Lies to tell your children

[Fer]

Ozone said:

The rubber pipe shaped things in mummys bedside draw are to beat the wardrobe monsters with.

So why does it need batteries?

[Changedmyname]

Fer said:

Ozone said:

The rubber pipe shaped things in mummys bedside draw are to beat the wardrobe monsters with.

So why does it need batteries?

You can't put batteries in a cucumber.

[Ozone]

Fer said:

So why does it need batteries?

It is also a torch.

[Charlie Foxtrot]

I tell them I can't sneeze standing up, that it's physically impossible. I demonstrate this by sitting down to sneeze and then stand up again.

[lazygraduand]

Eating sugar cubes gives you worms

[surveyor]

A Caravan with no Balcony = Caravan
A caravan with balcony = Carapan

She keeps correcting nanny.

[bacchus180]

I told my son that kippah's were made from foreskins, Thats why jewish people were circumcised.

He believed me for years apparently, that was until he actually met a jewish lad at his next school.

[Justin Cyder]

If you say the password, your granny reverts to her original programming & will kill all humans.

[Marty63]

don't swallow apple or orange seeds or the tree will grow in tummy

don't swallow chewing gum or it will stick to your ribs

don't drink water direct from the tap or you'll get worms

[CoolC]

rhinochopig said:

When the light comes on the PIR room sensor there's a Catholic priest watching you.

I was told it was Santa checking you're behaving.

[otherman]

john2443 said:

When there's a black and white film on TV "When we were kids the whole world was in black and white"

A friend said this to his kids and then had to spend ages persuading them that it was a joke!

Remember that week in 1962 when we coloured everything in? Man, that was a busy week.

[insurance_jon]

slugs are snails that have been mugged

[Dilligaf10]

Chocolate biscuits are poisonous to children under 12.

Used to write it on the packets and got away with it for ages.

[mondeoman]

Pixel Pusher said:

Justin Cyder said:

Every day we get a new sun. When the old ones go down, they end up in a pile over the horizon. When they cool down, people cut slices out of them and that's how we get margarine.

Well. I never knew that.

Live and learn.

I thought he was going to say lemons, that made sense to me, but margarine ??? WTF???

[Justin Cyder]

mondeoman said:

I thought he was going to say lemons, that made sense to me, but margarine ??? WTF???

Sooo, to you it's plausible all the way until we get to margarine?

[DaveL485]

"Jesus" Aston @ todays SS. Convinced kids it was floating, and to make it do so they pumped the tyres up lots and lots. Man from Aston Martin backed me up. LEGEND.

[dipwing]

King Herald said:

When the Xmas toy adverts start on TV in September and the little 'un starts asking "can I have that for Xmas dad?", just say "Yes, if you want".

And the subject stops there.


If you try to discuss, or make excuses, or talk them out of it, tell them it is too expensive, it goes on forever.

And when Xmas comes you have to ask them what they actually want.

I always say "put it on your Christmas list". Works all the time. Conversation ended straight away!

Edited by dipwing on Sunday 2nd September 21:00

[dipwing]

v8will said:

Picking your nose will make your head cave in.

I should tell that to a chap at work. He spends all day mining (two fingers, one per hole) looking for the perfect nugget.

Storeman once said in passing "pick us a winner Mate". Oh how we laughed!

[Morningside]

insurance_jon said:

slugs are snails that have been mugged

I like that one.

[Seti]

Buy two of everything, cots, prams, etc.

Tell your child 'you were a twin. The other one didn't do as I told 'em........'