do I have no doubt in my mind she'll go completely defensive with the kids, completely offensive with you and then you'll have no choice but to lawyer up to the max and it'll cost you both a fortune, the kids will suffer and you both will regret it later.Once things have settled down and she's sitting alone in her place and the house is quiet, no kids, no one, just her, she'll realise what she's done and it'll hit her like TWO tonnes of bricks that she was the architect of it all and she'll bawl her guts out. The ultimate aim, I reckon, is to get her to come to you and apologise for what she's done.
Sorry to say it again but I would at least consult a lawyer initially, if not fully lawyering up because you can be damned sure she'll have a female friend or two who was treated badly by an ex, with kids involved that wasn't plain sailing and they'll be telling her to try and take you for everything you have, the house, custody, the lot.
Ari said:
Pig Skill said:
Might be worth talking to the wife and agreeing a common explanation of what has happened and stick to it.
Wouldn't bother. They'll get her version of events whatever's "agreed". Just a swift roundhouse kick to the face should sort the b
h 
Mastiff said:
There certainly will be a time for this.
I'm not sure that this is that time.
Agree, I would get some legal stuff in place first all signed and sealed before speaking your mind be as nice as you can be wheil things are still up in the air work out what's what be nice, be sensible, sort the finances, possessions, mortgage, access to the kids all legally and be nice, once it's all done tell her how you feel, but only then IMO.I'm not sure that this is that time.
randlemarcus said:
From personal experience, save it for when you are in a good relationship, then thank her 
I like this option.Nothing you can say or do will hurt her or hit back at her more than having a great life without her, even more so if hers doesn't turn out the way she thinks it will.
Save it.
That said I see merit in making sure that you have a little book of horrors you can pass to the kids, when they old enough to understand, if she tries to turn them against you or make it all your fault. You would hope that it would never see the light of day, but might find strength in the dark hours knowing that one day...
randlemarcus said:
From personal experience, save it for when you are in a good relationship, then thank her
Definitely this OP, I really feel for you, chin up in this difficult time for you.Yep woman!
Have always said we can recover from most things, being broke, jobless, homeless etc etc etc but the pain woman can inflict is a hard one to get over, but in time you will OP, we are here for you on Pistonheads
Amazing but sad thread and I can only commend the OP on his level headed attitude and offer token advice.
Personally, I'd want to let this woman know exactly what I thought if her and her actions butI doubt she really understands what she's done and with her skewed moral compass will probably use the children as a weapon against you.
On that note, don't under any circumstances let your bitterness towards her become evident to your children as this could come back to haunt you later on in life. My parents stayed together for the sake of the children and my Mother took every opportunity to poison my relationship with my Father, which has backfired on her in later life. My Father was far from perfect but NEVER bad mouthed her in my presence which I've always admired...
Be that man.
Personally, I'd want to let this woman know exactly what I thought if her and her actions butI doubt she really understands what she's done and with her skewed moral compass will probably use the children as a weapon against you.
On that note, don't under any circumstances let your bitterness towards her become evident to your children as this could come back to haunt you later on in life. My parents stayed together for the sake of the children and my Mother took every opportunity to poison my relationship with my Father, which has backfired on her in later life. My Father was far from perfect but NEVER bad mouthed her in my presence which I've always admired...
Be that man.
Whatever you agree make sure that it is signed "In full & final settlement" ie no more of anything !
I wish you the very best of luck, I was there many years ago, when I was smashed up in hospital my ex did the same to me and the above was what I managed to get signed so that she couldn't get anything from me in the future no matter what I did.
I wish you the very best of luck, I was there many years ago, when I was smashed up in hospital my ex did the same to me and the above was what I managed to get signed so that she couldn't get anything from me in the future no matter what I did.
I think you always will have 'one in the chamber' with your ex and that is that she will be frightened of the truth coming out to the kids and her family. I'd be tempted to use that to get the divorce started and keep her aware so that she plays nicely.
Once divorced and when you have the kids with you the time may come when you feel it is appropriate that they know the trutth
Once divorced and when you have the kids with you the time may come when you feel it is appropriate that they know the trutth
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